What is Love? My Question...God's Answer

By Jennifer E. Michaels

A true story that sheds light on the dark mysteries surrounding the cultic organization of Jehovah's Witnesses. Jennifer E. Michaels's memoir details her experience of being excommunicated at the unprecedented age of thirteen. Brainwashed to believe she was dead to her family, the church and God, Jennifer reveals the excruciating spiritual abuse that follows. Told with an uncanny lack of self-pity, she takes the reader on a harrowing ride of pain and addiction. Those traumatic events, however, are not what define her. Perhaps the most incredible part is not the tragedy, but rather Jennifer's ability to overcome it. Her powerful determination to find the truth about God leads the reader on an incredible spiritual journey most people could only dream of. You will be awe-inspired by Jennifer's willingness to share her intimate conversations with God and astounded by the way God shows up. Triumphant healing takes place as God profoundly answers her most sought-after question: What is Love?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jennifer E. Michaels
• Release date: Mar 7, 2012
• ISBN: 9780985219109

Book preview

Special Smashwords Edition

A Memoir About Overcoming Spiritual Abuse

What Is Love?

My Question…God's Answer

by

Jennifer E. Michaels

This book is a work of non-fiction. Names, characters, places and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or to actual events or locales have been changed to respect and protect the privacy of others. In the event actual names have been used; permission was granted.

What is Love? My Question… God's Answer

Special Smashwords Edition

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The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

Cover Photo, Design and Interior Artwork: Jennifer E. Michaels

Copyright © 2012

Visit the author website: http://www.jemichaels.com

Published by: JEM Publishing

This eBook published and distributed by: http://www.smashwords.com

Table of Contents

Reaching Higher

Dedication and Acknowledgements

Introduction

Chapter 1 - Foundation of fear

Valleys, Caves and Mountains · What is Love? · Random Memories · Foundation of Fear · Description of a Cult · Founders · Growing Up Jehovah's Witness · Rules, Regulations and Basic Teachings · Witnessing · Torture · Satan and Sex · Paradise on Earth · Associations · Going Under

Chapter 2 - The Great Lie

First Drink · My Dad · The Basement · Getting Disfellowshipped · The Great Lie · The Announcement · Panic Attack

Chapter 3 - Darkness

The Damage · My Little Sisters · Running Away · Rape · Suicidal Tendencies · High School · Art Class · First Job · First Black-Out · My Last Beating · Reinstatement · Fake I.D., Alcohol and Men

Chapter 4 - Dis-ease

Moving Out · High School Graduation · Looking for Love · First Apartment · Sobriety Attempt #1 · Kennedy Shoes · Ouija Board · Wherever You Go · Car Wreck · St. Pauls Apartments

Chapter 5 - The Seed

Unplanned Pregnancy · Single Mom or Abortion? · Disfellowshipped Again · A New God · Telling My Parents · Don't Give Up · Adoption · It's Not About Me · Birth · Hope · Spiritual Experience #1 · God's Hand · Cherished Secret · St. Thomas

Chapter 6 - Seeking

Boyfriend 1 of 4 · Boyfriend 2 of 4 · Florida · A Glimpse of Love · Strip Club · Boyfriend 3 of 4 · The Loft · Escorting · Lost in the Dark · Protection

Chapter 7 - Searching

Peek at Peace · Self-Help · Lifespring · Dad's Rejection Again · Moving to Grandma's House · College · Dad's Letter · Escorting Again · No More Passion · Boyfriend 4 of 4 · In His Eyes · That's Amore · Travels and Adventures · Europe · Bowling Green, Ohio · Getting Married · College Graduation · Camping Across America · September 11, 2001 · Making a Living as an Artist · Dad Dies · Now What? · Pity Party · Great Depression

Chapter 8 - Surrender

Spiritual Experience #2 · Disclaimer · Journals · Surrendering · Like Water · Only Human · Sex · Health · See the Light in all Human Beings · Eternal Spiritual Being · Not Christian · Richard's Baptism · Separation is an Illusion

