Ed The Elf: Collection #2 (Stories 5-8)

By Laura Fantasia

Santa’s Factory (Ed The Elf #5)
Ed Hendricks is in Alaska to manage a struggling factory. Unfortunately, the team he expected turn out to be more trouble than he could ever imagine. Can Ed turn the factory around and going crazy in the process?

Santa’s Stolen Suit (Ed The Elf #6)
Someone has stolen Santa's oldest suit and Ed is determined to get it back and receive the cash reward. However, an enemy from his past comes back for a bloody reunion. Can Ed succeed in returning the suit and keeping his life?

Kids Attack (Ed The Elf #7)
Being Santa's helper was never an easy job, but when a group of kinds decide they are going to crush the elf, Ed finds himself in serious danger. Can he outrun the kids and what surprises does Santa have up his sleeve?

The Jesus Bomb (Ed The Elf #8)
Jesus has come for revenge and he has two targets: Ed and Santa. With Ed racing across the city, dark angels and traitorous elves running a muck, it's going to be a hard for Ed to win against these odds and save the company and the man who have become such important parts of his life.

Contents:
Word Count Total: 33,000
Word Count Ed the Elf: 13,000
Word Count Kill Box: 20,000
(Contains the collection Kill Box as a special Christmas gift from Lunatic Ink Publishing.)

Titles In This Series:
# Strippers And Stockings (Ed The Elf #1)
# The Jesus Race (Ed The Elf #2)
# Saving Ed (Ed The Elf #3)
# Elf Promotion (Ed The Elf #4)
# Santa’s Factory (Ed The Elf #5)
# Santa’s Stolen Suit (Ed The Elf #6)
# Kids Attack (Ed The Elf #7)
# The Jesus Bomb (Ed The Elf #8)
# Boardroom Ed (Ed The Elf #9)
# Old School Elf (Ed The Elf #10)
# Elf Finale (Ed The Elf #11)
# Santa’s Savior (Ed The Elf #12)

Collections:
-- Ed The Elf: Collection #1 (Stories 1-4)
-- Ed The Elf: Collection #2 (Stories 5-8)
-- Ed The Elf: Collection #3 (Stories 9-12)

Total Packages
Ed The Elf: The Total Package (Stories 1-12)

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lunatic Ink Publishing
• Release date: Dec 21, 2011
• ISBN: 9781465737984

Laura Fantasia

Laura Fantasia is a pen name of Kenneth Guthrie of Lunatic Ink Publishing.

Book preview

Ed pulled his coat closer. It was winter in Alaska and the parking lot outside of the factory was frozen solid.

He reached for the handle and stopped. Is that rap music?

He opened the door and found the strangest group of elves he had ever seen in his life beebopping in the middle of the freezing cold factory.

What the heck is going on? he mumbled under his breath.

As Ed had understood it his workers were a bunch of old elves on their way to retirement. Here were several young elves with bandanas and multicolored camouflage ski suits.

YO! one of them cried out when they noticed him standing there, Cut the music.

A hard looking elf with a big scar across his face flipped the stop button on the ancient stereo.

Who da fuck are you? their dark haired leader asked.

They spread out in a ring around him.

I’m Ed. The new supervisor.

A short skinny elf strode over and loomed over him.

Sure you are.

A tall one came over and pushed him hard.

Ouch, that hurt.

He was pushed back by an elf on the other side.

Ed was in trouble. These elves were nothing like the workers that he was expecting to meet.

STOP!

The elves immediately slid back and let off shoving Ed as an elderly elf who must have been well past 600 years old stepped through the manager’s door above them.

Grandad. This prick says he’s the new supervisor.

Ed met the eyes of the older elf above him.

He is. Now leave him alone and get back to work. Break time is over.

The elves pushed past Ed and went over to their work stations around the big factory. Ed didn’t know what to make of it. This was not what he heard about at all.

Come up here, young one. I have cider and a few cookie donuts from town.

Ed picked up his dropped duffle bag and walked past the elves, who gave him angry stares. The old man led him inside his office.

You’ll have to excuse my grandson. The boy wants to be top dog, but he’s much too young for that responsibility.

That’s ok. We were all young once, Ed said sitting down in front of the desk.

You’ll have to excuse me, the old man said, I know you were probably expecting something quite different, but I promise you that what you see it was needed.

Ed looked the elf over. He had the experienced appearance of a long time worker in the Great Santa Corporation and a strong face that spoke of hard times fought off with sheer willpower.

What do you mean?

A few years ago the company put a stop on new hires for the factory. They wanted to downsize the work force enough to make it viable to close this place down.

The elf pointed to a few pictures on the wall. Some of them were of younger versions of the elf sitting here, but there were other elves as well.

They are all dead now. The elves you saw outside are their grandsons.

You hired their grandsons and kept the payments coming under their grandfather’s names?

I did.

