Off The Mark

By Bernard Doove and Jeff Hartt

Mark Wells was a klutz but even he did not expect the acquisition of a new mirror would cause him to literally fall into a different world. Even if he had, becoming a green pegasus would have seemed the height of ridiculousness. Now, the former human has to learn how to be a pony even as he seeks a way back home. Maybe the Great and Powerful Princess Trixie can help him? Then again, it seems that she might need his help even more!

As time passes, Mark learns more about his new home, makes some special friends, and falls down. A lot. Along the way, magic shapes both him and events that shake the very nation. Is he destined to be Equestria's most unlikely new hero?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Bernard Doove
• Release date: May 17, 2020
• ISBN: 9780463679630

Bernard Doove

I was born and bred in a suburb of Melbourne, Australia. I've always been a voracious reader, but I rarely wrote anything until I discovered the anthropomorphic (furry) fandom. Nowadays I am involved in many aspects of that fandom, including participating in conventions both locally and internationally. I have an orange tabby named Romulus who tries to make it difficult for me to write, but he purrs a lot while doing so, so I forgive him.

Book preview

Foreword

Hello, all.  When Bernard Doove, aka Goldfur, told me he was going to list me as the co-author of Off The Mark, I was completely gob-smacked.  Who, me?

First of all, I am eternally grateful to Goldfur for introducing me to MLP Fandom and FimFiction in particular.  I followed him there from his Chakat Universe stories which I had enjoyed for many years.  His fiction resonates with my heart and mind in ways that no other author has matched.

Goldfur has always been nothing but an appreciative gentleman when responding to my comments.  Perhaps annoyed at the sheer number of corrections and suggestions I would make, eventually, Goldfur decided to let me become his pre-reader for each chapter before it was published.  Before I knew it, I was offering and authoring different approaches to situations, submitting paragraphs which would occasionally see print, then for Cosmic Lotus, writing the entirety of a couple of scenes.

All that paled in comparison to my reaction to Off The Mark.  The original characters and storyline he created struck a chord with my muse.  After writing more fiction in the first several chapters than I had in my previous lifetime, I declared to Goldfur that he had changed me from an outline to a discovery writer.  Hallelujah! he replied.

Again, my sincerest thanks to Goldfur for his generosity and guidance through this, my first foray into the world of storytelling.  My thanks also to you, the reader, who is willing to make our efforts worthy of your physical or electronic bookshelf.

As chakats would say, Tail High!

Jeff Hartt, aka Airy Words

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Psst! Don’t tell Jeff that I just got lazy and made him do half the writing! =^_^=

Bernard Doove, aka Goldfur

1: A Stumble Too Far

Nice going, Captain Klutz, my best friend said as he chuckled at my misfortune.

I sighed as I hauled myself out of the mud puddle with a helping hand from Phil. "I just want to know why these things happen to me and not to you. You’ve hauled on that rope just as many times as I have, but it had to break for me."

Phil shrugged. What can I say, Mark? You’re the designated fall-guy of this duo.

As much as I hated to admit it, he was right. Even when I did everything right, if something went wrong, it was always me who copped the consequences.

Go wash up – I’ll finish breaking camp, Phil said.

I nodded and headed for the lake shore. The overnight thunderstorm had been spectacular, but it had made a bit of a mess of our campsite, not to mention creating that mud puddle that I just got acquainted with. However, the weather was warm and I had no hesitation in stripping off my clothes and taking a quick dip to clean myself off. I rinsed off and wrung out my attire too and then took a few minutes to just enjoy a last swim in the lake. Phil would have to pay for laughing at me – best friend or not.

Of course, I found out that Phil had packed my belongings in the car already, so I had to put up with the sodden clothes until I dried out.

With the campsite fully cleared and everything loaded, we started our journey home. We were in no rush, so we took some less well-travelled roads which passed through some small towns. That’s where Phil spotted the shop. I sighed as I pulled over to park.

I hate antique stores. Some of the most boring hours of my life have been spent at one or another. If I had my preference, I would never set foot in one again. But I knew I would; I was about to do so right now. I grumbled, Haven’t you given up yet on finding that matching plate, Phil?

Nope. Someone somewhere has got to have one, and when I find it, I’ll have a complete set of one of the rarest collections in the world. It’ll be worth a mint!

I groaned. You always say that – did you think I’d be enthused this time?

Phil gave me a playful jab in the ribs with his elbow. Aw! You know you love it, Mark.

No – I really don’t, and I can’t understand why you don’t believe me.

Then why do you always come with me?

Why indeed? Phil and I had grown up together and had been lifelong best friends. We did almost everything together, shared the same interests, and went to each other’s family gatherings because we were that close. But Phil had developed a keen interest a couple of years ago in collecting rare antiques, much to my bewilderment. However, while I did not share my friend’s enthusiasm for this one exception to our perfect match, I always supported everything else Phil did, and this was not going to be an exception.

I rolled my eyes. Let’s just get this over with, okay? I said in my best long-suffering tone.

Phil grinned and said, I’ll try to make it quick. Have a look around while I’m busy and see if you like anything.

Have I ever?

First time for everything!

Phil led the way into the shop, a bell tinkling as the door opened. As I already knew it would be, the store was filled with the usual mixture of useless, ancient, or tasteless bric-a-brac that left my mind numb just looking at it. There was the occasional piece that I recognized might actually appeal to someone, with an optimistically high price attached. While Phil sought out the inevitably geriatric proprietor of the shop, I wended my way through the narrow aisles in the hope of finding something that would help me stave off catatonia while my pal was busy.

I was stifling yawns already before movement caught my eye. A moment later, I realized that the movement was merely a reflection of myself in a mirror. It was a free-standing full-length one, and I paused to look at myself in it. A young adult Caucasian looked back at me; unkempt blond hair and a scruffy beard from days of not shaving while camping hardly detracting from my appearance. However, even I had to admit that my clothes could stand a good laundering despite my earlier attempts to clean them. I was still checking myself out when Phil reunited with me.

