Circumstance and Consequences: A Journey of Love

By James Kozlik

Circumstance and Consequences is a tough love, romantic, self-help, spiritual, mystical memoir of sorts. A memoir of thoughts, in some cases what could have been, what was, and is, the author James Kozlik’s story.

If you are a passionate seeker of your " inner workings" or want to have deeper more fulfilling relationships, you might enjoy this book. Since so many of our lives run in parallel patterns, you just might identify with one of the characters. You just might start to discover your inner truths. Naked for all to see are the author’s inner thoughts and processes that he is willing to share because he truly believes our human form has a yearning to connect to a higher self. Some call it our own personal Divine Intelligence. And together we can support each other on our personal journeys.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Gatekeeper Press
• Release date: Oct 26, 2023
• ISBN: 9781662940316

Book preview

Introduction - A Journey of Love

If someone were to ask me to categorize this writing, I might call it a tough-love romantic, self-help, spiritual, mystical novel. It’s a memoir of sorts. A memoir of thoughts, in some cases, what could have been, what was, and story. It was an evolution. My personal spiritual growth started to have an effect on the story. By the time I finished the raw first version, as I self edited, I actually found myself crafting this story in a more meaningful way. There were times I would get choked up or shed tears. As I got involved with the characters, I re-lived the pain and joy, the fear and courage that existed in my life. I realized a new beginning for my life. My new faith.

The ego can really get in the way of the naturally occurring progressions of one’s life. At least for me. Hey, I appreciate ego, when it’s happy, or proud of accomplishments, or driven by purpose. Those are times when it is a healthy ego. And then there is the ego that has judgments, biased perception, anger, depression, and a whole slew of negative energy. The story touches on all of these aspects of ego. I hope you enjoy the flow of this story. Do you remember that song by Foreigner, I Want to Know What Love Is? In one of the videos made for that song, there was a beautiful ending, with all of the people, the audience, gathered together, shaking hands, hugging, chatting, smiling, and carrying on in a high euphoric manner. This story strives for that type of connection. The main character, Jim, urges his ego out of self-exile and immerses himself into the purpose of just being. Flowing with his life in general, every connection taking on a new meaning, Jim begins to appreciate his personal life out of bondage. The self-imposed limitations are conquered by a steadfast desire to seek a mind that has unlimited potential. Jim discovers his heart, and that his heart can lead the mind away from a destructive ego towards an ego that thrives on love. The supporting cast of characters are beneficial to the story as they appear in Jim’s life because he is seeking connection.

Each of his connections is different and provides him with exactly what he needs on his journey. And there is a spiritual guide who explains the meaning of Jim’s direction as he walks the Medicine Wheel. I sure hope you can connect with the story. It’s not a murder mystery, rather, it’s the mystery of one man’s life. One man’s journey of love.

James Kozlik July 2023

Circumstance and Consequences

Everything that happens, when it has significance, is in the nature of a contradiction. Until the one for whom this is written came along I imagined that somewhere outside, in life, as they say, lay the solutions to all things. I thought, when I came upon her, that I was seizing hold of life, seizing hold of something which I could bite into. Instead I lost hold of life completely. I reached out for something to attach myself to—and I found nothing. But in reaching out, in the effort to grasp, to attach myself, left high and dry as I was, I nevertheless found something I had not looked for—myself.

Henry Miller "Tropic of Capricorn"

Prologue

It was a rough night, going over the past with Julian. Being reminded of how I was in pursuit of a successful business lifestyle. Always going to workshops that promised wealth. Chasing some kind of business deal or partner that was the next best way to make a buck. I remember our dialogue that night, Julian saying, You were with William, a new partner, the womanizer, starting in the morning then all day and night. More married to him than to me. I was raising our family. What were you doing? I really didn’t have a comeback. I knew I could have set limits, been more of a father. I’ve had it. I am heading back to Montana.

