Now I See You

By Lauren Trevan

I once loved this man. It was strange to think I now wanted him in prison.

Jess met Julian when she was nineteen; he was thirty. He was charismatic, brilliant, and loving, until he was not. She thought she knew everything about him, but looking back, she wonders how she missed all the red flags. They were alway

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lauren Trevan
• Release date: Oct 24, 2023
• ISBN: 9780646887364

Book preview

Spring 2003

Iwasn’t meant to be here.

My knuckles white, gripping the bungy cord as we rose higher. For one long, terrifying moment, I lost sight of the horizon before the boat smacked down between the waves. Salty water spattered over me, invading my nostrils and mouth, and I bounced uncomfortably on the trampoline. But I didn’t care. I threw back my head in glee, exploding with laughter as my friend, Carrie, scrambled to regain her grip.

You ladies hang on tight, won’t you? called Julian, our skipper, flashing us a smile. Even though we only met Julian this morning on the catamaran, it was like we’d been friends for years. He made us feel welcome, part of the team. Now, his smile broadened as Carrie and I continued to flail around, struggling to keep our balance on the trampoline. All the while, he stood steadily, steering the boat along the coastline like it was the easiest thing on earth.

But I wasn’t meant to be here. I should have been having lunch with Matt, celebrating our three-year anniversary. He called last night, saying, Sorry babe. I know I promised, but I have an assignment due Monday and they offered me an extra shift at the pub. Blah blah blah … I’d stopped listening. His excuses were getting old. He was studying agriculture at a university that was a three hour drive away, working towards saving the planet by implementing sustainable farming techniques. I’m doing this for us babe, he told me, saying it was all part of our dream future together. Fat lot of good that did me now.

I should be glad he was so focused, but it had been a hard six months without him. At the beginning, we were both so eager to make long-distance work. He promised he’d be home most weekends. But he hadn’t been home for three weekends in a row, and now, he cancelled on our anniversary.

When I arrived at my six am shift this morning at Kendall’s Bakery, Carrie took one look at my face and said, What’s his excuse this time?

Matt has to work. I avoided her gaze as I tied the knot on my apron. And he has an assignment due.

Carrie patted me on the shoulder and started filling the cabinet with baked treats.

I booked Marshall’s ages ago, I said. What a waste. I picked up a tray of sourdough rolls and started stacking the shelf. Hey, why don’t you and I go to lunch? I’ve wanted to go there forever.

Oh, I’d love to, Carrie said, but I’m going sailing at Rochford. She cocked her head. Why don’t you come with me?

My eyebrows rose. Despite growing up in the rural coastal town of Darvo River, I had never sailed before. Carrie always came to work with crazy sailing stories, telling me how fun it was. What did I have to lose? I’d take any distraction from Matt at this point.

So after our four-hour shift, we headed to Rochford Sailing Club, and before we knew it, we were sailing out of the river mouth into the ocean.

Not much was required of us on the boat, so Carrie and I bounced around on the trampoline while the crew went about winding ropes and changing sails at Julian’s command.

Is it normally this rough? I called to Luke, one of the crew.

Luke threw me a goofy smile. You ain’t seen nothin’ yet! Don’t worry, we’ll make sure nothing happens to you. Julian’s the best of the best. Just sit back and enjoy the ride.

I glanced over at Carrie. Even though she kept a firm grip on the bungy, Carrie was glowing. There was a contented calmness I had not previously seen in my perpetually busy friend. It was clear how much it meant to her to be back on the water. She had grown up sailing but stopped when she got pregnant at nineteen.

I was nineteen and couldn’t imagine being pregnant now. But Carrie had taken it all in her stride. Now at twenty-nine, she had returned to university to complete her Bachelor of Business. It was a wonder how she managed it all: working at Kendall’s Bakery, studying, wrangling children, staying fit, keeping her house showroom tidy and now, taking up sailing again. I’d never seen her look so happy.

