Angel's Shadow

By Clair Louise Coult

Unknown Pleasures are back from their US tour and Angel is glad to have Miles home until her world is rocked by a shocking discovery. She's pregnant, but Miles isn't the father.
Tensions are high and Angel struggles to make sense of everything as events unfold. A singer goes missing, a body is found and Angel wonders if her nightmares hold the key to what happened. All Miles wants to do is protect her but he's fighting his own battles. Fame has gone to Jamie's head, he's mixing with the wrong people and jeopardising the future of the band.

Is this the end for Unknown Pleasures? Will love tear them apart or can Angel and Miles rebuild their unique family.

Angel's Shadow is the third book in the Heaven Knows Trilogy.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Clair Louise Coult
• Release date: Jun 10, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301386291

Clair Louise Coult

Clair Louise Coult lives near Sheffield, UK with her husband and 3 children. She enjoys crafts, alternative music, video games and dyeing her hair silly colours.

Book preview

Angel's Shadow

By Clair Louise Coult

ANGEL'S SHADOW

Copyright: Clair Louise Coult 2013

Published: June 2013

Smashwords Edition

The right of Clair Louise Coult to be identified as author of this Work has been asserted by her in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, copied in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise transmitted without written permission from the publisher. You must not circulate this book in any format.

This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be resold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Other titles by Clair Louise Coult:

The Heaven Knows Trilogy

Heaven Knows This Time

Another Perfect Angel

Being Isobel

For more information please visit the website:

www.clairlouisecoult.com

Dedication

Massive thanks to my friends and family. I couldn't have done it without your support!

Prologue

Sitting here in the garden looking out over the pond, I try to remember what the house was like five years ago when I first moved in. Only three other people lived here, my husband, Simon, his father, Albert, and Martha, the housekeeper. The house was so quiet and empty. My footsteps echoed ominously in the hall and I was almost too scared to step outside the security of Simon's room. It was a grand and beautiful house but it didn't feel like a home.

So much has changed in those five short years. The house is so alive now, it's practically bursting at the seams! It's home to eight adults and six children, and that's not including the staff and visitors who pass through the doors every day. It's never quiet here, there is always the sound of music in the air and I love it.

I always think about Simon when I sit here by the pond. He's the reason I'm here, he's the reason we're all here. I look up at the clouds and wonder what he'd say if he could see us all now. It makes me sad that he's not around to share in our success but he always knew he wouldn't be around forever. I'm grateful for the foundations that he laid for us. We turned this house into a successful recording studio and a home for our very irregular family. I'm sure he'd be proud of what we've done.

We've all been through so much in the past few years but today is a day for celebration, my best friend's wedding. There was a time when I didn't think I'd make it this far. Life has been more than unkind but my family have taught me what's important and they have given me the strength to go on. It's not all been bad, we've had a lot of good times and one or two nice surprises along the way. I'm grateful for what I have but it's not always easy to know what to do for the best, that's why I'm sitting here on my own instead of celebrating with my friends and family.

I always do my best thinking here. The fish are hypnotic as they move through the water and they help me focus. I'm still reeling from the news I've just received. I feel a little selfish but this time I think I'm going to do what's right for me.

Chapter 1

My finger was shaking as I typed the number into my phone. Fear was consuming me but this was something I had to do and it really couldn't wait. I hit dial and waited for an answer. The phone rang three times before someone picked up. I tried to speak but my mouth was dry. I coughed to clear my throat, I could barely bring myself to say the words.

Hi, my name is Angel Denby. I'd like to make an appointment for a termination, please. My voice sounded squeaky and strange.

Certainly. Have you had the pregnancy confirmed? the receptionist asked me.

Yes, my GP ran a test and it was positive, I replied.

And how far along are you?

Five weeks.

OK, would 9:45 on Tuesday morning be suitable for you?

Yeah, that's great. Thank you.

I sighed in relief. I felt so shaky, my knees gave way and I collapsed onto the sofa in my apartment. I was scared. I didn't want to be doing this but I had no choice. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself down. I hardly had chance to collect my thoughts before the apartment door opened.

