Gardenias Bruise Easily

By Rev. Charmaine Lee, CHt

A story that lays bare the authors journey from abuse to light. She unashamedly chronicles what she went through, how it affected her, how she learned to heal herself and how her journey led to the creation of the techniques and tools that she now uses to help countless others heal themselves as well.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Rev. Charmaine Lee, CHt
• Release date: Feb 19, 2013
• ISBN: 9781928806059

Rev. Charmaine Lee, CHt

Charmaine Lee has an unmistakable knowingness about human behavioral instincts and how it affects relationships. Her first-hand experience with fear and anger lead her on a journey to heal these internal wounds —her life’s mission — for herself and others. It is her extensive personal experiences that provided synesthesia as framework to overcome adversities; such as fear, anger, rage and shame of abuse. Multiple thoughts and feelings became the center of attention. Thorough research has taken her on this path to go beyond just an understanding. She took the necessary steps to advance out of victimhood and into the next phases of her life. Thus, achieve the wholeness of SELF through physical, mental, emotional and spiritual poise. An Entrepreneur and Visionary, Inspirational Public Speaker, and Success Coach, she is the Co-founder of Foundation For Insight, LLC, a company committed to the evolution of human souls. It is Rev. Lee’s steadfast origin to create a planetary consciousness for a synergistic flow among all that exists. In addition Charmaine Lee runs her own business as an Author, Speaker, Coach and Trainer. She is pro-active with various community organizations and provides an outlet on Facebook for people to share and get support at https://www.facebook.com/VictorsOfAbuse/. With over twenty years of experience in the fields of personal growth and crisis management, she has worked in key positions including as a non-commissioned employee of the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department; Sales as Basic Manager of PSI Seminars; and a provider of after-school services and leadership programs for high-risk youth for the YMCA of Southern Nevada. She served as a Trauma Intervention Volunteer (T.I.P.) for several years. She travels across the U.S. and Canada presenting her Mastery SystemTM workshops. She is an abuse awareness spokeswoman. She also speaks on topics dealing with relationships and self-empowerment. Most recently, Ms. Lee completed a rigorous training regimen and is now an affiliate of the Association for Integrative Psychology (AIP). The AIP Board certifications include Master Practitioner status in: Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), Hypnotherapy, Integrative Therapy and Mental & Emotional Release. She actively works in the area of holistic medicine with other naturopaths and chiropractors to promote wellness. Born in Honolulu, Hawaii of a kahuna lineage, Charmaine Lee uses both her inherited traditional techniques in tandem with modern methodologies and philosophies. She possesses extraordinary abilities as an Intuitive Empath to aid in the rapid progress for those ready to do the work with all areas of her expertise. Her studies with numerous master teachers add to her vast repertoire. An ordained OverLight Metaphysician and a Metaphysician Innovator with a Doctorate of Metaphysics, Rev. Charmaine Lee practices in the field of Energy Medicine and Holistic practices. She has an all-encompassing background in spirituality. She is an OverLight Facilitator in Spiritual Psychology, certified in Spiritual Communication and many other Lightworker OverLight modalities. She is certified as a Body Talk Practitioner, a Reiki Master, and Light Dimension Master Healer as well. She is a strong advocate and has years of experience in personal development. Charmaine Lee is a dedicated mother and grandmother; she is co-raising her two granddaughters so that her daughters can pursue their careers. She is married to an extraordinary man with many talents. Her accomplishments include being a former amateur accordion player, a professional dancer and choreographer in Tahitian and Hawaiian hula traditions. Look for Charmaine’s next book, the 2nd Edition Becoming An Empowered Leader, Cut Through Obstacles to Success. This is through years of research, tried and tested studies of over fifteen years and across a diverse population, where readers will benefit from the experiences of others who already have traveled this path.

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Special Dedication

To my Granddaughters

This is a special gift of my love to my grand-children: Nalani Malia and Seneca Neveah, whose living examples inspire and teach me what love is on a daily basis. It is their love that motivates me to share my journey through struggles of vulnerability and growth, into the success of whom I have become.

Dedication

This book is dedicated to heroes such as yourselves who are ready to take this journey. And for those who want balance and have found the inner strength to challenge their mind, body, and soul.

To My Dearest Children!

It has been a battle for me to even begin to explain what transpired during my youth and adult years. What I have written is from my life experiences, and the facts are from my perspective: looking in and seeing out. I am sure that each of you will have your own story to tell; a different version than mine. However, I am sharing these events I know about myself in hopes that you will get to know me better. Maybe one day you will understand who I am and the mistakes that I made with you can be healed.

