The Trouble with Bricks

By Derek Elkins

The siblings have their lives turned inside out when an overweight fairy appears and shoots them to a different world: a world of underwear trees, rivers of lard, and into the pages of The Trouble with Bricks. Once there, they are befriended by a leprechaun hunter named Frank, a sasquatch named Melvin, and Frank's Colon, an organ with arms, legs and a serious attitude problem.
Suzie and Cleotus learn that the only chance to return to their world is to seek the wisdom of the mysterious and enchanted Mr. Wilson, CPA. The wizardly accountant points the way to a path that is fraught with danger and annoying trials. But behind each obstacle lies the malevolent presence of Bricks, evil jazz player and deranged lunatic. As they progress through this unwholesome and repulsive world, braving the Blue Toupee Forest, triumphing past the Three Trials, eating the famed tacos of Hooja’s Magical Oasis, they get closer and closer to their goal and further from any sense of normalcy.
This parody of fantasy novels is loaded with humor, odd characters and unusual situations that is a mix of Alice in Wonderland, The Wizard of Oz, and Monty Python.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Bard and Book
• Release date: May 29, 2012
• ISBN: 9781476055602

Derek Elkins

Award winning author Derek Elkins is also a member of the Bard and Book author community at www.bardandbook.com.

Book preview

Travels Through the Land of the Misbegotten Woe

presents

The Trouble with Bricks

by Derek Elkins

Smashwords Edition

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Read more from Derek Elkins at www.bardandbook.com

Copyright Derek Elkins 2012. All Rights Reserved

Published by Bard and Book Publishing

Website: www.bardandbook.com

Cover by Julius Broqueza.

Table of Contents

Chapter One – The Revenge of the Return of the Mint Juno Fairy

Chapter Two – The Diabolical Embrace of Frank Sparks

Chapter Three – Evil Circus, Part Five

Chapter Four – I Was a Teenage Melvin

Chapter Five – Sock Monkeys in the Blue Toupee Jungle of Death

Chapter Six – Cleotus in the Forest of Insanity

Chapter Seven – The Mysterious Passion of the Crusty Hermit

Chapter Eight – The Three Trials of Mr. Wilson, CPA

Chapter Nine – An Accountant, a Quest, and a Sock Full of Trouble

Chapter Ten – Curse of the Blood-Thirsty Taco Salesman

Chapter Eleven – Into the Valley of Darkness with No Clue

Chapter Twelve – A song, A Dance, and a Melvin with No Pants

Chapter Thirteen - Death Approaches Like a Constipated Snail

Chapter Fourteen – An Ace in the Hole

Chapter Fifteen – Melvin’s Quest

Chapter One – The Revenge of the Return of the Mint Juno Fairy

This story starts at a garage sale down the street. Actually, it started a very long time before that, but we don’t have to get into that now because it would just complicate matters and matters are quite complicated enough on their own. Just ask Frank’s Colon.

It was a typical garage sale. Not a lot of old lady knick-knacks though because the man running the garage sale wasn’t an old lady. He was more of a mad scientist type. He had the crazy hair and he wore suspenders for some reason. He probably didn’t even know why he wore suspenders. He was too busy thinking of new inventions to make, like butter slices.

As fate would have it, down that very street on the very day of the garage sale, came the Phipps Triplets, with pockets bursting with new allowance money. Now, the crazy thing about the Phipps Triplets is that they weren’t really triplets. In fact, there was really only two of them: Cleotus and Suzie Phipps. And they weren’t twins either. It was one of those idiotic nicknames that people get called, like calling a big guy Tiny or a bald guy Harry or a one-armed podiatrist Stinky.

And up the street came Cleotus and Suzie with around five bucks apiece in their pockets. Originally, they weren’t planning on stopping at the garage sale. Cleotus wanted to go to the nearest gas station and buy five dollars worth of cream cheese and Suzie was going to spend hers on the newest issue of Large Duck Hunters Monthly. But fate had other plans: big, scary, excessively-annoying plans.

As they strolled innocently past the garage sale, Cleotus happened to spy on the sheet-covered ping pong table, amidst all the junk and glass, what looked suspiciously like a blender covered in shiny jewels. This was exactly what it was and more.

As soon as his eye caught sight of that exotic and gaudy artifice, Cleotus knew he wanted it, maybe even more than he wanted that cream cheese. Maybe just a little bit more.

Hey Suz, cried Cleotus. Look at that thing.

Suzie stopped suddenly and peered at the table. What thing?

That big shiny doo-dad in them middle. I wonder what it does.

Who cares, answered Suzie as she began to walk away.

She was stopped abruptly by the meaty left arm of Cleotus. I wanna take a look. It might be something.

Yeah, answered Suzie. Something like trash.

But Cleotus ignored her, which he often did, and approached the table. There it lay, smack dab between a ceramic poodle and a toilet brush, looking like the award for best actor in a situational comedy. Gently, he lifted his hands toward it, almost afraid to touch it.

Suddenly, a shadow darkened the table. Cleotus turned to find a pudgy man with crazy hair standing beside him.

So, let out Phil, like a tea kettle expelling its unwholesome juices, I see ya got an eye on my rift transducer. That’s quite a keen eye ya got there, young fella.

Cleotus could only nod like a moron as Phil continued.

Why, back in my day, I’d be a lucky fella if I found one of these babies in a garage sale. Of course, it doesn’t work. If it did, I wouldn’t be selling it. Phil laughed and slapped Cleotus on the back, causing the boy to choke on his spit. But I can see you’ve got an eye for the unknown, an eye that appreciates the maniacal in life. I could use an assistant like you. Have you ever thought about getting a hunchback? It’s really a simple operation.

Just then, a second shadow fell across the table, revealing the arrival of Suzie. Cleotus, what are you doing? Are we going to the store or not?