Chapter 9 - Believing

Embrace the Mystery · Bruce Almighty and Free Will · Battle for the Soul · Message #1 - Shhhh… Keep it Simple · Message #2 - Nothing Matters · Message #3 - Mind Your Business · Message #4 - What's Done is Done · Rainbows and Dolphins · Head to Heart to Mouth · Do You Believe? · Real Estate School · Ask Again · It is Done · Wooden Cross · Privacy (Poem) · The Big If Prayer ·Lunch with Paul and Arleen · Choose · Birthday Dream · If You Don't Even Know Me · Smiles at the Gym · Jesus on the Edge of the Tub · I Believe · Life Flashing Before My Eyes · Message #5 - Follow Your Heart · 1 Corinthians 13: 1-13 · Calling Out My Name

Chapter 10 - Becoming

Walking and Talking with Jesus at the Beach · Welcome Home · Wayward Daughter @ 4:14 · Message #6 Surrender · Miracles · Message # 7 - Be Patient · 2:22 and Shine · Money · Silence · Baptism · Girl's Night · Not $5… $500 · Giving · Ebb and Flow · Celebration in Heaven · Fruit · My New Bible · Holy Spirit · Work · Walk This Earth · Love God · Love Your Neighbor · God Smiles · Conversations Continue · Love Story · You Already Wrote It

Chapter 11- Purification

5 Years Later · Corporate America · Promotions · Divorce · Woes · Last Call · Reconnecting to God · Quit My Job? · Life is Short · 11:11 · You are Free · Change of Plans · Peace · Two Weeks Off · Golden Cord · Waiting Room · Rebuilding · One of the Many or One of the Few · Moving On · Heaven on Earth

Afterward

Three days · Divine Appointment · He Makes All Things Right · Do Not Be Afraid · Speak Truth · We're Sorry · I Wish You Well

Note to reader

Poem - Come

mentions

Music · Books · Movies · Poems · Websites and Resources

Prayer - Alpha and Omega

About the Author

Dedicated To

MY Father in heaven

and

My Fellow Seekers

I set out on a narrow way many years ago

hoping I would find true love along the broken road...

Bless The Broken Road ~ Rascal Flatts

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I give all praise, glory, and thanks to God my Father, Abba, Daddy; Jesus Christ my Savior, Best Friend, and Confidant; The Holy Spirit my Teacher, Truth-teller and Inspiration; His myriad of Angels who protect me; His Saints in Heaven who have gone before me; His saints on earth who walk beside me; and His powerful, Divine, Holy Word.

To my family: Good or bad, right or wrong, your lives lay on the pages of my story and for that I am grateful. Dad, I forgive you and wish you well. Mom, thank you for being my mom and loving me no matter what. I love you, too.

Jeff, you have a special place in my heart and prayers. Matt, thank you, thank you, thank you for listening to God when He asked you to pray for me! Thank you for believing in the future God has planned for me. Lauri, thank you for just being born, you were one of the lights in my life that saved me from complete darkness. I believe God has a great plan for you. Krista, you are the other light. I love you, but God loves you more! Keep your eyes on Him.

Christy, thank you from the bottom of my heart for believing in me and standing beside me in this journey. I am certain that this book would not have come to fruition without your endless words of encouragement to write down in a book all the words God has said... You never let me give up. You are one of the living saints and a gift from God to our family! I love you! May God’s Love and Light surround, protect, and heal us and ours.

To the corporate organization and members of The Watchtower and Awake Society of Jehovah’s Witnesses and specifically those in the congregation where I grew up, may God’s Light shine so brightly upon you that not one lie can stand. I forgive you.

To my son and his family, there are no words. You are in my heart, mind, soul, spirit and prayers always and forever. I love you.

Greg, thank you loving me when you did. Thank you for making many of my dreams come true. Thank you for knowing when to let go. May God bless you always.

Paul and Arleen, thank you for the big If Prayer and sharing your beautiful poems.

To the pastors and church my soul rested in for a time, thank you for creating a warm and safe place for me to experience God’s presence and meet some of His people.

