It's Not Just You, It Was Me Too: Finding Grace in the aftermath of legalism, Calm during the storms of anxiety and a Kindred Spirit through the trials of caregiving...

By Trina Layne

Are you secretly struggling with some form of anxiety? Maybe you are trapped in the world of legalism and trying to break free… Do you feel rejected and alone? Have you experienced feelings of unworthiness or that no one really loves you? Perhaps you are a caregiver trying to hold on to your sanity and some semblance of who you once were…or a parent just trying to get it right?

Throughout my book, I talk about all of this and more and I share with you:

•How I learned to live with my anxiety instead of being crushed beneath it−

•How I was able to break free from the confines of legalism while learning the truth that now guides me through each day with renewed hope−

•The struggles I experienced during my time as a caregiver to my dad−

•The things I did wrong as a parent but also what I got right−

•Plus my own personal advice on having healthy relationships−

It is my heart’s desire as you come to the last page, that you will have learned how you can know without any doubt that you are worthy and truly loved beyond measure. I pray for you to see that you are not alone in your feelings of unworthiness and helplessness… of being unloved and rejected… of anxiousness and bitterness−that it was me too!

−Trina Layne

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Apr 10, 2024
• ISBN: 9798888326862

Book preview

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It's Not Just You, It Was Me Too

Finding Grace in the aftermath of legalism, Calm during the storms of anxiety and a Kindred Spirit through the trials of caregiving...

Trina Layne

ISBN 979-8-88832-685-5 (paperback)

ISBN 979-8-88832-686-2 (digital)

Copyright © 2024 by Trina Layne

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Cover design by Chelsi Layne Baker-Shaw

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Preface

1

My Battle with Anxiety

2

Life on Fraser Road

3

Legalism Vs. the Truth

4

Relationships and Rose-colored Glasses

5

The Caregiver

6

The Art of Being a Parent

7

It's Not Just You…

About the Author

Grace is love in action.

—G. Campbell Morgan

Grace—the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings (Oxford Languages Dictionary).

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God. (Ephesians 2:4–5, 7–8 ESV)

It's all about finding the calm in the chaos.

—Donna Karan

Calm—a quiet and peaceful time or situation; a quiet and relaxed manner (Oxford Languages Dictionary).

The LORD, your God, is amongst you, a mighty one who will save. He will rejoice over you with joy. He will calm you in his love. He will rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17 WEB)

Kindred spirits are not so scarce as I used to think. It's splendid to find out there are so many of them in the world.

—L. M. Montgomery, author of Anne of Green Gables

Kindred spirit—a person with whom one has something in common (Collins Dictionary).

This book is dedicated first and foremost to my Jesus. Lord, you are my Savior, my friend, and my constant companion. You have never left my side even through the times when I left You. You continue to hold me by Your right hand. Without You, I am nothing. It is because of Your mercy, grace, and unconditional love that I am here writing this today. I love You, Jesus. "For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you" (Psalm 86:5 ESV).

To my wonderful husband Rick—You have stood by my side throughout my entire life, in my darkest hours, holding my hand and loving me. We share beautiful memories together, and I pray we get to make many more. You are my rock and the love of my life, and I love you more than words can say.

To my beautiful daughter Chelsi—You have been and continue to be the sunshine in my life even on the cloudiest of days. God blessed me beyond measure when He gave you to me. You are my person, and I hope and pray that it's you and me to the very end. I love you, baby girl.

To my three grandchildren—Kenden, Avery and August—I am so thankful that God has allowed me to be your Meni. I love each one of you so very much, I am so proud of you and I want you to know that the three of you are the biggest reasons I wake up each day and push onward.

And finally, to my niece Melodie—Thank you for everything! Thank you for sharing your heart. Thank you for showing me the truth. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for your support, but most of all, thank you for your unconditional love for me… I love you more.