A month later, I finally realized how much I missed Julian and family. I ended my time with William and pursuing wealth that was so elusive. And in the early morning hours after an all-night ride, I snuck into bed with Julian, snuggled to a cold shoulder and felt the resentment that she still maintained because of my choices. Over time the resentment from both of us disappeared. Love was back in our relationship, and we were eventually pursuing a family life together. This time Julian pursued her desires, and I realized my destiny as a father, not a wealth builder. The children were eventually grown and gone to pursue their journeys.

And, years later, this night, it was a different kind of disagreement. Both of us were on two separate paths. Not quite honoring each other’s pursuits. There was something missing in our relationship. We both knew it, felt it. The honest communication was lacking. Our love connection was weak. We needed a way to find ourselves, who we really are. Julian felt it more than me. I was dedicated to work again and with my free time I pursued self-interest activities that didn’t necessarily include Julian.

Julian, we do things together!

Mostly what you want to do!!

Oh, come on . . . That was the best I could do. I was frozen with locked-up emotions and feelings.

There’s a distance between us. I don’t feel your soul connection. I don’t feel us. All we’ve been through in the past, all of the reconciliation and resolve we managed to work through, I feel is taken for granted. I love you. I just can’t live like this. I need some spirituality in our lives, some meaning deeper than what’s on the surface. Can you understand that? Do you hear me?

I hear you. You don’t think I have feelings or love you?

Aghhh, that is not what I am saying. You’re not listening. I love you. I want to love you more. I need more heart-to-heart contact.

With that comment I froze. After all the years of being the provider, this is what I get? I reacted, in a negative way. We had a blow out and never came to a resolve. When I came back home after a day of work, she was gone. Two days passed and no Julian, no note, no phone call, just gone!

It’s happened before, lost in the woods once. Pursuing a male spiritual channel another time. Walking out of a business deal, threatening to leave. Always coming back, like a magnet we managed to have a love that was so deep we always found a way back. What we needed was grace in our relationship. We needed to find our own individual selves, a higher meaning in relationship. This I lamented about, what could I have done to improve our relationship? I grieved the loss, blaming myself, and worried for Julian’s life. I filed a disappearance with the local authorities. And finally about five years later I decided it was time to change the dial.

Chapter 1: Nude Models

Julian had a way to get me to express my feelings. She was usually getting me to go beyond my resistance to FEEL. Emotions, empathy, compassion, anger, and the list goes on. After several years of letting suffering thoughts lead me into a deep rut, I decided enough was enough. Depressive states are not friendly. As I walked from my massage office through the sunlit parkway amidst community gardens and hiking trails, I thought of the opportunity to meet people by taking some classes at the college. My mind is wondering and in thought of a world where nudity was common. A place where we could feel safe with each other. Admire the human form in its purest denominator. Nonjudgmental, just pure respect, no need for hiding what we already know is under the garments we wear. An openness among people of all size, color, and race. Free from sexual thoughts, just enjoying the nude beach, or nude hot springs in an innocent way. Oh man, what a lurid fantasy! I better reel my thoughts in. This is a waking dream, whew, here’s the school. Alright, Jim, pull yourself together.

Adult education at the Junior College left me with a lot of options to pick and choose what I wanted to dive into. And tonight it was Art! Sketching nudes. I wanted to pursue my interest in art. I decided on a body anatomy sketch class. No particular reason. It was available, and I had been looking through a very dated book on sketching the human body. I found it lying around my folks’ home years ago and somehow ended up with it. As I entered the room and took a place, there were two models. The male in his tight swimming trunks and the female totally naked. I was a bit surprised. I was under the impression nude modeling was for a private artist. I didn’t expect nude modeling in a public school room. I observed the models. They had a nonchalance about them. Not much in a way of any expressions from either model. They acted as if we hadn’t entered the room. Eduardo, the instructor, was instructing them on how he wanted them to pose. They took their poses, eyes averting from us patrons in the class. Eduardo introduced both Stephanie and Frank by first names only. He thanked them for showing up.

