Unpredictable Stock Triggered by Uncontrollable Emotions

By Billy Beans

An autobiographical story of the too frequent lows and at times seemingly unachievable highs of surviving addiction.

I was finally stabilized, it was time to leave my home in North Dakota and travel cross country. But the relapses kept hitting including in Alabama, Florida, and Las Vegas. Will stability be possible or will the history of addiction win?

There are happy points in my journey: meeting previously unknown family, gainful employment, and revisiting a lost love. However, bouts of relapse keep interrupting my progress which is torpedoed by COVID-19. Everywhere feels like a War Zone, and a deep depression ensues. A search for professional help to handle the depression doesn’t go well. It’s time I take a stand, for myself, my health, and my sanity. Help finally comes in the form of a Higher Power. God has been watching over me the whole time, I was just too lost to recognize His presence.

Will I stay sober? Will I stay connected to family? Can my faith sustain me in my journey? These are the key questions needing solved on my perilously life journey. A true story which hopefully will lend hope to others experiencing addiction.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Gatekeeper Press
• Release date: Oct 6, 2023
• ISBN: 9781662938061

Book preview

CHAPTER 1

A Human, Then a Building, Now a Rising Stock, Continues

Iwas struggling in the area where I grew up. The area that was once my home had since then become a war zone; an area I’d left after losing my beloved Lady Bird. Losing Lady Bird, a loyal companion for ten years, was the last straw that broke the camel’s back. After I lost her, I knew that I needed to change for the better. Change is never easy, but nor is it impossible; I am living proof of that.

Lady Bird was a small, medium-brown dog with a mix of chocolate lab, springer spaniel and another unknown breed. After my brother’s life was taken, she came into the picture. Another brother that lived in Devils Lake, ND had found her, but he couldn’t keep her because he was living in a group home. I decided to take her.

I can’t really remember why or if I wanted a dog, but maybe we needed each other at that time. I treated her like a daughter, but never spoiled her. At the end, she ate all the leftover sandwiches she could from the Four Bears Casino where I lost her. If she didn’t eat them, they would have gone to waste; that was the reason my mom brought them home. I brought her with me to go see a girl and got pulled over a few miles down the road. I had warrants out for my arrest but thought I was safe on the reservation. The police officer assured me she would be returned to my mother, but that never happened. I bonded out of jail and made the decision to do the right thing and go to court, but they threw me back in jail. My mom attempted to pick her up, but they wouldn’t release her, claiming she needed ownership papers. After I got released, they wouldn’t tell me if she was killed or hauled off to a shelter.

My drivers’ license had been revoked for four years. I had been in treatment early in 2018 for a month and a half. After release from treatment, I was living in Jamestown, ND with a man who claimed he had adopted me, Father Bill. I may have been drinking or slipping up once a week, but it was not as bad as drinking every day. I am not saying this to justify, nor am I proud of, my actions from the past.

On May 5, 2018, I booked a ticket through CareLessHound from Jamestown, ND to Charlotte, NC. To save money, I bought the ticket a month in advance. In June, I said goodbye to North Dakota, for I hoped it would be the last time I’d see it. The motivation for the trip was to see a friend I’d met on social media in 2010. The only other time I’d ever taken a bus was when I visited my sister in St Joseph, MO. When traveling by bus, you never know what to expect. I can’t recall any bad experiences with this trip besides the long hours and being unable to sleep peacefully. Depending on where you’re going, I’ve noticed that the deeper south you go, the worse the bus stations would be. It got to the point where I’d barely eat just to avoid using the restrooms. The lobbies were a little cleaner than the restrooms, but not by much.

If I did have to use a restroom and had a layover, I would find a gas station bathroom. Yes, a gas station bathroom! How could it be cleaner??? Remember, employees are only as good as the leadership of a company, which I feel is one reason the company is in very bad shape. To this day, I will not take a bus unless I have to. It’s an experience; though not a good one, depending on your direction and how much you have in your pocket.

The bus trips would last anywhere from forty to sixty hours or longer depending on the price, day, distance, and number of breakdowns. One station that comes to mind is in Atlanta, GA. I remember it being crowded and there would be sketchy people trying to sell anything, including drugs. Unfortunately, there was a long layover here. During the time I was there, I stayed in one spot and never ventured out. I never had any problems here that I recall, but was on high alert and would avoid any if possible.

