Foreverness

By Maureen Bray

This book is about the challenges and successes of a long and mostly very hard life and what these experiences have taught the author. It's an eclectic mix of an extraordinary life story, starting at the end of World War 2, seeing life afresh with newly awakened 'autistic eyes' and a spiritual journey. The overall aim in writing this book is to bring comfort, hope, wisdom and guidance to others, whatever journey they're on. Many of us consider our liberation can be found in our current belief system. So, we struggle and strive unsuccessfully to find the answers there. But what if our current thought or belief system is the cause and not the answer? We have two choices then. One option is, we can cling doggedly to our thought systems, refusing to question or consider any thoughts that go beyond it. We can then define ourselves as victims, or we are faulty in some way. Something or someone must be to blame for our failure? Or we can take a risk, a leap of faith and seriously question those beliefs. We have nothing to lose but our misery - it's all in the choosing!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Jan 25, 2023
• ISBN: 9781447874904

Book preview

FOREVERNESS: Memories and Reflections on Moving from Survival to Freedom

by Maureen Bray

© 2022

This book is dedicated to my daughter, family, including all my precious grandchildren and all my friends, all of whom are such a precious gift to me. Lastly to all the spiritual teachers who have led and guided me on my journey at different stages.

Acknowledgements

My grateful thanks for all her support, help and encouragement over the proof reading, editing and production of this, my first book, goes to Pauline Golds, herself a very talented author. Thanks also to Andrea Hughes who also gave her time willingly to assist with proof reading.

I thank all my family and friends for their encouragement and their belief in me.

INTRODUCTION

Although this is a very personal story, my hope is that some readers will identify with it, and some will find comfort and hope that our human instinct for survival and the beautiful innocence of the human spirit can prevail in the end. Maybe some will learn from it and others will just enjoy it as an extraordinary life story.

The reason it feels right to write this book now is because, just days before my 76th birthday, in May 2020 came the startling discovery that I was autistic. For this reason, while ‘revisiting’ my life, it will be with my ‘autistic eyes’. It helps to make so much more sense of my life, the choices made and how I’ve got to where I am now.

As a spiritually aware person, my story contains that essence, quite naturally. However, I’m not seeking to preach at anyone or trying to ‘convert’ them in any way. This is part of my story just like the rest of it and if anyone connects with it, then that’s lovely. If not, that’s fine too. It’s part of who I am so it can’t be missed out or denied. I won’t do that anymore.

One important thing I’ve learnt on my journey is that clinging to any one belief system (which will always seem absolutely ‘right’ at the time), at best keeps you stuck and at worst takes you on a downward spiral. I’ve had many vital paradigm shifts in my lifetime and each one has significantly changed my perspectives on life. Fundamentally, this has been very much a spiritual journey from a small child, though I was not conscious of it till many many years later.

Because of my current spiritual strength, I have mostly worked through the grief of denying my own reality and autistic identity in order to fit into a world that I so often felt out of sync with. Finally, there was the sadness that I may never get in touch with what I should have been, would have been, could have been. On a more optimistic note, I’m now aware that my life has panned out just the way it needed to.

Historically, though, in that ignorance and denial of my true autistic self, I’ve made myself very vulnerable to predators who sucked and chewed on all that I was, then spat me out.

I’ve been neglected, abused and exploited for most of my life but never fully realised it (or why), until recently.

As a result of my early experiences, my self-worth was so low and self-doubt so strong, the only way I knew how to survive what often seemed to me a harsh, crushing outside world was basically to blame myself for everything that happened. It’s taken most of a lifetime of recovery, fresh insights, the dissolving of many externally taught belief systems and evolving spiritual awareness to change this. To realise that until I learned to love myself and show myself the kindness I always sought to show others, there would always be that susceptibility to exploitation. This is what happens when you don’t believe you count. I now know that if one counts, everyone does. 

As someone who is, as I now know, typically autistic and from life experiences, my life has been largely lived from my inner world. The outside world never felt real and rarely seemed kind.

This isn’t going to be comfortable reading. This has been a far from comfortable life. It is comforting, however, to know that I’m now free, happy and more at peace and appreciate myself more than ever before. I laugh a lot, feel alive, have more fun. My life now has true meaning and it’s easy to love, accept and understand myself as never before. My family is awesome, as are my close friends, there are also links with fellow autistics and fellow spiritual ‘travellers’. This is the best time of my life.

Of course, there are things that are regretted on my part. Choices that have been made, however ignorantly, have affected others adversely. However, my life has followed the path towards the intentions of my heart which is to love and be loved and the only way I’ve found to do that (albeit by way of a very circuitous route), is to trust that heart. There’s also the matter of karma, for those who acknowledge it.

This is a true story based on facts, with no embellishment, exaggeration or dramatisation. I’ve glossed over and understated the most harrowing parts and details to protect the feelings of others and to avoid distraction from the essence of the story.