Preface

Over the years, I had often thought about writing a book, yet I kept asking myself, Who would want to read it? What do I have to share that would be of value to anyone? Will anyone even be interested in what I have to say? I've always loved to write, but the sheer simplicity of the life I've lived has caused those three questions to discourage me from putting pen to paper—until now. Looking back, I think of all the many people who have known me; I'm guessing that outwardly, it appeared (and maybe still does) that my life was grand, but what all those people didn't know is that inwardly, there were so many emotional struggles that I had faced over the years and there were times in my life when my mind would travel to such dark places that it would be hard for me to even think about anything other than the darkness.

I have a niece who took it upon herself to show me what unconditional love meant. She reached out to me at a time in my life when, aside from my husband and daughter and a handful of others, I felt completely shunned by the rest of my closest family. I felt unloved and unwanted, and though I was out from underneath it, I still lived with the aftershocks of the legalism that I had been raised under. I was an emotional wreck—bitter, hurt, and angry. Then came my niece Melodie, and she showed me real love. She poured herself into me; she helped me to realize that my life was worthy. She helped me at a time when almost everyone else had discarded me. Sadly, for a long time, she paid the price for it. I will be forever grateful to her for her decision to get to know the real me all the while risking her own safe place in our family. Because of her, I'm able to write this book today. It was because of her love, her willingness to reach out to me, her desire to help me learn truth, that I found the meaning to my life; I found mercy, I found grace, and I found Jesus.

It has always been my desire to help others, and I spent a lot of time in deep thought and prayed for guidance on how I could best do that. Not by accident, I found out about a place in Georgia, and last year (2021), I went through a coaching program and became a certified faith-based life coach. My desire has been to coach people with problems similar to mine and to help them move forward in their own lives. About the same time I finished my coaching program, I started writing this book. I decided that not everyone would have a need for a coach, but hopefully, those who are struggling with similar problems as mine would want to read about someone else who has lived with their same issues but found a way to live above and beyond them—and maybe also find a certain kindred spirit with me.

I have struggled with anxiety my entire life but have learned to live above it instead of being crushed beneath it. I have had wonderful relationships, and I have had broken relationships. I was raised under legalism, but it didn't break me. For many years, I ran a business with my husband while being the caregiver to my ailing dad. I have the most wonderful husband, and together, we raised the most beautiful daughter and have three of the most amazing grandchildren. I am an animal lover almost to a fault and have had many dogs and cats over the years. I write about much of this throughout the course of this book. My hope and prayer is that you will come away with something, if only just one thing, that will help you to live an authentic, onward, and upward life. For those that I coach and will coach in the future, I wrote this poem just for you…

Onward and Upward

Onward and upward

Your journey now starts,

But before it begins

A few words I'll impart…

I will lead

You will learn,

I will help you discern.

It's not about me—

It's about what you sow…

I will aim, you will act,

I will guide, you will grow.

You will speak, I will listen—

Your voice I will hear,

The sound of your cries

Of self-doubt and fear.

Words of affirmation

I long to implore

From the one named Jesus

And the Cross that He bore.

His love is unconditional

His words are true,

His life that He gave,

He gave it for you.

When all's said and done

And we've finished our time,

I pray that my coaching

Will have led you to find…

It's not about you

And it's not about me;

It's all about the one

Who died on the tree.

Onward and upward

A new path you will take,

Old ways left behind

A new life you will make.

Trina Layne

1

My Battle with Anxiety

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, most of which never happened.

—Mark Twain

As I plunge headfirst into this book, starting with my anxiety, I do so with hope and much prayer that what I share with you here will help you in some way to move forward in your own life.