The responsibility is upon me to find peace within. I found many ways to heal. Many mirrors were placed before me as I watched each of you grow into adults;—the choices you have made along with the struggles you endured and the paths that each of you took to enrich your own lives.

My hope at the time of your birth was to give you a life healthier than my own. When I first looked into your eyes, I had aspirations to provide you with only love. It was my responsibility to protect you as well as nurture you. I was determined to change the destiny, that you would not mimic my own abusive realities. In spite of my desires, I found it was not at all easy. The memories of my life became my nightmare and my shame; yet, it provoked me to not stop seeking for answers.

Yes, I wanted to provide a legacy that you would be proud of. And what I found was I had coped with the failures I created because I did not know what emotions and feelings still ran my life. The constant battles between love and abuse were unexplainable, with no one to understand. The professional assistance I sought was condemning, which did not allow me to mend. I kept searching.

My sense of failure drove me to react instead of truly healing. The emotional wounds kept re-opening as my thoughts were falsely under control. Reliving the pain was grueling, and yielded no benefits. On the other hand, that very pain is what motivated me to not want for you to mimic my past. There were happier aspects of my life that we did experience together, and I wanted to bring forth as well.

Through all my battles within a war, I maintained my commitment to stop abuse but it literally became destructive because I did not know where to begin. In spite of what you might believe, it was my love for each of you that kept me focused. I truly wanted to reform my reactive behaviors, but I have to admit that I did not know how to stop the demons of familiarity; I only knew how to act in an unacceptable demeanor, as like all people, we live what we learn.

The values were clearly there, but I did not know that repetition was so deep-rooted. My own personal conviction was to stop the patterns I had learned. What I value most in my life is each of you. I did not know how to stop these cycles. Despite my negative patterns, I did discover and eventually value my imperfection as an ally to take on this venture.

All I can give to you are the special memories of love, joy, and happiness. There were difficult times, but there were many more memorable times. With each one of you I do have many of those precious moments. Your memory may differ from my perspective. I am not asking for anything except forgiveness for those instances when I had inflicted some heartbreak that made difficult times for you.

Remember with an open heart how my journey allowed me to guide you to your own growth. It was the discoveries I made of myself that led me to share. If I could do it all over again with what I do know now and the healing I have received, there are many ways that I would touch your heart and embrace who you are as I smother you with love. This is my testament of truth, not excuses. It is my hope that you will be able to find ways to heal yourself. As this is my legacy to you, I reveal this information with a most vulnerable heart. Most of all, I want to remind each of you just how much I love you!

With all my love always, Mom

Acknowledgments

I graciously thank my family: my husband, Eddie, and my children, Tiffany, Kaylani, and Gilbert, for their love and support, especially during the most trying times when they did not fully understand.

In high regard to those who made this book happen; I am blessed for my many generous Contributors:

Nicole Hatcher, Editor

Jon Carl Olson, Co-Founder of Foundation For Insight, LLC.

Leslei Fisher, Content Supervisor, Graphic Artist/Layout

To my spiritual counselor and dear friend, Christine Brzysko, who has been constant in my life through many years of inspiration and loving leadership.

My deepest appreciation to Esperanza Universal who opened the pathways towards wholeness and healing.

And my gratitude to Mark William Skomal for his participation in moving this book forward.

I also feel a debt of gratitude to those who urged me to be courageous in sharing my story:

Julianne Zeeveld, Jack Womack,

Steve and Barbara Rother,

Carrie Knepp, Autumn J. Hugo,

and Marianne Padjan.

Special thank you for those who believed in me:

Sandie Sedgbeer, Pepper Lewis, Christine Day, Rita Smallwood, and Darlene Halick.

To the many heroes who have allowed my training and my experience to be part of their daily practice, which is the highest compliment and most generous gift you have given me.

In appreciation of all my friends who stood by me with kindness, understanding, and with no conditions on love. There were many of you who unintentionally affected my life by reflecting my own heart.

And for each of you who have touched my heart; it is through your inspiration, and your accomplishment that drives my determination to bring forth these truths.

Most of all to my Creator, Divine Source, my guides and angels, my soul, I honor you for my human experience. And everything I have, I know I am blessed by the hand of God who provides me a platform for others to heal; with joy and peace.