Frank seemed stoic. That’s what I surmised from his body language. He had a muscular build right out of a muscle-building magazine. His body was like a chiseled sculpture. It’s a good look. He has a well-proportioned body. Blonde hair with a little curl over his forehead. Glasses, no smile, and he’s focusing maybe at a spot on the wall? Hands clasped in front of him, perhaps a Mr. Universe pose for the judges. That was his pose.

Stephanie’s hair was kind of a strawberry blonde? Longish hair but not real long, shoulder length with some long strands cascading over her shoulders. She was pretty, not glamorous, but intriguing. I wonder what her life is like. Same as Frank, she is staring at something. Stephanie has one leg propped up on a stool, half sitting. Nice breast slightly upturned, nipples are stiff and erect. Nothing is sagging. Like Frank, well proportioned. And focused on a spot on the wall perhaps?

Big sketch pads of paper on easels, a bottle of various pencils ready for us eager and reluctant wannabes. All the materials we need to sketch was waiting for us when we entered the room. We settle in, about seven of us.

Good evening, I am glad to see that you all made it tonight. This will be a small, intimate class. My name is Eduardo. He has thick, black-rimmed glasses to match his eyebrows. A military cut for a hairdo. I wonder if he used some grease to make the bristly, thick black hair stand upright? He’s Spanish, but has very little accent. Strong features and yet a gentle demeanor and a rather soft voice.

Tonight I want you to just sketch what you see. I’ll be walking around looking over shoulders, but don’t mind me, just sketch, remarks Eduardo.

I wonder what are the expectations of Eduardo? How am I supposed to draw? Classic lines? Details? Just sketch what? What I see and how I want it on paper are two different results. My mind begins to wander. Julian’s face and supple body keep appearing. She is so vivid in my thoughts right now! God, I see her in her bathing suit at the beach, or when she’s dressed for a night out in one of those long, sheer dresses she fashioned many times, shimmering as she walks. And I recall her wearing a short robe, legs a sight to behold, as she finishes her day in the kitchen getting Sleep Ease tea.

I am startled as I can feel Eduardo pause over my shoulder, then move on since I haven’t even applied pencil to paper yet. And so I start, with Frank. But the lines seem so abrupt on my paper. I get bold with thick, black chalk lines. He has swimming trunks on. What am I going to do about that? They become a focal point and I start sketching the rest of Frank’s upper torso as if he were a Grecian sculpture with no arms. The sketch is taking on a Cubistic form. I flip the paper and take a look at Stephanie. Hmmmm, her body has a nice, soft flow to it. The curves and posture have a relaxed manor. Yet, my sketch is of form, not of what I actually see, but of what I feel. Flowing curvy lines intersect with each other and I sketch a figure. Not exact features of the model, Stephanie, rather an abstract form, much like the sketch of Frank. The lines aren’t as sharp for Stephanie. Nonetheless, it is somewhat abstract.

What do you think, James? asks Eduardo as he peers over my shoulder.

Gee, I kind of took a different path than classic line drawing of a figure. I’m not sure about it yet.

Oh. Um, that’s alright, I like it. You did something different. Here comes Stephanie now. A robe on, as the time has expired.

What do you think, Steph? asks Eduardo. She must be a regular model. They seem to be casual with each other, as if they’re friends or well acquainted, artist and model.

Uh, I like it. That’s different. I don’t think anybody has ever drawn me like that.

With so many of my thoughts reflecting on my time with Julian, I have a short memory of being very present with the creative process, this night. Yet nothing could circumvent the joy of creating something on paper. I wonder what it would be like to be a model for an artist.

Chapter 2: Help Wanted

A few days later, as I am walking through the school hallway, my eyes catch a small sign on the door of another art classroom. I walk up to the door. Nude models needed $35/hr. I peer through the glass. Lights out, nobody there. I get this sensation starting in my belly and sort of working up to my throat. A nervous feeling. Am I witnessing the desire to be a model? That seems way out of my comfort zone. I am peeking through the door window, into the classroom, wondering what it might be like, when all of a sudden I hear a voice.

Hi, are you looking at the help wanted sign?

