THE RISE OF PODCAST PORN

I’m in the kitchen, slicing eggplant and listening to Tulum, a story being broadcast from my iPhone about Cee Cee and Noah, an American couple who’ve just arrived at their Mexican hotel.

“This place is insane,” declares the actress playing Cee Cee, who is raspy and slightly smug-sounding. “Noah walked ahead of me into a giant room, absently dropping his bag off his shoulders to the floor. It was a tree house on the beach with dark-wood floors and furniture made with what looked like twisted driftwood.”

Wait, where’s the pause button? I’m listening to Dipsea, a new app that – according to the blurb – delivers “sexy audio stories that set the mood”. But this is more like a travel brochure than the smut I was hoping for.

I press play again and, while searching for coriander, listen to Cee Cee rave about the hot tub on the deck overlooking the white-sand beach. Finally Noah starts running his fingers up and down Cee Cee’s spine under her T-shirt. This is a bit more like it. He carries her to “our palatial bed”. Hooray!

But then … fade out. Next thing I know, Cee Cee is waking up. By now, I’m stir-frying paneer and thinking