Better Than I Should Be: Overcoming Sexual and Domestic Abuse through Forgiveness and Personal Healing

By Christina Warren Ivey

Some people will spend years, decades, a lifetime even, trying to seek peace and fulfillment and never achieve it. That is the sad reality of a fallen world.

Most recently, the subject of child sexual abuse, more notably child sex trafficking, has come to light publicly in a big way. But what about those children who have not been taken a

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trilogy Christian Publishing
• Release date: Dec 20, 2023
• ISBN: 9798890414519

Christina Warren Ivey

Christina Warren Ivey grew up in a small rural town in Martin County, NC. She has pursued her relationship with God from the time she was a child, after accepting Jesus as her Lord and Savior. This relationship has given her the keys to finding healing and forgiveness after years of abuse. Better Than I Should Be is her first book and will walk you through her journey to emotional wellness.

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FOREWORD

I vividly remember the first time I met Tina. It was a warm summer day and we stopped to get gas at the hangout/gas station affectionately deemed Earnie’s, which was located in the middle of the tiny new town my husband and I now called home. A black pickup truck pulled up and stopped across the lot from us and out popped a curly haired, well-built teenager who was all smiles. My husband, Chap, introduced her as Tina, one of our youth. What a huge understatement that would come to be!

No time was wasted getting to know most of the people in this small town of merely 1700 residents, where everyone seemed to know everyone. Church life was a way of life for most of the families in this Bible belt region of North Carolina. The first close friendship I developed was with that curly haired tomboy who frequented the gas station on the weekends, and soon we were together several days per week. We weren’t a likely pair, complete opposites to be precise, but we were most definitely a match made in Heaven and by God’s design! Trust evolved quickly and conversations flowed with ease, both of which are surprising, given what this young, beautiful girl had been through in her short 19 years. Although we were fast friends, it often felt that she was holding something back, like she wanted to share something more but just couldn’t bring herself to do so.

Over time, I began to notice Tina would become withdrawn when I mentioned her family, especially her dad. My once bubbly, fun-loving friend was moody; she often complained of physical pain and issues that would result in her not participating in her much-loved sporting events and church outings. It wasn’t until she and I were traveling back from Virginia one evening that she confided in me only part of her story.

Slowly but surely over the years, the entire story emerged, and more than ever I wanted to be the friend who stood by her unconditionally and to see her be completely healed of this trauma. I pressed gently but relentlessly for Tina to share all of her story so the people who loved her (myself at the top of that list) could better understand and help her. I believed that one day she may even be able to help others who have faced this grueling situation. That is exactly what she has done in this memoir of her life story. For years, I sought to be her go to, her ride or die and most of all, her mentor. As God would have it and ironically enough, the opposite is true. She is the strong one. The teacher. The mentor. No one will know the courage, stress, anxiety, revisited trauma and so many other emotions she endured to share her story. There were those who didn’t believe her, those who blamed her, and those who just couldn’t accept this truth. Now, with the help of her Lord, she shares with her readers the story of innocence stolen, growth, and healing. I couldn’t be prouder of MY mentor.

Your friend,

Kris Chappell

INTRODUCTION

Has there ever been a time you felt you were floating mindlessly through life with no real direction? As I was dragging into the thirty-something chapter of my life, it was as if life was dictating everything about me. My existence revolved around pleasing everyone, except the One I should have been pleasing. The word No was not in my vocabulary, not to the physical person anyway. But when it came to God that one little word was the biggest word I never verbally spoke, yet my actions said loud and clear. Until one day…I was invited to get reacquainted with God on a more personal level. That was the day I answered God with a resounding YES!

Looking back, I can see God’s hand in everything. Through all my accomplishments to my most devastating failure, God was building me up to step across the line in the sand and into the destiny He had prepared for me. My life has not been the best and I’ve made my share of mistakes, but I have learned from those mistakes. I’ve also learned through adversity not created by my own selfish decisions or through my sometimes ignorant, self-inflicted emotional wounds. Through all of the sexual abuse, peer pressure, depression, and just plain stubbornness, I can honestly say I know God has a purpose for my life.

