You Noticed That?: Who you were, what you were, and all the things you’ve caused... Have you ever noticed that?

By Anastasia Akbulut

About the Book
In this contemplative text, one woman confronts the many unknowns of her inner life, attempting to rectify the external with her internal world. Boldly facing the challenge of self-reflection and atonement of one’s mistakes, this stream-of-consciousness narrative invites the reader to enter a space of growth, discovery, and hope.
About the Author
Anastasia Akbulut was born in Istanbul, Turkey. She currently resides in Brooklyn, New York.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dorrance Publishing Company
• Release date: Dec 5, 2023
• ISBN: 9798890277565

Book preview

Akbulut_Title_Page.eps

The contents of this work, including, but not limited to, the accuracy of events, people, and places depicted; opinions expressed; permission to use previously published materials included; and any advice given or actions advocated are solely the responsibility of the author, who assumes all liability for said work and indemnifies the publisher against any claims stemming from publication of the work.

All Rights Reserved

Copyright © 2023 by Anastasia Akbulut

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted, downloaded, distributed, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, including photocopying and recording, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented without permission in writing from the publisher.

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ISBN: 979-8-89027-258-4

eISBN: 979-8-89027-756-5

~ Introduction/Foreword ~

Who am I?

Do I know who I am?

Do I know myself?

There is a person in me always looking for and questioning herself. A person trying to make sense of the existence I am. Trying to get to know herself. There is someone trying to judge herself without fear. There is a person who tries to embrace what she has done, what she has not done, what she has changed. Most importantly, there is someone trying to feel her self-presence. You know that in this life, some of us tell their own stories by drawing, some of us by speaking, and some of us by writing. I’ve opted to tell my own story through writing. I chose writing as my way of escape in honor of my experiences and I’m glad I did. The words in this book are the battles I have fought between my own personality and the world. It is the direction of my inner world where I try to show its ruthless war with the outer world.

I started to write this book considering my own life and the lives of those who tried to guide me. I saw and felt how what we did together with the hardships we went through had an impact on who we are and what we will become. I live this life trying to make sense of all the things people do. Even though most of the time what they did and said didn’t make sense, I tried to write them down and understand them in my own way. Maybe I couldn’t admit to myself and started writing because of the pain of not being able to talk to the one I should thank or to those I owe an apology. For many years, I have lived this life assuming I know who I am. Not only did I allow all the things I caused to grow with the poison inside me, I realized that I became one with it over time. I’ve spent all my time making definite judgments for myself, and unfortunately, I wasted it. I understood that it was necessary not to reach definite judgments in this game. In this game, I have always chosen to draw my own path and drawn it. Those around me, on the other hand, are only able to shape this path. I no longer have any expectations from anybody else. I don’t approach anyone with firm judgments anymore. I continue with what time has taught me, by integrating with my path. Sometimes I feel like I’m very lucrative in everything, and sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy with what’s inside my head. Without knowing my purpose in this life, I keep going without being asked. I’m getting lost inside my thoughts. I finally realized that I was too hard on myself with the definite judgments I’d given at the time. I was able to realize and rasp myself. To be honest, I can’t be said to be an easy person, but my difficulties are trying to be smoothed out with me. The ‘gossip’ that I have a strong personality and drive people nuts with it is true. I can tirelessly chase after what I believe to be true, but that doesn’t mean I’m not worn out. I’m not going to change the self I have shaped for anyone else. I don’t want to change the personality I already am; she is such an outspoken, truthful, rebellious, dare devil and tigerly personality against injustices. It is true that I am a character set that is often unpopular and unwelcome by everyone. (Who would care!) Frankly, I changed once, I never forgot the character I got under in my childhood. How can I forget? Every time a person reminds her of the turning point in which her life changed, as if it were a part of her that was missing from her. I am so grateful to him for bringing out this different personality. It is certainly thanks to him that you are able to read these pages now. The fact that you can find a piece of me in every sentence I write can complete the missing pieces inside you. Sometimes you can witness the unrest of my inner voice in my words or how worn out I am. But I am confidently able to say that I am so grateful that he made me never give up. Everyone has had or will have turning points that have changed their lives. Mine came out of that good-hearted person in my childhood. To that big-hearted person who believed in me and probably still does… (You’re still the main character in my life!)

