The 2012 Collected Works of OJ Wolfsmasher

By OJ Wolfsmasher

Constantly updated throughout 2012 by Bard and Book Publishing, this collection of OJ Wolfsmasher's witty and insightful short stories and commentary is sure to delight.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Bard and Book
• Release date: Jan 6, 2012
• ISBN: 9781465700520

Book preview

The 2012 Collected Works of OJ Wolfsmasher

By OJ Wolfsmasher

Smashwords Edition

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Copyright OJ Wolfsmasher 2012. All Rights Reserved

Published by Bard and Book Publishing

Website: www.bardandbook.com

Cover by Julius Broqueza.

Contents

How Bard and Book Publishing's Collected Works Anthologies Work

Helmets Do Not Expand with Heads

First and Ten

Second and Eight

First and Ten from the Washington 39

Second and Eight

Questions for a Culture That Has Closed its Mind

The Cancer Cure

The Politics of Catching Dogs

The Credible Flying Man

Variable Persons

The Chocolate Bar

Curiosity Does Something To (what else) The Cat

A Moose in a Tree Falls Straight Down

Walter's Graduation

Love Can Be Scary

1. The Meet Cute

2. Bait

3. Night Boat

4. Bait Again, For Real This Time

Zombiez!

Prologue: The Idiot

I

The Crazy Lady

The Scientist

The Congressman

II

Irishman

Mr. Sunglasses

Crazy Lady II

The Congressman II

III

Epilogue: The Idiot II

How Bard and Book Publishing's Collected Works Anthologies Work:

Bard and Book Publishing offers authors' short stories for free to reader-subscribers. Each time an author releases a new completed work, this anthology is updated to reflect the new content. Content can include short stories, poems, plays, or full length novels. To obtain an updated edition, you merely need to go back to the original Smashword's page, and provided you have already purchased the work, Smashwords will allow you to re-download the new version. This applies even if you have 'purchased' the book via coupons issued only to Bard and Book reader-subscribers. For more information visit: http://www.bardandbook.com.

HELMETS DO NOT EXPAND WITH HEADS

FIRST AND TEN ¹

Late FFN Addendum/Disclaimer: In endnote #8, lovingly cupping the larger man's buttocks should read lovingly cupping near the larger man's buttocks. Sorry for the confusion this would have caused had I not added this note.

Mark stood with his facemask ² mere inches from the neutral zone ³, trying his best to seem interested in the first play of this drive. Coach had called yet another handoff ⁴, the perpetually destined-to-fail halfback off left tackle, and he was lined up way on the right side of the field. His job was to look straight ahead and block the guy in front of him, who would only end up near ball carrier Dedrick Decker if Decker broke a big gain and cut way right. This was something which hardly ever happened and probably wouldn't this time, considering Decker's slow, plodding running style. Mark's mind was preoccupied, and he was trying not to betray this fact to anyone. He desperately wished the coach had called a pass play. There was a mere 2:15 left in the half ⁵, and he had not yet caught a pass.

He had been in NFL games like this before, ones where he was shut out in the first half. Usually, it was because they were using him as a decoy to free up other receivers – he was, after all, the undisputed #1 receiver on his team, and a threat to score every time he touched the ball (or so he thought his reputation stated; in truth, many scouts saw him as just an above-average NFL player who happened to be the best wide receiver on his team ⁶). This time, however, it had nothing to do with the game plan. For most of the day, Mark just couldn't get open. And the few times he did, his quarterback wasn't passing him the ball. It didn't occur to him to be annoyed by this until just now, as he was standing at the cusp of the neutral zone at his own 20-yard-line ⁷. This was not just another NFL game; this was the first game after he signed his big contract extension with Washington, the extension which made him one of the highest-paid wide-receivers in the league.