Sometimes I pride myself in my stubbornness. Many times, well, most of the time if I’m honest, I find myself thinking I can do this—life, that is—on my own. That is how my logic works, but my spirit does not agree with my reasoning. I have been independent for so long, it has been difficult to trust God to do what only He can do. I could say God has been holding me at a level beneath my potential. But the truth is, it is not God who is holding me back. He has been waiting for me to be obedient. My failure to walk in obedience, usually through procrastination, has been my downfall. My stubbornness and rebelliousness are my restrainers, not God. He wants to see me striving for and walking out the victory He has already given me. Knowing what God requires of me, I can no longer make excuses. I once heard someone say, There are people on the other side of your obedience who need what you have to offer. So as long as I procrastinate, I am no good to the Kingdom of God. This may be my life, but it was never meant for me alone. We exist for each other. I must carry out His assignment for me. And that assignment is to encourage others who have had similar life-altering experiences and tell them there is hope, and that Hope is Jesus.

Which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which entereth into that within the veil.

— Hebrews 6:19 (KJV)

BETRAYED

All right, are you ready? I heard that dreaded voice call from behind my closed door.

Yeah, I’m up, I sleepily moaned. My mind was warring against the action I had to take. It was time to drive him to work again. [God, please let him go straight to work today.] I reluctantly got up, already dressed in my sweats and a t-shirt. I grabbed my shoes and the biggest jacket I could find, the jacket offering only false security from what I prayed wouldn’t happen again. Out the door we went.

The drive, on any normal trip, would last only six or seven minutes. On those dreadful days, the ones where I longed to be anywhere but there, they lasted an agonizing lifetime in my mind. The four-mile trip just down the road seemed like a cross-country road trip to hell. Not many people traveled the narrow dirt road, let alone noticed when he would turn into the overgrown path traveling toward my worst nightmare. My mind wandered, trying to escape what my body was about to endure.

A poor excuse for small talk didn’t hide what he was undeniably thinking. There were many ways to show someone you love them, but this was absolutely horrendous. What made someone act this way? Of course, he said he loved me, but didn’t he know the difference? This wasn’t the kind of affection to be shared between anyone but a husband and wife. What was he thinking?

The next twenty minutes were spent with me wishing I were either dead, a million miles away, or someone else entirely. If I screamed, no one would hear me. If I resisted, he would make life miserable for everyone, not just me. If I ran, where would I go without causing the drama that would surely follow? What would people say?

She’s a liar.

She instigated it.

I heard he went to prison because she lied on him before.

What would my family say? My mom? And what about my classmates? I already felt like people treated me differently, because in my mind everybody knew my past. In my mind, what could be worse than rejection and humiliation? The only choice I saw was to endure the pain myself. It sounded a little masochistic, but I would rather inflict pain upon myself than anyone else. My hands were tied. I couldn’t see any way out.

After I took my father to work, I headed home feeling dirty and shameful. I cried as I drove the four-mile return trip. The tears weren’t just of hurt; they were more than that. They were tears of hatred, disgust, and utter betrayal. The tears were not directed at the object of my affliction, but at myself! I hated what I let him do to me. I was disgusted by what he did, but more at the fact I didn’t stop him. And betrayal…he may have betrayed my trust, but I betrayed myself more by not protecting myself.

Quit your cryin’ and get it together. Someone is gonna see you, I thought. Okay, Tina, pull yourself together. I walked through the front door. The first place I headed was to the shower.

And so began another typical day in my life. Another day of playing charades and hiding what was happening.

Reflection

Why? is the question I have always pondered, though I am not sure I want to know how someone could have such thoughts, or better yet, do what he did. Children do not provoke or ask to be molested or raped/assaulted. How could someone say they love you and then subject you to so much hell? God never intended for it to be this way. What happened to protecting children? They are not property to do with as one