It’s All your Fault (Or Should Be): Take Control Of Your Life-It Is Time To Give Yourself A Fighting Chance

By Dr. Thomas A. DiFranco

If you feel your life is out of control and that you are depressed, anxious, unhappy and lost, this book can show you a way out. The only things that you control are things for which you are in some way responsible. People spend a great deal of time telling themselves and others, how their problems are not their fault. If that is true, then their circumstance can only change if and when the responsible entity decides to ease up on them, which may never happen. On the other hand, if you are in someway responsible, it is you who controls when you ease up. When your unhappy circumstance is truly not your fault, then you are a victim of whomever is in fact, responsible. Allowing for the fact that there exists no happy victims, you are doomed to the consequences associated with being trapped in victimhood. This book can lead you out of this form of torture and misery. It can provide a pathway for taking control of your life and not shying away form the very thing you have always feared, the thing that can free you from being a victim, namely owning as much responsibility for your unhappy circumstances as possible. The methods of thinking and perception encouraged in these pages, can and likely will offer life-changing relief from the depressing and anxiety provoking world to which your current method of dealing dooms you.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Archway Publishing
• Release date: Jan 8, 2024
• ISBN: 9781665751452

Dr. Thomas A. DiFranco

Dr. DiFranco has been a Psychologist in private practice for more than 40 years. He has taught psychology and special education at the Graduate level. He has appeared on local television, served as consultant to police and fire departments, and has testified in numerous legal trials. In addition to psychotherapy, his practice includes hypnotherapy, biofeedback, and mediation.

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IT’S

ALL

YOUR

FAULT

(OR SHOULD BE)

Take

Control Of

Your Life-It Is Time

To Give Yourself

A Fighting

Chance

DR. THOMAS A. DIFRANCO

Copyright © 2024 Dr. Thomas A. DiFranco.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Archway Publishing

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Bloomington, IN 47403

www.archwaypublishing.com

844-669-3957

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 978-1-6657-5146-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6657-5144-5 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-6657-5145-2 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2023919512

Archway Publishing rev. date:  12/29/2023

With gratitude to my lovely and talented daughter

Alyson, whose skill and patience was immeasurable

and to the crew at Pelican Preserve who were of great

assistance in helping a computer illiterate.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I

cannot change, the courage to change the things I

can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

—Reinhold Niebuhr, American theologian (1892–1971)

CONTENTS

Preface

Introduction

Part I

Chapter 1 Where It All Begins

Chapter 2 Conventional Thinking

Chapter 3 The Art of Perception

Chapter 4 Anger Management

Chapter 5 Taking Control

Chapter 6 Expectation

Chapter 7 Perfectionism

Chapter 8 Self-Talk

Chapter 9 Choice Analysis and Decision-Making

Part II

Introduction

Chapter 10 Category 2: Problems Outside Our Control

Chapter 11 Get in Touch with Your Muscles

Chapter 12 Diaphragmatic Breathing

Chapter 13 Refuting Irrational Thoughts: Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda

Chapter 14 Assertiveness Training

Chapter 15 Bullying

Chapter 16 Feeling Sorry for Yourself

Chapter 17 Volunteering and Contributing

Chapter 18 Observation

Chapter 19 Defensiveness versus Objectivity

Part III

Introduction

Chapter 20 Nutrition

Chapter 21 Exercise

Chapter 22 Sleep

Chapter 23 Addiction

Chapter 24 Organization

Chapter 25 Discretionary Communication

Chapter 26 Some Final Thoughts

Epilogue

Appendix

PREFACE

Above all do not forget your duty to love yourself.

—Soren Kierkegaard

Why might me suggesting that you are the source of a great deal of your misery in this life, at first glance, seem to fly in the face of everything a psychologist is supposed to be doing for someone who is anxious, depressed, and generally unhappy with themselves and the world in which they are living? That is because, far too often, we are so busy trying to ensure ourselves and others that we are in no way responsible for our circumstance that we fail to grasp the essence of what it takes to come to terms with and deal with our problems.

Far too often, the fear of creating guilt in an individual or feeling guilty about our choices and decisions precludes our entertaining even the possibility of culpability. This trepidation prolongs our misery through immobility, and that failure to address our role in our happenstance dooms us to the status of victim and all the unhappiness that victimization carries with it.

The approach that reinforces how truly without fault one is, providing a sympathetic ear and blaming one’s developmental background, present environment, or helping them narrow down the search for someone to blame, provides no more than a psychological Band-Aid on a cut artery, especially if the nature of the problems are repetitive and rooted in a patient’s poor choices or bad decisions. This can lead to patients being unhappy with their therapists and concluding that psychotherapy is a lot of bunk.

In the following pages, I have outlined a way for a person to perform a self-evaluation, cutting through all the excuses, regardless of whether they are rooted in truth or fantasy, providing a way out of their misery by fearlessly taking control of their lives in order to give themselves a fighting chance at becoming a fully functioning, capable, self-actuating, happy individual.

Included within are insights on:

How perception colors our thinking and feelings about things and ways to adjust it to improve mood and reduce anxiety.

Ways to control anger, eliminating in large part the myriad consequences brought on by hasty, excessive reactions that are associated with unmanaged anger.

The recalibration of expectations to reduce disappointments and increase the chances of successful outcomes.

The management and reworking of the self-talk that streams constantly in our minds to allow it to work for—rather than against—our overall success and happiness.

Insights on how to refute irrational thoughts to reduce anxiety and feelings of hopelessness, allowing for greater choice analysis and more responsible decision-making.

Guidance on assertiveness and avoiding the tendency to feel sorry for oneself, which serves only to reinforce excuses for why we are—and will always remain—victims in this life.