Found something that you like for once? Phil asked.

I almost automatically said no, but then I paused. I had been in the market for a good full-length mirror, and although I’d had in mind something a bit more modern to mount on a wall, I certainly had the room for something like this. I gave it a good look over and saw that it was in very good condition with a sturdy wooden frame that had been ornately carved. The top corners even had extra details featuring creatures, one that I recognized as a unicorn, while I was unsure of the other.

What’s that? I asked Phil, pointing at the carving.

Hmm? Looks like Pegasus to me.

And what’s a Pegasus?

It’s a winged horse from Greek mythology. I gotta admit that it’s a rather odd thing to find on a mirror though. Are you interested in it? Phil asked hopefully.

I glanced at the price tag and frowned. Costs too much, I replied with a shake of my head.

Tell you what – I’ll spring for half the cost if you buy it.

I stared at my friend in surprise. Why?

Phil grinned broadly. So that I can finally get you to stop saying that you never find anything useful in these stores.

I groaned. But complaining is the only fun I get out of these visits. I gave a resigned sigh. Okay – I give in. At half the price, it’s a good buy, and it’ll save me trying to find another later. Thanks, Phil.

The shopkeeper was delighted to make a sale after the initial disappointment of not being able to provide Phil with what he sought. It took both of us to get it into my pickup truck and safely lashed down on top of the camping gear. Then we continued on our journey home.

Phil lived only a block away from me, and after dropping off his bags, we continued to my house and we were very soon backing into my garage. We unloaded the mirror and took it into my bedroom where we put it into an empty corner. Then we unloaded the camping gear and stowed it away properly until it was needed once more. With the work completed, we took a couple of cans of beer from the fridge and toasted a successful and enjoyable outing. We took our drinks out onto the deck and sat down to enjoy them in the warm, late afternoon air. The thunderstorm that had marred our trip was a distant memory, and the sky was cloudless once more. The sun was setting behind the house, keeping us pleasantly shaded as we drank in companionable silence, and a yellow full moon started to peek over the horizon.

Blue Moon tonight, Phil commented.

Hmm? What?

Second full moon in a month, Phil clarified.

Oh? That’s right. That’s pretty rare, isn’t it?

Yep. Spectacular one tonight.

I nodded, admiring how it appeared to be so large when it was sitting on the horizon.

With the moon fully risen and our beers drunk, Phil bade me goodnight and headed home, walking the short distance down the block. Meanwhile, I headed to the shower to clean off the grime accumulated while communing with nature. I dumped my dirty clothes in the laundry basket and then enjoyed a lengthy hot shower. Finally satisfied that I was as clean and relaxed as I would ever get, I stepped out of the shower and toweled myself dry before walking into my bedroom, still nude. I immediately noticed my reflection in my new mirror and chuckled.

First thing you do with the mirror is admire your bod, I scolded myself. Nevertheless, I knew I was a fairly well-built and handsome male – not gorgeously so, but I had yet to be concerned about how I might look to a potential girlfriend. Not that I’d had much time for one yet; I was too busy enjoying being a single unattached male. Plenty of time yet before thinking of settling down with someone who hopefully enjoyed much of what Phil and I liked to do. No drastic life-changing decisions for me!

The mirror seemed to shimmer for a moment and my curiosity was aroused. The light of the moon that was coming through the bedroom window seemed to add a slight glow to my appearance in the mirror, and I wondered how it did that. I reached out to push it a little to swivel it on its pins to adjust the angle, but my hand failed to touch the glass. Startled as my hand seemed to pass through its surface, I dropped the towel that had been in my other hand, stumbled as my feet got tangled as I lurched off balance, and I pitched forward towards the mirror. This time, more than just my hand failed to find the cool glass. Without anything to stop me, I toppled through the frame of the mirror into pitch blackness.

My fall was barely broken by my arms, but my nose still smashed hard against the cold floor. The blinding pain distracted me for a long moment from the fact that it was stone or tile rather than the wood of my bedroom floor. Not that I could confirm that fact because there was not an iota of light to illuminate the room. I reached up with my right hand to touch my abused nose to try to feel if it was broken, only to bash it with something hard that sent another pulse of agony through it. When the pain waned enough for me to think straight, I wondered what the hell had just happened. I lifted my hand again but noticed this time how odd that seemed. Then I realized that I could not feel my fingers. I tried to flex them and nothing happened. I shifted my position on the floor to reach out with my left hand to check out the other, only to sense the same lack of sensation. As soon as left connected with right, there was a clack that made no sense whatsoever, and a total lack of the expected feeling.

I began to panic, wondering if I had injured far more than my nose in the fall, and I struggled to climb to my feet. Nothing felt right though, and my balance was shot. I fell over, crashing into something which toppled along with me. There was the sound of splintering wood and shattering glass, and I lay still for a moment because I was worried that I might cut myself on whatever I had just broken. Then I carefully tried to get onto all fours, worried that I still felt weird and could not feel my feet properly either. At least I could still move, but my balance seemed all wrong. A second attempt to stand upright had the same disastrous result, but this time I felt a bizarre twitching on my back as I struggled to stay steady on two legs, and part of me collided with another unseen object with the same smashing consequences. This time, however, it sounded like it hit something along the way and brought whatever it was down with it.

It was too much for me. I was blind, injured, insensate in my hands, and incapable of even standing up, and I screamed my frustration. "What the fuck is going on?!" Hell – even my voice sounded odd.

After a few moments, there was the sound of a key turning in a lock followed by a blinding shaft of light coming through an opening door. Through squinting eyes, I saw some animal silhouetted against the light as it entered the doorway.

"Who goes there?!"

The voice seemed to be coming from the animal, but I presumed it was someone behind it. As the door opened wider to illuminate the room better and my eyes adjusted, I saw that it was a small equine creature dressed in armor. I wondered about that but responded to whoever had made the demand.

I need help. Something has happened to me, and I don’t know what’s going on.

