Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Written by Lundy Bancroft

Narrated by Peter Berkrot

He says he loves you. So...why does he do that? You've asked yourself this question again and again. Now you have the chance to see inside the minds of angry and controlling men—and to change your life. In this groundbreaking book, a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men shows you how to improve, survive, or leave an abusive relationship. You will learn about:



—The early warning signs



—Ten abusive personality types



—The role of drugs and alcohol



—What you can fix, and what you can't



—How to get out of a relationship safely

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tantor Media, Inc
• Release date: Jun 30, 2011
• ISBN: 9781452673448

Reviews for Why Does He Do That?

[G · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Essential information for every person on earth. This needs to be taught in every school, in every country and to every body.

[Rob · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This book was very enlightening. It has given me courage and understanding. I feel empowered.

[pancake98 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Read this book to protect yourself, your daughters, your sisters, mothers, and friends from abusers.

[Lilith Hecate · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I think every professional in the legal system from lawyers to Judges and everyone in between should be mandatory reading when dealing with family court and DV

[Kristin Kaminski · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Read his book, understand abuse. Even if you are not experiencing it. We can all help stop it. If you work with couples, families it should required reading. I am a psychologist and this should have been part of my schooling. I was caught in a verbally abusive relationship for too many years and if those around me had read this book or had I been asked to read it in school, I would have known sooner that it wasn't my fault.

[Amber Roloff · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I found this book to be immensely helpful and eye opening.

[Brianna Klein · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

An exceptional read that I would strongly encourage for all women--even if you think you haven't been abused.

[Wendy · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I left an emotionally destructive marriage after 29 years. Although there was never physical abuse there was emotional and verbal abuse.
This book has helped me identify and put words to the things I knew were wrong, but couldn't identify.

[Andrea · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This book changed my life, it gave me the gogles I needed to see the reality of my marriage and helped me see I wasn't crazy to think he was abusing me. Thank you to the author

[Joelle · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I wish for all the world that I knew how to say this effectively, simply, without airs, and in as few words as possible.

This book is good. It’s good because it’s effective, simple, without airs, and straightforward. Not a single sentence seems unnecessary. And the resultant clarity you gain is basically incontrovertible.

I can’t even remember why I picked up this book. Random Pinterest shout-out? Was it referenced in another book I was reading? No idea.

But I picked it up. Listened to it, technically. The audiobook is phenomenal. Whoever narrated it has such a good feel for emotions and voices.

So yeah. I think this book might’ve just changed my entire life trajectory.

[MollyB · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Ouch, this book hit close to home. Bancroft is unapologetic about his stance on Domestic Violence and non-judgmental to the survivors of it. I really appreciated the level of understanding which he held for those who have been through and and stayed longer than they're proud to admit.

[Tara Myers · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Everyone should read this book. Abuse is more than just physical and we all need to be able to recognize and play our parts in stopping this.

[castlelass · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Non-fiction about abusive thinking, and how an abuser uses power and control to dominate a partner. It also covers such topics as how to recognize an abuser, types of abuse, myths about abusive behavior, how to leave an abuser, and how the legal system may or may not help a victim. The author also makes a case for social changes needed to make abuse less prevalent. I thought it might cover the scientific research in the field, but it is mainly focused on the author’s extensive experience running programs to help people overcome abusive behavior. Unfortunately, successful outcomes are rare. Recommended to readers interested in psychology, human behavior, information on abusive relationships, therapists/counselors, or anyone connected to the legal or court system that could help in domestic abuse cases. This book provides many resources for obtaining assistance. I think it may also help early recognition of abuse to avoid further involvement.

[raggedyme · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This book should be required reading for everyone

I found this book very insightful. It perfectly describes the frustration involved when dealing with the multiple faces of manipulation. I highly recommend it for anyone who is suffering or has ever suffered, or who know someone who has suffered from abuse. It’s validating and informative and helps to scrub myths and wishful thinking from your mind.

[burritapal · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Abuser: men who chronically make their partners feel mistreated or devalued.