Foreword

My wife Barbara and I have traveled the world teaching our flavor of Lightwork for many years now. I am sure it happens to every teacher, as it has to us, when a student asks, Why can’t we just be in the light? Why can’t we just have good experiences in our lives and spread the light in that manner. Why do we even need darkness? The short answer is that we don’t. In fact a lot of our own teachings are short cuts to that end, to show people how to harness and use the new energy. I believe that the highest end of humanity is to perfect itself and is something for which every human inherently strives. We are still left with the question of why do we have or need darkness at all? You hold the answer to that question in your hands right now.

At one point in our lives, Barbara and I decided to relocate our home and business to Las Vegas. We felt an incredible draw that neither of us could fully understand. As we outgrew our house in San Diego we finally decided to make the move. Charmaine Lee had been our host in Las Vegas previously and was a huge help in our getting settled. She has been an integral part of our organization since that day and has helped to create the spiritual family atmosphere for which we strive. Obviously we are not the only ones who recognized her bright light as shortly after we moved, Charmaine was voted Spiritual Woman of the Year by a magazine for her contributions here in the Las Vegas spiritual scene. One must wonder, how does a person get to that level especially with such a difficult start in life?

Perhaps the difficult start actually has a different purpose. Perhaps, when one masters the light they use darkness as it was intended, to flavor and bring a new beauty to the light. By adding contrast, darkness can be used to define the light. I believe that to be the answer to my original quandary. I believe that when we transmute negative energy and show the strength of our spirit, it adds a new beauty to the light, a beauty that can be added in no other way.

It is clear to see from Charmaine’s story that darkness never overcomes the light. Like a flashlight shining its beam to a dark corner, the darkness retreats in the presence of the light. It is never the reverse as it is not possible to own a flashlight that shines darkness. Similarly, even in the most degrading experiences, the human spirit resides and can shine through and bring forth a higher beauty from resolving and integrating that experience. That takes a spirit with incredible courage--the kind of courage it takes to tell ones story openly like this, without blame or prejudice, thus shining light in a dark corner even if it is painful. It is the kind of courage it takes to transmute the negative experiences into positive attributes.

What you hold in your hands is much more than a personal history of a powerful teacher as she stepped out of the darkness and into her work. What you hold in your hands is a road map to mastery. It is the story of light over the darkness and a very brave woman. Well done, Charmaine! Yes, ‘Gardenias bruise easily’ but what beauty they bring forth!

Steve Rother

Author, teacher and five-time presenter to the United Nations. Host of the VirtualLight Broadcast at www.Lightworker.com

Never Quit on Yourself!

To stand in your truth,

the I AM,

is all that you have

should everything else be taken away.

It is what you first search for

when you yearn to connect to your soul.

- Charmaine Lee

1 Introduction

My reasons for revealing myself herein are not to simply relay my relative experiences for analysis, comparison, or entertainment. I share my emotional experiences resulting from the Truth within my realm of reality. Emotions are energy in motion that are borne and most deeply rooted from significant events beginning in childhood. In reflecting back upon my journey, the emotions and feelings I had were complicated; in discerning my choices at life’s crossroads, it seemed that the more I addressed how I was feeling, the more urgent my resolve to heal the pain. My reactions varied from the actions I chose to take. When I dissected my emotions, I realized that I needed simplicity for understanding and healing. My complexities lay in the fact that there were too many thoughts surrounding each individual feeling, which continued to compile accruing emotional buildup with each layer of experience.

My book is about sharing unquestionable incidents that affected the course of my life. It was from these incidents and discoveries that I developed and implemented techniques simple enough for anyone to use: Practical tools that are easily applicable for anyone seeking balance, wellness and healing. There is never an end to the search for ‘How’ one will deal with a human life. This is because the search for wellness and balance is always ongoing as life is ever changing.

The stories in this book disclose many personal experiences. For many the information will sound somewhat unfamiliar unless the experiences described are similar to your own. Some readers may have been the abusers and therefore might not completely understand this perspective. Anyone who has ever been abused can clearly relate, but for the most part, I feel anybody reading this book will empathize as we’ve all been felt on the outside at some point in life. The episodes of my life were different facets of the same underlying pain which kept me anchored in my negative behavior. This pain that fed, fueled, and motivated my emotional reactions. Throughout the book, a few names are acknowledged because of the critical impact those defining incidents had upon my life. Perhaps, the messages in the stories shared may relate to you on a certain level, or even someone you know. In this sanctuary of self-expression, of vulnerability, of love, I reveal to you my heart through its growth and struggles as a child, as a woman, and as a person.