Names have been changed or avoided and also some details have been left out later on in the book. Again, this is in order to protect the privacy and vulnerabilities of others. I’ve told it as I remember it and understood it, but of course from the added perspective of my new knowledge. Some of this will form an informal commentary (particularly in the form of blogs I’ve written when inspired to do so and where relevant) to my story.

This may differ from the perspective of others in places, and I respect that. This is my life, though. I’ve learned most things the (very) hard way and now understand much more why that has been so.

Writing this with my ‘autistic eyes’ has enabled me to see what a gift it is to be autistic and how much the world needs us to balance out the neurotypical (non-autistic) world. I read somewhere recently that autism is ‘a factor of the heart’. This resonates with me. Just a small amount of research will uncover the many creative, scientific, spiritual, medical and other achievements of autistic people. The world would be a much poorer place without them. It’s necessary to wonder how many awesome souls are in the world, misunderstood, misdiagnosed and written off because of ignorance and prejudice.

Finally, this book is not about naming and shaming anyone. What I’ve expressed are observations. There’s no holding judgements or resentment or hatred towards anyone mentioned here. I’m not a victim. These have been my own choices, consciously, or unconsciously and full responsibility is taken for them. Everything so far experienced has taken me to where I am now.

PART 1 – A massive surprise

CHAPTER 1

A life changing discovery, or the end is the beginning!

What a surprise! What an amazing, unexpected discovery!

There was I, a couple of days before my 76th birthday in May 2020, in the middle of the first Covid19 pandemic lockdown, researching autism, having long suspected someone close to me was autistic. Part of the study involved joining a few Facebook social media groups specifically for and run by autistic people.

One day, I posted a question on one of the groups. It was -

If you had to describe three or four key characteristics that describe the essence of autism, what would they be?

(Over 20 years ago, I had taken early retirement from a career in education, lastly, as Head of a Service for children with ‘Special Educational Needs’. All this experience, knowledge and training and being a qualified teacher with an M.Ed degree, but I only knew the medical/deficit model of autism. That’s what’d been taught and that’s why it was such a shock when the Facebook answers started coming in.)

As I read, a startling discovery was made. I started recognising myself!

Here are some of the most revealing responses I got - that took me on a completely new journey of self- discovery:

- Honest intention

- Directness

- Goals of mutual advancement over competition

- In touch with self as creature, in relation to senses and nature

- Self idealist.

- Reflective to the point of causing internal emotional discord.

- Isolator.

- Justice bound.

- Often unmoved by signs of supposed success such as money, status, possession of physical items that are seen as status symbols.

- An ability to ‘stand back’ more successfully from many issues and examine them in context.

- An ability to think from the ‘ground up’ and build a picture of something by adding all the pieces together.

The last comment said:

If it answers your questions and gives you peace - you’ll know.

(Of course, there are many other pointers and characteristics - more to be revealed later, but these were the unexpected ones that pretty much fit me to a ‘t’).

It was a bit like an explosion. Never had my thinking travelled down this road! As I continued learning more and more about autism, so much of my life began to make sense. So many things that I thought were usual for everyone, but I was just a ‘bit different’, turned out not to be so. Conversely things that I’d believed to be personal ‘quirks’ and habits that had largely been kept to myself, were perfectly normal for autistic people. It explained why I was so often confused and misunderstood, why so many things were so easy and natural for me whilst others were so challenging.

It explained so much. Especially grievous, was how vulnerable I’d been to the exploitation and abuse of predators and just everyday users. Something I’d carried a lot of grief and guilt about. Now I understood why. My daughter told me that she had wondered about me being on the spectrum at times, as I wasn’t a ‘regular’ mum, but didn’t know enough about it and I was too caring and good with people. This fits the common stereotypical view that autistic people lack empathy, when, actually, they have so much it becomes overwhelming, and they have to shut down to cope.

I’d learnt to be very good at masking (the ability to act against my true nature in order to fit in with the neurotypical - non autistic world). Already I feel able to adapt to the neurotypical world now, without losing my core Identity. Before, the neurotypical was my whole world, now it’s only a small part of it.

I’m so thankful for all the autistic groups on Facebook that I have connected with. They’ve been a lifeline for me. To have people who think like me and see the world through similar eyes is such a blessing. I’ve found such sensitivity, wisdom, support and kindness as well as some very profound and intuitive intellects. It’s clear now why I’ve had so few friends in my life, I just wasn’t on most people’s ‘wavelength’. There have been a few beautiful neurotypical souls in my life whose kindness, wisdom and empathetic nature means they’ve loved, appreciated and accepted me for who I am. Also, at least two people I’ve connected deeply with have turned out to be autistic themselves!