As he stood there waiting for the borderline-geriatric (by NFL quarterback standards) Andy Pietz to call the third "hut ⁸" and thereby initiate the doomed off-tackle run, he couldn't help but think about what the announcers and studio analysts would say about his catchless half. They would probably play a montage of Mark being covered well by the Dallas secondary and not getting separation from any of the defenders. Mark would see this as unfair criticism, because in his mind he was always one play away from becoming the hero. The actual words in that thought did not cross his mind, it was more like the idea was ingrained in him from years of being the best player on the field and having everyone tell him so. Failure might happen, but even after it does, it is not considered a real possibility. Not only did he feel this way, he assumed that everyone on his team and the opposing team felt the exact same way (about themselves). If you openly thought about failing, I mean ever, you were considered flawed or weird. If, post-failure, you considered what the failure meant (i.e., not that much) in the grand scheme of things, you were considered unmotivated and soft as a marshmallow. Such was life as a professional athlete in a multi-billion-dollar fan-based business.

So there would be the montage of him not getting open. Mark played it on the TV in his head. The cornerback who was covering him for most of the day was a 3-time Pro-Bowler named Mardus Causewell; there was no shame in failing to get separation from him, since he ran a 4.3 forty ⁹ and knew how to use it. Most receivers did not succeed against The Cause. That didn't matter much to Mark, though, because of the whole one play away from heroism thing. Besides, he could think of nothing right now but that multi-year eye-popping contract, dripping with (in Mark's mind, well-deserved) respect, and the helmet-crushing pressure it carried. And no cornerback, no matter how good, was going to make him look bad. Not this week.

Speaking of helmets, Mark became aware of a mumbly murmur attacking his helmet's earhole underneath the roar of the crowd. Causewell was talking to him with his mouthpiece in again. He wasn't easy to understand even with nothing impeding his speech (due to a pronounced N'awlins drawl), so there's no way Mark could have any idea what he was saying. Causewell was getting animated, and closer, and was clearly (in Mark's mind) mocking him for not having a catch yet. The low murmur of the cornerback's taunting coupled with the receiver's sudden insecurity made it difficult to count huts. Had there been 4 of them, or just 3? He cursed under his breath. At least this wasn't a pass play, thought Mark.

There had been 4. The center snapped the ball to Pietz, who turned and handed off to running back Dedrick Decker, who angrily took the ball into his gut and ran into a semi-nonexistent hole as Mark tried to recover from totally missing the snap count. In the split-second Mark stood flat-footed counting huts, Causewell had sprinted to the opposite side of the field, abandoning his post and pursuing the ball carrier in what was obviously a running play. Mark ran after him, but was not about to compound his obvious lack of readiness with a clipping penalty ¹⁰. Decker hit the mass of humanity in front of him with his trademark militaristic gusto, and gained two yards on a play where a lesser running back might have only gained one-and-a-half.

The whistles blew, and Mark headed over to the sidelines for the two-minute warning ¹¹. Pietz moseyed his old-man body over to coach for a strategy session, and all the other offensive players stood on the sidelines ostensibly together but alone with their respective thoughts. Dedrick Decker sat in a chair with a towel on his head, not even wanting to deal with his teammates or their crap today. Mark looked back at the solitary figure and wondered why Dedrick could seem so gregarious and happy on occasion, but was so sullen and stand-offish most of the time. The answer, of course, is Dedrick's decades-long struggle with undiagnosed bipolar disorder, but there's no way Mark could allow himself to know about any of that. To him, mental problems were all in the mind, and that meant he could overcome them by just thinking differently. Take his current situation, for example. Mark knew his catchlessness during the first 28 minutes of this game was completely unrelated to his contract signing, no matter what those hater announcers might claim in a video montage (and, really, the announcers would probably never mention the contract thing – but that wouldn't keep the viewers at home from thinking about it). So he just had to forget the haters existed, and just go out and play. That these thoughts of his are cliche'd, and meaningless, and ultimately keeping him from internal human growth and understanding – this never crosses Mark's mind. He's just trying to get his head right with football during game day. Everything else takes a back seat, because this is how he gets paid.

And football being the way it is, Mark hasn't had the chance for an actual meaningful internal monologue on any of his issues since he became a football star in 5th grade. Since that time, the only parent-type figures he's had have been football coaches. Is it any wonder he's strong at self-motivation and overcoming mental obstacles, and weak at understanding anything that doesn't lead to yardage gains and touchdowns? As he stood staring