So this is where you've been hiding! said Miles as he walked in carrying our one year old daughter, Scarlet, in his arms. I reached across the coffee table and quickly closed the lid of my laptop so Miles wouldn't see the abortion clinic website on the screen.

Mumum! Scarlet babbled and held her arms out to me. I smiled and took her from Miles.

How was toddlers? I asked.

It was good. Scarlet was running around with a dolls pram most of the time, weren't you? She had her juice and a biscuit but she wasn't quite brave enough to try the big slide.

Aw, never mind, Scarlet, maybe next week, eh? I said kissing her head. She gave me a big cheeky grin. I couldn't help but smile back at her. She was such a happy baby. I loved being a mum to her, which made what I was doing even harder, but there was no way I could let this pregnancy continue. The sooner it was over the better.

So what have you been up to all morning? asked Miles.

Oh, the usual. I just popped up here to make some phone calls. It's too noisy in the office, Lora keeps putting Endless Desire's single on repeat and it's doing my head in! Miles laughed. Anyway, you haven't got any plans for next week, have you?

No, not that I can think of. Why?

Only I've got some meetings in London, AW Telecoms business. I might have to spend a couple of days down there. Are you OK to have Scarlet?

Sure. Hey, we could come down with you, if you want?

No! I snapped. Miles was surprised by my reaction. No, you'll be bored stupid at the flat and Scarlet will miss playing with her friends at toddlers.

Yeah, I guess. It will be good to spend some time with her, I missed you both so much!

Aw, we missed you too, didn't we, Scarlet? Scarlet smiled and blew her daddy a kiss. Miles smiled and blew her one back.

It was so good to have Miles home. He'd spent the last two months touring America with his band, Unknown Pleasures. It was tough being apart from him for so long. We'd spoken every day on the phone and did video chats on Skype but it wasn't the same as seeing him in person.

Miles got back three days ago, just in time for Scarlet's first birthday. I was glad to have him home but since I found out I was pregnant, it was just so hard to be around him. I had an overwhelming sense of guilt but I hadn't done anything wrong, or at least I didn't think I had. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore.

I left for London early on Tuesday morning. Miles and Scarlet were both still sleeping and I felt guilty for sneaking out without saying goodbye but I didn't want to wake them when they looked so peaceful. The last thing I needed was an emotional goodbye.

The roads were clear and I got to my Docklands flat in good time. I dumped my bag in the bedroom and made myself a black coffee. My stomach turned over at the rich aroma. I'd forgotten how coffee made my morning sickness worse but I needed the caffeine. I washed my face in cold water to try and freshen myself up. I just wanted this to be over, I wanted to forget about it but the nightmares made that impossible. Ending this pregnancy was going to be the easy part.

I took a cab to the clinic, ignoring the lecture I got from the Irish cabbie when I gave him the address.

You shouldn't go putting it about if you don't want to face the consequences! he ranted.

I tried not to let his words bother me but he got under my skin and that made me angry. What the fuck did he know about my circumstances? I didn't ask for this but it still didn't make me feel any better about it. I put my headphones in and pretended to be listening to music, eventually he stopped talking.

When the cabbie pulled up at the clinic I paid him without leaving him a tip and I walked into the clinic with my head held high. The reception area was clean and modern, all glass and light wood floors. The vase of flowers on the front desk and the feminine soft furnishings made it feel more like a spa than a clinic, but it still had that disinfectant smell of a hospital that gave away it's true purpose.

I gave my name to the woman on the desk and took a seat in the waiting room. I don't think I'd ever felt so scared in my entire life. I reached forwards to pick up a copy of Cosmopolitan from the glass coffee table. As I looked up a young black woman about my age sat down in the chair opposite me. I gave her a nervous smile. She smiled back and looked away. I didn't mind, I wasn't exactly in the mood for small talk with strangers.

I flicked through the pages of the magazine but I couldn't concentrate on reading anything. I put the magazine back down and started down at my lap. I hadn't realised my hands were clenched. I stretched out my fingers and tried to relax but I couldn't hide how tense I was.

Your first time? asked the woman sat opposite me.

Yeah, I replied.

My second time, she said. My mother said I will never learn but accidents happen, eh? I smiled and nodded. Not that this was an accident, this was something bad that should never have happened.

