Half of America Is Nuts, and They Were Allowed to Vote: The Need for a Group for Groupless People

By G. David Howard

G. David Howard combines two passionate interestshumor and politicsin his first collection of personal essays that creatively examine current events in America and the actions of our government.

Howard, a seasoned stand-up comedian, addresses a variety of controversial topics with both funny and frank tones intended to provoke laughter and thought about our leaders and the direction our country is headed. As he explores how groupless people have no representation, why gasoline prices have doubled, and how socialists want to destroy freedom and increase taxes, Howard blends facts with his own spin on potential solutions. Included is a script from an imaginary and imaginative golf game between Barack Obama, John Boehner, Joe Biden and Chuck Schumer, as well as a montage of Howards opinions on a wide range of subjects, such as climate change, driver distractions, and gun control.

Half of America Is Nuts, and They Were Allowed to Vote shares one mans take on our world as he presents an unforgettable roller-coaster ride through America and its political system.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Jul 29, 2013
• ISBN: 9781475999082

G. David Howard

G. David Howard is a stand-up comedian, actor, and songwriter who has made appearances on television as well as in Las Vegas, Atlantic City, and Florida. He has been listed in The Guinness Book of World Records for telling jokes continuously for sixteen hours straight. He and his wife, Dana, reside in Largo, Florida, and have four sons, five grandchildren, and a goddaughter.

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Copyright © 2013 by G. David Howard.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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ISBN: 978-1-4759-9907-5 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4759-9909-9 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4759-9908-2 (ebk)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013912940

iUniverse rev. date: 07/18/2013

Contents

Dedication

Caveat Lector

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Prologue

1

Group Shakedown Racket

2

Whining Malcontents

3

Phantom President

4

Socialist Fools and Their Tactics

5

What Budget?!

6

Golf in D. C.

7

Amorphous Rants

Climate Change (aka Global Cooling)

Global Cooling?

Driver Distractions

Dumbasses

Mayor Buffoonberg

Fundamental Transformation of America

Gun Control

Hate Crimes

Hillary’s Resignation

Immigration Reform

Liberal Media

Mathematics of Socialism

Middle East

Minimum Wage

Not Your Dad’s Democrat Party

North Korea

Obese Lesbians

Phobiaphobes

Racism

IRS Scandal

The Unaffordable Care (Tax) Act

Useful Idiots

Voting Rights

Dedication

To my wife, Dana for enduring this project, as she watched me start over and over, and under her breath, I know she was saying, He’s never going to finish that book. And to our four sons and their wives, Scott and his wife, Marlene and our grand kids, Aeleah, Brent and Cali, our son Kent and, son Brett and his wife Shelley, and grandson Isaiah, and son Kirt and granddaughter Katie. I must also dedicate this book to my sister, Lavonne and her brood, which is so large that I wouldn’t be able to get them all on this page, and our Goddaughter, Maya.

Caveat Lector

The contents of this book are my personal opinions and musings and are not intended to defame, humiliate or injure anyone. If I accidentally defamed, humiliated, or hurt someone’s feelings as a result of them reading my book, it was certainly not my intention.

Opinions found in this book are the express opinions and property of the author. Therefore, I, the author of this book, cannot be held responsible for the fact that the minds of the respected readers may be as dysfunctional as mine, if not more dysfunctional.

This book is not recommended for whiny, thin-skinned, overly sensitive prigs. If you are a whiny, thin-skinned, overly sensitive prig read at your own risk.

Acknowledgments

I only acknowledge those who agree with me.

The only thing wrong with people

who disagree with me is that they are wrong.

Important people along the way:

John McIntire, who pushed and encouraged me to pursue a career in comedy. Jim Stafford, whose friendship, support and encouragement will forever be at the forefront of my memories. Larry, Steve and Rudy Gatlin and their zest for life. Russ Giguere, Bob Costas, Bertie Higgins, Lionel, Murray Langston, Lynn Austin, Dick Schaal, George Brett, Amos Otis, Hal McRae, Buck Martinez, Darren Daulton, Von Hayes, Mike and Greg Maddux, Donna Caponi, Jan Stephenson, and Peter Jacobsen, each of them has enriched my life in one way or another.

In Memoriam

Woody Woodbury, one of my early comedy idols, was responsible for my first gig in Florida and a great inspiration. My good buddy, Pat Paulsen and his wife Noma, who always brought out the best in me. Foster Brooks, one of the warmest people I have known and Henny Youngman, who taught me to shorten the joke.

