How To Live With An Alcoholic and Still Enjoy Your Life!

By Been There

This is practical, self-help guide for anyone struggling through life with an alcoholic, it is particularly aimed at partners and spouses of alcoholics. The author is a professional writer and since 2007 she has been counselling people living with alcoholic loved ones. Her husband was a chronic alcoholic for 20 years and through the techniques she developed and shares in this book, she currently has a very happy, fulfilling life with her now sober husband. This book gives advise, written exercises and an action plan to a better, more fulfilling life for you and your partner.
It will help you through the bad times and give you the techniques to make your life enjoyable while you help your partner towards a sober life. A workbook with great results!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Been There
• Release date: Mar 16, 2011
• ISBN: 9780956723376

Been There

I’m a professional journalist. I have been living with my alcoholic husband for nearly 20 years. For years I struggled to change him, but then I discovered life skills and techniques that have made my life better than I could ever have imagined. As a result my husband got sober and we have a great relationship and life together. I have been blogging about living with alcohol since 2007 and this book shares the things I have learnt over the years that can help you too live a full and enjoyable life!

Book preview

How To Live With An Alcoholic

And Still Enjoy Your Life!

A Practical Guide for Partners and Spouses

by Been There

Copyright 2013 Been There

Edition 2 (first edition published 2011)

Smashwords Edition

This book may not be copied, distributed, reposted, reprinted or shared, without permission of the author directly. She can be contacted through her website listed below.

About The Author

The author is an award-winning writer who has worked as a professional journalist specializing in health issues. Due to the personal nature of this book, the author has decided to remain anonymous for the time being.

She has been blogging on the topic of ‘How to Live with An Alcoholic’ since 2007.

You can contact her or visit her website: http://www.howtolivewithanalcoholic.com.wordpress.com

PLEASE NOTE: For consistency purposes, throughout the book, I refer to the alcoholic as 'your partner'. This can mean boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife.

This book is aimed at both men and women who are living with an alcoholic partner. However, throughout the book I refer to the alcoholic you are living with as ‘he’. I fully acknowledge that alcoholism is a major issue for women, too and that the ‘he’ referral is used purely for ease of reading, but can be substituted for 'she' when applicable.

INTRODUCTION - THE CRYSTAL BALL

Let me look into my crystal ball ... Hmmm ... I see arguing, I see that you are often called a nag, that you have been struggling for months, no, I correct myself, actually years, to get a person you love and care for to quit drinking because everything will be all right if only you could get him to quit drinking. The arguments, they're classic, aren't they? It looks to me that even if you don’t say anything, he is blaming the row on you because of your refusal to speak.

If you do say something, your genius of a loved one will manage to twist it and distort it into a reason for him to storm away and get drunk. Sure, why wouldn’t he? It is all your fault, don’t you know? You drive him to it! Well, that is what he wants you to believe and sometimes you even believe it, don’t you?

You question what you are doing to cause his bad behavior; you’ve tried to change things so he will just stop drinking. You’ve walked on eggshells, so to speak, James Bond pales in comparison to the lengths you have gone to find a solution. To find a way to make everything better.

I delve a little deeper and I see that you have come to be somewhat of a stranger to yourself; you feel you have hardened, you have become bitter, resentful, but hey, that’s the hand life dealt you, and you can put on a brave face and deal with it. Well, that is what you tell yourself.

Oh look, there you are on the phone to friends, making excuses; you’re sick - a virus of some sort, so it is best for them not to come over. Oh, I see you on the phone again, now you are saying he's sick, he has hurt his back, he can’t make it into work again. You really hate those calls don’t you? You know the manager knows you are making excuses for him, you feel a fool. But you take a deep breath and ignore the tension in your head. Tension? Yes, the tension, you have probably become so used to it that you don’t notice it anymore. Just take a moment, relax your forehead, let your ears drop. Yes, I know that sounds strange, but they do drop when you relax your forehead! You probably feel your jaw become less tight and your hairline move back slightly – yes, that’s how your face feels when it is relaxed – it’s been a while since it felt like that, hasn't it?

Back to my crystal ball ... ah yes, I see celebrations! But you do not look forward to them anymore. Occasions such as birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries ... you look anxious. Why? I hear him saying, Will you relax! Don’t be such a killjoy! Why do you have to put a damper on everything?, It’s Christmas for goodness sake!. Drink is flowing and there is a false sense of merriment, but you are getting tenser and tenser. Feel your forehead; the tension is back even by just thinking about it, isn’t it?

You have become so controlling over another adult that it is ridiculous – you monitor his every move, you check in on him if he is out of sight, you constantly need an account of his actions. This is done through casual conversation, but he knows what you are at and he will give you all the right answers. So you have had to become more cunning and think of new ways of keeping a check on him, but he still manages to get drunk.

I see a black hole forming, a big black hole. What is it? It’s ... it’s your bank account! Money is sliding through your fingers, but the bills keep coming through the mailbox. You used to be quite good with managing money but now no matter how hard you try, you never seem to have enough to make ends meet and counting the bottles going into recycling I can see why.

Why does your chest tighten and head race when your loved one does ... what is he doing, what’s the trigger? I can’t quite make it out, what is he saying or doing? Is it, ‘I’m just going out to get ... ’ or is it a phone call saying he won’t be home?.. Oh no I'm wrong, there isn’t a phone call, he just doesn’t arrive! Or is it when you hear him in the other room trying to open the cupboard quietly and slowly unscrew the lid of the liquor bottle when he is supposed to be making a cup of coffee?

Your chest tightens and the barrier goes up. Yes, the barrier, you know the one. That invisible shield that stops him ripping out your heart and shredding it anymore. It’s as solid as a brick wall, it makes you cold and calculating, it makes you snappy and sometimes it’s not the drinker that gets the resulting anger, but the kids or other loved ones. But at least it’s better than the way you used to be before you found the barrier – remember? You were an emotional wreck, the way you used to beg him to stop; the way you cried yourself to sleep, the high you felt when he promised he would stop, he said he wouldn’t cause you that hurt and pain again. But he did drink again.

Remember the depths you would plummet to then? And the ride would start all over again. But then you found your shield, your barrier. If he can’t get through the barrier, he can’t hurt you like that again. No one can.

Oh, I’ve found a dark spot; what’s this? You secretly sometimes wish he would die so you could get on with things, or maybe I’m reading that wrong, maybe it is sometimes you wish something serious would happen to you so that he would have to stop and take responsibility.

Hmmm ... let me look into your past a little ... you used to have a bigger social circle than you have now; you have cut yourself off a bit. No actually, quite a lot. You laughed a lot more, you looked a lot better and you were so much more self-confident.

But I see a lonely front door; why does nobody call anymore? I see someone, a friend telling you exactly what they think of your loved one; they’re saying you should leave him. But they don’t understand, this is the person you love,; he would be lost without you, you