To the amazing women in my life: Debbie, thank you for being my friend no matter what. You are one of the purest examples of unconditional Love I have in my life. Thank you for the little wooden cross. Donna, from the day we met, we knew there was an undeniable connection. You taught me what it means to be committed to a friendship. You are my living example of strength and ability to love others and live each day to the fullest no matter what the circumstances. Laura, thank you for taking me to my first meeting. Moira and Melissa, thank you for walking me, step-by-step, through the recovery process. Meta, girl, God’s got your back! Elise, Kelly, and everyone from Monday night Dreamers group, thank you for being my friends: listening to me; encouraging me not to give up; and praying for me endlessly as I know you have. Migsie and Sheena, thank you for battling the evil forces in dark places on my behalf. Linda and Cori, along with all the strong women of faith in Dive Deeper, thank you for your leadership, wisdom, insight, and prayers. Eileen, thank you for opening your home and table for teaching and confirming! Terri, my unlikely and unexpected dear friend, your faith and commitment to God astounds me. Thank you for your powerful encouragement with this book. Keep the book of Ruth close to your heart. I hope He astounds you too. Lisa, ships do come in.

Noah, Thank you for getting me through that first night, October 13, 2007. May God keep you and bless you always.

Dr. Jay, Thank you for allowing a Jewish Carpenter to lead you. Thank you for providing me with the wisdom and insight I needed to make the very difficult decision to leave corporate America to write this book.

Patrick, thank you for taking my hand, bringing me to my knees, and praying over me that God would be heal me from my past with the Jehovah’s Witnesses. I couldn’t have made it to the center of the world without you. Oh, how He loves you!

Ollie, thank you for your feeding, eating, talking, listening, reading, philosophizing, detoxifying, dreaming, singing, fighting, crying, groaning, healing, learning, laughing, eye-gazing love. One day we’ll see clearly… just as He does.

George, thank you for facilitating the writers’ group, reading my manuscript; and giving me continual encouragement. Thank you to my fellow writers in the group, especially Michael for your encouragement and Nichole, who walked this path before me; just by the look in your eyes, you made me believe I could do it too.

Finally, to every single person who ever said to me over the past years, I can’t wait to read your book. You’re gonna be on Oprah someday! Thank you, thank you… thank you. Every time I heard those or similar words it gave me the strength to keep writing this very difficult and personal story, through which I am being set more free every day. Thank you!

TOP

INTRODUCTION

Teach me how to speak. Teach me how to share

Teach me where to go. Tell me, will love be there?

Shine ~ Collective Soul

In The Beginning

It seemed I was just another damaged person in the crowd – a faceless girl among the masses – nothing special, nothing good and nothing glowing about me. Who was I to think I had a story worth telling? Who else hasn’t fallen, stumbled, and bumped their way through this life without their own story to tell? How could I be any different? I believed I was not special, not unique and not worthy to speak about the things of God.

But somehow, in spite of all my self-doubts, I sat in bed, laptop in place, staring out my window at a backyard that was just beginning to emerge from winter. The fact was I had come to a point in my life where I had no other choice but to follow the Voice that was telling me to write my story. I was given a glimmer of hope that my sordid yet spiritual journey might make a difference for another person. As I began to write it was hard for me to imagine that my suffering, shame and sorrow might spare another human being the same. Could it really be that someone else might gain from my losses, learn from my mistakes, or come to believe because I didn't? Through this process, and by observing what has already transpired for those who have read my manuscript, or heard my story, I have learned that the answer is, Yes. With that said, I know there is no way it would have been possible for me to share this story if it were not for God who very gently and patiently walked me through this writing process. He held my hand through my gigantic insecurity and into the unfamiliar world of becoming willing.

God has encouraged me from the very beginning, always telling me that if just one person could be touched, encouraged or healed in some way through my story, then the life I had lived to that point would have been worth it. Just the hope that I could help another person gave me the motivation I needed to peel off the masks I had learned to project to the world. To the best of my ability, I have laid down my life on the pages that follow and it is my hearts desire that whoever hears my story may walk away with a little more faith, hope, and Love.