The equine stepped closer and a horn on its head that I had not noticed earlier started glowing. A short spear that had been attached to the armor floated free enveloped in the same glow as the horn, and it shifted to point directly at me.

Who are you and what are you doing in this high-security room? How did you get past the guards?

It talked! There was no hidden speaker unless he was a great ventriloquist. I stared in numb shock.

In the name of the Magnificent and Powerful Empress Trixie, I order you to answer me! the creature said irritably, moving the point of his spear closer to my face.

I held up my hands in surrender as I protested, Peace! I don’t know… what… My voice trailed off as I stared at what should have been hands, but I saw two hooves instead. My arms were covered in fur too – light green fur! I suddenly became aware that I could also see my battered nose prominently protruding into my field of vision. With a creeping sense of dread, I turned my head to look at the rest of me and saw a body that was similar to the creature threatening me except with the addition of a pair of wings. I looked back at what had to be a guard and recognized him as a unicorn, just as I now appeared to be a Pegasus like in the mirror carvings. My last thought as my brain checked out was – ‘Green is a stupid color for a horse.’

I awoke in a hospital bed. Anyone who has ever been in one as often as I had will recognize it for what it was irrespective of what country you visit. My hope that my memory of having hooves and green fur was a hallucination was quickly dashed as I struggled to sit up. Pushing the bed sheet off me, I got a really good look at myself. Aside from some bandages that had been applied to various parts of my body, I was still naked. Still male, all too obviously. Odd proportions for the rest of my new form too, and that shade of green simply did not exist on equines. Too small for a horse – maybe a pony would be more accurate. And those wings! Without even knowing how I did so, I spread one, noting several disheveled feathers. It was too surreal, so why was I so calm about it? Oh wait – I wasn’t.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

My scream brought a quick response. Two ponies rushed into the room – a doctor and a nurse, apparently. How did I know that? Because the stallion was wearing a doctor’s white coat with a stethoscope about his neck, and the mare was wearing a nurse’s uniform. I stared at them, wondering what a pony was doing wearing clothes at all, let alone something so familiar that I could tell right away what they were.

The doctor looked at me with concern. Please calm down, sir. Are you in pain?

Of course they talked too. I gave up – I had to be in a coma and hallucinating this. Might as well play along. Where am I?

Canterlot Hospital. The Royal Guard brought you in last night. You were badly lacerated in places and had several contusions, but you’re basically in good health. May I ask your name?

Mark Wells, and where’s Canterlot?

The nurse looked shocked. You don’t remember the capital of Equestria? she blurted out.

Perhaps some memory loss due to a blow to the head, opined the doctor. Let me examine you now that you’re awake. Nurse – the Royal Guard wished to be informed when this pony regained consciousness. Please do so.

Yes, Doctor.

The mare exited and the doctor’s horn started to glow. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that he was another unicorn, although the mare had lacked both horn and wings. I wondered how she got dressed, but that thought was soon pushed away as I gazed at an optical device that was levitated in front of my face, surrounded by the same color glow as the horn. The doctor used it to peer in my eyes, humming thoughtfully as he did so. Then he asked me to open my mouth and he peered within, followed by an examination of my ears. The stethoscope was also put to use as the doctor gave me a thorough check-up, including the new feathery appendages. If it wasn’t so impossible, it would have been terribly normal.

The doctor drew back and said, Aside from your superficial wounds, I can’t find anything wrong with you.

That’s good to hear, came a new voice.

I looked over to the doorway to see a pony in armor like the one that I first saw. He entered the room and gazed sternly at the doctor.

I require that you release this pony into my custody immediately.

I’d prefer that he stay overnight.

Her Highness wishes to talk to this stallion immediately, and you have just said that he is in satisfactory health.

Very well, I will allow it. See the nurse on your way to sign him out.

The soldier gestured to me. Get up and follow me.

Haven’t you forgotten something? I asked.

What do you mean?

How about some clothes?

He stared at me as if I was crazy. You are going to be questioned, not attend a royal tea party. You don’t need to get dressed. Now follow me.

I wondered why I was so suddenly concerned about clothing on ponies, but with every other one that I had seen so far at least wearing a coat or shirt, I was feeling a bit naked. Nevertheless, I tried to follow. I practically fell out of bed as I attempted to get to my feet. Oh yeah – four legs. No wonder I kept falling over when I tried to stand up. I attempted to shuffle forward and planted my poor nose in the floor once more as my body got confused as to which of my four legs to move first. I ignored the soldier’s expression and pretended that I was just slightly dizzy. Firmly focusing my efforts, I managed to start walking fairly steadily, highly aware of my hooves clacking on the hardwood floor. I was led down the corridor and stopped at the nurse’s station where the soldier signed me out before we continued outside.

A carriage awaited, two ponies in armor apparently serving to pull it. Ponies pulling ponies? Sure! Why not? This hallucination didn’t have to make sense, after all. I was urged into the carriage which I managed without making a fool of myself again, and my guard sat down opposite me. Without a word, the two-horsepower vehicle lurched forward. I quickly forgot about it as we drew out into the street and I got a good look at the neighborhood. My jaw dropped as I saw dozens of ponies of all hues and types going about their business in what looked like some fantasy theme park city. Unicorns were common, but it was the Pegasus ponies that left me gaping. They were actually flying! I may not know much about aerodynamics, but even I knew that you can’t stick wings on a horse and expect it to fly! They are just too heavy and the wings too small to provide sufficient lift. But there they were, cavorting in the sky with total disdain for physics. I half-spread my own wings and shuddered at the thought of being in mid-air without any means of support besides those tiny appendages.

Do not try to fly away, the guard warned me.

I shook my head. Believe me – I have neither the intention nor the ability to do so.

He frowned slightly in confusion at that answer but seemed satisfied that I wasn’t about to flee.