So, what happened to me? I will convey my story as I felt my chronology of life impressions unfold. Mind you, these are just stories from my relative reality. If any one of you stepped into my shoes and looked through my eyes, only then could you have full appreciation of what I did experience. I could easily present the clichéd perspective, It’s my life, in terms of diametrically opposed lifestyles: Me vs. You, His vs. Her, etc. Yet, after years of research and self- review, personal experience not only suggests, but has me now firmly believing the opposite: That all of our lives are more similar than not; often in sync, even parallel, at one time or another. The more frequently you recognize it, the more apparent the similarities become.

Like all journeys, my emotional journeys had recurring patterns, but during my most desperate lows, what I most wanted was to end my existence. I held the belief that there was no environment I felt to be an exclusive part of, or that I made any difference by being alive.

I guess you can consider this behavior as self-blame, from the voices of self-doubt within my head. The blame, I believed, was my existence. Yet, what does this really mean? The voices I heard were internal battles of my sense of worth: Being Enough versus Not. This lifelong war was not won, nor did it stop, within my personal sphere of thoughts. Discovering my how and where to begin seemed the longest leg of my journey. Honestly, who really knows what to look for without seeking self-help or considering counseling of some kind? I eventually sought various external guidance and assistance. Yet, after visiting several professionals, none could help me find answers or resolution. It took many more years of journeying my cyclic patterns to realize that external assistance was not the ultimate resolution. Every answer to your life’s questions lies within. As this well-known saying has been so beautifully put, Those who do not go within, go without.1

I sought counseling from several professionals, yet none could help me find resolution to the answers I sought. There were not many who were versed to understand how the body and mind simultaneously responded to one another. It was during my last attempt to seek help that I met my final therapist, who opened my eyes to the beautiful truth: There was absolutely nothing the matter with me. I simply yearned for the most basic of human desires, and what I desired was only to be loved. Love is the bottom line in every relationship. This is what we all desire because it is the driving life force within us and the universe; it is the life force which binds us and all of Creation. She stated that my whole demeanor was Love. This is the state of grace in all humanity. I just needed to fully realize it to truly know it, and to always remember it.

It was at this point where I began to most vigorously open my wounds of experience. Each of us has a different story, a unique set of circumstances, background environment, culture, and so much more. The learning experience within any circumstance relates to each one of us, on one level, or another. Feelings and emotions are a customized life experience specifically tailored to each person’s life. These feelings and emotions that we customize for our lives can cause the heart pain as well as joy. For instance, pain tolerance is relative because each person will interpret pain differently. Each person filters and perceives their thoughts and emotions uniquely. Denial only delays, even extends the process, just as suppression or repression of feelings can add another layer to the level of pain. Our emotions are rooted in our thoughts (later I realized how negative thoughts affected my nervous system within the unconscious mind), and can therefore obscure everything we think we know, based on our customized filters of perception.

Being unable to express or share one’s hurt only leads to emotional repression, which later manifest into outbursts and negative life patterns. My childhood feelings of being alone with nobody to turn to fueled my frustration and anger. During one of my many out of body experiences as a toddler, I was able to look upon myself, and literally observe myself reacting. I could see that my self-image was under attack at the hand of my own criticisms. Being only four years old, this was as frightening as it was confusing, but it did enable me to witness the outward effects instilled by early years of self-doubt and isolation.

Anybody who has ever been plagued by self-doubt can relate to the endless cycle of negative inner dialogue. With every new self-doubt, my negative mind chatter increased; each new frustration stoked the fires fueling my negative reactions. The more I witnessed this transpiring in my life, the more I retreated into denial and defiance. I could feel my heart tightening, mental hands forming fists of disgust. I literally witnessed my own self- punishment, self-loathing, self-denial through viewing it from outside sources, predominantly from abusive relationships. Being only experience in self-loathing, my viewing my self-abnegation from without as well as from within did not heal me, it only shamed me. Over time, I began to abhor my very existence.

In the reality I perceived, I had to question God’s Love because in my eyes I was disgusting and unworthy of being alive. Like most abuse survivors, the opinions I formed about myself created a recipe for self-destruction. After years of hiding behind layers of other people’s expectations and judgments, I sadly came to realize that my individuality had become damaged. It had gotten smothered in the process of my living for and by the sake of others, rather than for and of my Self. I did not know who I was.

