Tilly and Elmer's Carnal Calendar Series

Tilly and Elmer love to celebrate New Year’s Eve! They have several unmentionable traditions for this occasion, but the making of New Year’s resolutions with each other, in the company of a supply of strong drink, is one of their favorites. After realizing many years ago that their typical declarations had little likelihood of being adhered to, they turned the event into a game of who could make the most laughable and outrageous proposals. Neither expected the other to carry out any of these silly schemes, and yet ...

Elmer and Tilly have a tradition of trying to outdo each other with outrageous pranks on April Fools’ day and this year the unannounced contest is on again. Elmer strikes first, to modest effect, but when Tilly doesn’t respond in kind he begins to hope she has given up the game this year. And he forgets the game entirely when she announces that she is about to become the new sex advice columnist for the local newspaper, “The South Branch Sentinel.”

Valentine’s Day is coming, and Tilly is determined not to let it pass without a celebration this year! She’s ready to let her hair down and enjoy a wild, romantic night with Elmer, even at the risk of a scandal. Of course, they can’t get too wild in South Branch, the neighbors would talk, but what happens in St. Louis stays in St. Louis – or is that Las Vegas? Never mind! They are out to break the rules of polite society and get seriously naughty together; what could go wrong? As it turns out, a convergence of high libido and low sobriety leads to an incident – as it often does! Nevertheless, Tilly and Elmer do succeed in getting out of St. Louis without spending time in jail, and, they come home with a Valentine’s Day story they won’t be telling their grandchildren any time soon.

Tilly and Elmer have been married nearly fifty years, and by now their holiday celebrations typically conform to long-standing traditions. This is especially true for major holidays such as June 14th, “National Bourbon Day”! They have learned by trial and error that the festivities should begin with the “Celebration” and that they should save the consuming of whisky until afterward. The rainy weather threatens at first to dampen their preferred plans, but after fifty years together, they’ve learned to adapt their affection to the situation. “Bottoms up!”

Elmer is thrilled to be named to head up the annual Fourth of July Parade Committee by the mayor of South Branch! This doesn’t seem like a difficult position, until Elmer realizes that he will be in charge of selecting the young lady who will grace the Betsy Ross float, the centerpiece of the parade. The competition is fierce, and the young candidates and their overambitious mothers will stop at nothing to influence Elmer’s selection! Tilly believes Elmer is a little too fond of the unladylike attention these women sometimes lavish on him. Elmer feels it’s all in good fun. Fireworks ensue!

Every Summer, Tilly and Elmer attend the county fair, and their favorite fair activity is enjoying a ride on the Ferris Wheel where they reprise the immodest impropriety they couldn’t resist engaging in on this conveyance when they were young lovers. Apparently this somewhat public naughtiness has not gone out of fashion as they interrupt their naughty necking to look down and observe a currently young couple enjoying one another’s company in an even more shocking display of indecorum. You’ll have to read the story to find out how this leads Tilly to find herself alone at the top of the Ferris Wheel with the misbehaving minister, Reverend Goode.

The traditional South Branch High Labor Day picnic is atwitter with the news that their old classmate, Martha Darling, has come back from New York and is now the author of a best seller! Tilly and Martha rekindle their old friendship and are delighted with the reunion until Tilly, upon reading Martha’s book, begins to suspect that the steamy, best-selling, love story is based on an old crush Martha had on Elmer! Elmer is sure of it - and doesn’t see a problem, but Tilly knows this could turn into a stormy situation! Get out your umbrella and check out “Tilly and Elmer – And Martha!”

What would a Tilly and Elmer Christmas be without a minor mix up in communication? Tilly only has one item on her wish list, but letting Elmer know what it is without just telling him is, as usual, a difficult challenge. Hints only go so far, although Tilly doesn’t think even Elmer can miss this one. And Elmer is certain he is on the same page as Tilly. Of course, that’s what he thinks every year.

Tilly and Elmer have been married for fifty years! To mark the occasion, they have planned a grand celebration together; a romantic Caribbean cruise, where they can be alone together in a secret seagoing hideaway. They are all set for a glorious week of replaying the playful proceedings of their original honeymoon, in perhaps a slower but equally delightful tempo, when they find that their children and grandchildren plan to come along and celebrate with them! The cruise is loads of fun but finding their allotment of private time together is a challenge. Their grownup children have no idea that mom and dad are still interested in such shenanigans but when Tilly and Elmer eventually manage to steal away for an evening of nautical naughtiness the children find out that the old folks still know what makes the world go around!

Fifty-eight years to the day after their first kiss on the night of the 1961 Halloween dance at South Branch High, Tilly and Elmer now find themselves chaperoning this year’s edition of the big party. They’ve gotten pretty good at kissing since their first time, but on this particular evening, their attempt to reprise the kiss, not to mention several other delightful activities they’ve gotten good at since then, is interrupted by a frightening phenomenon! This spooky event causes both of them to be even more scared than Elmer was fifty-eight years ago when he was wondering what to do, as he and Tilly were face to face on her front porch after the dance.

Thanksgiving is coming! This means an amusing but tumultuous day with large and small children on hand to create playful chaos, loud noises, and the need to deal with spilled liquids. Tilly and Elmer love this of course, but they especially enjoy spending the day before Thanksgiving alone together cooking, verifying the quality of the contents of their liquor cabinet, and giving thanks for their continued fondness for one another’s amatory adeptness. This giving of thanks usually takes the form of canoodling on the carpet in front of the fire and demonstrating their undiminished adeptness at pleasing each other’s private parts. When they introduce pumpkin pie, whipped cream, and intoxicating libations into the proceedings however, the outcome can also foreshadow the playful chaos, loud noises, and spilled liquids that they anticipate for the next day.