I ignored him while I took in the scenery. For a hallucination, this was way too detailed. I didn’t even recognize some of the aspects of this odd city and I didn’t think that my imagination was this good. For the first time, I started to reconsider my self-diagnosis. Then I caught sight of the palace.

Whoa! What’s that? I asked my guard.

He gave me a funny look before replying, Canterlot Palace – the same place we caught you intruding last night.

What? How the hell did I end up there?

That’s what you have to explain to her Highness, the guard replied before clamming up.

I didn’t bother trying to get more out of him because I was too overwhelmed by what I was seeing. I gaped in awe at the beautiful structure with its gravity-defying towers. Then we pulled into a courtyard and the carriage came to a stop.

Get out.

Terse and to the point. I was disinclined to argue with the pony with the pointy pike and I quickly moved to obey. Let me say in my defense that going down steps is a lot harder than going up them. My nose was probably beginning to resemble a pug’s by now. The unsympathetic guard merely hauled me to my feet… I mean my hooves… and herded me inside. The inside of the palace was just as impressive as the outside, and I have to say that I loved the stained glass windows.

While I wondered what they depicted, I had a feeling that the guard wasn’t about to enlighten me. We came to a pair of enormous doors flanked by another two unicorns in the same armor as my guide, and they challenged him as we approach.

Her Magnificence has ordered me to bring this intruder to her for questioning.

You are expected. Proceed, said one of the guards who opened one of the doors for us.

We entered what appeared to be a throne room, although it was not as well-lit as the rest of the palace had been. Long, thick curtains draped at least half of the room, with just a single spotlight focused on the dais with the lavish throne upon it. We came to a halt at the foot of the steps that led up to the empty throne and the guard rapped his spear on the floor.

I bring the prisoner as you ordered, O Magnificent and Marvelous Princess!

A shower of sparks and plumes of smoke rose from the base of the throne and a female voice boomed from within.

"I am the Great and Powerful Trixie, Duchess of Canterlot, Princess of Equestria, Queen of the Sun and the Moon, and Empress of the Equian Empire. Who are you? WHO ARE YOU?!"

Nice sound system you have in here, I replied, but I think you’re cribbing your lines from the Wizard of Oz.

More smoke and fireworks exploded, and the image of the head of a blue mare with a white and light blue mane appeared from within. Looking closely, I could see the tell-tale lines of the image being projected onto the smoke from the rear.

"Answer me, or suffer my wrath!"

Sorry – I just can’t take this too seriously. Mark Wells is my name, Your Blowhardiness.

The disembodied head looked as if she was going to explode before she turned her gaze to the guard and said, "Leave us!"

As you command, Your Mightiness. The guard then hastily exited.

As soon as the door shut, the image did explode, but only in a dazzling flash of light. When my vision cleared, the unicorn mare herself stood on the dais, her barrel draped in a purple cape emblazoned with stars. She glared at me and sneered a little.

Some ponies cannot appreciate Trixie’s true greatness. Nevertheless, you shall answer my questions, prisoner!

That was going to be a real trick considering that I had no idea what was going on. Sure – if you answer mine too.

Trixie frowned but continued. Why were you intruding in a security area of the palace, Marked Bell, and are you responsible for the disappearance of the alicorns?

Wait. What?!

# # # # # # # # #

2: Right Place, Right Time

What’s an alicorn and why the hell should I know anything about them?

The blue pony stared at me as if I was mad before replying. How do you not know of the alicorns? Everypony knows the rulers of Equestria are alicorns.

Still haven’t answered my question, pretty blue pony, I pointed out.

You think Trixie is pretty? she asked before shaking her head vigorously. Wait – Trixie is the one asking the questions, impertinent one! But if it helps diminish your ignorance, alicorns have both wings and horns.

Oh – like that stained glass picture of you that I passed. I peered more closely at her robe-covered body. That’s odd. I swear there aren’t any wings under that cape of yours.

Trixie was startled and then her eyes shifted nervously. Do not be so presumptuous of your Princess, peasant! Now, answer my question!

Between the magic special effects and her bluster, I began to recognize this mare for what she was. Nevertheless, she had the guards at her beck and call, so I decided to play along for the moment. I know nothing about your alicorns. In fact, I’ve never believed in fairytale kingdoms until now. All I know is that I fell into a mirror and suddenly I’m a pegasus.

Abruptly, Trixie was in my face. You came through a portal and were transformed? Perhaps you saw Celestia and Luna but in the form of the creatures from your world?

Not unless they were shopping for antiques.

Trixie blinked in confusion. Nay – the Princesses… er… Trixie’s fellow rulers left in great haste on a task of enormous importance, vowing to return promptly. Shopping is hardly the reason. Perhaps you missed them?

I don’t know what could be so important that would drag two magical ponies to my world, but I doubt I would miss it.

Nevertheless, the portal rarely opens and this is the first time since they left that we have had a hint of where they may be. …Uh… one moment… With another burst of light and smoke, she was gone, only to reappear a few seconds later in the same fashion. I would have been more impressed, but her hacking cough as she waved away the smoke kind of ruined the moment. I did notice that there were now lumps on either side of her barrel under her cape. Attend us, Mark Swell.

"That’s ‘Wells’," I corrected even as I followed the mare out of the throne room. The doors opened to her glowing horn, and the guards bowed as she passed.

This situation just seemed to be getting more bizarre every minute. This Trixie person was obviously in control for whatever reason, but she came across to me like a showpony – all bluster and razzle-dazzle. Did these ponies really fall for that routine in the throne room? And I was willing to bet a month’s salary that there weren’t any wings under her clothing, or at least not real ones like mine. Maybe they were ceremonial? Artificial wings put on at certain times to mark them as special? And why was she so worried about the alicorns’ return?

How long have the princesses been gone? I asked.

About two months, she answered absentmindedly. Then she shot a glance at me. "Stop asking Trixie questions! You are our prisoner, remember?"

Why am I a prisoner? I asked, ignoring her order.

You were found in a restricted area of the castle.

