The Brave Astonishing Marvelous Dazzling Outstanding Spectacular Invincible (and Hungry) Rubberband Boy

By Jonathan Neuman

“Whoa! What is that? Some sort of Rubber contraption you haven’t shown me yet? A Rubber Jet-Pack? A Rubber Glider? A Rubber Suit of Armor?!”
“Don’t be ridiculous. What do you think I am—some kind of billionaire socialite industrialist? This is what the school uses to clean the windows.”

The adventure continues!

Fresh off their narrow escape from the clutches of their zombie-creating, energy-blasting, follicly-challenged Social Studies teacher in The Amazing Magnificent Stupendous Incredible Outstanding Unbeatable Exceptional (and Humble) Rubberband Boy, Ohrno Elementary's 5th grade class heads to the local aquarium on a field trip, where John and Dave are intent on reuniting the school's prize-winning rainbow fish with its friends. When the class returns to school after John's shenanigans get the school permanently barred from the aquarium, the boys are surprised to find the building empty. What dastardly evil has overtaken the school? More importantly, can John and Dave stop it without Rubberband Boy's spectacular powers?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jonathan Neuman
• Release date: Apr 22, 2012
• ISBN: 9781476432366

Book preview

The fun never stops! Visit John and Dave on the web at www.rubbercave.com!

Copyright 2012 by Jonathan Neuman

Smashwords Edition

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This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events, places, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

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1. The Smaller They Are . . . The Harder You Say Ouchie

2. No Ifs, Ands, or Buts

3. Surfin’ Ohno Elementary

4. I’m A Big Boy Now

5. Would You Like Some Soy Sauce With That?

6. When Squirrels Attack

7. Press One For English, Two For Secret Bases

8. Heeere’s Johnny!

9. It’s A Bird, It’s A Plane, It’s . . . Healthy?

10. I Don’t Get Paid Enough For This

11. You Couldn’t Think Of A Title More Creative Than: The Second Cliffhanger?

John stared across the playground and his eyes narrowed.

Them there’s fightin’ words. You sure you got what it takes?

John’s right arm dangled at his side, his index finger twitching. A sixth grader stood nervously thirty feet away. All around, the other schoolchildren watched in hushed silence. The scene was frozen, save for a lone tumbleweed rolling across the background.

Suddenly, western showdown music began playing.

Doo doo doo …

John turned his head and looked at Dave incredulously.

Would you mind turning down your MP3 player?

Sorry, Dave said sheepishly, his face blushing.

John shook his head in mild disdain and turned back to his opponent.

Now, where were we … that’s right, DRAW!

John quickly raised his index finger to his lips and started to strum as quickly as he could.

Bubububububububuububububububububu …

The two boys began advancing toward each other, eyes glaring and lips blaring. John bobbled with increasing frequency and intensity as he got closer and closer. The two combatants came face to face, their noses clashing. Sweat began to trickle down John’s forehead as he flicked his lips faster and faster. The sixth grader’s breath stunk like old tuna fish.

And suddenly, it was over. John’s opponent collapsed to the floor, too pooped to continue. John backed off and pumped his fist into the air triumphantly. Dave quickly ran over and lifted up John’s right arm.

And there you have it ladies and gentlemen. This match, lasting 14.593 seconds into the first round and being decided by knock out … your winner, and STILL champion of the playground, John ‘The Mon’ —

The late bell abruptly drowned Dave out. The other kids immediately turned and dashed toward the school building. Dave—who had been smiling with his eyes closed as he had made his grand announcement—proudly opened his eyes, only to find himself staring at an empty playground.

What … but … huh? Dave sputtered, completely confused.

They all went inside, John said wryly. Nobody heard you.

But … but … but it was so good!

If you say so; I couldn’t hear with everybody running away from you.

Dave put his hands on his hips and frowned at John.

Hilarious.

John laughed. Suddenly, he stopped and stared at Dave.