Oh, yeah, I was just thinking . . .

We really need nude males. We just don’t get many.

Oh. So thirty-five an hour?

She has this amused smile. The look in her eyes is disarming. It’s like the start of a . . . seduction? What is she thinking?

You can wear swim trunks if you want, but not baggy ones.

Oh, I think I can handle being naked. I don’t believe I said that. What’s gotten into me?

She says, Yeah, you’ll do it? Can you come back in an hour? It’s hard to find a male to pose nude.

And here I am, an hour later with the artist shuffling into the room. I enter and she looks up, with that amused smile that will haunt me forever!

Oh, great, so you’re going to do it? Sorry, I didn’t get your name.

James.

She grabs my hand, and with a shake, she introduces herself as Molly. Just Molly.

I have a need to connect with people. And this might seem like a desperate way to do it. But I am intrigued as to what it might feel like to be a model for an artist, let alone a room full! What are the boundaries between model and, in this case, a room full of artists? That is what I am about to find out as Molly leads me to a corner for me to get ready. I take off my clothes, wondering how many eyes are already on me.

Are you ready, James? I think I’ll have you stand here, in the middle of the room. Can everybody see our model? Let’s have you turn around, slowly so everyone can take in what they are about to draw.

As I do this, I take in the eyes of those in the room. It’s a mixed class, age-wise. There are peers, then some older and some younger females and males. A nice mix. I feel comfortable since the eyes don’t reveal much emotion. I am just a model, or am I? What do they see? Just a body or a personality? I am not quite sure where this nude modeling venture will lead too. It has my mind twirling.

Let’s have you take a pose with your legs spread out and your arms, too, instructs Molly.

Like the DaVinci man? I say this tongue-in-cheek, but she takes it seriously.

Yeah, yeah, good.

Molly circles me with that disarming smile and her searching eyes. Can I touch you?

Yes

A giggle . . . Look how the body hairs pronounce the muscular arrangement on James’s skeleton. I need you to hold this pose. Okay, let’s start sketching.

So here I am and all I can think of was how Frank and Stephanie, in my sketching class, were focused on something other than us students. However, my eyes look up and there’s Frank! Frank the model in my night class, the guy with the swim trunks! Wow, what’s he doing here? Next to him are two older women. They may be in their late sixties? My eyes dart to a gal with a huge smile. I wonder what she’s smiling about. I can’t help but grow a smirk on my face.

This might be interesting. I look around and staring at me is Joni! Yikes, she’s a massage client of mine!! What do I expect to happen? What will happen? And Molly? The way she looks at me with direct eye contact. Is she wondering if I’ll be back? Maybe as a dedicated model? Well, I might as well continue with my wondering eyes. Oh my gosh, it’s Nirvana, my yoga teacher. This is getting crazy. She’s shaking her head and smiling, then gives me this exasperated look of surprise. There’s a guy that seems rather reserved, quiet like. Thank goodness I don’t know him. Next to Nirvana is a Native American, just going about his business, sketching, not looking up at me. And finally I look to his left and there’s a set of eyes that lock into my eyes. I feel as if I am being stared at. Ha ha, of course, I am the subject in the room!!

Chapter 3: Who’s Watching?

Fear and fearlessness—it was a while ago, long before I met Julian, my partner forever! I was with Fritz, a ski buddy. We’re climbing along a narrow rock ledge. There is a sheer vertical wall rising above us and a vertical cliff below us. It’s a mountain goat path below the Baldy Chutes at Alta Ski Area. I am young and fearless. The fear of a misstep is diminished with the thought of dropping into a steep chute of deep Utah powder. We drop in and the turns are effortless. Puffs of snow spray over my googles, causing a temporary whiteout with every turn. Fear of not seeing clearly is gone. I have a line of direction and that is all I need to trust that I will come to my destination when the final turn is made.