Cleotus, for a moment, was torn between his desire for cream cheese and his desire for the rift transducer. He gave in to the immediate.

How much do you want for it? He asked sheepishly.

Phil pondered for a moment. Well, young man, that’s a fine question. One I would expect from a future hunchbacked assistant such as yourself. Brand new, this Rift Transducer retails for seven hundred dollars. You could find it in the hardware section or maybe in electronics. But…seeing as how it’s broken and really not worth the rhinestones I glued onto it, I’ll let it go for, uh…How much did you say you had on you?

Five bucks, Cleotus offered.

Well, it’s a bargain at any price. And I mean that. I’ll let you take this beauty home today for the low, low price of twenty, no, make that five dollars.

Excitedly, Cleotus plucked the five dollar bill out of his pocket and waived it in front of Phil’s face. Why, I’ve got five dollars!

You’re even luckier than I thought, answered Phil. Quickly, Phil’s hand snaked down and captured the five-dollar bill like a cat eating a slow and slightly deranged gerbil.

Greedily, Cleotus reached out and clutched the Rift Transducer to his puffy chest and began to exit the driveway. He was stopped abruptly.

Wait, cried Phil. I must warn you that the Rift Transducer comes with a mighty curse. It’s a terrible curse that could remain with you for as long as you live. It’s so hideous that I am literally frightening myself right now just thinking about telling you about it.

Well, what is? Cleotus cried out.

Hesitantly, Phil answered. Unfortunately, it was printed on the instruction manual that I lost a long time ago.

Then why tell us about it? Suzie replied. That’s just a waste of time.

Geez, said Phil. I just thought I’d warn you. As Phil turned to go, Suzie could hear him mutter, Dad gum kids. Never have any respect for their elders.

Suzie grabbed Cleotus’ arm and escorted him off the lot.

* * *

Once at the store, Cleotus hid behind the dumpster as Suzie went inside to buy her magazine.

Cleotus, being the simple-minded goof that he was, was instantly hypnotized by the shiny apparatus. Every which way he turned it, the light reflected back into his eyes, making his head hurt. It was like getting an ice cream headache while being trapped in a tanning booth.

As he sat, entranced by the Rift Transducer, Cleotus failed to notice the approach of the scariest, ugliest, most annoying bully his neighborhood had to offer until it was too late.

Hey dummy head! shouted Reginald. Whatcha looking at? As he talked, spit seemed to slosh out of his mouth like a mug filled with too much kool-aid.

Reginald was wearing torn up jeans and a shirt, cut in half, that said Flarg in large blood-red lettering. What Flarg really meant, no one knew, and you didn’t really want to ask Reginald unless you enjoyed the sight of your own blood outside of your body.

Hey, big dummy, yelled Reginald when he had received no response. I asked you a question. Are you gonna answer or are you too dumb?

Maybe he’s too smart to answer, replied Suzie, who had just walked up.

Dwha?! Reginald replied at his usual expressive best.

For whatever reason, Suzie was the only kid in the neighborhood not scared of Reginald. But, oddly enough, Reginald was slightly afraid of her.

Three summers ago, Suzie had wandered upon young Reginald, only slightly less large at that time, in a clearing in the nearby woods. What she had found him doing, she never told anyone, but she did reveal years later to Cleotus that it involved shaving cream, a rubber ducky, and three pounds of nails. When pressed for additional details, she would usually begin to shudder. Sometimes, she cried in her sleep.

Why don’t you mind your own business, Suzie? said Reginald. This is between me and your brother.

Oh yeah, retorted Suzie.

Yeah. Reginald fired back.

It was then that Cleotus pushed the button.

Now, Phil, the mad inventor was crazy. That’s true. But he was also absent-minded and what that means is that he forgot that the Rift Transducer actually worked. It worked once before, immediately after being created and opened a rift in the space-time continuum that deposited a rather large cockroach directly into Phil’s toilet. He discovered the cockroach later during his nightly constitutional.

As soon as Cleotus flicked the button, mysteriously labeled On, a loud buzzing noise, like a thousand angry bees trapped in a large nostril, erupted from the device and a large blue cloud materialized above their heads. Lightning flashed from out of the cloud, striking the dumpster, a stray cat, and Reginald’s left shoe, in that order. And then, from out of the cloud, dropped Phlegmina, the Mint Juno Fairy.

Now, Phlegmina was a little large for a fairy, a fact, you can be sure, was fully exploited by the other fairies in her graduating class. Her skin, hair, fingernails and toenails were completely green. She was adorned in a dress of shimmering tin foil and a crown forged entirely out of carrots and straight pins lay on her noggin. Big black boots covered her feet, which hung precisely three feet off the ground. Oh, and she had wings.

Phlegmina, who had been watering daisies in her garden on the outskirts of Whizzles and Flipskins, was angry, bewildered and surprised to say the least. She was also slightly gassy.

Oh my, she exclaimed upon first seeing Cleotus and Suzie, You’re awful big to be a Snidehorn. Are you a blue truffle Snidehorn or a whimsical joe Snidehorn?

While Cleotus looked on, Suzie attempted a reply. Are you a fairy?

Why, of course, my dear. I am Phlegmina, the Mint Juno Fairy. I was in my garden just a moment before when this awful blue cloud appeared, sucked me up and deposited me in this enchanted land. She took a moment to glance around at the dumpster and the trash scattered around the ground. And oh, what a dirty enchanted land you have!

Behind the fairy, Reginald had gone completely unnoticed. He took full advantage of this fact to try and sneak up and pull her wings off. The crunching of his tennis shoes on broken glass, however, alerted Phlegmina to her immediate peril. She turned quickly, waved her hand, said the magic words Skippy O and abruptly Reginald disappeared.

Now, Phlegmina began,