My experiences were so overwhelming; I felt it alienated me from the outside world. I had difficulty explaining my emotions and feelings because those whom I had chosen to share this with seemed, shall we say, less than interested. My inability and inexperience to express my heart, was only compounded and confounded whenever I spoke to someone who was unable or unwilling, to hear or understand me. Therefore, in my reality, I was a freak. Maybe, if I were prettier, someone would care enough to listen to what I had to say. It was my belief at this point in my life that being beautiful was one source of acceptance. That possibly someone who cared about me might hold the valuable information I sought, the magic key for me to unlock my freedom; that I might waken and understand.

More and more I wanted to understand why nobody cared or loved me unconditionally, without expecting me to be someone I was not. There was no one I could turn to for help and not feel all alone. At the same time, it was hard to open up to anyone around me because most people in my immediate reality were friends of my mother – so no confidences would be kept sacred. The only privacy I had to share my hurts was in my own mind. How would I ease this pain I felt?

But the stronger my desire to understand, the more arduous my search became; my unanswered questions remained at a painful distance. The idea of abuse happening to me seemed unique. I discovered I was not unique and I was not alone. Anyone who has ever journeyed a life battling self-doubt has only thought they were alone; in this regard we are all the same. Your circumstances and how you React to them is what make you unique, but the feeling of isolation is fairly common. Be comforted fellow journeymen, that even when you think you are the most alone, in truth we never are.

My lifelong conundrum of self-doubt was rooted in a fearful question: Whether or not I was (genetically) a part of my family, or if I truly deserved to be part of the family. Yet, why did I want to be part of a family where I was being abused? And why was it so important for me to have my mother’s approval? No matter what I did right it was never enough. Academics were critically essential to my parents, which was never questioned by me. As grueling as it was, it fell under our family’s stringent expectations; logically it made perfect sense to me. However, even having stellar grades was not enough. I was always asked, Why didn’t I do better? How did somebody else out achieve me? How was I not at the very top of the list? The questions continued.

The obscurity about my role in life weighed heavily upon my heart. I did not want to go through life feeling like a failure, yet every time I looked into the mirror that is all I ever saw: Failure. Being raised under my mother’s expectations, her definition of lack of worth would be my getting an A on my report card that should have been an A+. Not making a cut, a team, or first place. Not winning was her let down, whether it be accolades, academics, competition, or even a street fight. Unless I achieved what my mother wanted I was worthless, and in my upbringing, failure was defined as not fulfilling the expectations of my parents. I believed this.

To me, my life seemed a waste. Surely there were others more worthy of the space and time I occupied. My belief in this self-doubt left me with guilt over my very existence. My occupying wasted space left me with dishonor. Losing faith and sense of purpose, I easily retreated, slipping into uncertainty and despair by young adulthood. I had lost my soul searching drive; no longer was I determined to search to understand my Whys. In the inexperience of my youth, it seemed easier for me to remain stuck and surrender to the victim persona, the constant reminder of who I was through other people’s perceptions. Surrendering to despair, to the rut of victim status, is what I believed was necessary to stop the ugliness and abuse. Perhaps if I submitted and accepted, even embraced these negative self-views; if I quietly owned my loser status, it wouldn’t keep being forced upon me by others. If I lived in a state of surrender and submitted to their opinions, perhaps the abusive environment would lessen.

What I didn’t realize I was doing was manifesting an ongoing nightmare, for worry and fear are energies that draw to us that which we do not want. Over a lifetime of anxiety and self-doubt, I would thereby come to live my own worst fears: This constant surrendering of self only perpetuates an ongoing cycle of self-doubt and self-abuse.

All energy feeds energy never ending, and this was the energy I was feeding my existence — Negativity, Doubts, Despair. I’d fallen into a common pitfall of self-abuse: I’d come to believe that by my taking a backseat to others, by putting myself last, this would make me less obtrusive, less offensive — and maybe, just maybe, if they noticed my efforts, people would approve, accept, perhaps even love me. My existence was a blight; an infection throughout my society, amongst my peers, and anyone in my sphere. No one was safe around me. They were bound to be infected by my existence because I was not worthy of love.

The years of searching for an answer to Why me? and Why is this happening to me, again? were constant self-torment. The anguish lingered because I did not know how to find the solutions to these questions. It seemed that the more I searched the more questions I uncovered. The answers I found were difficult to comprehend as I still struggled to fight for my truth, and that itself only led to more questions, never a definitive answer.

My transition from self-abuse to self-healing, from abuse to love, was not as simple as it sounds because ultimately, beyond all shadows of doubt, I wanted to live. For me, the definition of healing is, The process of recovery, repair, and restoration; a return to wholeness.2 Such a venture always has a plot, a message, a destination, even a happy ending. Yet, the hardest part can sometimes be finding how and where to begin.