Whether you're favored or disdained,
nothing can leave you satisfied.
You whimper if you're turned away
you sneer if you've been gratified.
--Sor Juana

This review is by an ex-wife of an abuser, who still has to tolerate him in her life. I have studied abusers for many years, trying to find out why my ex-husband is such a miserable excuse for a husband. This author elaborated on some of the things I already know. I took the things that pertain most to my ex-husband, and made a document, titled Arnold the Abuser, Deconstructed. Every time this pathetic human tries to reduce me to tears, tries to scorn me, blabs on in his annoying manner about the way he is so much smarter than everyone else, I can turn to my Arnold the Abuser document and reread how he thinks of himself, how he came to be this way (machista father), and feel pity for the poor fool. Idiots who throw happiness away with both hands.

[jen6e6moore · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I've been fortunate enough never to have to deal with partner abuse in my life or the life of anyone close to me, but this is a fascinating, revealing book anyway. I was continually struck by Bancroft's radical compassion, his willingness to see the roots and supports of abuse in so many everyday situations, and his determination to dig them out. (He doesn't seem to believe that women can be abusers, and I'm willing to believe that that's true for the kind of abuse he's describing, which is very much a consequence of a misogynist, patriarchal culture. But just like people of color can be racist, women can be abusive, but it'll look different than it does coming from the culturally dominant force. Take this book as relevant to patriarchal abuse, and consider a different slant for dealing with female abusers.)

[rivkat_2 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Abuse is about entitlement, not anger. It results from misogynistic attitudes, not emotions. As a result, conventional therapy directed at understanding emotions won’t work and may be counterproductive. Abusers sssentially always engage in calculation: they can always answer questions like, you hit her, but why didn’t you break her bones? Why didn’t you kill her? So they don’t lose control entirely, but that explanation is very useful to them. Instead, they abuse because they think they're justified. Abusers believe they're entitled to all a partner's attention and efforts. As a result, any attempt to get him to consider her is an attack and an injury, to which he may justly respond with punishment.

I was incredibly struck by the similarities to other assertions of male privilege. It goes way beyond men thinking that women are dominating a conversation when they reach 30% participation (Bancroft points out that abusers think this because they think that zero participation is the appropriate level for women). Consider this Mother Jones story, where a gun advocate bullies deliberately while accusing his peaceful interlocutors of harming him:
Jones and his camera crew began cornering members of [Moms Demand Action]. The women told him they weren't interested in talking on camera, but he kept at it.

An older couple walked over to intervene, the man telling Jones, "A gun grab is something that nobody in this country wants." Jones got in the man's face, hands gesticulating, chest puffed out. "Well sir, all I can say is you're really gettin' in my space!"

"Well, why don't you back up?" the man said.

"No, I'm not gonna back up." Jones retorted, inching in closer. "You're the one got in my space." He glanced over to his camera crew. "Look at this, look at this guy."

The woman tried to pull her husband away. "All right, go ahead," Jones continued. "Listen, I don't want to beat an old guy up," he added, poking the man's chest. "So don't touch me."
I don’t doubt that Jones really believed that he was not the aggressor. That’s part of what makes him and people like him so dangerous: to him, everyone else—especially women—is asking for it.

[lauranav_1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

What a great book! I think all women should read this book, even those not in a relationship with an abusive man.

This book is written by a man who has worked with abusers for 15 years. He is writing to the partners (usually women) to help explain what abuse is, why someone who is abusive is different from someone who just needs some therapy, why it's so hard some times to get others to believe that great guy is abusive, and what to do next.

The book is well written. The explanation that abusive behavior is based on values and beliefs, not just bad emotional responses or anger management issues helps put make it clear why this is so dangerous and hard to "fix". He also addresses the good and the bad of the legal system and society in changing what is accepted.

I recommend this book to all women (you may have a friend who needs your support some day) and everyone in any form of law enforcement or court related positions, clergy, counselors, school teachers and counselors. Everyone would benefit from understanding more about what makes abusive men abusive and what can be done.