Forum Rejects: Rejected Penthouse Forum Letters

By PriveCo Inc.

"He is either a complete moron or a comedic genius" - Fark.com

For years humorist Tom Nardone mailed a salvo of the world's worst erotic letters to Penthouse Forum. None were ever published or even officially rejected. Frustrated, Nardone leaked his work to the Internet where they have received critical acclaim and over 1,000,000 page views.

This collection includes his ten best rejected erotic stories. Read them to see how a simple subject like Penthouse Letters can be dismantled and reassembled as a truly funny genre. Forum Rejects is the perfect quick read for people who secretly enjoy erotica and irreverent humor.

Here is an excerpt from "Louise at The Circus"
I worked with Louise in a small office. The sexual revolution was in full swing then and Lou was always going braless. It used to drive me wild to see her great globes beneath the tight stretch material of her blouse. I used to imagine her breasts where two really fat elephants and her blouse was a circus tent that had collapsed. Damn if those fat elephants were trying to get out from under that blousy tent.
One time while masturbating I imagined that I was an elephant tamer and I was prodding and poking those elephants with my elephant tamer tool. I imagined that if I managed to free those fat elephants from that circus tent that I would give them a good hosing down. You know that elephants like to be washed down and Louise’s fat elephant breast would probably like it too.

Here is an excerpt from "Working Late"
It was going to be a late day at the office. Our HTML directory had become mixed up with the sectors that control the server farm. We were sunk.
Becky and I would have to spend the entire evening loading 8 1/2 inch floppy disks into the hard drive. This was going to take forever. "What a bitch" I exclaimed. Becky sat up straight in her airfoil office chair. "Not you" I said with a laugh "This assignment is going to take all night." I'll be up until 3 in the morning doing it.
"I wish I could have a man that would stay up until 3 in the morning doing it" Becky said. She was a heck of a tease. I told her that if she stayed here with me I would do my best to keep it going. Becky thought that would be fun. We quickly grabbed the bottle of French bourbon that I keep in my desk for late night work.
After a few drinks and few floppy disks had been magnafluxed we were having a good time. Becky wanted to talk about which of the office girls had the nicest breasts. Everyone in the office knew that Becky did. I guess she was just insecure. I told her that I thought she had the nicest breasts in the office. Becky asked if I wanted to see them. "I sure do" I said. Becky unbuttoned her blouse and let her breast free. They were fantastic. She was probably about 110 lbs and 36-24-42DD with Oreolas the size of a silver dollar.

• Language: English
• Publisher: PriveCo Inc.
• Release date: Sep 28, 2011
• ISBN: 9780983563938

PriveCo Inc.

Readerotica publishes free erotica for your kindle, Nook, iPad, or other e-reader. Readerotica takes advantage of the private nature of reading erotic stories on your Kindle. Unlike a regular book, your Kindle does not disclose its contents so you can privately and discreetly read anything you like. Reading erotic fiction on your eReader or tablet is a wonderful and somewhat modern way to misbehave.

Book preview

Forum Rejects – 10 Rejected Penthouse Forum Letters

By Tom Nardone

Published by Smashwords

Introduction: Long ago I decided it would be fun to write jokes. So, I literally bought a book about writing jokes. Surprisingly, it worked. One of the things I learned was to find a topic that everyone is familiar with and then turn that topic on its ear.

I soon chose Penthouse Letters as my topic because almost everyone has heard of them and once you’ve read one, you can guess the rest of them. Even when a penthouse letter tries to be serious, it is somewhat funny. I decided to take the process one step further.

I began writing ridiculous letters to Penthouse. I thought it would be funny to track the letter I wrote with what (if anything) was published. I even created a website to capture the process. I figured whether I received a rejection letter or a $50 check, it would be hilarious.

Unfortunately, not much happened. Penthouse just ignored my work. I never found out if they laughed, grunted, or hated my letters. Meanwhile, the website started to spread through word of mouth. ForumRejects.com has had over 1 Million visitors and has garnered praise worldwide for its sheer weirdness. So, after some mild success with another eReader project I decided to revise my Forum Rejects project and create a digital book. I hope you will appreciate my rejected Penthouse Forum Letters.

Letter #1 - Valentine's Day

I wanted to write a letter to The Forum to describe a unique Valentine’s Day experience I had. It was February 14th and some unattached friends and I were at a local bar. We were sharing a few drinks when I noticed an attractive blond woman at the bar. I am a fairly good looking guy