Discussions of nutrition, exercise, and sleep in terms of the role they play in helping us cope with things in this life that are both within and outside our power to control.

You have a great deal more power and control over your mental and physical health than you might ever have imagined. Do not let another day go by in which you allow yourself to believe you have no control over the quality of your life and how you feel. Give yourself a fighting chance. The time to take control is right here, right now.

INTRODUCTION

If a man doesn’t delight in himself and the force in him and feel that it and he are wonders, how is all life to become important to him?

—Sherman Anderson, American novelist

I am a licensed psychologist who has been in private practice treating children, adolescents, and adults for more than forty years. Throughout that time, I have seen and attempted to treat just about every manner of psychological problem that there is. Also, as anyone who has worked in the behavioral sciences will attest, this means I have heard just about every conceivable excuse for why these problems have occurred or why they exist. Some of these excuses may be legitimate, but most, however, are lame. Rarely, if ever, do any of these excuses provide anything more than an example of just what does not work and precisely what not to do if you want to feel better and have a productive, hopeful life.

One afternoon in 1995, as the Cleveland Indians (now Guardians) were in what any Cleveland baseball fan would describe as a rare appearance in the World Series, a patient of mine was nice enough to present me with two box seat tickets in Section 165, right behind home plate.

I called a friend and asked him to meet me at the gate since I had patients scheduled almost right up until the first pitch.

Listening to the first inning while speeding to the Jake (Jacobs Field was renamed Progressive Field circa 2008), I was stopped and pulled over less than two miles from the stadium. The police officer was clearly agitated and rightly so. He asked, in typical fashion, if I knew how fast I was going. I said that I did not. Scowling, he said that I was clocked at more than ninety miles per hour. He asked what possible reason I might have for traveling at such a rate of speed? I responded, Because I’m an asshole—that’s why.

His scowl was replaced by a laugh. He said that in twenty-one years on the force, he thought he might have heard just about every excuse there was for speeding, but he had never heard that one. He asked where I was going. I told him in a respectful manner, and he let me go with a warning—and no speeding citation.

I was wrong, and I knew it. I also knew there was little I could say that would justify having placed myself and others at risk simply so that I could arrive at a baseball game earlier—even if it was, for many greater Clevelanders, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. The situation was beyond my power to change, and a quick analysis indicated that it was time to ’fess up. I needed to take responsibility. I set aside my World Series excitement to honestly appraise my behavior and concluded that it was way out of line. I had behaved like a jerk, and I deserved a ticket.

People come to psychologists for myriad reasons. Some come because they are seeking answers to questions about themselves that may have plagued them for many years. They might have been searching, sometimes desperately, for answers to unresolved issues from the past. Others are responding to outside pressure to seek help. Some have been ordered to do so by a court of law or an attorney who has strongly recommended that to do so would be in their best interest. Others need help battling unresolved feelings of guilt or shame. Some are seeking treatment for a psychosis or an emotional problem like depression or anxiety. Some are looking for help in meeting some need or goal. Some come for marriage or relationship counseling, and others come for help coping with work-related issues or need tools to assist them in their desire for advancement in their chosen occupations.

Whatever the reason, the ability to objectively accept responsibility for one’s actions in order to glean usable information and lessons from the past and make present adjustments by using perception and reason to make good choices and decisions plays a significant role in achieving whatever goals and expectations one has for psychological treatment.

There really is no you until you know you. A person is never able to legitimately give away anything that they do not possess. Therefore, allowing yourself to acquire characteristics that you can respect—and removing yourself from the ranks of the haplessly victimized—will enable you to have self-respect and an improved self-image. This will open the door to be able to first liking and then loving yourself. Besides improving the overall quality of your existence, these characteristics will enable you to truly love someone else, and with the development of your own identity, the door opens for a willingness to accept and believe that someone else can truly love you in return.

When you suffer from deep-rooted feelings of unworthiness, associated with years of negativism and feeling victimized, you may elicit concern and then pity from those around you who care. Eventually, those unfortunate enough to have prolonged contact with you will become weary and frustrated. Your perceptions of their reactions, regardless of intent, may give you cause to feel that they, like everyone else, could not possibly love or care about someone like you. You might not be pleasant to deal with or be around. After all, if you cannot find something about you to love, how or why should I?

A good test of whether or not you like yourself is examining if you are comfortable being alone. Must you always be in the company of someone else in order to enjoy an activity, try something new, or even do anything. Can you spend a day by yourself? Can you go to the movies or a museum alone? Do you not bother to prepare a meal if it is only for yourself? Can you eat at a table by yourself in a restaurant? Do the things you normally enjoy when you are accompanied by a friend or loved one become far less enjoyable if you are by yourself? Are you self-conscious about what people think about you when they see that you are alone? Do you avoid situations and pass up opportunities to do things of interest or importance because you have no one to do them with?

I have treated patients who travel for a living and restrict themselves strictly to meals in their rooms to avoid having strangers see them eating alone. Allowing ourselves to be governed and controlled by the opinions of others at such an oppressive level can only occur if our self-image and confidence are so low that we cannot possibly like or approve of who or what we are.

The world is full of people with opinions, but that in no way guarantees that their opinions are just or accurate. Furthermore, many of the opinions people internalize about themselves have not even been stated aloud. You may ascribe a negative opinion of yourself to someone else based on a feeling you had, a look they gave you, or an otherwise inaccurate perception that stems more from your damaged sense of self than from their disapproval.

If someone ridiculously voiced the opinion that you were not a person but a Harley-Davidson motorcycle, you would not blindly act on such an evaluation by placing yourself on display alongside the tricked-out show bikes competing during bike week at Daytona Speedway in Daytona, Florida. While blindly accepting such a preposterous opinion may seem