Twisted: Enter At Your Own Risk

By Arthur Reilly

A series of essays that take a peek inside the mind of a gay man. Some are fact, some are based on true stories, some will make you laugh, some will make you cry.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Arthur Reilly
• Release date: Jun 24, 2012
• ISBN: 9781452466286

Arthur Reilly

Cat lover, backgammon enthusiast, collector of boardgames, and a single renaissance man.

Book preview

CHAPTER 1 COMEDY…………………………...................…………….…………...6

Wife Busters ………………………………………………….......................................................7

Trophy Boys ………………………………………………….......................................................9

May I Take Your Bullshit Please? ..……...............….................................................................10

Baseball or Porn ………………………..……............................................................................12

All Those Model Ads ………………………................................................................................13

Penis Enlargement ………………..…………………….............................................................14

How You Know You’re Getting Older ….....................................................................................15

Jack in the Box ……………………………….............................................................................16

Love and the Blow-Up Doll …………….....................................................................................17

Monster Cock ……………………….……..………………........................................................19

My Clone ………………………………...……………...............................................................20

Poor Barbie ……………………….….…………………............................................................21

Sex with the Invisible Man …………..........................................................................................22

The Invisible Man the Next Day …..............................................................................................24

Size Queen ……………………………………………................................................................25

Super Queer …………………………………………….............................................................26

The Comedy Club ……….………………....................................................................................27

The Eighth Dwarf …………………………………………………............................................28

The Jeff Stryker Dildo …………………………………………………......................................29

The New Plague …………………………………………………...............................................30

The Power of the Penis …………………………………………………....................................31

The Pussy Boy Workout …………………………………………………...................................32

The Sorrows of Being Hung ……………………………….....………………….......................33

Wedding Bell Blues …………………………………………….....…….....................................37

Where Are These Guys Coming From? ………………………….....…………………….........38

Dick Rehab ………………………………………………….......................................................39

Conversations by the Coffin …………………………………………….....…….......................40

My Affair with Duct Tape …………………………………………………................................42

Objects Have Feelings Too …………………………………………………..............................44

The Emergency Room …………………………………………………......................................46

Dear Alcoholic …………………………………………………..................................................47

CHAPTER 2 SEX and DATING…………………………………………...............................48

Will Suck Dick for Food …………………………………………………..................................49

Horror Dates …………………………………………....………................................................51

Sex Fifth Avenue ……………………………………….....………….........................................53

CHAPTER 3 EX-LOVERS………………………....…………………................……54

A Peek with my Ex …………………………………………….……..........................................55

Boys will be Boys ……………………………………………….….............................................56

Happy Birthday, Andrei ………………………………………….………..................................57

I Love You, Andrei ……………………………………………….…..........................................58

The Red Carpet ………………………………………………….................................................59

CHAPTER 4 PERSONALS……………………………….…….....................……….61

Ax Murder Seeks Short Term Relationship ………………………...………………….........…62

The Monkey Tattoo …………………………………………………..........................................63

CHAPTER 5 REFLECTIONS…………………………………......................……….64

Shadows Don’t Cry …………………………………………………..........................................65

My Fag Hag .………………………………………………........................................................66

Is Stats All There Is …………………………………………………..........................................67

NYPD Blew ………………………………………………...........................................................68

CHAPTER 6 TWISTED CHARLIE…….......................……….…………………….70

Twisted Charlie …………………………………………………................................................71

Twisted Charlie and the Toy Chest ……………………………….....…………………............72

Twisted Charlie Comes Back …………………………………………..….……........................74

A Twisted Charlie Christmas ……………………………………………....…….......................76

Twisted Charlie is a Bastard ……………………………………………….....….......................77

Twisted Charlie Gets a Lesson ………………………………………………...….....................78

Twisted Charlie Gets Committed ……………………………………………..…...…................80

Twisted Charlie Gets to Go Home ……………………………………………..…..…...............81

Twisted Charlie Back to Normal ………………………………………………...…..................82

Twisted Charlie Falls in Love …………………………………………………..........................83

Twisted Charlie Gets Burned …………………………………………………...........................84

Twisted Charlie on Trial …………………………………………………..................................85

Twisted Charlie Walks Free …………………………………………………............................86

Twisted Charlie Speaks …………………………………………………....................................87

CHAPTER 7 FAMILY…………………………………………………..................….88

Before My Father Died …………………………………………………....................................89

A Living Nightmare ………………………………………………….........................................90

Divorcing Myself …………………………………………………..............................................91

A Piece of Cake …………………………………………………................................................92

Mother’s Day …………………………………………………....................................................93

Ten Things My Father Should’ve Invented ……………………………………………............94

Dear Michael …………………………………………………....................................................96

About the Author…………………………………………….......................................................97

CHAPTER 1

COMEDY

Wife Busters

After the honeymoon, did your wife start acting like the missionary position was stretching the bounds of sexual activity and that blow jobs were reserved for those times when you have a diamond ring hanging off the tip of your dick? Do you now find yourself feeling like a wallet with a hard-on at home, where every romantic evening seems to require a new dress and a new pair of shoes with matching accessories? Has it gotten to the point where you have to pop a couple of Viagra pills just to be able to roll over on the wife that’s become nothing more than a wet sack of wheat who snores? Have you started to notice that now your wife even says she has a headache, even though you were just scratching your balls?

