Surf Lenin

By Asi Hart

A trio of disillusioned dilettantes decide to steal the body of Lenin in order to sell it to wealthy necrophiles.
They engage in a globe-trotting adventure, with chases, terrorism and fine dining.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Asi Hart
• Release date: Apr 30, 2024
• ISBN: 9798224054107

Asi Hart

Asi Hart is the best Sci-Fi author south of the North Pole.

Book preview

Surf Lenin

Asi Hart

Published by Asi Hart, 2024.

This is a work of fiction,

any resemblance to real people

and/or actual events is purely coincidental.

All rights reserved.

© 2024

Also by Asi Hart

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The Ultimate Killing Game

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Carnage Desires

Standalone

Black Trip

Death from a Shell

The Man in the Corner Room

Under a Freezing Moon

Decomposing Angel

Utopian Massacre

Cat-Girls Have Four Ears

Interesting Creatures

J.K. Rowling Uses Magic to Turn Transvestites Into Serial Killers

Orbital Lily

The Many Horrors of Being a Tokyo Waitress

The Quest for Stephen King's Shorts

Starvation Diet

The Different Agenda

The Next Challenge

Surf Lenin (Coming Soon)

Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright Page

Also By Asi Hart

Surf Lenin | by | Asi Hart

1: Rikki has a plan

2: Test run

3: The Fingers

4: Extortion

5: Berlin

6: Lenin's Ultimate Legacy

7: The Awesome Car

8: The Plan

9: The Heist

10: Surf Lenin

11: Leaving with Lenin

12: Lenin in Berlin

13: Hotel Raid

14: Orgy of Horror

15: The Far Right

16: The Second Taking of Lenin

17: Hotel Escape

18: Delivery

Surf Lenin

by

Asi Hart

1: Rikki has a plan

WE'RE STEALING LENIN'S body.  Rikki watched his two friends, Jakob and Helgi, waiting for their reactions to his genius idea.  The two of them looked back at him disinterestedly.  The bar was still relatively quiet at this hour.

We? said Helgi, slowly petting his glass of beer, spinning it closer to him.

You just decided this? asked Jakob.

Indeed.  I have a plan already.  I'm forming a plan, I mean.  You know how they keep Lenin's body all mummified and preserved in a pyramid in the Red Square?

Helgi and Jakob nodded.

I've been looking into this for a couple of days now.  Every once in a while they take the body out of its display case and bring it to a laboratory where they refurbish it.  You know, shine it up a little bit.  That's when I plan to hit them.

How much have you been drinking? asked Jakob.

I am serious, said Rikki with some emphasis; I have it all planned out.

Ah, you have a plan, said Helgi, nodding.

I have a plan.

Helgi and Jakob looked at each other.

Let's hear it then, said Helgi.

I got nothing better to do, said Jakob.

Okay, this is what we need: we need an ambulance or a hearse, and we need some white robes, like doctors wear.

Sounds good, said Jakob dryly.

Skidegodt, said Helgi, doing his best Danish accent.

Rikki gave them a sideways look.  The reference was lost on him.  You two don't think I've thought this one out, do you?

Like that time you were going to make money selling people black and white photographs of themselves driving their cars? asked Helgi.

Hey, the government does that all the time!

Yeah, but when we do it it's extortion, said Helgi.

That one guy paid up!

It was an elderly lady, she got scared.  She didn't know better.

Not your finest hour, said Jakob.

That's just your opinion.  Besides, if people weren't okay with extortion, they'd not live in a society.

Helgi and Jakob looked at each other again.

What are you going to do with the body once you get it anyway? asked Helgi.

And how are we even getting to Russia?  We need our passports signed by the embassy, don't we? 

Rikki sat back and thought.  Then he looked up; you know, I hadn't thought about that end of the mission.

You haven't?  I'd have thought that would be a very important part.

I figure I could just sell it on ebay.  You know: for a million dollars or best offer, own a piece of history!  Own your very own real mummified Lenin.  You can set him up in your living room and set him in various action-poses.

I don't think you can pose Lenin.

You can if we put wires inside of him. Then we can pose him as much as we want.  Rikki motioned his hands like he was dancing to Walk like an Egyptian.  The passports are easy, the embassy will sign us in without question.  I don't think the KGB is threatened by us.

Not yet, said Helgi.

I wonder how they will react when they find you making a posable action figure out of Lenin's body, said Jakob.

They drank some more beer and talked about other things.

After a while Jakob asked: so anyway, about that Lenin heist thing... he put his beer on the table; how was that going to happen?  Were we just going to break into the mausoleum with a crowbar and make our escape with Lenin's body in the trunk of a car?

An ambulance, said Rikki.

In the back on an ambulance, yes.

No, I don't think we can do that.  I plan to hit them while they are transporting the body from the mausoleum.  On their way to the Lenin refurbishment lab.  On the street, you know.  That way we will already be in our getaway vehicle when we have the body.

"You've been watching The Fast and the Furious a few too many times, I think."

No, this will work, trust me.  All we have to do is to back up behind them real fast, open the rear hatch of their ambulance, roll the body from their vehicle to ours, and be off.  Easy.

As I said.  That sort of stunt only works in the movies.

I can prove it to you.

Jakob and Helgi looked at each other.

I'll just get a couple of vans, and we'll try this out.  I think we can get into the rally-cross track some night and do a couple of practice runs.

Jakob shook his head, and picked up his beer again.

The only trouble really will be selling the body.

Or you could just keep it, said Helgi.  I'm sure it will look fine in your living room.

Rikki nodded.

Or we could make molds of it.  Sell a bunch of life sized Lenin statues, said Jakob.

Rikki snapped his fingers and pointed toward Jakob: I like it.  We could make them from silicone.  Like sex dolls, and sell them to dedicated communists who want to experience their idol as intimately as possible.

Jakob shrugged.  I don't know, sex dolls always sounded close to necrophilia to me.

Necrophilia?

They are cold and dead and don't move.

We could sell Lenin to a wealthy necrophile.

Jakob frowned.  We don't know any necrophiles.  Who's gonna admit to being a necrophile.

My father is a necrophile, said Helgi in a calm tone of voice.  He was quite drunk.  The others looked at him.  Or so he tells me.

Your dad's a necrophile?

Shh... don't use that word, said Helgi, putting his finger to his lips as he did.  It's a necrophobic slur.

Rikki and Jakob looked at each other.  Rikki looked back at Helgi and said: don't you have nigger privileges to use that word?

Say what now?

Nigger privileges! repeated Rikki.

Nigger privileges? asked Helgi.

"Yeah.  You know, if you know a nigger, you get to say nigger, otherwise you can't because it's a slur.  Then you have to say The N-Word instead."

N-word?

Rikki nodded; you need nigger privileges to say N-words.

Do you know a nigger? asked Jakob.

"Shut up nigger.  I say whatever I damn well please.  But my point is, nigger is obviously not the only n-word you can't say."

Oh?  What are the other n-words?

"Well, necrophile, obviously.  And Natron."

Jakob raised an eyebrow.  Natron?

Yeah.  I wasn't expecting that, but I was at the shop the other day and asked for natron, and everybody got quietly angry and frowned at me.  They said I shouldn't use that word in public.

Jakob and Helgi looked doubtfully at each other.

Why not?

"They didn't say.  Anyway, YOU have nigger privileges to say necrophile, Rikki told Helgi.  And you can ask your father where the dead body market for necrophiles is, so we can sell Lenin there."

Why did your dad tell you he was a necrophile? asked Jakob.

"I was just having