I echoed her smile. Something about this experience was making me feel more alive. Life had become a cycle of balancing work, study and a long-term relationship. The ease and joy of high school seemed a distant memory, where I spent afternoons surfing with friends or downing milkshakes at the surf club. I had not realised my life lacked excitement until now, out at sea, where all my synapses seemed to be firing in sensory overload.

My attention was pulled to a flock of sea birds, fluttering metres above the water. They took turns dive bombing what I assumed were bait fish. They squawked and screeched as they darted amongst each other in semi-organised chaos.

But amidst the tumult at sea, there was a calmness, too. The whoosh of the wind picking up a sail. Waves smashing between the hulls. Figures and cars dotted the shoreline, but they seemed a world away. Gone was the everyday hustle and bustle of life; I existed now in a simpler space, where moving forward was at its most primitive. A piece of cloth and a float, essentially. I marvelled at its simplicity and complexity.

How do you two like it so far? The skipper, Julian, lowered himself to sit at Carrie’s side. He looked in his late twenties and was a solid brick of a man, built like a rugby forward, standing just taller than me. Normally, I was attracted to taller guys, but his smile grabbed my attention. It was the smile of a Hollywood movie star; white and gleaming on a tanned face.

I turned to see Luke at the helm. His lanky build and toothy grin was a stark contrast to Julian’s rugged appeal.

I’ve missed this so much! Carrie said.

What about you … Jess is it? Julian directed his warm smile at me, causing another neuron flourish.

This is my first time, I said. He raised his eyebrows, which made me unaccountably giddy. It’s far better than I ever imagined. I had barely even thought about Matt since I boarded, for one thing.

We might see a sailor in you yet. Julian said, and my stomach leaped at the prospect.

Later, Julian pulled the boat into the mooring so masterfully I didn’t notice we were docked at first. I stepped onto the stationary jetty, soggy and cool. It took a few seconds for my legs to notice I was not on a moving boat anymore.

Luke walked towards us. Okay, time to put you two to work. Jess, follow me to the bow and hold this rope for a minute. I did as instructed, watching as the others packed away the sails. Luke disappeared to show Carrie to the stern. I’d never noticed what a bustling marina this was. There were people and boats everywhere, but it all appeared to work seamlessly.

Julian approached me, his lips spread broad, showing his perfect smile. Let me show you what to do with this. He took the rope from my hand and gently wrapped it around a metal cleat on the jetty. Now you try.

I squatted next to him and fiddled with the rope, trying to replicate what he’d done. Julian chuckled and leaned in so close our shoulders touched. He placed his hands on mine and led them in perfect figure eights to secure the vessel.

When he was done, he didn’t immediately let go of my hands. He leaned closer to my face, causing a tiny flutter in my chest. So, what do you think? Are you sold?

For a moment, I thought about how this day would have played out if Matt hadn’t cancelled on our anniversary lunch. It didn’t last. Absolutely.

I sat cross legged on my bed, opening and closing my flip phone, undecided on whether to make the call. Matt had left two messages of apology today.

I’m sorry babe, I should have been there x

I was still angry he let me down but I wasn’t going to ignore him forever, so I opened the phone and called him.

Hey babe, Matt said. I’m glad you’ve called me back. I’m so sorry about yesterday. He took a deep breath. That was a shit thing to do. I should have just blown the shift and handed the assignment in late.

It’s okay, I said. I understand. I fiddled with the threads of my cut-off denim skirt. I was just looking forward to Marshall’s. And I really want to see you. It felt crappy, that’s all.

No, it’s not okay, babe. I love you so much. I should have come. I was stressed about rent and my results. You know. Wondering if it’s all worth it … His voice trailed off.

Of course it’s all worth it, Matt. This is your passion. It’s everything you’ve dreamed of. My shoulders sagged; all my anger had dissolved. I wanted to reach through the phone and hug him.

I just miss all our friends. And I miss you and my family. His voice was quiet. It’s feeling hard at the moment.

I felt a pang of guilt. I miss you too.

I promise I’ll make it up to you.