Ed looked out the window. This place must have been in worse trouble than he had thought if they were willing to go this far to protect the factory.

And what are they going to do when you die one day? Your grandson doesn’t seem like he is ready for leadership… A little too spirited, you might say.

The old man smiled.

I was hoping that you might be able to solve that for me.

Ed chuckled.

I’m here for a year or two until I can get this place up to standard. After that I want to return to headquarters.

So you might, but I have heard about you. You were the one that cleaned out those problems with the sales and accounting department. Old Henry said you were an honest man.

Elves usually knew about the myth that he had drugged Rudolf, something that he was going to have to pay Jesus back, it was rare to find someone that had inside knowledge like this.

So what do you want me to do?

The old man winked.

Fix us up.

Ed looked back towards the door. The rap music was on again. Could he really do anything to make this situation any better? He looked back at the elf sitting behind the desk. He would do his best. That was all he could offer.

*****

No, don’t do it like that. Like this, Ed said for the fifteenth time in 10 days.

The boys were strong and good workers when they worked, but they lacked the hardened experience of manufacturing workers. Each movement they made needed to be efficient and effective. Fast production was as simple as being the most efficient at your job. Youths just didn’t get that.

I know. Stop nagging me, Clarence said in his whiny little voice.

It was hard to believe that one that looked this tough had that type of voice. The mental image it inspired was of a five year old screaming for his mother. Ed wondered what luck the youngster was having with the females with a voice like that.

I’m helping, not nagging, Ed said, Now, try again.

He had been schooling them ever since he got here. Old Browny, the manager, had told him that one of their biggest problems was productions skills. Ed was determined to change that.

ED!

He looked up to see Matt, Browny’s grandson, holding up some paper.

I can’t figure it out!

Ed rolled his eyes. The kid had to be the worst of them. He couldn’t work the line well enough and he was horrible at paperwork. Ed was having trouble figuring out what to do with him. If this had been a regular factory then Ed would have had him cleaning toilets.

Ok, I’m coming.

Dragging himself up the steps, he walked through the door. Browny watched in amusement as he sat Matt down at the desk and set to explaining to Matt the finer points of accounting.

It was going to be a long day.

*****

Ed got to work at 6:00am sharp as was his custom.

Ed, granddad hasn’t come to work yet, Matt called to him from the office.

That was odd. The old man turned up around 4:00am and left around 10:00pm every day. He was as regular as the clock striking midnight.

Ed turned around and walked out the door. Maybe something was wrong.

*****

Browny lived in a small hovel on the edge of the little elf town. Ed had been here a few times and knew that the elf didn’t lock his doors.

He stepped inside.

Browny, it’s Ed, he called out, Are you alive?

There was no reply.

Ed felt a shot of fear run through him. Browny was 653 years old. He could be lying dead in his bed for all Ed knew.

There was a cough from the kitchen. Ed rushed inside expecting to find Browny on the floor in a pool of vomit and blood.

What he found wasn’t so far off.

You look like you’re about to die. What’s up?

Browny looked over to where Ed was standing and pointed to something on the table.

We are being audited.

Ed cringed. That wasn’t good. If the auditors found out that Browny had been fluffing the books in regards to who he was paying to do what then they would all be in serious trouble.

Let me see.

Ed picked it up.

Holy shit!

Exactly.

The Great Santa Corporation was sending their top auditor: Jip Blinks.

Ed sat down beside Browny. He guessed they would probably look like a good pair if someone walked through the door right now. Ed felt like he was going to die too.

*****

The youngsters shuffled about. They didn’t like hearing what was going on any more than Ed and Browny had.

Can’t we just be honest about our situation? Clarence asked.

Everyone gave him angry looks. They all knew that head office would have a field day if they found out what was going on here. Fessing up was not going to work.

I think that might not be a good idea, Ed said shuffling some of the papers he had laid out.

Then what are we going to do, Skinny Bob said.

Browny looked at Ed.

You tell them.

We have two options: We can close the factory down and avoid the audit, you lose your jobs, but none of us go to jail, or we fix the problems that this place has and hope the burst of production is enough to get them to look over our other ‘problems’.

Ed looked them each in the eyes.

I want a show of hands. Who’s for giving up?

Not a single hand went up.

I thought you might say that.

He reached under the desk.

In that case, I have a plan.

Some of them chuckled. They were liking this already.

*****

Everyone put in an effort over the next few days. The whole team worked non-stop, sleeping in shifts up in the office. It was wonderful to see elves working together like this. In the bigger factories, employees often worked alone at their stations. The youngster’s team work was something quite special.

The day before the big audit came and everyone was ready. Ed had them all assembled out front.

Where’s Browny? Ed asked.

No one knew. None of them remembered seeing him after lunch.

He’s probably just taking a crap. You know how his constipation can be.

Ed put on his hat with its supervisor level 3 badge and went around back of the factory to the small outside