Parody Lightfoot and the Bane of Time

By Robin von Bock

Parody Lightfoot, 13, her big sister, Anna Banana, 16, and middle bro, Brian, 15, (no nickname, as yet) battle to save planet Earth from the dark forces of Father Time! A humorous adventure ensues with dragons, magical weapons (big swords, small axes), time travel, shapeshifters and some DNA stuff. There is also some head-scratching!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Robin von Bock
• Release date: Feb 3, 2012
• ISBN: 9781465712332

Book preview

PARODY LIGHTFOOT

AND THE

BANE OF TIME

Robin von Bock

Parody Lightfoot and the Bane of Time

Robin von Bock

Copyright2012 by Robin von Bock

Smashwords Edition

To – Mum, Dad, Mairi and Blissy 

Chapter 1

A brief introduction I think, for those of you who don’t know the story which, lets face it, should be all of you, unless it’s been very successful and you’ve watched the film already. Even I, the writer of such a tale, don’t know it all. For those bits, I made up – sorry, but I think I did a relatively good job and it kinda helps the flow. And I don’t think the bad guy is going to complain really but then again, he might – he looks the sort!!

As I am only 13 years old, my spelling is also a bit rubbish so I apologise beforehand though any really big words spelt rong (and there are – both big words and spelt rong ones) are my big sister’s fault. I could use a spell checker I know but I have decided, in my 13 years of wisdom, that the spelling mistooks add to the othenticity of the tale which, to be sure (Irish accent in use) is pretty unbelievable. And I was there!

It begins in big sis’s bedroom though for her it began a lot earlier than that (she can write that book – it can be the prequel to this!). Suffice to say, big sis – Anna, already a banana at this stage, always believed she was ‘special’. Like all of us. Only in this case, she is. I’m really not jealous. Honest. I’m ‘special’ in my own ‘special’ way, so mam keeps telling me anyway ;-) (apologies for emoticons too, there may be a few of these. I have a mobile phone and I know how to use it (and a computer, obviously!)). It’s just that Anna is a bit more ‘special’ than probably anyone else on the planet. And I really do include the other 7 or 8 odd billion of us!

But rather than give it away now, I’ll tell you in a couple of pages ;-) I would firstly like to apologise for Brian – our brother. I would like to say – token male, in this story, but sadly that’s not the case. He is in this too, and he swears a lot, and he’s not that particularly older than me (15). In place of such ‘sweary words’ however, I have utilised the term ‘sweary word’ and leave it up to you or your parent’s discretion whether you read the adult or children’s version of this book. The film might have the sweary words in it, at least some of them. It will be a 12A no doubt, as there is no s-e-x in it and only a little violence, compared to one of Brian’s Playstation games anyway. But we all probably know what I will be talking about. We are children (or adults) after all. What do the adults think we do in the playground all day, assuming we’re allowed out – play?! We gossip, just like all you adults. And swear. Though I don’t swear that much. Not as much as Brian anyway. Actually Anna and me combined don’t swear as much as Brian (sorry, used two actuallys in that sentence – probably not good grammar, and not too sure about the ‘s’ on the end).

I’m Charlie by the way, not quite the light-footed Parody at this stage – Charlene for the first day at school, weddings, funerals and court appearances only. I think mam and dad thought about going through the alphabet but thankfully stopped at ‘C’. The cat is called Dipstick, the dog is Erik the Red and we did have a rabbit called Fuzzbuster (I picked that name but not sure what that was based on) but she died. I don’t know if Erik the Red had anything to do with it but he did like gazing fondly into Fuzz’s wee cage!

Here is my story. It’s when bis sis, big bruv and little sis Marshall saved the world. For the time being anyway…

Why have we emptied the wardrobe again? I asked, again. She had told me, but it was a bit like maths – it just wasn’t getting through the barrier! Maths wasn’t my strong point, ultimately I just wasn’t interested in it. Why don’t the teacher’s believe you when you tell them this? Or your parents? Though technically, dad did. I don’t think he liked maths either, which is totally different from arithmetic!

She regarded me with that ‘trodden on poo’ look she’d perfected, ever since she’d been chasing me in the back garden and trodden on…well. I think Erik the Red kept out of the way that morning! And it was such a lovely shoe ;-) Heehee, I didn’t tell her that of course.