Not my fault that my new mirror turned out to be a doorway to another world. By the way, if we’re talking about alternate worlds, I might have a reason why your alicorns haven’t come back yet. I nearly crashed my nose into the mare’s rear end as she abruptly came to a halt to stare at me intensely.

Why have you not told Trixie this before?

Because I couldn’t possibly know until you answered my questions! I replied with a glare.

Trixie snorted and resumed trotting. I hastened to catch up, glad that I seemed to have finally got the rhythm of the leg movements.

Well? Are you going to explain to the Great and Intelligent Trixie your dubious theory?

Sure, why not? It’s not like I have anything better to do. But before I could begin, we came to a flight of stairs.

Trixie trotted down them without pause while I hesitated. She frowned at me from the bottom. Well, hurry up! Duchess Trixie values her time!

I poked my tongue out in concentration before giving myself a pep talk. ‘You can do this, Mark.’ Moments later, I was groaning in pain at the bottom of the stairs. Apparently, I couldn’t.

Trixie is most impressed with the speed with which you followed her command, but questions your people’s sanity if that is your usual mode of descent, she said.

She lit up her horn and levitated me back onto my hooves before continuing on without waiting to see if I had broken any bones. At least I didn’t land on my nose again. Everything else, maybe.

The Magnificent and Impatient Trixie is still waiting for your words, Spark Well.

"Mark Wells! I grated out as I tottered after her. Look – I’ve read enough science fiction to know that some parallel dimensions could have different rates at which time passes. Your missing alicorns may have only been in another world for an hour while two months passed here."

The mare looked thoughtful. Trixie finds your theory plausible. We shall have to try to test it.

We approached a doorway guarded by a lone unicorn. Although I did not get a good look at him before, I think it was the one that found me after I fell through the mirror.

Your Empress orders you to open the portal room! Trixie commanded imperiously.

The guard saluted before pulling out a set of oversized keys and using one to unlock the door. He turned on a light inside before we entered. Trixie pulled up with a gasp.

Turning to the guard, she said, Why wasn’t Trixie informed of the damage, Guard?

My deepest apologies, Your Excellence! I was busy with the intruder.

Now that I could see clearly, I observed that the room was filled with about twenty mirrors. They were of many different styles, some wall-mounted but most free-standing, but every one of them was full-length and apparently a potential doorway… except for the four that lay smashed on the floor. My stumbling around in the dark had managed to destroy them – shattered glass and twisted frames possibly ruining them forever.

Trixie rounded on me. Why did you do this?! Are you a saboteur sent to prevent the return of the Princesses?!

Don’t be so paranoid, lady! I fell into a pitch-dark room, tried to get onto my two legs and fell over a couple of times before your guard opened the door and let in some light.

She looked at me incredulously. Why were you trying to walk on two legs if you couldn’t see?

Because humans only have two, and I didn’t know that I had been turned into a pony!

She exchanged glares with me for a long moment before returning her gaze to the wreckage. Which was your mirror?

I looked hard at them all, especially the four broken ones, but I didn’t recognize any of them. None of these resembles the one that I have at home, but I suspect it’s one of those. I pointed a hoof at the two in the middle of the mayhem.

The mare sighed. The Mighty and Frustrated Trixie was afraid of that. We hope that you have not also broken the Princesses’ portal.

Why not?

Because if you did, like you, they won’t be going home again.

What do you mean? Can’t you repair them? You have the magic power to make them, so fix them!

The construction of portals is an arcane art known to few, but worse, they have to be anchored to an object at the destination. Once that link is broken, there is no way that I know of to find that particular world once more.

My eyes bulged and my ears flattened. I’m stuck here as a green horse?!

Pony. And yes, you are.

Oh, crap.

My legs felt shaky and weak. As I fell onto my rump, I heard Trixie start to chuckle. Then she started to laugh a touch hysterically.

What’s so funny? I asked surlily.

With a deer-in-the-headlights look on her face, she replied, The Awesome and Wise Trixie’s reign shall last forever!

Oh, great. I’m stuck in a crazy world with a nutcase in charge. And I think I sprained a wing. Joy.

With my host apparently having a meltdown, I eventually decided that both of us couldn’t afford that luxury. Sure – I was a ridiculously colored winged equine stranded in an alternate world perhaps for the rest of my life, but I was in good health (various recently acquired cuts and bruises excepted), and I was a resourceful kind of guy when I wasn’t planting my oversized snout into the floor. I turned to the guard and asked, Were you here when your princesses went through the portal?

The stallion nodded. I was stationed outside at my post when Princess Celestia and Princess Luna arrived.

Did you see which mirror that they used?

No, but I did glimpse one glowing oddly.

Which?

I’m not sure. As I said, I only caught a glimpse.

Take a stab at it, I encouraged.

Umm… this one, I think.

His hoof pointed at one of those on the floor, and my heart sunk. That just about put the final nail in the coffin. Could you let your… um… great and wonderful ruler talk in private with me for a moment?

The guard looked at Trixie and she said, Have you reported the damage here to anypony else?

No, Your Majesty.

See that you don’t. Also, do not discuss anything regarding our visitor.

Trixie half-heartedly waved him off. The stallion bowed as he stepped out of the room, closing the door behind him. It looked like solid oak – excellent for security but also good soundproofing. I turned back to the blue mare and looked at her keenly. The slight bulges under her cape seemed askew, but even as I watched, she unconsciously shrugged and shifted them back into place. I was pretty sure that I was looking at some sort of flimflam artist or at least some show pony who had been thrust into a role that was turning out to be tougher than she anticipated.

Okay, Your Trixieness – would you mind explaining exactly what’s going on here?

That seemed to pull the mare out of her strange mood, and she glared at me. I don’t know what you are talking about, and do not address your monarch so informally.

Listen, lady – I don’t know exactly what’s going on here, but I can recognize someone running a scam when I see one. I run across your type all the time in my job. If you’re a real princess, then I’m the King of America!