I smiled, even though he couldn’t see it. Well, the whole day wasn’t a total waste. I told him about the day spent sailing with Carrie at Rochford Sailing Club. I didn’t mention Julian, the skipper with the nice smile. The omission bothered me, but I couldn’t reason why.

I’m thinking of doing a course and joining the club. I waited for a negative response. He was responsible with money and had made so many sacrifices for our future. But it’s not like I didn’t do my part. On top of weekend shifts at the bakery, I worked part time at Darvo Animal Hospital whilst studying veterinary nursing. The money was not great, but it was fine while I was still at home with Mum and Dad. Still, I felt a tad guilty spending money on hobbies when he struggled to pay his rent.

To my surprise, he sounded interested. I told him the cost and what was involved. Once I’m a member, I can get involved in the evening social races and formal regattas.

"Well, I’m glad someone will have a good time."

I bristled at the sarcasm. It’s not all beer and skittles here, you know!

You sound like your dad. His voice lightened again.

I laughed despite myself. I did sound like Dad.

Seriously … I’m happy for you, he said. A little jealous, that’s all. Have you caught up with anyone from school?

We had a close bond with our group from school. All of us tried hard to maintain it despite many splitting off in different directions to follow their dreams. I still caught up every week with my best friend, Rose, and some others at Darvo Surf Club.

Yeah, most of us were at the club Thursday.

Cool. I wish I could have come. I heard longing in his tone.

I know. Me too.

Hey sorry, babe. My shift starts in ten, I better hit the road. I promise I will make it up to you soon. Love you.

I love y– He hung up before I could finish.

I sighed. This long-distance relationship deal was harder than I ever imagined.

We were sipping on wine spritzers after our first official race as crew members. Now, Carrie and I stood on the balcony at Rochford Sailing Club, watching as the sun dipped over the headland past the centre of town.

The marina was a flurry of action as people cleaned and locked up the last of the vessels before nightfall. There was always something happening in this stretch of the river and Rochford sat in prime position to view it all. No wonder the restaurant attached to it got away with charging exorbitant prices, boasting the best view in town.

I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. The race had been a success, but even if it hadn’t, it didn’t matter. It wasn’t about winning or losing. There was something about being out on the water and returning to the dock with sinuses clear, face sticky from sea spray and licking the salty residue off my lips. I felt alive.

I’m getting chilly, Carrie said. Should we head inside?

I nodded and we walked towards the bar, where the room was a hum with music and members sprawled about, chatting about the race. Friendly banter could be heard as we passed different groups. I loved the inside of the club almost as much the view outside. The white-washed floorboards and wood panelled walls had an elegant but beachy feel, completely different to the daggy old surf club. I’d gone there less since I joined Rochford. I missed my old friends, but the surf club made me miss Matt more.

While Carrie refilled our drinks, I strolled around the room, checking out the club photos spread on the walls. Most faces I didn’t recognise, but there were a few I did. I found myself drawn to Julian, who featured in many, proudly holding trophies, Luke often by his side. He must have been a member for years, as there were photos of him at around my age, maybe younger. Since then, a few lines had appeared, and his physique had thickened, but his smile remained the same.

My eyes lingered until Carrie distracted me by handing me another wine spritzer.

The music stopped.

Can I have everyone’s attention please? Julian stood on the stage next to the bar. He held a Peroni stubbie in one hand and ran his other hand through his dark hair.

Everyone gathered closer and quietened.

His voice was loud and confident; no need for a microphone. On behalf of our club president, Mr Crowlers, I would like to take this opportunity to officially welcome our newest members to Rochford Sailing Club. He lifted his drink to his lips and took a long gulp before continuing. He had the room. No need to hurry.

He continued: Seven people have successfully completed our sailing course over the last three weeks and tonight, two are here proving how much they’ve learnt by crewing for me in the third of the friendly series. He cleared his throat and gestured to Carrie and me. I flushed, trying to ignore the many pairs of eyes looking our way.

"These ladies were fantastic aboard tonight, with almost no mistakes." I turned redder remembering I had headed to the wrong block and tackle before Luke rescued me, steering me in the right direction. I had dipped my head in embarrassment for my petty mistake, but Julian had laughed it off. He had lowered his sunglasses to shoot a wink in my direction, his dark eyes momentarily blocking a chest valve.