What? What are you looking at? Is there something behind me? Is it a giant man-eating Venus Flytrap with a penchant for boys with glasses?!

Dave, why are you wearing a jacket today? It’s like a bajillion degrees outside.

Dave’s face reddened and he turned away.

Oh … the jacket … umm … well I thought it was going to be cold today and—

I know when you’re lying, John said as he grabbed Dave and twisted him back. Now what are you hiding?

No, wait, don’t! Dave shouted as John grabbed the jacket’s zipper and pulled it down.

Bwahahahaha!!! What are you wearing? You look like a ninety-year-old clown!

The open jacket revealed that Dave’s pants were being held up by a pair of rainbow suspenders. John continued to laugh hysterically as Dave quickly zipped up the jacket, his face getting even redder.

Listen, my pants were too big and I couldn’t find any belts. This was all I had. My mother said that she would buy some belts for me today.

Why didn’t you just wear a different pair of pants?

Dave stopped.

Wait … you’re allowed to do that?

John started to laugh again when all of a sudden he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. John immediately became alert. Dave looked at him, concerned.

Is it the Flytrap? he whispered, quickly pulling off his glasses.

John turned and stared suspiciously at a squirrel standing about ten feet away.

Dave, that squirrel has been watching us the whole time.

Dave sighed and returned the glasses to his face.

Not again with the squirrels.

Yes again with the squirrels. I’m telling you, they’re up to something.

As if on queue, the squirrel suddenly started to rush toward John. Dave gasped.

It’s coming right at you! Look out!

John fell to the floor as the squirrel leapt over him. John jumped up and began chasing after it.

Come on, Dave, if we work together we can catch it!

Dave sighed and begrudgingly began to run after John.

John chased the squirrel into the jungle gym. The squirrel hopped from bar to bar as John followed close behind—climbing up, down, and across. The squirrel stopped near the top and just stared at John. John swung his legs over two upper bars for support, and then reached his head and arms through the space above so that he was just inches from the squirrel. John began to stretch out his arms.

The squirrel hopped down and over to the side. John lunged at it, but found that because of the position of his head and legs, his arms were just barely out of reach. The squirrel hopped away safely, and John had to take a few seconds to untangle himself from the bars.

Ooh, that crafty squirrel! Dave, did you see that? Did you see how he tricked me into getting caught in the bars? Finally, I have my proof! John yelled as he resumed the chase.

Yeah, John, great proof, Dave sarcastically agreed.

The squirrel headed toward the slides and bounded up one of the slide’s steps. John came running close behind.

Okay, Dave, you wait at the bottom! We’ve got him now!

The squirrel reached the top step and started scampering down the slide. John reached the top and dove headfirst, his arms outstretched. Dave was waiting at the bottom. John zoomed down the slide, but just as he was about to grab the squirrel, it hopped off the side. John slammed into Dave, sending the two of them crashing to the ground. John quickly jumped up.

Dave, stop sleeping! Get with the program!

Coming, coming, Dave mumbled as he struggled to find his glasses.

John chased the squirrel to the seesaw, where the two of them circled around. The squirrel stopped on one side, and John stopped on the other. Just as Dave was coming behind John, the squirrel suddenly turned around and headed toward the spring rider. John immediately pursued by sprinting up the plank and then back down—sending the back half of the plank flying up into Dave and knocking him backward through the air.

John heard Dave cry out. He looked back for a second, only to see Dave rolling over on the ground. Dave had one hand on the side of his head, the other on the ground searching for his glasses.

Uuuuuhhhh … ouchiebananas …

Dave! John called out, exasperated, as his focus returned to the squirrel.

I know, I know. Stop sleeping, Dave grumbled.

Dave caught up to John in front of the merry-go-round. The squirrel was on the merry-go-round, standing upright on its hind legs, staring at John.

Okay, Dave, here’s the plan. You jump on, and I’ll spin it as hard as I can. While it’s whirling, you knock the squirrel off, and I’ll pounce on it while it’s still dazed.