Welcome to North Carolina

My mother called to check up on me. When I told her where I was, she thought I was drunk, but I had a sober mind when the decision was made. The friend I met on social media bailed on me, but I was only here for a day or two. I ended up in a town called Wilkesboro, which is located eighty-five miles north of Charlotte, where I stayed at the Catherine H. Barber Memorial Homeless Shelter. There were two parts of the town, the original and the north. The north side started being developed after some kind of disagreement between the townsmen. Walking wise, I was not a fan of the north since it had very steep hills.

In spite of its big name, the Catherine H. Barber Memorial Homeless Shelter was just a regular house made into a shelter. We were only allowed in the shelter at certain time periods. I had my backpack when I went out and looked homeless wearing the blue holey shorts that I still have to this day. The max limit for staying here was two weeks. I met people here, but not enough to justify a longer stay. I slightly remember stopping in Winston-Salem, maybe it was on the bus route. The smaller routes were contracted out to other small bus companies, so a twenty-four-hour layover or less was a possible explanation here.

While here for a short stay, I started a conversation with a guy. I thought he was joking with me about having a license with a picture giving him permission to panhandle. I can’t remember what it looked like or if the city gave it to him as a joke, but in his mind it was real. Maybe it was a deal to raise more revenue for the city? It would certainly be a good way to keep track of the homeless population.

Eventually, I ended up at Walmart back in Charlotte, where I drank beer and did some thinking to determine my new direction. As a kid, I had always loved Walmart. I always had comfort in the store but it’s gone downhill since. It’s hard not to shop there; in a way, we don’t have a choice anymore, because their low prices have eliminated the competition. I always found comfort in Walmart because of childhood memorious. My mother would always drive forty miles to a Walmart to get groceries for the family. It was a time where we were all happy and together. I had learned some survival skills from living in Gladstone, a town located thirteen miles east of Dickinson, ND, without running water for nine months.

After several hours, I thought about going to Mobile, AL, because it was surrounded with water (in case I was homeless on the streets and needed to bathe), then I purchased a bus ticket.

Welcome to Mobile, Alabama

Once off the bus, the town caught my attention. It looked old in a way, like it had never changed, which reminded me of my childhood. I ended up at the Waterfront Rescue Mission, where, if you don’t have an addiction, they charge you fifteen dollars per day to stay. Luckily, it was raining that day, so there was no cost to stay. I don’t know how strict missions usually are when it comes to smoking cigarettes, but here it was allowed at certain times, which was cool. I am a smoker but plan on cutting down eventually.

There, I met Kevin. He used to work for a cable installation company and I soon found out why he was at the mission. I followed his lead since he seemed like a strong leader at the time, but looks can be deceiving. We would walk down the streets and run into someone with synthetic marijuana that he would smoke and become completely out of it. His body would go back and forth, in and out of the streets. Luckily, I was there to keep him out of the traffic. He was tall and muscular, reminding me of my late brother Jim, so it was no light task for me, but not impossible. I remember following his lead and taking my own shirt off, wrapping it around my forehead to keep the dripping sweat out of my eyes.

A point came where we sat somewhere and he drooled till the drugs wore off. Maybe I should have left him there and gone solo, but everything happens for a reason. I needed guidance at the time. I remember this neighborhood, which would be considered as the hood. Women there offered sexual favors in return for cash. I cannot remember how I handled it, but I didn’t feel comfortable in the area.

We never returned to the mission. Instead, I either bought a tent or it was stolen; I can’t remember but if it was stolen, I didn’t have anything to do with the stealing. I do remember Walmart had a policy that could be abused, but also could work in their favor. A person could return items without proof of purchase. I only remember the policy because someone once asked me to return something for them. I remember the day somewhat, because of the hard rain. I don’t recall if we had umbrellas or not. I remember a kind lady giving us some kind of help, maybe it was the umbrella. I remember it would rain so much that the streets would flood badly, something I never experienced before. I would become completely soaked, and at times, the water level was about two feet high.

We found an abandoned house and we set up the tent inside. Kevin was still getting high either on synthetic marijuana or heroin. He would just sit there and zone out. Eventually, we started to talk about his company and what we needed to do. At this point, I had maybe a thousand dollars saved up or less. I told him I could buy each of us a bus ticket to Andalusia if he could get both of us a job there. He assured me both of us would be able to gain employment, so I bought the tickets.

