Love Must Confront: 8 Principles For Managing Relational & Marital Conflict

By Bishop D. A. Davis

Does it seem easier to have a negative influence than a positive one? To positively influence anyone, especially your spouse or significant other, you must be sensitive to their thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Therefore, when couples disagree, one, if not both, desires to be bigger than the other, emphasizing their will. They remain factually correct, believing their viewpoint is the correct one. However, two rights never make a marriage or relationship work; one must mature and apologize.  

This book is about the difficulties facing relationships and marriages, but on a more profound level; it is about male or female leadership. Every leader establishes a rhythm and cadence which forces them to advance the relationship or marriage. Summarily, are you the leader within your relationship or union who makes excellent decisions but lacks the influence necessary to inspire change? Or are you the leader who makes poor decisions, but your leverage (Influence) creates opportunities for hidden areas of your relationship or marriage to flourish? 

Bishop D. A. Davis graduated from Alabama A & M University with an Undergraduate degree and the Criswell College with a Master of Divinity degree. He serves as senior pastor of Spirit Fellowship Church in Desoto, TX. He and Lorita host a national prayer line; conduct marital and relational seminars while coaching couples on how to build stronger relationships and marriages. They are known as ‘relationship strategists’ due to the revelation insight, spiritual wisdom, and favor that God has placed upon their lives. They have been married for thirty-seven years and have three children and six grandchildren. When they are not ministering, D. A. and Lorita enjoy spending time with their family and loved ones while enjoying the beauty of God’s creation.  

• Language: English
• Publisher: Outskirts Press
• Release date: May 19, 2023
• ISBN: 9781977264381

Bishop D. A. Davis

Bishop D. A. Davis graduated from Alabama A & M University with an Undergraduate degree and the Criswell College with a Master of Divinity degree. He serves as senior pastor of Spirit Fellowship Church in Desoto, TX. He and Lorita host a national prayer line; conduct marital and relational seminars while coaching couples on how to build stronger relationships and marriages. They are known as ‘relationship strategists’ due to the revelation insight, spiritual wisdom, and favor that God has placed upon their lives. They have been married for thirty-seven years and have three children and six grandchildren. When they are not ministering, D. A. and Lorita enjoy spending time with their family and loved ones while enjoying the beauty of God’s creation. 

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Love Must Confront

8 Principles For Managing Relational & Marital Conflict

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Copyright © 2023 Bishop D. A. Davis

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This information is based upon 37 years of marriage and is intended as a tool to instruct, educate and advise on how both partners within a relationship or marriage can emerge as leaders and win the battle that is waged against the family.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction: Men Love Cars!

Chapter One: Exhilaration To Confusion

Chapter Two: The Do/Due Principle

Chapter Three: Acceptance

Chapter Four: Tolerate

Chapter Five: Expressers and Listeners

Chapter Six: Loss of Confidence

Chapter Seven: Forbearance

Chapter Eight: The Role of the Visionary Husband

Emerging Leadership Styles

Introduction

MEN LOVE CARS!

MEN FIND IT very difficult to say no to a fine automobile because the majority of men have a ‘Passion’ for cars. This passion is an attractive love affair. The car’s color is also accurate about men in that it reveals our deep emotional power, and when we drive that car, we genuinely flex our muscles as to who we are. Since I can remember, back in the late ‘60s, as a little boy, I’ve been around men who spent an enormous amount of time with their cars. To be blunt, these men spent more time in their cars than with their wives and family.

In those days, minorities were limited as to what they could do based on the restrictions society placed upon them. Money was also in short supply or scarce if you will. So, men worked on their cars, rebuilding or making them faster. There amid these men, was a spirit of competition. It was a fact that underneath each car’s hood were male bragging rights. Everyone wanted bragging rights regarding who had the fastest, prettiest, and most respected vehicle.

Imagine a man and his car being looked at with envy because his car is clean, and he is projecting nothing but attitude. This mantra was a neighborhood pastime for men as they invested in their vehicles. I remember hearing my first business term when one of the men said my ROI (Return on Investment) had been significant. I did not understand what he meant by that statement, but I truly understood what he meant as I grew older. These men spoke about wealth, and their investments were paying off.

