Worthy 2.0: The Journey of Finding HER (A Black Sheep Manifesto)

By Shaynicorn

Worthy 2.0: A Journey of Finding HER (A Black Sheep Manifesto) is a very personal look into the life of someone who started enduring abuse at a very young age. It took a long time for Shaynicorn to find a way through the trauma and grief, but she was determined that her life was worth more. She became focused on recovery and resurgence, but still slipped back sometimes, as healing is never linear.

Shaynicorn’s healer told her, “Stand in your power and speak your truth,” so she created four steps to help as she worked to heal her inner child. Worthy 2.0 tells her story and also gives hope and a path to those who are looking to heal, as well. Shaynicorn shares the healing model she developed over her evolution of going from abused, perfectionist, angel child who was afraid of everything to who she is today: still a little damaged and still a little broken—but free.

Shaynicorn was a victim of physical, emotional, and psychological abuse. She is disabled and was ashamed, but not anymore. Now, she is a trauma survivor, fibromyalgia warrior, and disability advocate. She is an unapologetic, powerful human being taking up the space she deserves and earned. The past no longer defines her, but it made her the badass she is today. Feel hope from the words of her truth that there is freedom from pain, trauma, and the past. You are the writer of your story, so take charge!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Feb 28, 2024
• ISBN: 9798765247334

Shaynicorn

Shaynicorn is a proud disabled female, millennial author, and poet. She has been writing since the early age of ten about her anxiety, depression, and ultimate diagnoses of C-PTSD and fibromyalgia as a result of trauma and grief endured throughout her lifetime.

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Copyright © 2024 Cyclebreaker Enterprises.

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The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

ISBN: 979-8-7652-4734-1 (sc)

ISBN: 979-8-7652-4735-8 (hc)

ISBN: 979-8-7652-4733-4 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2023922056

Balboa Press rev. date: 02/28/2024

For Every Little Girl,

For Her Sisters,

For Her Tribe,

For

Her

Contents

Foreword

A Note from the Author

Trigger Warning

The High Road

Defining the Path

Trauma

Grief

Recovery

Resurgence

Afterword

Worthy 2.0 Exercises

Thank You

Foreword

Once Upon a Time, an Evil Queen, a Court Jester, and a Narcissist told a little Princess she wouldn’t amount to anything on her own. Fast forward, that Princess grew into a Queen who is now straightening her crown while sipping her tea, building her empire she made on her own. Buckle up sweetheart, she’s just getting started on her happily ever after, leaving those foolish mortals behind. This is her story.

A Note from the Author

On occasion, I’ll reread the words I wrote while under the spell of believing the story written is worth sharing. An encapsulating heroine who rarely looks in the mirror and appreciates the unlikelihood of standing where she does today. The message was quite clear of what needed to be done- stand in your power and speak your truth. This is what my healer told me. She told me that I don’t live there anymore. And when I’m done, I hope you will understand that this was only ever about healing. For it was foretold long ago that I would break the cycle.

You are the writer of your story.

I was a victim of physical, emotional, and psychological abuse.

I am disabled.

I was ashamed.

But now,

I am a Trauma Survivor.

I am a Fibromyalgia Warrior.

I am a Disability Advocate.

I am an unapologetic, powerful human being taking up the space I deserve and earned.

The past no longer defines me, but it made me.

I am a badass.

So be it, so it is.

PS: Please buy my book so I can afford to see The Eras Tour.

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Trigger Warning

Shame dies when stories are told in safe spaces.- Ann Voscamp

There are a lot of self-help books out there. Stories full of ways to cope and overcome. When we are desperate, we look outside of ourselves for help. We hope to find answers as if a perfect manual exists to guide us back to life the way it was before the trauma happened. The trauma that changed our lives. Sometimes we don’t even realize how traumatic something really was until much later in our lives. When you’re an adult, you don’t have a choice. You have to face the world, be productive, pretend to be happy, or even pretend to be normal- whatever that is.

I can’t promise this book will change your life, but I can share how my life has changed. I can share the healing model I’ve developed over my evolution of going from an abused, perfectionist, angel child who was afraid of everything to who I am today- still a little damaged, still a little broken- but free. If anything, even if the model doesn’t resonate with you- I hope you feel hope from the words of my truth that there is freedom from the pain, the trauma, and the past. We don’t have to live there anymore was one of the most profound statements my healer shared with me. I want to help your healing process so that you don’t have to live there anymore either. Take my hand, and let’s walk through this journey together.

I want to warn you. This book may have some triggering passages for you. It reflects my pain, my trauma, my depression, my fibromyalgia- but it also represents so much more. It gives you my hope, my passion, my tenacity, and my belief that things can always get better.

I am not sorry to tell my story. I am not sorry for taking up space in this world. That being said, each of the phases of my healing process require looking deep within. The journal passages you will see from roughly ages 10 until now are full of darkness, particularly in the trauma and grief sections.

The intention of the writing is to not trigger you, but to make you feel seen and feel not so alone. To let you know that others may feel this way from time to time, and that’s okay. We have to hold space for the moments when we struggle, yet also celebrate the moments we move forward in our healing journeys.