Trixie snorted derisively. The Great and Tolerant Trixie is not amused by your presumption. She is the legitimate ruler of Equestria.

Then why are you so freaked out by the news that your princesses are unlikely to return?

Trixie is not freaked out; she is deeply concerned.

S-u-r-e you are. Mind letting me have a look under that cape of yours?

Impertinent stallion! No, you may not!

I thought as much. You’re a fake alicorn, aren’t you?

Be careful what you call your empress, peasant, or else suffer the consequences! Her words were imperious, but her tone lacked conviction.

What consequences? Are you going to dazzle me with more fireworks and stage magic meant only to impress an audience? Or perhaps try to frighten me more with illusions made of smoke and mirrors?

Trixie gave me a sullen look. Are you a performer in your land?

No, but I can recognize one. So, how did you usurp power?

She tried to look indignant, but she slowly deflated and her ears sagged. Trixie did not usurp power – she had it thrust upon her.

As unlikely as that seemed, her demeanor seemed to back that up. Care to share? I asked, keeping the skepticism out of my voice.

For a very long moment it seemed she would not answer, but with a visible effort to firm her resolve, she replied, Can Trixie trust you, stranger?

I rolled my eyes. Listen, ‘Princess’, we both seem to be caught up in this situation, so how about we help each other and cut out the bullshit? You can trust me to zip my lips and I’ll trust you to fix me up in this place.

Trixie finds that acceptable if you will Pinkie Promise.

I looked at my hoof in confusion. How? I don’t even have a pinkie finger anymore.

Trixie stared at me in confusion before shaking her head and saying, No. Do and say as Trixie does. She then recited some words accompanied by some odd actions.

I just gaped for a long moment. Seriously? What sort of childish oath was this?

Do it!

Okay! Okay! Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye. OW! I had slammed my hoof into my face. Thanks to my ongoing lack of coordination, I probably now had a black eye to add to the list of injuries.

Just so you know, ‘Bark Smells’, nopony ever breaks a Pinkie Promise. She shuddered. And a Pinkie Promise lasts forever.

Her last word echoed strangely around the room, and I could have sworn it was in a different pony’s voice. Looking around, I didn’t see any…uh…pony else.

Apparently satisfied, Trixie began her explanation. "To understand better, first you need to know that Trixie did some unpleasant… things… in the past that she deeply regrets. Trixie decided that she must complete her magical training before resuming her career with confidence and style. Not that Trixie was ever less than magnificent, of course, but there’s always room for improvement. Her friend, Twilight Sparkle, spoke up for Trixie when she tried to re-join Princess Celestia’s School For Gifted Unicorns, and Her Highness often gave Trixie personal lessons as a favor to Twilight."

Why did Celestia favor this Twilight Sparkle so much?

She is the Princess’s personal student and a powerful mage. She was visiting Canterlot to check on my progress on the day that the Royal Sisters left through the portal. There were just the three of us in Celestia’s private study when one of the Guardsponies virtually burst into the room. He presented a message to Celestia and Her Highness looked horrified by whatever it contained. She jumped up and said something like, ‘An emergency has come up that my sister and I must attend to. Twilight – could you please help Trixie with completing the lesson?’

Twilight replied, ‘Of course, Princess, but if this is some sort of threat to Equestria, perhaps I should fetch the Element Bearers?’ And Celestia shook her head and said, ‘No, Twilight – this is a task for alicorns alone. We will assess the problem and let you know what you can do for us in the meantime.’ Then Celestia left in great haste while Twilight continued with the lesson. Shortly thereafter, a messenger from the Crystal Empire came begging for help against shadow creatures that were attacking the citizens of that distant city. Without either of the princesses there, Twilight took it upon herself to gather her friends and head off to the Crystal Empire to deal with the problem, leaving Trixie to study by herself. Celestia’s right-hoof mare Raven Inkwell found Trixie still there when she came looking for Celestia. She asked Trixie for Celestia’s whereabouts and was just about to leave when the Captain of the Royal Guard arrived.

‘Are you Celestia’s personal student?’ he asked Trixie. Of course, Trixie replied in the affirmative. He then informed Trixie that, by Celestia’s command, she was to take over the governance of Equestria until they returned.

What?! I exclaimed. Don’t tell me – Celestia meant Twilight Sparkle, didn’t she?

Princess Celestia’s words to him before going through the portal were, ‘My personal student awaits my return in my chambers. Inform her that we empower her to act on our behalf in our absence.’

I gaped at her. You mean to say that you became ruler due to a case of mistaken identity?

The mare gave me a half-smile. Trixie was Princess Celestia’s personal student and was waiting there for her; Trixie thinks it was fate.

And everyone believed you?

Raven Inkwell was there to witness. Trixie is the legitimate ruler and her subjects do her bidding.

I’m beginning to think you ponies have to be the most gullible people that I have ever heard of. So – do you really want to have the responsibility to rule Equatoria forever?

It’s Equestria, Trixie corrected. Then her ears drooped and she bit her lip before replying. Trixie only sought to make some improvements and put some pizzazz into the Royal Court while she had the opportunity. She never expected that this might be a permanent gig.

Oh, for the love of… What about this Twilight Sparkle? Surely she knows who should really be in charge?

Heh! Funny you should mention that. Twilight and her friends spent about a week in the Crystal Empire trying to deal with the shadow creatures. Then they returned to Canterlot to acquire more help…

Trixie was idly admiring her new crown when a Royal Guard approached the throne.

Your Majesty – the Elements of Harmony have arrived and they demand an audience.

Trixie had been anticipating this and she replied, Let them in without delay, and make sure we are not disturbed.

As you command, Your Magnificence!

As the Guard hastened to obey, Trixie smiled and placed the crown back on her head. Hmmm. Trixie thinks she likes that one. She will keep him.

Twilight Sparkle trotted into the throne room, followed by her five closest friends. They saw Trixie sitting imperiously on the throne and Raven standing nearby with her clipboard in hoof, looking like she would rather be anywhere else.