Okay, I met the artists, and I trust my intuition for exposing myself, physically naked. I am either baring my soul, being an open book, or I have this issue with inhibitions and I am taking the extreme way to explore that trait that I would like to get rid of once and for all. Fearlessness is the emotion I feel. What will I take away from this experience? I bare my physical body to strangers, but what I really am doing in my mind is baring my soul. I hope that these strangers will get to know me as I get to know them. And a couple of them know me on the surface. Now maybe we’ll know each other in a different way.

For you, the reader, I want to describe my first impressions of these strangers. Etch them in your memory. They show up throughout the novel. We become a band of humans seeking relationships with deep connections.

Jerry seems to be soft-spoken. He sits up front at the tip of the horseshoe shape that Molly (the instructor) has arranged the sketching easels. I quickly and quietly study his body language. His mannerisms seem rather shy, or maybe just he’s an introvert. It’s something I can recognize since I too have a quiet, soft-spoken tendency. It’s an effort for me to want to engage with others. Fear of having to express myself. What will others think of me? So I find it amazing that I somehow was so quick to model! Jerry gives me a slight nod, and then looks down at his sketch pad.

Joni, fifties? Long, flowing waves of black hair with a solid, full, robust body. The body of a Grecian goddess. She's a massage client of mine. We have a very professional client/therapist relationship. We are surprised when we make eye contact, even though we are familiar with each other. Will this have any effect when we see each other at the next appointment? She looks familiar, with glasses on, and I wonder, does she know me from another time? It’s her eyes that draw me in, a silver blue, sparkling like my lost lover Julian’s eyes. Maybe, just maybe, she’s been sent to me as a sign that Julian is still alive and well. My mind is constantly playing with me, hope beyond belief.

Sexy Sadie and Jenny are lovers, friends, and partners. That’s what I am guessing about their relationship. Sadie has this playful, teasing, and amused look on her face. Jenny is giggling as Sadie whispers into her ear while keeping her playful eyes on me. Jenny’s broad smile exposes her chipped tooth. Long, black hair with a spattering of freckles across the bridge of her nose and the upper portion of her cheeks. They seem comfortable with their relationship. Of course I am in a judgmental state when I think this. How would I really know?

And why do I even go there, instantly thinking they’re lovers when I don’t even know them? My mind plays games with me sometimes. Really what I witness is the love flowing from them. So that is refreshing!

Arthur (Japanese), the tall, gangly-haired artist. His confident look makes me think that he’s a true artist with his art in galleries. Focused, nonjudgmental, just doing his art. I want to find out what motivates him to be in this class when he is seemingly already an accomplished artist. Is he in this sketching class to improve his skills? I want to see his sketches. Then I’ll know if I have him pegged correctly. But this is what I do, sizing up people, making guesses of who they are, and I don’t even know them! Anyway, I just appreciate having fun with intuition!

The Yogi—Nirvana (African American) (Sheik)—my Kundalini yoga teacher (in another adult ed class I take). We chant, meditate, discuss the Hindu philosophy. She is insightful and a guide to raising my consciousness.

Deloris and Faye, the elders, they sit together as old friends would. Unlike Sadie and Jenny, Deloris and Faye seem to be here for something to do. They seem to want to be engaged in life, ageless in mind and enthusiasm.

Joseph, a Native American. My intuition is telling me that somehow he is here on my behalf. Am I to think that there will be lessons to be learned from him. He has the wizened look of an elder. Much like Deloris and Faye, he seems engaged with life. His dark brown eyes lock with mine. I smile and nod my head reverently.

Frank, he is the stoical model in my sketching class. Wow, this is the third person that I have a connection with outside of this class. By now I am wondering if it’s a coincidence that Frank is also in this sketch class and I just met him in the sketch class that I am taking.

Sammie, a self-proclaimed gay guy! Here I go, into judging someone by their mannerisms. What is the feeling I am sensing? I want to surrender to an unlimited mind that erases old beliefs or misconceptions, and connect with people in a nonsexual loving way. They say, Love is Compassion, not only for others, but also for the self. Now that I’ve had that thought and shared it with you the reader, it is the biggest lesson for me to grasp onto right now. I have desired a relationship since my separation with Julian.