If she was going to have to explain this to me again, my neck was going to get choked. She looked at all the clothes on the bed. Maybe she was going to smother me instead? Not my fault. It was a very heavy subject to take in on a Sunday morning!

Because, if it doesn’t work, I need to close the doors to hold in the Magick, she explained, slowly and calmly for the ‘dummy’ (me) to understand. Added a ‘k’ there as it’s a special kind of Magick, nudge nudge, wink, wink!!

And closing the doors of a wardrobe dad made up will do that? There were times when even I knew I should just keep my smart ass mouth shut. Thankfully dad was nowhere in sight – on the golf course I believe (and probably swearing!).

Yes.

"And why am I here again, exactly? Thought I might as well clarify that one too. I was the kid in class who asked questions when she didn’t understand. That’s why I was there after all. Other so-called classmates might laugh at me (and often did!) at times but I was the student getting the 90 odd percent in everything! ;-) Obviously apart from maths which, as mentioned previously, I just didn’t get! And English, because no-one gets high marks in English, apparently!

For someone who’s meant to be a smart ass, you’re a bit of a div!

I’m only 13. I have time on my side! I pointed out.

Yes, and that mouth of yours will get you in trouble one of those days, in the near future!

It already has. On numerous occasions too I might add. Not sure if there should be an extra ‘o’ there (in too) but putting one there anyway.

I blame mum and dad. They should never have given you books to read. They should just have given you a ‘sweary word’ Sindy doll and told you to shut up and go play in a cupboard somewhere!

Yeah well, tough cookies. They did. And a library ticket and internet access. And they even sent me to school to learn more. What a cruel pair?! They even ask me how I’m getting on at said school.

I sat back down on the bed and played with the arm of a pretty white blouse, with a little frilly (not overly so) neckline and looked at big sis with the practiced eye of little sis looking at big sis.

You’re here for support. I’m fed up doing this on my own, was what she said, pointing at me, as if there was anyone else in the room. Though she did hesitate and almost grumble there for about two nanoseconds, as if she might have said something else. Or was hiding something?

How much use can a 13 year old be? I queried, not really clocking the ‘fed up doing this on my own’ bit.

A smart 13 year old, possibly a micro genius. And anyway, I only need you to make me feel better if…

Micro genius? What’s that when it’s at home? A small genius. Is she questioning my height? I’ll have her know I’m the second tallest in my class! If Beanpole Brown does actually break one of these days, I will be the tallest! If…?

She hesitated. Anything goes…not right.

As in…rong?

Right.

As in ‘rong’. Oh no, better not go there! If you’re getting nervous, maybe we should get Brian. He knows Judo and, if anything does go wrong, we can blame him and mam and dad can lose all 3 of their children!

Who says I’m nervous?

You’re humming show tunes!

I’m not… She was!

Calamity Jane. Doris Day. The deadwood stage coming on over the hill malarkey. Oh dear, even I knew the tune. What has mam done to us? She likes all those old films, and makes us watch them. Tis child cruelty you know. Forget what I said about them being great parents earlier.

She was thinking. For what seemed like a minute but was probably closer to 7 seconds. Go and get him then.

BR----I----A----N!!! I didn’t bother standing up, but I think she actually physically shirked away. My wee body could put out a lot of noise when it wanted to.

W--H----I------T? emanated from somewhere else in the house.

COM----E’RE! I shrieked again.

Thump, thump, thump, and another few thumps as he thumped along from his bedroom, probably about 10 yards away to us. Quite obedient at times though, for a brother.

Whit? he demanded, bursting through the door.

Close the door, Anna ordered.

He stared at her (would say gormlessly but better not since he might read this), then me, then the clothes, then the wardrobe, then Anna, then me again, then somewhere else. That wardrobe still weighs a ton. I’m not moving it!

Close the door, sit down and shut up, Anna ordered again.

He sulked for 2 seconds, thought about leaving, decided against it (Anna stared at him again) and sat down next to me.