Twilight squared her stance and lit her horn, the other Element Bearers forming a line on both sides of her, their jewelry gleaming in the darkness with their own light. Trixie smirked. Twilight opened her mouth to speak but Trixie held up a hoof to interrupt her.

Stop! You are here to put an end to my vile villainy and knock the false alicorn from the Throne of Equestria, am I correct?

The light around Twilight’s horn flickered for a moment, but then her voice returned with its full confidence. Uh, yes! And…

Fine! You win! Trixie trotted down from the dais and headed for the back of the throne room. She then stopped and called over her shoulder. Good luck ruling Equestria! You do realize all the Little Ponies will not accept anyone but an alicorn as their ruler, don’t you?

Twilight gaped. That’s not true! And even if it was, Cadance can… well, as soon as their emergency is over in the Crystal Kingdom she can occasionally visit to…

Raven sadly shook her head.

Twilight’s horn went out entirely. What?

Raven looked up. The Boring and Facetious Trixie is correct about the citizenry.

Trixie turned around completely. Hey!

Raven continued as if no pony had said anything at all. There was mass chaos in the streets after the rumor broke that Celestia and Luna had left. Ponies everywhere were just running around like headless chickens, throwing things in the air and knocking themselves over. They wouldn’t stop screaming and running even when they were on their sides, spinning like tops. Without their Alpha, whether it be the head of their herd or the ruler of the nation, the common pony can’t function. Trixie was…

Kind enough, supplied the smug blue mare.

…opportunistic enough…

~grumble~ Trixie pouted.

…to seize the reins of power and restore order. She has been doing a sub-optimal and only a shade higher than adequate job of keeping the faith of the ponies since then.

During this time, Trixie had put on her most smug grin and marched right up to Twilight’s nose. So what do you say, ‘Prized Pupil’? Until the diarchs return, do you want to be saving Ponyville from their weekly crisis–

Rainbow Dash spoke up. Actually, more like monthly after you left.

Trixie’s smile faltered and she glared at the pegasus, who didn’t seem to notice. …their bi-weekly crisis and trying to help your foalsitter and brother solve the mystery of those ponies made of shadow that keep battering the shield around the Crystal Kingdom, or do you want to try to ‘reason’ with a nation of screaming equines that won’t listen to you unless you have both horns and wings? She finished with a confident smirk and a flourish of her cape, showing off the artificial appendages that shored up her claim to the throne.

Twilight frowned and her horn started to glow again. Trixie’s smile faltered and she took a step back.

Applejack put a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. One sec, now, sugarcube. Let’s get all the facts ’fore we do somethin’ we might regret.

Rarity turned to the Right Hoof of Celestia. Raven, darling, we were just so busy fighting off those deplorable creatures over the last week that there was no time to talk about anything else. Can you tell us what Cadance has said on the matter?

The mare nodded. As you know, Princess Cadance and Shining Armor are very busy keeping up the shield and evacuating the outskirts of their kingdom. We’ve only gotten a few scrolls through, but she… Raven let out an exasperated sigh. … praised Trixie for her quick thinking given the situation.

Trixie crowed. You see! It takes the intelligence of a royal to appreciate Trixie’s–

Twilight turned her head to face Trixie. Her eyes turned white and her mane appeared to catch fire.

The showmare crouched down slightly and softly said, Shutting up now.

Fluttershy came up to Twilight’s side. Breathe deeply, Twilight. In… out… in… out...

The unicorn closed her eyes and her mane slowly returned to normal. When her eyes opened, they were their normal purple hue. She looked at Raven. No word from the Princesses?

None. And they specifically stated that the dimension they were travelling to was too dangerous for anypony but an alicorn.

Prince Blueblood?

Raven snorted. If he had been appointed by Royal Degree and the Sisters had personally expressed their full confidence in him to every pony in Equestria, the riots would have started in three days, tops.

He would not have missed this chance to seize power. Where is he, then?

Trixie gave a motion of finality. The situation has been handled.

Rarity gasped. Fluttershy gasped. Pinkie Pie gasped because it seemed to be the in thing at the moment.

Six stares continued unblinking until Trixie wilted under the pressure. No, Trixie didn’t kill him. Trixie gave him an all-expense paid trip to Prance to sample the wine at every vineyard in the country.

Twilight frowned. Five thousand, two hundred and twelve wineries, one visited in the morning and another in the afternoon makes…

Eight years, supplied the showmare.

Twilight looked thoughtful for some time. Then she raised her head and moved in front of Trixie. If you can do this, I’ll be the first to congratulate you on pulling off the Scam of the Century.

Trixie stood up tall and straightened her crown.

Twilight leaned closer and narrowed her eyes. And if you fail, I have absolutely no idea what the Elements of Harmony would do to the mare that usurped power from the rightful rulers of Equestria, but we would soon find out. Are. We. Clear?

The blue unicorn’s legs trembled for a moment, then she gave Twilight her most confident smile and returned to the throne. Only after she was comfortably lounging there did she deign to reply. Trixie has been preparing for this role since the day she was born. The Great and Wise Trixie has … ascended to the occasion and she will not fail. She waved a hoof dismissively. Now off with you. The Queen of All the Heavens has a meeting with the Griffonstone Ambassador to prepare for. Trixie does not need your distractions.

So basically, you were the least worst option, I summed up.

Trixie feels that you could have put that better, but yes. Equestria’s order has been maintained while Trixie has dealt with royal matters. The Elements of Harmony have attended to some minor crises and the Guild of Mages maintain the raising and setting of the sun and moon.

My mind checked out then. Say what?! Raising the sun?!

Trixie gave him a curious look. How else do you think the day cycles are maintained in the absence of the alicorns?

My brain was officially overloaded and I rubbed my aching head with that damned hard hoof of mine. I give up – I’m officially stuck in a fairytale. Then my stomach emitted a loud gurgle. And I’m starving. I haven’t eaten since I got here.