With that said, I am also aware that fulfilling my Calling is not without personal gain. In fact, the one person who may be helped the most from this undertaking is myself Writing my story has been a cathartic experience. Putting this book together became my way of understanding my jumbled up memories and putting my fragmented past back into an order I could comprehend. There is power in letting out the secret things that are hidden within one’s soul; and confession does indeed set a person free. Putting pen to paper, and fingers to keyboard, has freed me from the burden of walking in this world alone. I’ve realized that I need other people who will relate to, identify with, and understand what happened to me.

As much as I like to think I am contributing something to the outside world, it might be better stated that the outside world is contributing something to me. The real gift in this story comes from you, the reader who is willing to give of their time, energy and resources to hear the things God and I have to say. So thank you in advance for giving us the gift of being heard.

I wrote this book because I had no other choice. It has helped me understand myself, others, and God better. It has been a cleansing process that continues still in setting me free to grow into the woman God created me to be. I hope that as you read you will find as much, if not more for yourself.

Hold on tight… it's a strange and wild ride…

TOP

CHAPTER 1

FOUNDATION OF FEAR

"Dear God, it’s me Jennifer. I am having problems and I am coming to you looking for answers because I can’t seem to get it right by myself. My heart is heavy and hopeless.

My world is dark, unhappy, and dead. My body is in a lot of pain.

I am anxious, angry, and hurting..."

Friday, May 16, 2003 - Journal entry

This is The Ground

VALLEYS, CAVES AND MOUNTAINS

I climbed a mountain and I turned around...

Landslide ~ The Dixie Chicks

This is my experience to the best of my recollection. When I close my eyes and consider the account I must tell, I see an image of myself crossing a valley. For many years, I was stuck on one side of the valley, living inside a cave, buried deep within a mountain of darkness. My cave had become like a living thing rather than just a hiding place – and we had developed quite the relationship. It was as if we were united and we had become one as we breathed in unison breaths of guilt, shame, rejection, judgments, inferiority, and fear. The cave of fear, inside a mountain of darkness, became my home; that familiar place that I lived in and lingered around most of my life. Until, for some reason, I just had to go.

What made me stand up and move on from everything I have ever known? I can’t say for sure, but it had something to do with my pain becoming so great that the only other option I had, stepping into the unknown, sounded like a better choice. This is what I know so far about taking the first step into the unknown: No matter how dark the darkness, there is always a Light somewhere… if I look for it – the moon, a star, a flicker somewhere that will lead me on my way. I know what it’s like when the darkness is overwhelming and the Light is barely there. However, it is there. It is real. It is true. I saw the Light and I followed it. Little by little, one step at a time, I’ve climbed off the dark mountain and I am choosing to walk through the valley with nothing but hope that there is another mountain on the other side; a pure, white, and crystal-clean mountain of truth upon which I hope to build my new home.

WHAT IS LOVE?

I wanna know what love is, I want you to show me...

I Wanna Know What Love Is ~ Foreigner

My first little baby step out of the darkness was prompted by what seems to be a simple, maybe common, question; but to me, it has carried significance and weight. It was a question that appeared from nowhere as it came to me one day – a day just like any other ordinary day. It was around the beginning of spring, 2003. I was 33 years old. I remember it was sunny outside. I stepped out my front door (symbolic I think... stepping through a door) and I was going somewhere for the day, maybe shopping. I remember my foot leaving the foyer and touching the front porch of my little yellow house in Mount Pleasant, South Carolina, as the words that set so much into motion came upon me. My then-husband, whom I had been with for eleven years and married to for five of those, said those three, simple, frequent words… "I love you."

It occurs to me now that many people, men or women, would be happy to hear their significant other say, I love you. However, the I love you words were far from music to my ears. As they came across my consciousness, the same response I had been having for some time took over my body. My chest tightened, my neck stiffened, and my shoulders became tense. Inside my heart there was anger, an antagonizing, anxiety-filled anger. I had been experiencing it for a few years and always wondered what was wrong with me. With inner resistance I said, I love you back and headed out.