This is what I hope to give you as you walk through the chaos of a healing journey that has been anything but linear. Each section will proceed out of order intentionally, just like in real life as we try to climb out of dark places. I hope that if you are currently living in a dark place, this book helps you to climb out of it, or better yet- find your wings and fly.

I am honored to have you here with me, waiting to take off. Thank you for being my wingman, woman, or person as I tell my story. All humans are welcome here. May this be a safe space for you.

LET’S GO

I’m really doing it.

I waited long enough.

I was afraid before.

I no longer carry the burden of fear.

I carry a fire.

It goes out sometimes.

Only to be reborn.

For all good things come to an end.

Just like every cycle of life.

The next version is not afraid.

The next version is not on fire.

The next version is the fire.

The path was always lit.

She was just finding the way to HER.

Finding HER next best version.

The last version has come to an end.

#Worthy2.0

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The High Road

Worthy: A word defined by approval of others. Perhaps, you are worthy of an award, an accommodation, or a title. Worthy means you are deserving of an honor. What about your self-worth? Who defines that? They say your self-esteem and self-confidence. Being worthy means you have an unshakable belief in yourself and that if you work hard enough, you deserve all the accomplishments that come to you. That you have pride and dignity that you carry with you. You don’t have to have a big ego to be worthy or project one. Your self-worth is driven by your opinion of yourself.

In today’s world, it can be hard to feel worthy. Little girls who see size zero models on television and social media and may think they aren’t worthy if they don’t look like them. Little boys are taught to be tough and not cry no matter what, even if they are getting bullied at school. People can be cruel and you are told to be hard. You are told to hide your emotions. That’s what I did. That’s why I started journaling at a young age. When I look at my oldest journals starting in middle school, I am so sorry for that little girl. She was hurting. She was depressed. And she didn’t know how to ask for help. She was too afraid to.

I’ve wasted a lot of time living in a place that was not where I belonged, so much so I didn’t really want to be here. I hated my life. As a matter of fact, I wanted it to end on numerous occasions. I was obese not realizing why I was so sick as a child. I was extremely prone to illness and spent many days out of school. I wanted to be an athlete and my body didn’t want to cooperate and it felt like no one wanted to help figure it all out. I certainly didn’t understand why I couldn’t keep up with others.

Then something changed. In 2019, I made a lot of big life changes. I was living on my own for the first time, feeling like I needed to hide from the world after feeling uncomfortably exposed. A few months before, I had a severe reaction to emotional and verbal abuse. My legs started generating all these red blobs all over my legs. I did not know what was happening. I thought maybe, finally, I was going to be put out of my misery.

Instead it led me down a journey of a fibromyalgia diagnosis. Fibromyalgia affects millions of people and still has no cure. It is a label you’re given when they can’t quite figure out what is wrong with you. It has hundreds of symptoms, but for me the worst ones were the fatigue, the migraines, and the flaring. Flaring is different from person to person. Mine feels like a burning sensation that typically starts in my arms and can trickle down, depending on the intensity, to my legs and torso. I have extremely poor temperature control and can easily become hot or cold. I can sweat through my clothes when flaring, which can be particularly embarrassing if I’m in public. My period pain is more substantial than a normal female- which is already bad enough in itself. And my goodness, can I get dizzy. I have passed out in public more times than I would like to admit.

You might ask- what causes fibromyalgia? Researchers from the Mayo Clinic believe it to be triggered from either a traumatic event or prolonged psychological stress. For me, I had endured psychological abuse for the majority of my life, but in this case, it was the trauma of realizing the difficult decision of cutting off toxic people. The kind of people who should not be toxic. The kind who are supposed to play an integral part of your life. But they weren’t good for me. They were causing all these health issues at hand. And finally when it was stated out loud we won’t bother you anymore- despite this being exactly what I wanted, it was traumatic. It was something to grieve.

That year I had a lot to grieve. I also lost one of my best friends at the age of 30. It was completely unexpected. These events led me to create the four steps of healing that you will pass through with me on this journey. But the universe wasn’t ready for me to tell my story just yet.

In 2020, it was realized I was over prescribed medication. Fibromyalgia has no cure and I was given two antidepressants and you are only supposed to take one due to the adverse complications it can trigger in your body. I became extremely ill, gained significant weight, and had absolutely no idea what was wrong until my pharmacist called me and told me what had happened. I was taking these medications for close to a year at the time it was discovered.

This led to my dark night of the soul moment. If you are not familiar, the dark night of the soul is an extremely difficult or painful period in someone’s life. This all made me lose faith in western medicine and for the first time in my life, I was willing to consider anything and everything to help me heal.

I turned to spirituality. I started meditating every day. I worked with an energy healer every three days for three months to help me through this. I did evening blessings and affirmations with candles and crystals all around. I begged the universe to help me and found some breakthroughs, but I still wasn’t ready yet to tell the story.

NDE (near death experience) elements are believed to include awareness of being dead in which a person experiences the world from outside the physical body may include moving through a tunnel, communication with light, observation of celestial landscape, meeting with deceased persons, life review, and more.

Fast forward three more years, I had a severe adverse reaction post-op and I had five hours of NDE elements where I saw my spirit guides, had a very high fever, and my body was fighting the wonderful treatment because it immediately went into fight mode. My body so full of distrust could not process letting go. I saw my beautiful childhood dog, Magenta, and a Native American