Well, there’s finally some good news:

Frankly, the best blow job you ever had doesn’t have to be from your college days that took place in the backseat of a car performed by the ugliest girl on campus that turned out to be the school quarterback.

At WIFE BUSTERS, the experience of having a slut, whore, tramp, like the ones you’ve always wished your wife would be in bed, is finally here.

At WIFE BUSTERS, we have a dedicated staff (well, just me so far) that’s here to serve the needs of men who are taken for granted at home. You remember all those straight porno movies you’ve seen where the women were nothing more than props there to serve the needs of the man and his almighty orgasm? Well, at Wife Busters, we want to make that a reality for you.

At WIFE BUSTERS, we love what we do and it shows. We just don’t just suck and fuck like a $10.00 crack whore in need of her next fix. All of our staff have gone through rigorous training and have learned to satisfy even the most jaded of men.

At WIFE BUSTERS, we hear over and over again, I don’t know why I didn’t send that bitch packing a long time ago. So isn’t it time you sent yours back home crying to mom? In fact, if you’re not completely satisfied with the performance from any member of our staff, then feel free to shoot a load all over his face on us.

So don’t tolerate someone who opens their mouth to suck with the same enthusiasm they have while sitting in a dentist chair before a root canal. In addition, the only headaches the professionals here at WIFE BUSTERS ever get are from having their heads bang against the wall while you fuck the shit out of them. Plus, now all those sagging holes from too many years of natural childbirth will be a thing of the past and you can finally get to enjoy someone who’ll beg just for the honor of pulling down your zipper with their teeth.

At WIFE BUSTERS, we can honestly say that after just one session with us, you’ll be ready to do something only a handful of married men have ever dared to do. At your wife’s next annual Give Him a Pity Fuck night, you’ll finally be able to say:

FINGER IT BITCH!

Homos are standing by to take your calls. For a limited time only, our first 10,000,000 customers will be served free of charge.

CURRENT SPECIAL:

If you’re really HUNG, then ask about our free lifetime supply of dick worship.

WARNING! If you have a history of heart problems or erections that never last any longer than a minute, please consult your doctor.

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS:

Sex at Wife Busters may be addicting. You may experience frequent urges to leave your wife. Plus, a small group have reported coming out of closet after using WIFE BUSTERS.

THE FINE PRINT:

No WIFE BUSTERS staff member is allowed to move in with or marry a client without the expressed written authorization from WIFE BUSTERS.

Here are some actual quotes from some of our satisfied customers:

Hey, this gay shit isn’t so bad.

Once I got past the fact he had a cock and balls between his legs, it felt like I was fucking one of those models right off the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue.

After just one blow job at WIFE BUSTERS, my blow-up doll went right into the trash.

It was magical the way he made my entire banana disappear down his throat.

I used to think I was a selfish, self-centered pig in bed. Now I know that I am, but it’s okay.

There’s no small talk, drinks, candlelight dinner, or long walks on the beach. You just get straight to the good stuff.

So call WIFE BUSTERS now!

Trophy Boys

Once in a blue moon, what can only be called a Trophy Boy walks into your life. He has such stunning good looks and chiseled features that had Michelangelo seen him, he would have taken a hammer to the statue of David and started from scratch.

The ones I’m talking about are the type David Geffen would kill for. In fact, if he ever met one of those guys, his hand would get tired of writing all the zeros on the check he’d be handing over. Men don’t just fall on their knees when they see him. They make sure they’re holding their wallets out. The really smart ones then ask, Will you need my checkbook, too? Oh, and by the way, I was going to throw away all these credit cards. Why don’t you take them?

If you’re still thinking rationally, after seeing one of these guys, if you’re lucky enough to get him to take his briefs off, you start to fear the very real possibility of a major heart attack. Then once those chest pains start, you’ll hear yourself saying Oh my God! Just let me live long enough to see it cream! Yep, that’s what you’ll say even though that left arm is starting to go numb.

He’s the kind of guy that no one ever believes that they can actually make it with. Most will just be satisfied sniffing the toilet seat in the bathroom stall this guy just walked out of. No