Welcome to Andalusia, AL

With a population of about eighty-seven hundred, Andalusia is a small town located about one hundred and twenty miles northeast of Mobile. There were no taxis, buses or rideshares, which was strange. The tent we had was set up at the company’s location. Hours later, our boss shows up; he then set us up in a hotel located near a gas station. The hotel was the perfect walking distance to get what we needed and had a restaurant attached that served breakfast. At this point, I mainly drank high-content beer. There was a bit of whiskey drinking here but not as much as before.

Even though both of our drivers’ licenses were in bad standing, the boss still was kind enough to set us up with jobs and a place to stay. Finding good people willing to help is rare but they still exist. The run-down hotel rates were high, but it kept us from living on the streets or out in the woods. The hotel life was okay at first, but bed bugs eventually came into the picture. I was forced to buy anything to fight them off. One night, I sprinkled baking soda in the bed and slept in it; other nights I would soak the bed with wintergreen rubbing alcohol. It eventually got to the point where I became determined to find and kill every last one of them, no matter what it took.

A couple owned the run-down motel and another couple worked for them. The couple working for them didn’t like the owners suggesting to me to call the health department, which I did, but no corrective action was taken. Eventually, I had scars from the bites that remained in my skin for a two-year period.

At first, we worked around our area, but later we would go out of town. I was excited to leave town since the hotels were a lot better. One location we returned to for work was Mobile. I was part of the underground crew where we dug and located underground lines.

On the weekends, which were our days off, we drank. While I was drunk, I let someone borrow my old-fashioned flip phone, not even thinking about them stealing it or what kind of damage they could do with it.

One of the reasons I knew or decided I needed to control my drinking is because I would get taken advantage of. Once, I had my anxiety medication stolen from me; another night, a person sent a nude photo of me to every contact in my phone. When I went to work on Monday, a coworker said he didn’t appreciate that. At first, I was caught off guard, confused and surprised, like I never knew it happened until later when Mike started teasing me about it.

Another time, I went with this guy out of town to visit his friends or family and we slept in the car for a few hours; he then kept making grabs at my crotch. Nothing happened but it goes to show how much drinking can impair a person or how much it can make them look like an easy target.

While here, I could have been getting laid left and right, but I was only turned on if the women showed interest in me, if it was real. I couldn’t buy getting laid, it sounds odd, I know. The mind changes when you drown it with your drug of choice, or I may just be different from other people. Maybe I was looking for true love at the time.

One workday I remember well because I was going into a heat stroke. I became so dehydrated that every muscle in my body locked up. I sweated out more water than I drank. I got to the point of throwing half the water on my body in order to keep cool. I would freeze bottles of water and carry them in my pockets. It was a labor-intensive and demanding job, especially in the heat, but there were days where the job would be easy.

On another day, we were putting anchors in the ground where a line from the anchor to the pole would stabilize it in place. It wasn’t easy; we had these gas-powered machines that were dangerous to run if we didn’t maintain control of it. We had about three of them since they were old and would act up or break down. Each person would hold one end with both hands and apply pressure to the anchor. I remember getting a minor injury from operating one; nothing serious, just a sore jaw.

I forgot to mention earlier that this is where I met Mike. He had a strong sense of humor and an imagination. From what I understand, he never smoked or drank. I suspect he used imagination as a tool to cope with life. Overall, he was a good guy. He kept me going and entertained. One day while we were going down the highway, Mike told our boss, If you sleep, we all sleep, saying it in a way that made me bust out laughing. A lot of people, I feel, take life too seriously, but with others, a sense of humor is like their second language. My own imagination always kept my mind distracted from the shock of reality, which is good, but I eventually would force myself to deal with the reality of life and process the emotions being held back by a cracking dam.

Kevin kept cool by chewing on dirty ice out of a cooler, which eventually landed him in the hospital thinking it was some kind of a bacterial infection. It must have been serious since he got transferred to Pensacola, FL. I was still in Alabama helping a guy in the shop, but a few days later, I followed him to Pensacola. Yes, I had a good job and fresh new friends, but he reminded me of my late brother Jim and I did not want to lose him. I did not want to feel that pain again. I didn’t want to leave him alone if something went wrong.

I know it is wrong to try to replace someone, but the mind is extremely powerful. I lost my brother; I lost my father. Now this guy is in the hospital. First, I bought a bus ticket, but they never came. Then, I paid someone around two hundred dollars in cash to drop me off at the hospital, where I slept outside until they opened the doors.

At first, I stayed at the hospital at Kevin’s side, sleeping on a cot, but after a fallout involving drinking, I was out on the streets, where I met other homeless people. I remember this