Growing Pains

By Sarah Taylor-Malo

Have you ever looked at your life one day and thought, "How did I get here?" Maybe you don't recognize yourself or the life you're living. You thought by this age or this time you'd be somewhere else. But here you are, and you have so many questions. For me, that time was during the end of my twenties when I was quickly approaching thirty and incessantly criticizing my life. I was swept up by a plaguing anxiety disorder, terrified of what would come of the immigration process I was going through with the love of my life, and unsure of a direction for myself. I had hit the high notes earlier on in my twenties, and then came what I thought of as a steady decline. I was lost and confused by all the checks I hadn't been able to scratch off the list of expectation I was so stuck on. But eventually, after years of torturing myself and going through a lot of growing pains, I started picking up the pieces of my life that had fallen apart and I was able to find and own myself.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tellwell Talent
• Release date: Oct 27, 2023
• ISBN: 9781738018802

Sarah Taylor-Malo

Sarah Taylor-Malo is a first-time author who has had a lifelong passion for writing and storytelling. She has a profound curiosity about the world, people, and her inner self. She graduated from Loyalist College's photojournalism program with honours and completed a photo internship at the Winnipeg Free Press. Her work has been published in the Toronto Star, the Ottawa Sun, and the Winnipeg Free Press. She is currently completing her Bachelor of Arts degree at Queen's University with a focus in global development studies.

Book preview

Contents

Introduction

Part 1. Mental Game

Imagination

Choose Wisely

Twenties in the Movies

Perspectives

Part 2. Lights, Camera, Action

Immature Student

Winnipeg

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

Paris

Part 3. From Carefree to Anxiety

Life Happens

PR

Alien

Switzerland

Wild Ride

Part 4. Re-adjust

Thanks, Coach

Find Your Therapy

Privilege

Olives

Part 5. Moving Forward

Mature Student

Thirty

Married

Ios

Lessons Learned

Introduction

I started writing a version of this book in 2017, and since then my focus has shifted all over the place. I’ve had my ups and downs like anyone, but what has changed the most for me is my willingness to accept the person I am and acknowledge the one I want to grow into. That person is not necessarily the one I thought I would be (or the one I’ve tortured myself into believing I’m supposed to be), and that’s okay. The main lesson for me is that I don’t have to be held hostage by mental barriers, expectations, or pressures from society, people in my life, or myself—all the things that I’ve spent most of my life consumed by. At the end of the day, it’s a choice. Our lives are full of choices we get to make for ourselves. I’ve started to dismantle the mechanisms that have made me feel like I don’t have one.

I wish I knew from day one that I could do whatever I want in this life. I’ve been a shitty adult in that way. Not because my adult life looks different than I thought it would, but because I’ve been stuck on unnecessary assumptions and expectations. And there are always expectations: how you should look, what size you should be, how you should talk, how vocal you should be, where you should live, what you should want, what you should do, when you should do it . . . and this can be even more layered for women. These kinds of manipulative and insistent messaging are endless. I’ve been swept up in them, still acting like a kid, looking around for the answers and hoping someone will walk me through them. But I’m coming into my own now, more and more every day, and I see that this life is mine to live my way. As yours is for you.

It’s taken a lot of growing pains to get here. Time and time again I’ve had to wake up from a convoluted nightmare of confusion to find myself. I always felt lost, like there was a push and pull between the version of me that wants to conquer the world, scream from the rooftops, and share everything I have to give, and the one that has been stuck, angered, and controlled by fear, disillusionment, and the opinions of others. Growth can simply be those versions folding into each other. We are all afraid sometimes. We can let in messages that don’t do us any good. But those messages can’t be the driving force behind your decisions as you move through life. Removing all the noise to let in the quiet is how you start to find yourself in such a loud and intimidating world. It’s a long and painful process. Sometimes it feels like I wasted years of my life living in a bubble of self-doubt, in submission to what was wrong for me. But that’s just how this works. Nothing is a waste. It’s all part of the bigger picture of your life, and once you see that, you can start adding the colours and pieces that make that picture the fullest expression of you.

