Sex Spoken Here: What is the Difference Between BDSM and Abuse
 
Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   This week I am talking about the difference between BDSM and Abuse.
 
The difference between BDSM and an abuse or an abusive relationship in a word: CONSENT.  Everything done in a BDSM relationship is done with the consent of all parties.    The consent must be clear and unambiguous and not be as the result of pressure.  The parties need to be able to give consent.    If these conditions are met, then there is nothing abusive about even the most extreme BDSM relationships.
 
Abuse can be the result of coercion.   It can also be straight forward.  The dividing line is consent. 
 
What does consent look like?  Consent comes as the result of a discussion that talks about hard limits (things you absolutely won’t do) and soft limits (things you don’t think you are interested in or you don’t think you will do but this may change) and things you would like to do.    Agreements are made about limits: activities that are on the ‘yes’ list, activities that are on the ‘maybe’ list, activities on the ‘hell no’ list.  Agreements are made about how we will communicate in the middle of rough sex or a BDSM scene or even an ordinary situation in the world that something is a problem, or ‘stop right now’, or ‘I am enjoying myself.’  For ‘Stop right now’ we often have safe words or gestures.  These are things that cannot be misinterpreted and that will tell the person who is the active partner/top/dominant that a hard limit is being approached or has been reached. 
 
Ethical dominants know that negotiating to push a limit in the middle of a scene is not appropriate as a person cannot give consent in the middle of a scene (because of the power imbalance, because of their mental state – high on the scene). 
 
Even in relationships in which there is a 24/7 authority transfer, there are discussions about limits and consent and importantly how to withdraw consent.  There is a lot of erotica out there that talks about ‘no limits’ relationships and ones in which withdrawal of consent is not allowed.  The premise is that once someone becomes a slave, they no longer have the authority to leave the relationship.    In real life, breakdown of the relationship and how to exit is something that is discussed as part of an extended negotiation when someone is considering a 24/7 authority transfer relationship.    Some people have a ritual involved (the slave has to beg for release) others do not.  In non-abusive relationships, the parameters of the relationship including limits and exiting the relationship are discussed before relationship properly begins and often a written document is made detailing rules, responsibilities and agreements as well as what happens in the event of a break up.
 
In some ethical 24/7 relationships, the slave or submissive is not allowed to say no to any particular activities however they are given space to say why they would wish to say no and their feelings and reasons are considered by their Master, Ma’am, Sir or Dominant.    If there is no space to express an opinion ever, it is likely the relationship is abusive.
 
There may be an acceptable format for expressing an opinion or a ritual for expressing an opinion.   As long as it is possible for the parties to raise their feelings, views and concerns, the relationship is likely to be non-abusive.  
 
Many people are misled by abusive people telling them that ‘true slaves’ or ‘true submissives’ don’t have limits.   These abusive people pressure their desired prey to give up all control before they know much about the person they are giving control up to.  Many groom online and after a long acquaintance online lull the other person into a false sense of security.  No...