Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2012

By Harlowe Pilgrim

An album of Harlowe Pilgrim's short humor writing, featuring works published in 2012.

Includes "Really? He Put Fireworks in his Ass?", "The Big Skydiving World Record, Jesus and Santa", "Pop Goes the Virginity Auction", "Harlowe Pilgrim's Twas the Night Before Christmas", and more!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Harlowe Pilgrim
• Release date: Dec 1, 2012
• ISBN: 9780985450144

Harlowe Pilgrim

Humorist and storyteller.Author of the novels Jesus Vs. Santa, Superhero Story, Superhero Story 2, and the ebooks Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2012, 2013, and 2014.Proprietor of Harlowe Pilgrim's Cock and Bull Blog (mucho adults-only humor and other writing) and Harlowe Pilgrim's Superhero Story Blog (material appropriate for all ages).

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Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2012

By Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

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Table of Contents

Really? He Put Fireworks in his Ass?

Jesus and his Old Lady

Put a Condom on my Olympics

Jesus Christ Interview, with Harlowe Pilgrim

Peeing on People

Crack Down on Pussy Riot

Arnold and Me (or Twins II) - Part Uno

Mary Magdalene Interview, with Harlowe Pilgrim

The Big Skydiving World Record, Jesus and Santa

Bestiality and Ewe

Arnold and Me (or Twins II) - Part Duo

Pop Goes the Virginity Auction

Scary Funny

Big Dick's Love Gloves

Turkey Tyme - Thanksgiving Fun

Santa and Mrs. Claus Interview, with Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim's Twas The Night Before Christmas

Jesus Vs. Santa (Special Three-Chapter Preview)

Really? He Put Fireworks in his Ass?

Have you heard the one about the guy who shot the fireworks out of his ass? Sounds like someone’s been to too many KISS concerts.

I saw a news article describing the incident, but we won’t bother ourselves with the facts here. Just the idea that it actually occurred is quite thought provoking.

Imagine how that emergency call went:

"Help! We need help! My friend just blew up his ass!"

"Um … would you mind repeating that, Sir? It sounded like you said …"

"Yes! He blew up his ass! That’s what I said! And that might not be all, either … please, we really need help."

"Is this a prank call?"

"No! Lady, please …"

"Um … okay. So, your friend just blew up his ass. I … I need to ask you a couple questions, alright?"

"Fucking A! What’s the matter with you? Just send someone, will you?"

"Sir, I have to ask … please stay calm. Now, how exactly did he blow his ass up?"

"Fireworks. Between his ass cheeks."

"Really? He put fireworks in his ass?"

"Yes."

"Hmmm …"

"Hmmm what? This is an goddamned emergency!"

"I’m very sorry."

"Sorry? Sorry about what?"

"Sir, I’m afraid we’re not going to be able to do much for your friend."

"What?! Why not?!"

"Well … unfortunately … it sounds like your friend’s stupidity has reached an advanced stage; it’s likely he’s terminal. We will not be sending anyone out."

"But … wait!"

"Have a good night, Sir. Goodbye."

Now, I’ve never even contemplated putting explosives in my ass … and it’s amazing to me that this guy did. And he lit the fuse! I guess his mother never told him not to. Funny, our mothers never had to tell us not to. Somehow, I doubt that Einstein is this guy’s last name.

You’re probably thinking what I was thinking: surer than shit, this story is straight out of a trailer park, somewhere deep in the heart of Appalachia—with the bad judgment being the product of good moonshine and better inbreeding.

But as it turns out, this little show of pyrotechnic prowess was put on down under—as in, Australia. Do they have moonshine in Australia? Inbreeding? Nah …

It’s fitting that it happened in Australia, though—seeing as he was burnt down under. What a place to even have an open flame! What if there was a methane leak? Maybe there was (obviously something went very wrong).

Confucius say, Man who cauterize asshole shut, find himself in high pressure situation.

Indeed.

Jesus and his Old Lady

Hold the phones! Have you heard the news? Jesus Christ had a wife!

According to the experts, that's what a newly unveiled scrap of ancient papyrus tells us (see the article here). They say it quotes Jesus talking about my wife (meaning his wife, not the author's wife).

So, I guess we can consider that case closed—because the experts have never steered us wrong.

Actually, come to think of it, they screw with us all the time. So, I'm afraid this time, I'm