Part One

Mental Game

Imagination

A lot of us, when we were kids, thought grown-ups had all the answers. We trusted them, relied on them, and wanted to be them. That was definitely me. I was obsessed with being a grown-up. I always pretended to be one and would play out what I thought it would be like as an adult. I would even change my name—I remember liking the names Nicole and Valerie back then but never Sarah. I would name my imaginary kids and pick the model of my imaginary car to drive to my imaginary job.

As an only child I had a vivid imagination and had to entertain myself. I played out so many grown-up scenarios in my head that I probably could have written a show about it. At one point I wanted to be a lawyer, and I would talk on an imitation phone about what I thought were lawyer things. Other times I thought about being a doctor, or I pretended to be a teacher with my chalkboard. I also really got into the idea of being a singer. I would pretend I was on stage at a huge concert, belting out the best song ever. One summer, when I was six or seven, I kept walking around my backyard with my dark green cassette player singing along to Celine Dion and Shania Twain. It didn’t occur to me that anyone would hear or see me doing this until Halloween, when I went trick-or-treating. I knocked on the door of the house behind mine, which had a direct view into my backyard, and the homeowners reminded me of my little summer solo concert and told me how cute I was. I was mortified. My mind seemed to have the power to remove me from reality and get lost in whatever imaginary world I was living in. As kids, we dream freely. We imagine the most amazing things and see ourselves doing them. They don’t seem difficult or far-fetched. Fear means nothing and everything feels possible. All we have to do is grow up and they’ll happen, right?

I could play these imaginary games with myself wherever I was, envisioning what life would be like for me, all grown up with every answer I’d ever need. Maybe that’s what it was all about—answers. I wanted more information, more clarity, a better understanding of what this whole life thing was about. But that’s what takes our childlike selves away from us. The answers we get come along with expectations, opinions, generalizations—the things that tend to diminish the fun and unique way we see the world. I have realized that none of the adults I looked up to and relied on for answers had a clue. No one really does. We’re all going through the motions, figuring it out the best we can.

For me, that process has been exhausting. It’s not at all what I envisioned in the imaginary lives I played out as a kid. My imagination and the hopes and dreams it fostered were boundless, and the fact that the reality of my life doesn’t look like the imaginary ones I dreamed up has been a tough pill to swallow. Reality is not so dreamy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not upset that I didn’t become a singer like Celine or Shania, or an actress or even a doctor. I couldn’t sing in front of people to save my life—a Grade 9 solo that no one could hear proved that much. I had stage fright the few times I tried to act and couldn’t let myself get into it, and I have never had the stomach for blood and guts. But the independence, the freedom, the answers, a point where it’s all smooth sailing is missing from real-life adulthood.

I remember adults always saying to me, Enjoy being a kid! It goes by so fast! You have your whole life to be a grown-up! I should have listened to those know-it-alls I once had so much faith in, because they were right about all that. What I wouldn’t give to go back to childhood, to revisit the times when my imagination ran wild and I wasn’t yet bogged down by all-encompassing guilt, fear, failures, insecurities, pressure, and the unbelievably fast pace of adulthood. I was always excited for the future, but as an adult I’ve often felt the opposite. I’ve spent a lot of time panicking over what lies ahead. It used to feel like time moved achingly slowly as a kid. A year felt like an eternity. Now it feels like an instant. I can’t keep up with how fast time goes by, and how hard it has been to get into the driver’s seat of my life.

At a certain point I hit a wall. I began to set expectations for myself that echoed the ones I was brought up with. I thought I needed to follow the path that made the most sense, a practical one based on benchmarks and checklists rather than imagination and desire. That’s what it is to be a grown-up, isn’t it? The loss of child-like curiosity? I haven’t always gotten it right, but I think I’ve finally absorbed the lesson taught by all the growing pains: find your own way. Throw out the formula that is subconsciously designed to produce