Charlie, explain to badger brains here, Anna ordered, yet again. Think I need another word for ‘ordered’. Commanded is too strong. And the thesaurus is a bit rubbish so will leave it as ordered (again). Obviously though, General Anna, Lieutenant Charlie and Lance-corporal Brian.

I explained, as best I could, on my understanding on all Anna had told me in the last 30 minutes regarding the sun, the universe and the fate of all human kind.

"Anna, the oldest here so technically the most sensible person in this room, thinks she is the Champion of a God (note Capitals and italics), who has been talking to her through her dreams. She has apparently completed a short, introductory training session and has been issued with a certificate CERTIFICATING that she is now a Novice God’s Champion (Not a Novice God’s - Champion but a Novice of a God’s Champion). And, wait for it (it gets good here), is about to tear (note italics) a hole in the fabric of Time (note Capital) via the back end of an Argos wardrobe, built up by dad, and I believe you held some screws and made a mess with the glue."

Aw cool, Brian nodded, rubbing his hands together, almost excited. Is this going to take long. It’s rolls on sausage for lunch.

Methinks he did not believe a single word I said. Not sure of the timeline, I answered. Could have eaten a nice roll on sausage (for explanatory purposes this is a sausage with a roll, or indeed a roll with a sausage within it) though. I wonder if we can do this after lunch? I didn’t say that out loud!

Stuff your roll on sausage! Anna cursed, obviously ‘stuff’ being used in the bad sense of the word. Wonder if I could suggest right after lunch then? Giving her a quick glance, best not to mention the ‘L’ word.

Then what are we going to do? Brian asked next.

Save the world, dude, I told him, with a lot more oomph than I would have thought possible.

Ah, cool.

Ah cool. Aw cool. Cool was the ‘in’ word of the week I believed.

Did she steal this idea out of the Narnia books? he continued, nudging me, as we both watched Anna do…something or other.

The significance of the wardrobe has not gone amiss, I remarked. Apparently, as we have no spare room, she has had to utilise the materials at her disposal, which in this case, is a wardrobe.

Are we going to another world or doing a Terminator, and doing this world in another time frame? Are we gonna come out naked on the other side?

He sounded shocked at that potential realisation. And so did I for a short period of time before I realised that the chances of Anna succeeding in rippling a hole in Time in the wardrobe were probably quite slim. The fear of the nakedness dissolved away.

I’m not exactly sure where we will end up, Anna surprisingly answered, turning. She still sounded serious, as if it was all going to happen. A few murmurings under her breath, some hand signals, a little bit of yoga chanting. I think if it was that easy we’d all be ripping holes in Time!!

She stepped forwards and sat down on the other side of me. I think we were sitting staring at the wardrobe like the 3 Stooges, if I knew who the 3 Stooges were. Even if I didn’t, I could imagine this is how they would be sitting with the one with the big cigar waving it around whilst raising both eyebrows. Or was it one eyebrow? Were they even his eyebrows? Or was that someone else? Obviously it would be in black and white too ;-)

There wasn’t a great deal happening. She seemed to have chalked a line up the middle of the back of the wardrobe, from top to bottom, with little squiggly symbols running up and down either side. Probably some sort of runic thing? They didn’t even look Egyptian (can’t spell Heiroglyphics??). Or are runes Viking anyway? Or maybe some lost language of the Gods heeheehee. I really shouldn’t be laughing.

You went down the left and up the right, didn’t you? I had observed. Is that significant?

Is how DNA replicates, she said.

DNA. The stuff that we’re made of. Very small. That was my sum knowledge and I think I got that off Jurassic Park. Was bit heavy for me though. I glimpsed Brian out of the corner of my eye, all wild-eyed and bemused-looking. Bit too heavy for him too methinks, though he reads all those science books – he should know what she’s talking about. And he’s doing human biology, as opposed to plant biology.

Should it be doing something? I asked, coz well…it wasn’t.

It is doing something, she told us.

I squinted, both of us, before looking at each other and shaking our heads. Nothing going on there that a big damp cloth wouldn’t fix!