Molly, the teacher—great looks and proportions. The constant smile and sparkling eyes haunted me throughout the semester. She seems to have taken a special interest in me, protective, nurturing and concerned for my well-being. At least this is my desire, and my perception that I got from our first meeting and introduction, when she saw me looking at the help-wanted sign posted on the classroom door. Isn’t that what a true friend is? Someone who is there for you when you need support?

Stephanie is the female model in my sketch class and she occasionally poses in Molly’s class as well as Eduardo’s. I want to get to know her a little, in a respectful way. I have an attraction, but that's all it is. There’s a certain kind of respect that I have as I sense she is a regular model, so there is an intimacy I feel. Her nonchalant manner gives her an air as a professional model. It inspires me to take the poses seriously, be professional about the opportunity. A service to the artist, so they can sketch a figure that they can connect emotionally with. This will be a unique journey for me!

I wonder if Frank is a regular model too. After all, Molly said it’s hard to get male models.

Chapter 4: The Coffee Hut—My Place to Connect

I have a little time, so I meander over to the Coffee Hut. I have molded myself into the atmosphere of the Coffee Hut as a regular. I enjoy seeing the comings and goings of others. I like to sense what the start of their day might be like. I grab a cup of coffee and a donut and find a seat near the window. I like to people watch . . . it is fascinating to me. Oh, I see Jerry with a woman entering the Hut. I keep my eyes on them, literally willing Jerry to see me and come over and sit, chat, whatever. BOOM, he sees me and they wonder over. Howdy, Jerry, have a seat.

Of course, yeah, we'll join you. James, meet my fiancé, Gerry.

I get up and shake both of their hands. Eager to make friends. That is my commitment to myself. I know Julian would want me to get on with my life, get beyond the grieving.

Jerry - Well, this is kind of uncomfortable for me. This is the guy, James, modeling totally nude. I could never do that. What gets into someone’s mind to do such a thing? Of course, I signed up for a Human Anatomy sketch class. I just didn’t think I’d suddenly meet the model over a cup of coffee. So, James, I am curious, what motivated you to pose?

Gerry, You guys know each other? Jerry, you never told me there’s nude models in your class.

Well, it never occurred to me to give you all of the details. I didn’t know you’d be interested in my art. It’s just a hobby.

Okay, mister, I’d like to know what your story is, too.

Oh, man, I should have seen that coming. I was contemplating that the first day, when I met Molly the art instructor. I was intrigued after taking an evening class with Eduardo. You know him?

Yeah, I’ve taken his class before too. The response is from Jerry.

I still don’t have a full grasp of why or what I am doing, posing nude. Sometimes my thoughts go towards embarrassment and other times I look at it as an experience, you know, living life experientially. Does that make any sense to you? And then there was the way Molly looked at me and couldn’t believe she found a nude male model. I couldn’t refuse the offer. I was lured in by her surprise and amusement.

Well . . . It’s Gerry. Hummmm, ahhh, wow. No, I think you're showing off. She’s a feisty Latin gal with a quick tongue and calling my bluff.

I’m not sure if that’s the term I’d use, showing off. It’s a test of my ego, for sure. You know, what will people think of me?

Ha, maybe I should take the class. What do you think, Jerry? She’s laughing, taunting. What does your wife think? Are you married? Do you have a woman?

No, my wife vanished several years ago. I want to believe that she’s still alive. After years of grieving, I felt it was time to start engaging with people again.

I’m sorry to hear that, about your wife. Nude modeling is a wild way to reconnect with people, don’t you think? You ever think about joining a grieving group?

Like I said, I keep asking myself why am doing this, modeling nude. I could wear swimming trunks. It’s crazy, I know. However, I committed to pose and I get paid for it. So I look at modeling as a job.

Jerry, I am sorry to know about your wife too. We need to get going. I’ll see you in about an hour. He seemed to be avoiding any type of comment. He motioned to Gerry with a nod as he started to get up from his seat.