Whether these cars were fixer-uppers or brand new, men were proud of them. Another truth I learned from being around these men was that their cars were not simply cars but ‘showcases.’ In other words, their cars expressed who they were, and all the other men understood their language. Many of these men drew women who had a passion for cars. That’s why you always see a pretty woman in the scene next to a beautiful automobile in magazines. There is a union between the two as they are paired together in fierce competition. The women stood by their men in those days as the woman manifested a level of respect that is unimaginable today. Men were also embossed as they revved up the sound of their engines. A finely tuned engine became the symbol of who was boss in the neighborhood. Many of these men in our community added pipes, headers, and other gadgets that ensured the sound of their cars was unmatched. In today’s market, men don’t have to worry about that because automobile manufacturers have perfected engine sounds. A good-sounding engine will draw like a magnet for any man, usually a car-enthusiastic woman.

I recall in my mind the movie Gone in 60 Seconds, where the storyline was about stealing exotic cars and the men and women who loved to steal them. I remember something else from back in those days when men confronted their women about their cars. Frequently their vehicles would break down, and they would listen to each other’s car, and one would say this, and another would say that. They analyzed their vehicles because there were no diagnostic machines like we have today. We can take our cars to the mechanic shop and place them on a device to diagnose the problem and determine a solution. Not so, back when men were their own technical solutions? These men confronted the mechanical and electrical challenges that came with being a car owner. We can learn from them because we, too, must become responsible for our relationships and marriages. Flat tires were always challenging; the car would not start; battery issues, fuel pump problems, and timing issues confronted these men and their automobiles.

One day, I witnessed a confrontation between a man and his wife. This encounter was explosive when Greg (Name Change), one of the men in our neighborhood, confronted his wife on the front lawn. But this day, Greg (Name Changed), whom everyone knew and respected, became upset with his wife and confronted her. She responded similarly. The shouting, cursing, and remarks towards one another were a bit scary.

As little boys do, we ran down the street, saying ‘Greg’ was ready to beat his wife. No doubt, Greg loved his wife, and his wife loved him, but at that moment, I could not tell. As we stood to watch, ‘Greg’ was upset with her because she did something with the car without his permission.

While confronting her, the language was harsh and almost abusive. But no violence occurred. Imagine being a little boy; I understood at a young age that Love must confront! As I grew up over the years, I witnessed many families going through difficulties, including my own, but I also knew that if you love someone, you must ‘confront’ them, especially if you are married. I took away from that single incident and countless others like it; if you love someone, you must confront them. Being married or in a long-term relationship gives you the legal right to engage your spouse or partner. We all know in relationships and marriages that confrontation will occur, but what is most important is how we respond to the conflict.

I vividly remember the elevator scene when professional football player Ray Rice physically struck his fiancé Janay Palmer as she was struck out cold in a casino elevator in Atlantic City, New Jersey. Images inside the elevator would change the couple’s lives and society’s view of how a man should never treat a woman. For months and even to this day, men and women alike still watch the video repeatedly. Trying to understand why a man would do such a thing? Especially if that man says, ‘I love you!’ Undoubtedly, Ray Rice loved his fiancé, Janay Palmer, but something went wrong that night. Once again, my emotions got the best of me, and perhaps you also? Reminding myself that I would never do that or allow such an event to occur on my watch. The truth is it can happen to any of us, but we must first comprehend this principle’ love must confront’ but not strike!" This couple became the poster child for domestic violence.

An article by Alanna Vagianos Women’s Editor, The Huffington Post, on December 06, 2017, stated the following statistics. The number of American troops killed in Afghanistan and Iraq between 2001 and 2012 was 6,488. The number of American women whose partners were murdered during that time was around 11,766. That’s nearly double the number of casualties lost during the war. Women, according to Vagianos, are much more likely to be victims of intimate partner violence, with 85 percent of domestic abuse victims being women and 15 percent being men. Too many women have been held captive by domestic violence — whether through physical abuse, financial abuse, emotional abuse, or a combination of all three. The published stories concerning domestic violence about athletes beating their wives in public or inside their homes, just as celebrities publicly abusing their girlfriends. This problem will not go away quickly or quietly.

Domestic violence is not a singular incident; it’s an insidious problem deeply rooted in our culture — these numbers prove that. The legitimate question is, why do men, women, or people remain in abusive relationships?