Introduction

The motivation for me to write this book came from two of my most passionate personal interests; humor and politics. Being a stand-up comedian requires being keenly aware of one’s environment, and having been a political junkie most of my life and a stand-up comedian for nearly forty years, it seemed only natural to spawn a work that would mix politics and humor into a fun and interesting read. Part of this book is dead serious and part of it is seriously funny. There are other parts that are obtuse observations of ordinary activities.

Prologue

Losing Her One Piece At A Time

By G. David Howard

Verse 1

She’s the greatest gal that I ever knew

She stands tall and wears her crown with pride

Says her mind and never bows or stoops

Being part of her has kept me satisfied

But I’m losing her one piece at a time

And I love her and I wanna dance again

Verse 2

Some folks came along and tried to change her

They tried to make her something else

Now she’s become a stranger

Look at her she’s a shell of herself

And I’m losing her one piece at a time

But I love her and I wanna dance again

Verse 3

She let me climb as high as I could climb

She’s been forever a part of my soul

But she’s bein’ taken one piece at a time

Now it’s time, time to make her whole

’Cause I’m losing her one piece at a time

I still love her and I wanna dance again

Chorus

Her name’s America, yeah the good old USA

America, we can dance the bad away

Let’s dance, dance for America

And bring her back, bring her back to stay

1

Group Shakedown Racket

The ongoing situation in our country is that group rights trump individual rights. The individual, which is THE most defenseless minority, is subject to the tyranny of the majority. So, if you aren’t in a group, you’re screwed. The 4M Group (Mindless Miserable Militant Misfits) is one of the most dangerous groups in the country. They are the ones who grease the wheel. These people are so miserable with their own lives it makes it virtually impossible for them to find any level of happiness, so their mission is to make everyone else as miserable as they are, thus leveling the playing field. The 4M Group is made up of activists from sub groups, like the Occupiers, MADD, PETA, NAACP, and this one is just great; people who have Multiple Chemical Sensitivity Syndrome, lobbying for new laws and regulations.

They have direct access to the S.H.I.T.s (Sanctimonious Hedonistic Imperious Thugs) the S.H.I.T.s is an arrogant group of elitists who have set themselves up as knowing what is better for everyone, concerning everything. I’m not sure when, or how this happened, but years ago the S.H.I.T.s, somehow, obtained an exclusive franchise on compassion, and they refuse to share their compassion with anyone who isn’t an S.H.I.T. They are so aggressive about maintaining their monopoly on compassion that they will beat the ever living snot out of any conservative who begins to show or even mention the tiniest bit of compassion. So, compassion is exclusively for the S.H.I.T.s.

These zealots are relentless in their quests for burdensome laws and regulations. Their jobs are not that difficult, considering the aiding and abetting they get from the liberal media and the cooperation they get from bureaucrats who have yet to see a new regulation they don’t like. The more regulations they have to enforce the more important and secure their job. They are at the forefront of any cause that allows them to stick their noses into someone else’s business.

There are the second hand smoke zealot’s, the climate change zealots and the environmental wackos. These are all members of the 4M Group.

The MADD group is one of the groups that really ticks me off. MADD is a subsidiary of the 4M Group. They cannot bear the thought that someone might go out and have a couple of glasses of wine, or a couple of beers, have a few laughs and go home without consequence. They are complete phonies. They claim to desire an end to impaired driving, which I don’t believe is their goal, at all. Their goal, in my opinion, is to punish people who go out and have a good time. The blood alcohol high watermark used to be .10, but that wasn’t good enough for MADD, they worked until it was lowered to .08, which is only a couple of drinks. Applying the same percentage to everyone is disgustingly stupid. There are other factors that should be considered; body size and food consumption are two that come to mind. But back to MADD, if they really wanted to end impaired driving they could have ended it decades ago, by demanding that breath activated ignitions be installed in all cars and trucks. Have you ever heard them ask for that? I haven’t. No, they want you to be able to start your car and drive. They want people to drink and drive, so they can be punished for having a good time. End drunk driving and they’re out of business. I think it is far more important to MADD, to see a bon vivant get punished, than to save a life.

And the way MADD has been able to manipulate statistics in order to strengthen their case is appalling. For example, if a car driven by a stone cold sober driver plows into a legally parked car, killing the sober driver and all four of the occupants in the parked vehicle, and if one of the passengers in the parked car had been drinking, that accident would be recorded as five alcohol related deaths, even though alcohol had absolutely nothing to do with the wreck. That’s how much they have stacked the deck. It appears to me