I would like everyone to make an effort to introduce yourselves to Carrie and Jess tonight. He slugged his beer. Now, can everyone please raise their glasses. Cheers to Carrie and Jess! He drained the rest of his beer and stepped off the stage.

Your face has gone bright red, Carrie said, chuckling.

You’re one to talk, I said. Go find a mirror. That was so embarrassing.

A woman approached us. She wore a warm smile that reminded me of Mum’s. Nothing fake about it. Hi, I’m Bridget Smith. She shook hands with both of us. Welcome to Rochford. After we introduced ourselves, Bridget dived into stories of who’s who within the club, pointing out members as she went. That’s my husband, Oliver. She pointed to an older man with a serious face chatting in a group with Julian, Luke and a few others. And over there is Rhonda and Frank. They’re second generation members. Big contributors to the club … a lot of dough to flash about. She rubbed her thumb and index finger together.

That’s Sarah and Tony Robinson over there. She pointed towards a man and woman I assumed to be in their late twenties. Sarah’s hand rested on her back as if to hold the spinal curve caused by her enormous belly. I’m surprised she’s here, she’s due any day. And, of course, you know Julian. I followed her finger, pointing towards Julian. He was laughing with Luke again, his arm slung over an attractive twenty-something blonde.

Is that his girlfriend? I blurted before thinking.

Oh yes. That’s Kayla. They’ve been dating going on … She tapped her finger to her lower lip. Three years now. She took a sip of wine. Julian has been with Rochford since his late teens. We’ve seen quite a few girlfriends come and go, but Kayla is his longest relationship I’ve seen.

He seems like a nice guy, Carrie added.

Oh, he is. No one gives more time to this club than Julian. He’s on the committee, but I think he even gives more time than the president himself. He’s so generous. Always helping everyone. He’s wonderful with the juniors. Always goes above and beyond.

I nodded towards Luke, who had left Julian and was now animating a funny story to Oliver. What’s Luke’s story?

Oh, Luke is almost joined at the hip with Julian. He’s a great guy, too. Both know their stuff. Really talented sailors. The group around Julian erupted in laughter again. Oliver gets frustrated competing against Julian. He says it’s like Julian knows what the wind will do before even the wind does. She laughed and sipped again.

I put my wine on a nearby table. I’m just ducking to the loo.

As I dried my hands in the bathroom, I looked at my reflection in the mirror. There was a lightness I’d never noticed before. A slack in my facial muscles. My eyes seemed brighter. Gone was the usual furrowed, heavy brow.

I couldn’t help but smile to myself as I left the bathroom. In the hall, I spotted Julian heading in my direction. He stopped before me.

What are you smiling about? he said, reflecting my smile. He ran a hand through his hair, making it sit up in messy tufts, which just added to his rugged appeal.

I’m just enjoying the night, I said, my grin spreading wider. That’s all.

Sorry if I embarrassed you earlier. I was being honest, though. You two are doing great. Particularly you, Jess, having never sailed before. He placed his hand on my shoulder. I felt the weight of his heavy, muscular arm. Despite being shorter, Julian’s arms were twice the size of Matt’s. I felt a stab of guilt acknowledging it, but it was quickly shadowed by the warmth of Julian’s touch. It spiralled to my fingertips, turning them to fire.

Thanks, I murmured, looking at the carpet, unable to hold his gaze. It’s a whole new world to me. I risked a glance up. I’m loving it!

His smile broadened when my eyes landed on his again. That’s great, Jess. You have a lot of potential. I can help you out with improving your technique, if you like. I’m more than happy to do some coaching sessions with you to help with your confidence. He rubbed his thumb lightly on my shoulder before removing his hand.

I inhaled deeply. It was like I stopped breathing when his hand landed on my shoulder. I tried to steady my voice and said, That would be great, thanks Julian.

He smiled and walked away. I stared at his back until he disappeared into the men’s room.