Trixie headed for the door, opening it with her magic. Perhaps we should discuss this further over dinner. Trixie can have the chef prepare whatever you wish.

That would be great. A nice thick sirloin steak sounds good right now.

Trixie looked at me with horror. You eat griffon food? Truly you are an alien from another world, Park Well!

I groaned. Note to self – ponies can’t eat meat. Thank God they have toilet bowls.

# # # # # # # # #

3: It’s as Easy as Falling off a Log

Dinner had been both frustrating and educational, and I’m not just talking about my visit to the porcelain receptacle. Trixie had kept her word and allowed me to order the biggest and juiciest steak the Royal Kitchen could cook up. The chef’s skeptical look did not discourage me, but the smirk on the blue mare’s face should have tipped me off. While we were waiting for our meals, I took in the details of the dining room. It looked fancy but still quite normal… for humans. I glared at the cutlery in front of me and then queried my host.

How the hell am I supposed to use these? I asked as I indicated the offending knife and fork. It’s not as if I have fingers anymore. I don’t have that magic horn of yours to levitate them. Why give them to me at all?

How else are you going to cut your steak? Trixie replied unhelpfully.

I gave her a flat look before ineffectually prodding the offending silverware with my hoof. Last I saw, hooves aren’t very useful for picking up things.

Trixie giggled. How would you know? Have you tried?

Now I knew she was yanking my chain. Gritting my teeth I ground out, "I don’t have fingers on my hoof!"

What are fingers? Are they anything like griffon talons? That’s how they handle their steaks. Her grin just kept getting bigger.

You knew this was going to happen, didn’t you? You wanted me to get my steak and not be able to eat it.

She pursed her lips and tutted in a show of exaggerated solicitude. Do you think so little of the Kind and Generous Trixie that I would torment you so?

I started to fume. If you’re so concerned, would you care to explain?

What is there to explain? Pick them up and use them.

I slammed my hoof on the table, rattling the plates, cutlery, and various other dining table accessories. I waved my knife in her face and snarled, What sort of explanation is that?! Can’t you stop playing mind games for one moment and tell… me… I trailed off as Trixie smirk grew to monumental proportions as her eyes regarded the knife. Mine shifted to look at it too. It was there on my upraised hoof. Firmly held. No fingers. Impossible! It suddenly clattered to the table. I looked back to Trixie and asked, What happened?

She shrugged. You stopped holding it.

How did I hold it in the first place?

You stopped thinking that you couldn’t and just picked it up as any pony would, she replied, demonstrating by picking up her fork in her hoof without her horn glowing. Trixie suggests you practice because she is not going to cut up your food and feed you.

I put my hoof on the knife handle, feeling the cold metal through the frog. I still didn’t understand how I had picked it up the first time, and Trixie was a lousy teacher, but maybe if I pictured in my mind grasping it with my absent fingers…?" I felt it this time – a flow of energy around my hoof. I lifted it and the knife came along with it. I could somehow feel my grasp on the handle and I tested that hold by pressing the tip of the knife against the table. It held firm. Magic. These ponies took these things for granted but I was going to have to learn – although hopefully not from the mocking mare in front of me.

When my steak finally arrived, I was able to cut and consume it with gusto, much to my regret afterwards. When I dragged myself back to the table from the bathroom, Trixie was enjoying a large dessert.

With her mouth still half full, she said, The Kind and Thoughtful Trixie ordered you a garden salad. She indicated it with her spoon.

While I thought I would not be interested in food anymore after that episode, my stomach reminded me that it was empty… again. I sat back on my chair and regarded the large bowl of vegetables. I could see lettuce, cucumber, scallions, cherry tomatoes, olives, sun-dried tomatoes, cheese, plus a light dressing, and it smelled pretty good. I picked up my fork but before I dug in, I glared at Trixie and asked, Why didn’t you tell me that ponies can’t eat meat?

Who says we can’t? she replied infuriatingly.

I groaned. Then why did I just consign my steak to a toilet bowl?

Ponies have always been able to eat meat – pegasi are inexplicably fond of fish – but always in modest amounts. If you had eaten a quarter of that steak, you would have been fine.

I had stuffed my face with some of the salad while Trixie was talking, and I chewed and, unlike the supposed paragon of ponies, swallowed before replying, But you were disgusted by my wanting to eat a steak. What gives?

The Great and Refined Trixie would not stoop to eating a formerly living thing, even if the meat came from a non-sapient cow.

"So you’re saying it’s a cultural choice? Wait! Sapient cow? Are you telling me that there are talking cows here?"

Of course. The bovine guild would go on strike if we even considered serving them up to our griffon guests.

My head swam. Besides ponies, griffons, and cows, what other species am I going to end up having an awkward conversation with?

Let’s see… There are the minotaurs, zebras, diamond dogs – uncouth ruffians, Abyssinians, deer–

Enough! I get it – don’t assume that anything is just an animal. Sheesh! How much more ridiculous can this place get?

Trixie recommends that you stop complaining and keep eating, or else she will take your dessert too.

I pointed warningly at the mare with my fork. Don’t you dare! If there’s anything as sacred to a man as a steak, it’s his dessert.

Trixie just laughed, but she didn’t steal the generously sized piece of apple and blackberry pie that was waiting for me despite my taking the time to chew the salad properly before swallowing. One upset stomach was enough, thank you!

I have to say that pony chefs know how to cook. I was never much of a salad eater before, but I loved every bite of this one. And the pie was heavenly. No wonder Trixie threatened to eat my portion. Not that she couldn’t have ordered more from the kitchen anyway. Me too, come to think of it. I sighed – I had let her get to me again.

I leaned back in the chair with a groan of satisfaction. I was pleasantly stuffed and my mood lightened. I regarded my host a touch more benignly and thanked her for the meal. That was a wonderful dinner, but I suppose we had better get back to more important matters, to wit – what happens to me now?

Trixie tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Hmmm. Trixie supposes that she should throw you in the dungeon for the destruction