CHAPTER 2

Setting the scene

Bearing in mind what’s been said above, it’s important to set what happened in my life in context. This backdrop is vital to the story if it’s going to be read with compassion and understanding. It would be so easy to dismiss me as weak willed and lacking self-respect. That’s partially true. There are other aspects of my character though which I hope will shine through, but I’ll leave that for the reader to decide.

Looking back now, it’s easy to see how damaged, confused and vulnerable I was. A combination of unrecognised and misunderstood autism, emotional neglect and verbal abuse had all taken such a toll on my psyche that I was easy prey. A strong aspect of my autistic nature is being deeply empathetic and over identifying with others to the extent that my personal boundaries were very limited. Almost nonexistent. This natural propensity was made even stronger by the lack of respect and understanding of my feelings and boundaries as a little child and young person. I was primed to believe that mine were not important or valuable, so I didn’t learn to respect them myself. A ‘double whammy’, as it were!

This lack of boundaries had very dire consequences, as it caused me to feel responsible for the happiness of others, something I still need to guard against today. Because, with feeling their pain, whatever it might be, comes the urge to make it better. The feelings were so powerful that they over-rode my own needs, because at that point, they felt as though they were my own. I couldn’t feel better unless/until, they felt better.

Alongside this, the autistic propensity to trust and over share and the stage was set.

Autistic people tend to say what they mean and mean what they say and presume others do too. Thus, they’re genuine, so they’re inclined to see others that way too, even in spite of evidence to the contrary in some cases. My massive self-doubt (from not being seen, heard, or valued), created a mindset that gives far too much benefit of the doubt and far too much justification and excuse making for behaviour that is exploitative, manipulating, intimidating and completely lacking in integrity.

All of the above, plus some significant traumas, have contributed to me becoming a perennial ‘people pleaser’. This is a factor of the fawning, part of the brain’s survival mechanism of ‘Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn’. All these factors stem from fear. The subconscious belief from childhood, is that if you are accommodating and non-demanding, you will be accepted and loved. If this doesn’t work, the next subconscious belief is that you are both ‘too much’ and ‘not enough’ at the same time, so something must be wrong with you and you (subconsciously), believe you deserve punishment.

That is why it’s so easy for people pleasers to get drawn into abusive relationships because they’re inclined to suppress their own instincts, intuitions, values and beliefs in order to defer to a dominant toxic personality. All this is the complex backdrop to my story, but all is not lost. It’s amazing to me how I managed to do all that I did in the circumstances described as follows but, somehow, it happened. I can only put it down to the grace of God - and to an innate stubbornness! It will be seen that I’m a very strong and resilient person, despite my frailties. The stubbornness is a mixed blessing though.

It kept me in places I should have left, but equally once the decision had been made to leave, nothing would stop me. The convoluted combination of trauma, autism, self-doubt and lack of self-worth is impossible to unpick, as one so powerfully impacts on the other. However, in spite of it all, I slowly evolved and learnt from my hard ‘lessons’ in life.

PART 2 – The early years

CHAPTER 3

Now for some early history

Sadly, my earliest, very vague, memory is from being in a children’s home at three years old. Actually, although some memories remain very clear, many of them are vague; testament to the fact that I was in a world of my own most of the time. This is a combination of the effects of autism, my natural introverted personality and early emotional neglect. This neglect was not deliberately cruel or malicious, but the outcome of a family who didn’t understand me or have the resources to meet my needs. Those memories that still stand out clearly seem to be in accordance with the impact they had on my life.

It was post war (1947). My father had made the difficult decision to make us all intentionally homeless, (he had a pregnant wife and three children, my brother Frank aged six, my sister Pamela aged five, then me aged three). The reason for this was that we were sharing my Mum’s sister and her husband’s small three-bedroomed family home in Woking in Surrey. I never knew how that came to pass. My aunt and uncle had three little girls of their own. This meant four adults and six, soon to be seven, growing children in one small house, which was untenable long term. Naturally, the relatives wanted their house back.

In those days the system was brutal if you made yourself homeless. My parents were put in separate hostels, one for males and one for females.

We children were all put in different residential homes according to age, so we were also separated.

My mother said she and dad were only allowed to visit us once a month. I don’t remember any visits from them though. She must have come at least once, because many years later she told me of the first time she visited. She described how when she left me there, I was in a little dress and short white socks. When she saw me next, I had on baggy grey socks and clothes that were too big. She said I’d come running towards her with tears pouring down my face. That must have been hard for both of us. No mention of my dad, so I don’t know if he was there or not.

Mum gave birth to my sister while I was in the home and my older sister, who it seemed had been ill for a long time, died of leukaemia during this time, so I never saw her again. My parents were of the class and type and era where you didn’t tell children things, so I doubt if they told me. I think, judging by later behaviours, they were hoping if she wasn’t mentioned I’d forget her, and it