Gerry, Nice meeting you, James. And I wish you well with your grieving, and new job, living life and enjoying your experiences. Is that what you said? Gerry gives me a wink.

Chapter 5: The Teaser and the Madian

I am back as a model. I decided to continue on. I have this loyalty issue. Once I commit to something or someone, I don’t feel like letting them down. I felt like I dropped the ball with Julian. The class meets once a week for about twelve weeks. This is week two. Folks are shuffling in . . . Jerry takes the first easel. Molly is getting the room situated.

Jerry - Whoa, a nude male model. This is a little intimidating for me. I’m not one to be gawking at a male’s privates. I wonder what makes guys like him so uninhibited. I wonder if he’s gay or if he’s a friend of Molly. I am curious what Frank and Joseph are going to think about this. What if . . . ? Oh my, that would be some kind of a fiasco. Ha!

Wow, Joni settles in slot two. It’s hard to believe that Joni is one of my clients. I started a small massage therapy practice after years of chasing the almighty dollar. I have settled into a different lifestyle. I went to school and picked up a massage license. It’s ironic that I became a healer even as I am healing my inner wounds. Maybe to help with my own healing? Anyway, there is something about the way she is suddenly looking at me. Like she knows me? Well, at least she has a really friendly demeanor.

Joni - Well, I have been a client of his for a while, and he’s still not recognizing me. I know it’s been probably twenty years since our brief encounter, but geez, you’d think by now he’d have a line, you know Hey, don’t I know you from somewhere? Not Jim, gosh I think I’ll have to be the aggressor with him. He has stayed in my thoughts for so long, wondering what might have been, and now here he is in my life, but not. I know one thing: I am not giving up on him. I know some of his history, and I know he is available now.

Sadie and Jenny, the younger gals, are full of laughter. One of them looks at me and whoever’s not gazing at me is whispering into the other’s ear until giggling and laughter starts up! I turn to their right and . . .

Sadie- Okay, what’s this guy doing as a nude? Men will do anything to get our female attention.

Hey, Jenny, I whisper, Let’s have some fun with this guy. Watch, I’ll bet I can make him have a hard on.

Now wouldn’t that be something. It’d be the talk of the art classes for a while. What a story that’d make. I think I’ll text some of my friends and have them peek through the door window. After all, it seems like he wants some kind of attention.

Jenny is whispering in my ear, Did you know that some animals have a bone in their penis! Laughter (a giggle).

No, you don’t say, disgusting. Let’s see how he handles a sexy tease.

You’re not going to do that, Sadie, that’s rude!

Jenny - Well, I am not opposed to men like Sadie is. He has such a look on his face—what is it, astonishment? He looks almost sheepish like maybe he is out of his comfort zone and he knows it. How’d Molly get him to do it? It’s surely not the money. This will be interesting, especially with Sadie’s antics. She is ready to take advantage of the situation.

Arthur, the Japanese guy, is looking serious. He has a determination about him, to get something done, or accomplished!

Arthur - Well, Molly has done the near impossible, getting a male nude. Finally, I have an inspiration for my next project. I hope he sticks around. Molly is good at mixing up poses. I can create a band of figures. Yeah, that would work. Oh yeah, I am inspired.

Next to Arthur is my yogi instructor, who gives a big smile and a nod. Nirvana, tall, black, and beautiful, with a white turban wrapped around her head.

Nirvana - Well, well, it’s Jim. Unbelievable. There will be some interesting discussion with him. Maybe I can create a personalized chakra chart for him. Use his figure and add the chakras with side comments. I can create a gift for him. I wonder if he’d hang it up on a wall at home? A focus of self towards higher consciousness. Hummm, yeah, we have enough time for me to get his figure right. Oh boy, this will be fun!

Deloris and Faye, now they seem an interesting duo.

Deloris - Oh my word, too bad I’m beyond my prime. I hope Molly doesn’t have high expectations. There might be some parts missing in my drawings. I’m still somewhat of a Puritan at heart!