Angel Denby, called a nurse in a white tunic. I picked up my bag and stood up.

Good luck! said the woman, smiling.

Thanks, you too! I said as I turned to follow the nurse down the corridor.

The consultation was every bit as difficult as I imagined it would be. I had forms to fill out, personal questions to answer, a physical examination and then there was the counselling. That didn't get off to such a great start.

It is Miss or Mrs. Denby? the doctor asked.

Mrs. Denby, I replied, looking down at the shiny ring on the fourth finger of my left hand.

Ah, we usually counsel couples together you see...

It's not my husband's child, I said coldly. I glanced up and couldn't help but noticed the disapproving look on the doctor's face. She was a large woman in her late 50's. She wore glasses on a chain around her neck and her fat fingers were covered in antique gold rings. She looked at me, her plucked eyebrows raised as if she was hinting for more information. It was a mistake I'd rather forget. I've only been married six months and I already have a daughter with my husband. I can't have this child.

I understand. And is your husband aware of the pregnancy?

No, like I said it was a mistake. He was working away, I got drunk and I had a stupid one night stand. I forgot to take my pill and got pregnant. I tried to give her my hardest business face in a vain attempt to cover the lie. I couldn't have told her the truth even if I'd wanted to.

Very well, considering your early stage of pregnancy I think your best option would be to have a medical abortion. We can give you a tablet to start you off now you can come back later this afternoon for the second dose.

OK. How long will it take?

That's difficult to say. After the second dose I'd say around four to five hours. It can happen sooner but sometimes it takes a little longer than that. If nothing happens you can come back tomorrow and we can assess you again, but as you're only 6 weeks that should be sufficient to terminate the pregnancy. Do you have someone with you?

Yes, I lied.

Very good, the nurse will explain the process, you can expect some cramping and heavy bleeding so it's best not to be on your own.

I knew I had to do this but I was so confused. I wanted this over right now, but when I placed the tablet in my hand I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. I didn't want this thing that was growing inside me, that's all it was, a thing, an alien, unwanted thing. I tried to tell myself it wasn't a baby, it wasn't like Scarlet, but I couldn't deny the fact that it was part of me.

I hesitated. My stomach turned over as I had a flash of memory, a cold dark place. I put the tablet in my mouth and swallowed it with a big gulp of water. There, I'd done it. Now all I had to do was come back at 4 o'clock and wait for everything to happen.

I walked out of the clinic feeling a quiet sense of relief. I didn't feel like going back to the flat, I knew I'd just sit there brooding so I walked down Oxford Street, browsing the stores. I saw a dress that I liked and was tempted to buy it but then I remembered I was supposed to be here on business. Miles would get suspicious if I came back loaded down with shopping bags.

I was going to stop at a cafe for lunch, but the nausea that the nurse warned me about started to take hold. I cancelled my plans for lunch and took a cab back to the flat. I'd glad I did as on the journey there I started cramping. It kind of felt like bad period pain so I took some ibuprofen, set my alarm and took myself off to bed.

I fell into a troubled sleep. I was missing Miles and Scarlet, and I felt so guilty for what I was doing but what choice did I have? I kept telling myself this wasn't my fault, how could it be my fault? It was wrong in every sense of the word. I was going to make it right so tomorrow I could go home and everything would be back to normal, or at least I hoped it would.

I woke up with a start, in a cold sweat from another nightmare. It was the same dream I'd had every night for the past four weeks. My phone alarm sounded and startled me. I'd slept longer than I thought and it was time to go back to the clinic. I got up, quickly washed my face and hurried out the door to hail a cab.

I saw the same doctor again. She asked me to undress from the waist down and lay down on the examination table. With a gloved hand she roughly inserted the tablet deep into my vagina while explaining again what would happen. In a couple of hours time I would start cramping and bleeding, the products of conception would pass and the pregnancy would be over. She gave me antibiotics and painkillers and I went back to the flat to wait.

I phoned for pizza and turned on the TV. I needed a distraction, I didn't want to think, I just wanted this over already. I'd just taken my first bite of my double pepperoni thin crust when my phone started ringing. I instantly recognised the ring tone, it was Miles just calling to see how my day had been. I hated lying to him but there was no way I could tell him the truth. I still wasn't sure what the truth was but there was no way I could tell him about the termination. It would break him.