As a Pastoral Care Advocate, I often-time hear that leaving is the most dangerous time for victims of any abuse. When a victim goes, they are taking control and threatening the abusive partner’s power, which could cause the abusive partner to retaliate in very destructive ways. Get the picture; society has adopted and possessed the legal right to confront our loved ones. However, we function by our own rules as to how we deal with each other due to specific laws needing prosecution on a large scale. However, the recent Hollywood scandal is about to change the landscape. This self-cleaning with so many executives, celebrities, and politicians coming forward. In other words, society is purging itself of the evil it has kept secret for many years. So, men and women tend to make rules but usually color outside the lines.

From the days of my childhood and now adulthood, heading south toward my senior years and being married for over 37 years, it is true Love must confront! But there must be another side to this principle. There is another side, and that is to Respond in love. If there are any resolutions in our relationships and marriages, we must get accustomed to practicing what we preach. If we are going to be the husband of one wife and the wife of one husband, it behooves us to understand the complete principle. The principle is Love must confront, but We must confront in Love. As an equal opportunity relationship expert and strategist, I want to teach us the implications of this principle which will benefit all involved in a relationship or marriage. As an adult man married with children, I have practiced this principle. My wife and I understand that we must attempt to educate one another throughout our lives. I learned from her, and she knows from me; that’s reciprocity. Reciprocity ensures that the two of us will continue to learn from each other as long as we live.

This book is not written for men only but for women as well. Because we can all learn from each other, why? All of us have failed in life; failure, if unaddressed, creates a more profound problem that outwardly destroys a person. So we must deal with failure because we have all failed at something. I discovered that I could not properly mature as a man until I dealt with failure in my own life. I had to face the brutal facts of my reality and assess who I am because of my past failures. Failure shapes and guides our lives without us ever knowing its presence! What decisions have you made since failure has controlled your life? John Maxwell, in his book Failing Forward, talks about failure from both a negative perception and a positive one. If we fail backward, our perception is pessimistic about our experience and not optimistic. But on the other hand, our perception is different if we view our experience as positive and will fail forward, meaning we can be motivated to try again. We must see failure as a positive that can lead us to a more remarkable development in our lives if we honestly address them.

However, this book is not written from a perspective of failure as I had to face all of them, I would be unable to write this book.

Failure is the prerequisite to success! If you are failing in your relationships and marriages, then this book is for you. It will assist you in making better decisions, yes, timely decisions. As we know and understand, ‘timeliness’ is an important principle for making things happen. We know the times and the seasons; we should observe the season of our relationships and marriages. Every relationship or marriage has its season. What season is your relationship or marriage in right now?

Remember, seasons do not last forever! Just because your relationship or marriage is in a bad season, do not allow that season to cause you to throw away what can turn around soon. Reevaluate the season your relationship or marriage is in and choose not to remain in that season any longer. But if you quit before your next season arrives, failure will grip you again and place you on the road to perdition. Do not make that mistake! Let us get into the principles of this book and expose failure at every level and see what ‘truths’ are hidden for our discovery. Failure empowers us to make better decisions as we advance our relationships and marriages.

Chapter One

EXHILARATION TO CONFUSION

WHEN IT COMES to personal or professional relationships, they are a lot like purchasing a new car. When negotiations are complete, the couple begins to experience the exhilaration and the thrill of riding together. We end up with an incredible couple. The couple persists and works through difficulties and good moments to earn the right to say we are a unit. Good decisions are needed to build a capable and formable relationship from that moment forward. The young man and the young woman advance their relationship by deciding to date exclusively. Like driving a fine automobile, their esteem rises, and their consciousness heightens as excitement fills each heart. That is relational bliss! And like a car, the pain can be overwhelming and quite discomforting when that relationship breaks down. However, to the trained eye, you can perceive and sense trouble ahead of time, like a mechanic. This remarkable insight (Revelation) of seeing a problem before it arises must become the focus of every man and woman in their relationship or marriage. I want to encourage couples, especially husbands, to be mechanics and fix what’s broken in their relationships and marriages.

With excitement in each heart, this couple begins to announce their ‘love’ for each other. Soon, they begin to tell others of