Was he flirting with me? Surely not. He was just being friendly. He was in a long-term relationship, and he knew I was, too.

Did I just flirt back?

I brushed my teeth with too much vigour for comfort, hands shaking with fury. What the hell did Matt expect? So, he could cancel on me whenever he saw fit, but expected me to drop all my plans without warning?

I was invited to crew on Oliver’s boat in the Darvo River Classic, one of the biggest races of the season. I didn’t want to miss it. I’d worked so hard to prepare for it. Over the past few weeks, Julian had helped me with one-on-one training. And Matt wanted me to give it up just because he decided to bless me with his company for a weekend!

I returned to my bedroom to find Matt laying on the bed, facing away from me. Any closer to the edge and he’d be on the floor.

I rolled my eyes and yanked the covers back hard enough to make a point. I got into bed, my back to him. I snatched at my book and read, turning the pages loudly. This was not how I envisaged us going to bed the first night he had been home in almost two months.

Only a few pages in, I felt Matt roll over. He slid his hand onto my right hip. I was not even wearing my nice pyjamas; a passive show of upset.

I didn’t speak, letting him fill the silence, for once.

Look Jess, I’m sorry, okay? He pulled his body up against mine, barely a breath between us. I don’t want to argue. I just thought that you might want to spend the day with me tomorrow.

Of course, I do, I said. "But I’m not going to drop everything to accommodate you when it suddenly suits. I’ve worked so hard at this. I finally found something I enjoy doing. I’m not missing tomorrow’s regatta for anything."

Matt squeezed my hip. I get it. I was probably a bit selfish. I just wanted you all to myself for the weekend. He nudged closer, kissing my neck, his hands rediscovering what he’d missed. What we’d both missed. I let my book drop and turned to face him.

I’ll tell you what, why don’t you come down to the club for a drink after the race? I’ll introduce you to the friends I’ve made. You’ll love Luke. And Bridget will adore you. There was one name I didn’t say. Would he like Julian? I couldn’t see why not, but for some reason, the idea of Matt and Julian being in the same room together made me uncomfortable. I forced myself to refocus on Matt. Jim and Carrie are going to bring Meghan and Amelia along for the afternoon, too.

That sounds great. I’ll catch up with the boys for a surf in the morning. He swept me onto my back and placed light kisses all over my neck and chest. Now, to make it up to you. I grinned and brought his mouth to mine realising how much my body had missed his.

Julian stood on the stage, holding a huge trophy. He waited patiently for the room to quieten. It didn’t take long; his presence rarely went unnoticed. He let the room simmer in silence for a moment, eyes brushing over different club members in turn. His eyes met mine. Did they linger a little longer with me?

I blushed, glancing at Matt standing next to me. We were at the edge of the room, near the balcony outside. I pulled him closer, wrapping my arm through his. When I looked back at Julian, he had fixed his attention to a blonde at the front of the crowd; his girlfriend, Kayla.

Thanks, everyone, Julian said. I just wanted to say a huge thank you to Luke, Kayla and the rest of my crew today for being so instrumental in taking out yet another Darvo River Classic. The next round is on me. Cheers!

Everyone cheered, but no one louder than Luke, who immediately launched towards the bar.

Matt put his arm over my shoulder. Well, babe, I’m impressed. You’ve done a great job to be part of a nearly winning team. He kissed the top of my head.

I beamed. My cheeks were growing sore from smiling so much, but I’d worn a huge grin since the race ended. I didn’t expect my team to place, let alone come second, in my first big race. But the truth was, I’d been smiling since I joined Rochford. Carrie and I had spent a lot of time around the club over the past month; it had almost become a home away from home. It was the only thing helping me deal with the long-distance thing.

And you too, Carrie, even if you came last, Jim chuckled, tapping Carrie’s backside.

She swatted him away. It wasn’t last! She opened her mouth to say more to her husband, but her attention was diverted by the sight of her girls leaning over the balcony rail. They were spotting fish in the brackish water below. Meghan! Amelia! Be careful. Don’t lean over the railing.