Faye - Okay, I’ve seen it all now. I am amused. Well, art is a creative process, so it’ll be interesting what I focus on, ha ha. I really enjoy my time spent with Deloris. Us oldies should have fun with this drawing class.

Frank is standing ready to go. I am amazed that there are three people in the class whom I already know.

Frank - Small world we have. He saw me in my swim trunks. So is this guy trying to one up me? Or what? Does he have a gender thing? Molly outdid herself this time. I’ve got to find out what this guy is all about.

Joseph makes his way around the horn, smiles as he excuses himself bumping into people, with a boisterous excuse me and a chuckle.

Joseph - Oh my, a white man buffalo!

And finally, Sammie, smooth skinned, tan, and reserved.

Sammie - Oh my God! A male study and he seems fearless. Not a bad body. Ooo, I wonder what his sexual preferences are? I better settle down. I don’t even know this man or his personality. He did notice me. I saw him look.

Molly, HI, James, how was your weekend and week so far?

Good, good . . . didn’t do much, got in an Alpine hike . . . and yours?

It was alright. I actually was able to work on my art projects! Hey, today I’ll have you pose with your hands on your knees, head held up. If your neck starts getting stiff we'll rest. Can you like, hold your breath in?

Like this? I take a yoga pose and Molly is excited. Yes, yes you can hold that pose for a while?

Molly has me posing on the side of the room close to and between Joni, Sadie, and Jenny.

Nothing is happening for a while, just the quiet scratching of pencils, and charcoal. A whisper and giggle escape off to my right and Sadie is whispering something to Jenny while she is eyeballing me from head to foot. Next thing I know is she’s asking me for a date! Come on I am a fun date. Oh, look, you’re getting excited already!

I peek over at Joni. First her jaw dropped, then a smirk and shake of her head! I am feeling very self-conscious. After all, I don’t even have a fig leaf to hide behind. Molly has me turn in different directions so that the artists can get different views, and I am steering directly at Sadie. I focus on being a model and relax. Who knows what she's sketching? I don't care at this point. I'm just relieved that I can stay unattached from thoughts that don’t serve me (right now) and wouldn’t be in the best interest of the class. All humor aside, I decide to look at Sadie with direct eye contact. She connects eye to eye. In my peripheral vision it appears that the smirk is gone from Joni and Jenny is no longer smiling. They seem to be minding their own business. First it seems that we are locked into sizing each other up, seeing how we might connect. I am silently asking her to look at my heart, my soul.

What do you see, Sadie? I am not like the perception you may have of men in general. Get rid of your perception, you are teasing, be a professional artist. Draw me with a compassionate eye. Can you?

Sadie - Oh boy, this guy going to do a stare down. I wonder if anybody else is watching us. Or are they just drawing? I am not going to take my eyes off of him. I am not going to submit and look away. That would be like an apology. All of a sudden he’s a hard (pun intended) ass? Okay, what’s he thinking? Where are we going with this? Well, maybe he took me seriously, but most guys would have responded! Then I could reject the man, Just kidding, too small. Ha, maybe he’s just a shy guy and doesn’t have a clue how to react? Okay, I’ll pretend I am drawing. I’ll let you off the hook, Jimmy! Isn’t that what Molly said his name was? . . . James.

I can hear Molly going around the room giving words of encouragement and suggestions. Sadie has decided to sketch, after she gave me a wink! A real teaser . . . or maybe not. Ugh, thank God she decided to draw.

Class is over. Soon I am dressing, and I wait for everyone to clear out before I get my paycheck. Molly has a smirk, too. Molly, you have to keep me away from Sadie. She’s a wild woman. I know what she wants to see happen.

Oh, what’s that, Jim?

Come on, Molly, I need your support or the deal is off!

The smirk is gone. "Okay, sorry, I just find the situation humorous. I realize that I need to maintain a professional decorum. However, there will be times when your exposure will be a test of your will power. You okay with that? Look, men’s genital seems to be pretty spontaneous, so it’s up to you to have self-control. I don’t know what else to say. I am appreciative for your willingness to model nude. I really feel that speaks of