We talked for twenty minutes but he had to go and settle Scarlet. Five minutes after he hung up the cramps started. In a way it was a relief. I knew the medication was working, my body was getting rid of the thing inside it but I also came over very emotional again. This was my baby, it was part of me, it was Scarlet's sibling, but it was wrong, so very wrong.

The doctor at the clinic had told me to expect heavy bleeding, but when I went to the bathroom and saw the amount of blood I panicked. My periods had never really been that heavy and the sight of blood clots made me feel faint. The pain was increasing, I couldn't stop crying, I felt so scared and I didn't want to be alone.

I sat on the bathroom floor scrolling through my phone. I needed to call someone, but who? I couldn't phone Lora, baby Simon was teething and giving them one hell of a time. I couldn't phone Miles either, there was no way I could explain this to him. I thought about phoning my mum, but she'd just started a new job and she'd be working in the morning. I didn't know what to do. The next person in my phone book was Oliver. Out of desperation I hit dial.

Hey Angel, what's up? he asked cheerfully.

Oliver, can I ask a favour?

Sure! he said.

I'm in London and I need your help...

I didn't explain the full story, I just told him I was ill and didn't want to be on my own. He asked why I hadn't phoned Miles. I told him I didn't want to worry him and asked him not to say anything, but could he please come as quickly as possible. He sounded concerned and a little confused but he agreed. I gave a sigh of relief as he hung up. The cramps were getting stronger, almost like the early labour pains I had with Scarlet. I was so scared. I never thought it would be as bad as this and I just wanted someone there.

I remembered about the pain killers the clinic had given me. I took two codeine tablets and curled up on the sofa with a hot water bottle. I knew it would take Oliver a couple of hours to get down here so I put some music on and tried to sit it out.

The pain killers made me feel sleepy and a little nauseous but they didn't really help with the pain. I took some more ibuprofen too and I must have dozed off because I woke up to the sound of Oliver's voice on the intercom. I got up to let him in but I felt another cramp and a warm trickle of fluid down my leg.

I opened the door and Oliver's face went white as a sheet.

Angel! What happened? You're bleeding! he said with a look of complete horror on his face. I looked down to see a dark stain spreading down my grey marl joggers and a small red pool that had collected around my bare feet. I felt the blood drain from my head and Oliver caught me as I almost fainted.

Fucking hell! I'm calling an ambulance! he said. He leaned me against the wall and rooted through his pockets trying to find his phone.

No! Don't! It's OK! I protested weakly.

OK? Angel, you're bleeding!

It's all right, I know what it is...

What? What could make you bleed like that? It can't be your period. Shit! You're not having a miscarriage are you?

Something like that... I said, doubling up in pain.

What do you mean? Angel, are you pregnant? he asked, putting his hand under my chin and turning my head to face him. I looked up into his pale blue eyes and saw how worried he was. I had to tell him.

Not anymore... I replied, my jaw trembling.

Angel, what do you mean? This is no time for guessing games! Oliver said, more in frustration than anger.

This is supposed to happen. I had a termination. I said, not daring to look at him.

Termination? What? Fuck! You had an abortion? he said, shaking his head in disbelief.

Yes, I said as I started to cry.

Why, Angel? Why would you do that? Miles loves you, you've got Scarlet, you've got everything you could ever need. Does Miles even know?

No! Please don't tell him! I sobbed.

Why ever not?

Because it wasn't his baby... I buried my head in my hands and sobbed.

Shit, Angel! Whose baby was it?

I don't know! I screamed. I couldn't handle it anymore and I completely broke down at Oliver's feet. I hugged my knees, gritting my teeth through the pain as the tears rolled uncontrollably down my cheeks. Oliver put his arm around my shoulder.

Come on, let's get you cleaned up.

Oliver helped me to the bathroom. I was a mess, physically and emotionally, and the pain was so bad I could hardly stand up straight. I never realised it would be this hard! I took off my clothes and let the warm water of the shower wash away the blood and the pain. I felt better for it, but I was still bleeding quite heavily. I was embarrassed when I had to ask Oliver to get me a clean pair of knickers and a sanitary towel from my suitcase, but he obliged without comment or complaint.

