If I Die, Please Bring Cheesecake To My Funeral

By Donloree Hoffman

In an effort to get in shape and rid herself of the insidious muffin top, Donloree Hoffman puts down the cheesecake and picks up a gym membership. Join in the crazy misadventures as she fights the battle of the bulge and barely lives to tell about it.

Learn important things like:

- why ski lifts come equipped with safety bars
- women weren’t created to breathe underwater
- how to navigate a day in the office after forgetting your bra
- what to do when everyone else is doing the pretzel handstand
- zebras can be red and cream, not just black and white
- how to avoid being swam over by a hoard of men
- following the rules can help you avoid concussions

• Language: English
• Publisher: Donloree Hoffman
• Release date: Jul 31, 2012
• ISBN: 9780987955104

Donloree Hoffman

I have been known to go about life without reading instructions. In my not so humble opinion, it is the most sensible way to get things done. The instruction manual is consulted only in dire situations, which are most likely a direct result from not reading instructions in the first place.I realize this a rather unique approach to life.I attract ridiculous and crazy adventures. While still in utero, my mom tripped and ended up rolling down a somewhat large cliff at a beach on the west coast. We both shook it off like champs, but random things have been happening to me ever since.Over a decade of my life was spent pursuing the ‘dream job and dream life’. After working my way up the corporate ladder and living the life everyone else wanted, I came to realize I wasn’t living at all. Finally, I admitted I wanted more out of life, so I went on an epic journey from being overweight and unhappy to healthy and fulfilled and started to live with purpose and passion. My greatest discovery was that I am better than I thought I was, and so are you.Along with being a leadership coach and author, my proudest accomplishments include working with Mother Teresa's Missionaries of Charity in Calcutta, competing in a Figure Competition, and renovating our first home.

Book preview

If I Die, Please Bring Cheesecake to My Funeral

Donloree Hoffman

Copyright 2012 | DonloreEbooks

Edmonton

Smashwords Edition

ISBN 978-0-9879551-0-4

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Dedication

For my two biggest fans.

Mom.

Thank you for naming me Donloree and always laughing at my ‘funniness and silliness.’

Jon.

Without you, I would not be who I am. Thank you for never letting me give up on my dreams, and doing anything and everything to make them happen.

Table of Contents

I Blame Angelina

An Apple a Day Keeps the Ambulance Away

New Things in the New Year

Popularity isn't as Grand as They Make it Out to Be

What’s in a Name?

Starting Your Day Right

Red and Cream Zebra

Something Every Woman Needs

Honesty Really is the Best Policy

It’s All Greek to Me!

Not for the Faint of Heart

Ridiculous Rules

I Do Not Love Kayaking

Myth Busting

Confessions

About the Author

I Blame Angelina

I have spent more of my life than I would like to admit, hoping and praying that Angelina Jolie would get a muffin top.

She has failed me in every way.

Even after giving birth, she still remains muffin top free. If she had a muffin top and embraced it, all women everywhere would be liberated.

My faith in Angelina to champion the everyday woman was so great that I decided to not be overly concerned about my muffin top.  After all, the last thing I would want to be is out of fashion when the muffin top became the next big thing in haute couture.

To be ready for Angelina’s show of daring, I consumed M&Ms, Doritos, white breads, and pastries on a regular basis, and also avoided strenuous exercise.

The muffin top has yet to make an appearance at New York Fashion Week. After over a decade of waiting, I finally realized it was never going to happen.

It was time to liberate myself of wearing foundational undergarments, akin to a straight jacket, in order to fit into my clothes. What can I say? I think it’s important to be able to breathe and sit down without looking like you’ve pulled every muscle in your back.

A woman can only wait so long for Angelina to come through for her before its time to change tactics.

It was time to get to get my arse to the gym.

Back to Table of Contents

An Apple a Day Keeps the Ambulance Away

While thinking about how to combat my slower-than-a-slug metabolic rate, I had an epiphany. Why not hire an expert to help me get rid of the muffin top? Pure genius! I completed a good, old-fashioned Google search for ‘Muffin Top Slayer.’ Poor results were returned.

Go figure.

After more sensible Googling, I found a personal trainer who fit my ‘Muffin Top Slayer’ ideals and booked an appointment.

Before starting with a personal trainer, you are required to fill out a bunch of forms promising that you are healthy and