The oldest, Meghan, pouted but stepped away from the rail. She was ten but had the maturity of a girl much older. The eight-year-old, Amelia, just giggled, ignoring her mother in favour of mimicking the sea gulls.

Both girls were spitting images of their mother, Carrie, sharing her auburn locks. But while Meghan’s hung in perfect curls, like Carrie’s, Amelia’s spilled down her back in unruly waves.

I’d gotten to know Carrie’s daughters even better over the past few weeks since I started helping Julian with the junior training sessions. They joined the junior program not long after Carrie and I became members. Amelia brought cheek and laughter to every training session, while it was amazing to watch their eldest, Meghan; her steadfast focus and competitive nature foretelling a fierce racer in the future. I loved being a part of it and couldn’t help imagining my future children learning to sail here one day, too.

Julian approached us and headed straight to Meghan and Amelia. He dropped to one knee. Are you both coming to training tomorrow morning?

Meghan smiled, nodding in response, but Amelia hopped from the rail, shouting, Definitely!

A wide smile spread on Julian’s face. Right answer! He high fived them both and winked at Carrie, who looked happy watching the exchange.

Julian stood and joined our group. He shook Jim’s hand. Good to see you again, Jim.

You too, Jim said. Good win today.

Julian, I said, this is Matt, my boyfriend I told you about.

Matt offered his hand, smiling.

Julian shook Matt’s hand, nodding absently, before darting away to join another group.

Matt raised an eyebrow at Julian’s speedy departure. I shrugged; he must have had a million people to greet tonight, being the leader of the winning team.

Luke dived into the middle of our circle, beer in hand, trophy high, singing ‘We Are the Champions’. He didn’t seem to care he was out of tune.

I laughed, shaking my head at my nutty friend.

Carrie grabbed Luke’s shoulders, cutting off his song, and pressed him to help her get on a better boat for the next race. Luke sent pleading eyes my way, but I could only shrug. There was no stopping Carrie once she decided to do something.

I left the group to refill my drink. Julian stood by the bar with Kayla. Our eyes met, but his expression was unreadable. I turned away, ordering my drink. As I waited, Julian enveloped Kayla, kissing her passionately.

I couldn’t look away. Kayla was his girlfriend; they were drunk and in love. I didn’t know why I stood there, transfixed. But there was something in the way he had looked at me that gave me pause. I was used to him smiling, joking around and exchanging banter. But he had barely said anything to me this afternoon.

Abruptly, he let go of Kayla, his eyes meeting mine for the briefest moment before he grabbed the attention of the bartender.

I walked away, holding my drink, racking my brain to explain his odd behaviour. He had been so nice to Jim when Carrie introduced them, but he practically ignored Matt when I introduced him. He was probably just distracted celebrating his win. So many new faces to meet, it must have been overwhelming. He was usually much nicer when he met people, trying to sell them on the sport. More often than not, he succeeded.

I rejoined the group, glancing back at Julian. Matt, Carrie and Jim were discussing our country’s political climate. Carrie made a comment about the need for more women in politics.

I sipped on my drink, nodding and half listening to the conversation, my mind wandering to my training sessions with Julian. The time I’d spent with him in the dinghy had been some of the most fun I’d had in months. I put it down to availability. My friends were drifting away and Matt was barely around; it was great to make a friend and spend my free time doing something.

It was nothing to do with Julian.

But my eyes subconsciously wandered in Julian’s direction throughout the night, and I was hyper aware every time he was in my vicinity. Like a silent alarm causing my heart rate to climb and my body temperature to rise a degree.

I forced my brain back to the moment, back to Matt. I was in love with Matt. The only problem with Matt is that he was gone most of the time.

I stared at the empty chair with disdain. I had been looking forward to Rochford’s annual fundraiser since I’d joined three months ago. I didn’t know why I got my hopes up again. Another day, another Matt no-show. But even though I’d grown used to his last-minute cancellations, it didn’t make them any easier.

The member’s bar was packed with round, white-clothed tables. Fairy lights wound around the