I emerged from the bathroom wearing a t-shirt and bathrobe. Oliver gave me half a smile.

How are you feeling now?

A bit better, thanks.

Fancy a cup of tea?

I'd love one, I replied. Oliver was being so kind and I couldn't help but cry again.

Oh Angel! Oliver said as he put his arm around my shoulder and gave me a gentle hug. Come on, sit down and you can tell me all about it.

I did as I was told and sat down on the sofa while Oliver made us some tea. We'd become quite close friends over the last six months, especially when Miles was away in America. Miles had asked him to look after me but I was stubborn and thought I could manage on my own. I never did admit to Miles that I was glad of having Oliver there for those silly little moments like when I couldn't open a jam jar or there was a spider in the bath tub.

Oliver handed me a cup of hot, sweet tea and gave me the most sympathetic look.

Angel, what happened? he asked.

I don't know, I honestly don't know, I said shaking my head.

How did you get pregnant? I rolled my eyes at him and smirked. OK, OK! You know what I mean. Who did you sleep with?

I don't know...

What do you mean, you don't know?

I mean I don't know! I said, snapping at Oliver. He shrugged his shoulders, confused. I sighed. I took a sip of my tea and set it down on the coffee table. I think it happened four weeks ago. I wanted to go see a new band at The Leadmill in Sheffield. Spyder said he'd go with me but he caught Simon's cold and pulled out at the last minute. I was gutted. I know it was irresponsible of me but I decided to go on my own.

Why didn't you ask me? I would have gone with you.

I don't know, I didn't think. I've been to The Leadmill loads of times, I know the staff there, I didn't think it would be a problem. Livi had already agreed to have Scarlet for the night so I got in my car and just went.

So what happened?

That's the thing, I don't know. I remember driving to the gig, I parked in the multi-story car park behind the venue and I remember buying a coke at the bar but I can't remember anything after that.

What, nothing? asked Oliver, looking shocked. I shook my head and tried to hold back the tears. I held my stomach as the pain flared up again. Do you think someone spiked your drink?

They must have. I was driving, so it wasn't like I was drunk or anything. I have absolutely no recollection of what happened, it's all blank. I don't remember speaking to anyone or even seeing the band.

Shit, Angel! Did you report it?

Report what? I didn't know what happened. I woke up the next morning in a disused office building across the road from the venue. I felt awful, I had the worst headache and just wanted to go home. I winced in pain as another cramp hit.

Are you sure you're OK? I can call for a doctor if you want? said Oliver.

No, I'm fine. They said this would happen. I thought I could handle it on my own, but... I put my head in my hands and tried not to cry but I couldn't help it.

Hey! Come on now, you don't have to do this on your own. Why didn't you tell Miles?

I know I should have, but you don't know what he's like. He's so protective of me, he'd go ballistic if he thought anyone else had touched me. I wasn't even sure I had been raped until last week. I'd been trying a different pill but I was getting a lot of headaches so I stopped taking it. My period was late so I went to the doctors. I nearly died when they said I was pregnant. I knew it couldn't have been Miles's baby. There was no way I could tell him, he would have been devastated. I had to get rid of it before he found out.

But Angel, you were raped! He can't hold you responsible for that!

I know, I just didn't want to hurt him, we've been through enough already. I just want to put all this behind me and get on with things. So don't you dare go telling him!

Don't worry, I won't tell a soul but you really need to report it. Someone might have seen something. This guy could do it again to another girl.

Yeah, I know what you mean, I just can't... I sighed. I was exhausted, physically and emotionally spent. Oliver didn't ask any more questions, he just held me as I cried on his shoulder.

It was a long night. The cramps and bleeding kept me awake until the early hours of the morning. I felt so nauseous and even threw up a couple of times, but Oliver was a star. He stayed up with me, he didn't judge me for what I'd done and he didn't press me for any more details.

By 4 am I collapsed into bed. Oliver slept on the sofa and neither of us woke up until gone 11 o'clock the