In the most trying of emotional circumstances, it is easy to slip into fear mode and forget that we are always loved. An encouraging starting point towards healing, especially during down times, is to remember you are never alone. Physically and emotionally speaking, abuse victims are unfortunately not a minority, simply a silent faction needing further expression. Spiritually speaking, none of us are ever alone. Abuse tends to force one to withdraw into isolation out of self-doubt and shame, to look the other way, to deny it ever happened, and even convince themselves (perhaps unconsciously) that they somehow deserved it. As is the case with any denial, we are actually withdrawing from our selves when we withdraw from our truth.

There may be some who can relate to my life’s crossroads, to the choices I made or didn’t make. Still, there are always those who do not understand why a person would stay in an abusive relationship. It is easy to quickly judge if one has never experienced a similar situation — particularly abuse. It is my hope that the seekers reading my words will discover their personal answers to their individual, Why don’t I leave? question because bottom line is this: Leaving an abusive situation is the ultimate and ONLY salvation. There is no middle ground or shades of grey. Leaving is the only option.

Victims often remain in their situation because they feel emotionally obligated in some way. Do not try to fix someone else’s damage before mending your own; this is true of any healing modality, but most especially self-healing. Never try to fix the abuser; their dis-ease is neither your responsibility, nor your cross to bear. Trying to fix another’s problem is only extending the situation because the longer you stick around, the longer time abusers have to perfect their justifying and reinvent new, continued excuses for their behavior. There are a great number of people who walk in silence, pretending or rationalizing they are not abused. Look around you, at the people you know, even the ones you do not. Statistics show that one in three women share this desperate silence, but live in denial in order to survive without cracking mentally or spiritually. Up to a third of reported2b domestic abuse cases are male victims. Abuse does not discriminate and their silent victims are all sufferers of the same disease: Low self-worth rooted in personal fears.

There are instances when abuse may be too painful to remember, perhaps best left undisturbed until the proper space and time creates a window for healing. Most tragic are the abuse victims who have no voice at all. Within this silent minority, children are the most vulnerable. Children are the voiceless victims, their silence borne of deep conflict: Their own survival vs. protecting the people they love / fear the most — their abusers. Children abuse victims have the additional burden of both entirely loving and being entirely dependent upon their abusers. This is where most cycles of abuse begin: A lifelong addiction deeply entrenched in being trapped by wanting love and approval vs. fear of rejection and the unknown.

Abusers do not have a particular look. They are from all walks of socio-ethnic groups. I am not a famous person. I am not a doctor. I am a middle-class, hard working woman, mother and grandmother. It doesn’t matter that I am a successful entrepreneur with multiple skills, knowledge and abilities if only my feelings of being damaged goods is what prevails. As an abuse survivor, I discovered that there were also withdrawal symptoms, very similar to an addict’s. This is because energy is infectious. Misery can be addictive if unhappiness is your feeling of home. It’s why people cannot stop watching the news or gruesome reality shows. In the same way, it is why people do not want to stop immersing themselves in positive upliftment courses, advancement training, or any hobby you are passionate about.

But before we find ourselves willing to allow ourselves the pursuit of such hobby passions, abuse victims often spend a lot of time drudging through the same circles of unhappiness, because even if we scratch the surface of an answer, we are still addicted to the familiarity of misery. In good times, the withdrawal symptoms would nudge their way forward; this often manifested through experiencing past memories. This is because disease and suffering can be an addiction; just about anything cyclical can be described as such. My continued research and self-education allowed me to discover and eventually free myself.

As I grow and heal, my persistence to practice every day is crucial as my own thoughts and emotions ever change. As you share my journey through these pages, I must reiterate that these are merely my sole perceptions, my feelings and emotions. This book is for anyone who can relate to any aspect of my story (both my thoughts and feelings) as I discern my personal truths and resolutions.

All these processes will eventually burst into a myriad number of directions; even the potential of becoming an abuser exists if one surrenders to mimicking what was learned. An abuse victim has the potential to attract bad relationships because we all live what we learn. But it is even more than learned behavior; abuse is a dis-ease. There are many ranges of abuse: emotional, mental, and physical health. All are interconnected, and ultimately, it is one’s spiritual health and balance that becomes affected. Treatment can be defined as the steps taken to understand the root cause of the pain. Only through consistent treatment can the pain be alleviated; spiritual health and balance thus restored and maintained. Continually practicing such treatment is not only a key, it is essential for