Over the years, I never understood why I felt angry when he would say he loved me. It seemed we had a great friendship: We were very compatible, had many of the same interests, and got along very well. I had come to believe that we were meant to be together forever. However, I see now that a relationship built on hiding truths – no matter how painful they might be – will never last. I never talked to him about this anger because I didn’t know it was a choice to do so. Besides, I always kind of thought something was wrong with me.

I blamed myself for not having the correct emotional response. I believed if I did not reciprocate his feelings when he said, I love you, then I must not love him. I started to wonder why I was with someone I didn’t feel love for. I was torn inside. It was like I thought I knew I loved him, but in these moments, I didn’t feel like I loved him. So on that particular day, we exchanged our I love you's as my unexplained and unwanted anger flared inside of me. However, this time, for some reason, it was different. I had a heightened awareness of my distaste. This time I didn’t question Why? Instead, with frustration and without expecting an answer back, I wondered to myself, What is ‘love’ anyway? What does it mean to ‘love’ someone? What does it mean to ‘make love’? What in the world is ‘love’? These questions started resonating in my mind, repeatedly. That little question was the big beginning of what has turned out to be a significant part of my amazing passage from darkness to Light... What is love?

RANDOM MEMORIES

Knock down the old, grey wall. Be a part of it all...

No Matter What ~ Badfinger

This need to understand my question about love and where it came from has become almost iconic in my mind. As I ponder the question, I find it meaningful to look back into my past before I am able to fully live in the present and move toward the future. In my past, there is one defining moment in my childhood that I believe is the root of all the pain and darkness that has enveloped me. I have labeled this moment, The Basement. Over the years, whenever I’ve thought of my childhood, my mind has gone straight to The Basement and stayed there, engulfed by the memory. To get out of the dark basement, I have to bring to Light what happened there. However, before I do, I find it necessary to understand who I was prior to the event that later became my identity.

If I close my eyes tight and force myself to remember, I discover I have other memories as well. Some of the memories I have are strange, some are happy, and some might even be normal (if there is such a thing). Maybe there are clues for me in these random memories about who I was created to be rather than the lies that I later came to believe about myself. Please be tolerant and bear with me as I reminisce a little…

*

1969-1980 ~ I was born May 9, 1969. I am the second of five children, sandwiched between my brothers, Daniel (a year older) and Richard (a year younger). My two little sisters were born later: Suzanne, when I was 10, and then Anne, when I was 12. I was raised in a small town outside of Indianapolis called New Whiteland. My parents were both artists who met at the Dayton Art Institute in Ohio in the mid 1960s. My dad was an architectural designer and he worked out of our house, similar to the character of Mike Brady in The Brady Bunch. My mom was a homemaker who, as the name implies, stayed home and took care of us all. Mom created a nurturing and loving early childhood for us.

In my first year of life, my parents moved about five or six times until they finally settled down in one place. My earliest memories are in our little green house nestled up to the neighborhood park which was full of trees, trails, swings, teeter-totters, and a creek. We were settled down in that house for several years, until I was about seven.

*

In the springtime, the park would be covered in purple violets. Mom would send all of us out with baskets to gather them so she could make violet syrup. I remember watching her stir the steaming pot and adding the violets and wondering how she turned the plant life into syrup... a mystery for me still. I remember the taste of the warm liquid and being surprised we were able to eat something made from flowers.

*

Mom would take my brothers and I to the creek in the park and sit us on an old tree stump at the creek’s edge. The tree stump had roots that stretched into the creek and up the hill. She would sit us there and have us straddle the stump like a saddled horse and tell us to imagine that we were riding an octopus through the sea. I believed I was in the middle of a magical adventure created just for us.

*

There were some older boys in our neighborhood that would come to the park and collect the crawdads by the creek. They would put them in buckets and then make sport of them by throwing them against