No-one said anything for a wee while. We simply stared, like watching paint dry only it was chalk and dry a few minutes ago. I still didn’t know how chalk and diamonds were related but that was where my head was taking me. Brian’s head had probably shut down. I was trying to avoid Anna’s head at all costs. I could picture my diary entry tonight, assuming I did one – A bit of a strange day. Anna went bonkers, Brian and me watched. Missed our roll on sausage!

More wee whiles past. It was a little bit indefinable. Anything between 1 minute and 5 minutes (so obviously not that indefinable) but couldn’t say exactly. I think I went numb all over. Anna muttered ‘wait’ a few times, so we did but still…’waste of sweary word time’, as mouthed by Brian.

Then something fizzed. Brian swore again, louder this time, and with feeling. I felt like joining him too as it was a bit of an unnatural fizz, as fizzes go and besides, from my point of view (looking straight at the back of the wardrobe), I could see what was fizzing and there were no carbonated drinks within sight!

It was the big chalky line! And, as well as fizzing, it seemed to be smoking. And there were little sparkly bits there too. And all the weird symbols to either side appeared to be heating up, going a sort of electric blue colour and potentially burning into the wardrobe.

Had Anna found that old chemistry kit in the loft? Had she actually opened it? Were we being taken for a ride in a unicorn here? This wasn’t like her though. Too much thought had gone into it. She wouldn’t have been able to keep a straight face that long. She was more a ‘stick a fart cushion’ under your bum kinda jokester.

I jumped suddenly. Causing Brian too inadvertently jump (sweary words ensued of course). Anna had laid her hand on mine but it was Magnum Ecuador-dark freezing cold!

I looked at her out of the corner of my eye. A sense of foreboding kinda befell me, if such a thing was possible. It was as if something inordinately ‘Earthy’ had changed. Still fizzing (as was Brian but more in a holy moly kinda way), Anna’s eyes were closed but her mouth was moving, about the only bit of her that was, and it was in that ‘having a conversation’ kinda moving!

Brian, I whispered.

No Answer. Not him too. No, he was still profligating (good word, eh?) (have to remember and look it up and see what it means the next time I have a chance) and staring at the fizzing, burning wardrobe, which was intensifying in its fizzing and burning-ness.

Brian… I whispered again, louder this time though.

What? he whispered back.

Anna has went a bit cold and zombie-like!

He stretched his head and body around me to take a look. Just stand up and move you oaf!

Anna’s hand had now taken mine completely in hers and, to compensate, I grabbed Brian’s. Maybe he couldn’t move? I, certainly, was having some difficulty in the subject – moving that is. Or should that have been the object? At least the brain still seemed to be working. Only not as quickly as normally. Or maybe this was my normal speed? In which case, I’d been living abnormally fast these last few years!

I was beginning to feel cold now. And dizzy. Can you get dizzy with the cold? Was the fizzy making me dizzy? Was everyone else (ie, the other two) dizzy? Did I need another word for ‘dizzy’? And ‘fizzy’? I could go with ‘head spinning’ for ‘dizzy’ and ‘sparkling’ for ‘fizzy’. Sorted. Only I still couldn’t move. And no-one (including me) had uttered a sound in the past few seconds.

Something was happening with the wardrobe. Could probably do with another word for that too but that was what it was! Clothing cabinet maybe at a push but sounded a bit stupid.

Everything’s going to be ok, Anna said, relaxing her hold on me. She stood up and stepped towards that thing that it was – the wardrobe!

We watched as she hunkered down on the floor and ran her hand up and down the chalk line (was still sparkling) (though I think fizzing was probably more apt) like it was, I dunno, some sort of pet. She was still mumbling inaudibly away too though it felt as if she was in some sort of soothing mode.

Turning round, she looked at us both, shell-shocked we no doubt appeared.

It worked, she smiled, a grin big enough to make a grown man go weak at the knees (dad’s description of her smile – wasn’t totally sure what it actually meant though think it had something to do with her being attractive to boys, or in this case, men). However, I didn’t get it! She wore glasses, her hair was a mess, her fashion sense is zero and she hadn’t had a boyfriend to my knowledge, ever. I would question dad’s knowledge on such things but he said it as if he meant it. I think he saw it as some sort of teenage ugly duckling thing though those teenagers tended to be really pretty with glasses and their hair tied up in a ponytail! She did have boobs which