I want you to know that I have never discussed this subject in detail with anyone outside of my immediate family until now. I don't like letting others know about my weaknesses, and quite honestly, I think most people just wouldn't understand my struggle with anxiety if I did try to share it with them. I've touched on the surface of it with a few close friends, but unless you are someone with the same struggles, anxiety can seem quite foreign to you, so I really don't know how much of what I've told them over the years has actually sunk in past the surface. I think that the few I've shared my struggles with have tried to understand me, but I've also heard some say that they just can't understand how someone can't go to the store or is afraid to be in crowds or is nervous about going to a public venue or is afraid to ride in the car with other people, etc. I've heard the familiar phrase time and time again, "But can't you just…" to whatever the situation may be. Throughout this chapter, even if you don't understand the concept of anxiety yourself, I am quite certain that someone you know is struggling with some form of it, and you may even know who they are, so hopefully reading about my struggles with it will help you to better understand them.

I have struggled with anxiety and worry almost my entire adult life. There have been periods of time over the years where I was unable to go to a mall or even to the grocery store. I've even gotten up my nerve to go, only to get there and then leave a cartful of groceries in the middle of an aisle and walk out of the store. I don't like to ride with other people, fearing that I might get sick (now, mind you, I'm not sick at the time.) I don't like amusement parks because of the crowds and long lines, so they are always a struggle for me. We always have to sit in the aisle seats at the movies, and if we go to concerts with others, I have to buy the tickets myself because I have to make sure our seats are also on the aisle. The thought of sitting in the middle of everyone horrifies me.

I once walked out of a restaurant and left my family sitting there because I thought I might get sick. Of course as soon as I was in my car and headed home, I was fine. I am fearful of something happening to one of us while traveling on the road because I'm unable to control the other drivers out there. And even though I actually enjoy it, I surely don't fly anymore because I have zero control over keeping that plane in the air. I have worried about my health even when I'm healthy. I have worried about my family's health even when they are healthy.

There was a point in my life when I was so bad, I couldn't even watch the medical drama ER because it would trigger my anxiety over having whatever illness was portrayed on the show in any given episode. I have even worried about my dogs getting sick and leaving me, knowing full well it's inevitable. These are just some of the issues that I've dealt with over the years. I'm not for sure why I was blessed with this personality trait, but I guess at this point in my life, it doesn't really matter. It is a part of who I am. What matters now is that even though I still have anxiety, I have learned the most important thing, which is that I don't have to let it control me. It took me years to get here, and my hope is that by you reading this, if you struggle with anxiety, you will learn much sooner than I did how you can live with it or above it.

You may notice that a lot of my anxiety has been over not being able to control something. Well, hello! It took me a while, but I finally realized that I am not the one in control of anything in my life. Once I came to this realization, it was easier for me to give up trying to hold on to it. Trying to control everything is completely exhausting and, in turn, just causes more anxiety.

A lot of people will get up and say they have recovered from anxiety. Good for them—and maybe they have; maybe I'm just one of the people that God has allowed to hold on to it for special occasions… I don't know. My reason for writing about my own anxiety and putting it in a book for the whole world to read about, including all of those that know me, is that I hope and pray to be able to help someone else who may be struggling with the same thing.

Last year, I became a certified life coach because one of my greatest desires in life is to help people—people who are like me. Life coaches are not supposed to give advice. We are told that advice is best left to the therapists. We are taught to ask the questions that will help our clients search inside themselves to find the answers to their whys so that they can then move from point A to point B in life, and it is our job to encourage them along the way. In all reality, this is the best way to practice. It's easier…and it doesn't get messy for the coach. But for me, throughout my coaching experiences, I want to continue to help people in the areas that they most need help with. I do want to ask the questions that will ultimately help my clients move from point A to point B, but what I learned through my training and through personal experience is that if a person never understands how they arrived at point A, it's virtually impossible for them to ever move beyond it to get to point B. Again, it's all about the why. Why are they where they are in life? Why are you where you are in life right now? On the subject of anxiety, based on my own experiences, I want to help my clients hopefully uncover the reason why they suffer from anxiety and then help them, however I can, by providing them with the necessary tools needed to move beyond it…or at least rise above it.

When a person is struggling with an illness like depression or anxiety or maybe an addiction of