~ The Creature Called Human ~

The being we call human is a living organism. Having two hands, walking on two feet, trying to communicate with words; according to philosophy, the type of living thing that is thought to have the ability to reason and think is called human. It is said that human is the most living (mobile) species on earth. According to what some people say, first of all, a human being is a being who reads, thinks, interprets, reveals new things, can dream, expresses his thoughts, makes sense or applies them.

What they meant by live, I won’t know that much! It is a mystery whether they mean the species they call alive or the lives we live. Because most of us are not happy with our lives! Without knowing what we want to be or what we are, we try to live without even being allowed to question things in this whirlpool called life. What we call human is just a term in my sight. Because human himself can neither meet the dictionary meaning nor know the moral value it carries. By no manner of means do we do justice to either party. While we exert any effort to achieve something, we forget what really matters in this life and compete with each other in a beastly manner. In fact, we sometimes crave to step on each other. At times we are not able to see the human we look like from the outside with our own inner eyes.

There can be nothing more absurd

in this world than the inability of

a human to bring humanity to life.

As if life’s difficulties weren’t enough, we are also scorned and shoved by others. Maybe if we, as humans, knew how to share, we wouldn’t have witnessed so much pain that we see and feel. We wouldn’t have messed each other up. The saddest thing is that maybe we wouldn’t be so hard on ourselves because of others. We wouldn’t make too much sense out of what others did. But it is such a cycle that when we have the opportunity to do the same things, we do the same to another without hesitation. We never stop and think about it. We never stop to think about what I felt at that moment and if this thing hurts me so much, why am I doing this to someone else? Which of us is honest with ourselves at that moment and realize what we do. When did doing everything we want without thinking about it bring our ability in our definition (?) to the fore. The ability to think and speak must be one of the most important miracles for human existence, I think. Of course, if it can be used… Whenever a human can realize the miracles given to him, that’s when he will be able to feel that he is human.

No one but himself can see or feel how a person struggles when he is locked in his own cage, and he spends his life trying to figure out how to get out of that cage without harming others or, worst of all, himself. Do you think a trapped bird could fly freely and escape without harming anyone? Can a goldfish survive in the vast ocean? How can a human protect himself from these thoughts in which he is imprisoned? When will such an exalted being realize that he is the most vulnerable being? How can this creature, which disregards all living things as if they don’t exist, have the right to declare itself the most important in this world?

I dare say,

We are the libertarian slaves of this life…

We battle, but is what we’re fighting worth for the freedom we’ve achieved? Will we ever be able to fill the emptiness we feel? When will we be able to notice? When will we be able to keep our eyes open and truly see?

I can’t blame you because here I am among you! I strive, I try.... Sometimes, even if it’s late, I’m able to notice it. What about you, do you ever question yourselves?

Do you ever ask yourself what kind of human you have turned into? Are you able to see and feel yourselves? Worst of all, what we are not aware of, and often cannot be, is that we continue to be the slaves of others’ lives rather than our own. If you don’t learn the lessons that time has given you, you will always remain a slave. You’ll be stuck in the cage you are in. In the end, there will be no one left to harm but yourself, because you will be defeated against yourself by time.

Because time is a tyrant game

that comes in quiet with life...

Yes, we humans can talk, but are we able to get along or simply are we listening to one another?

Do we want to listen?

We have the alleged ability to feel, but how many of us are trying to really feel and change things?

We should be able to have so-called empathy, but how many of us can actually understand or want to understand and use our ability to reflect on it?

How many of us are actually trying to do something, instead of trying?

How many of us are able to move forward without putting our own interests before those of others?

Humans surprise other species quite a lot, I’m sure!

Because they know how to surprise even me, who is human…

Humans consider themselves superior to nature,