You Can: Become the Person You Have Wished You Could Be

By Kayla Small

Life has a way of granting us our own distinctive story. Even after being saved by Jesus, Kayla Small still battled with bouts of anger as well as a lack of self-control, joy, and patience. She knew she needed to transform into a better human being. But how?

In an inspirational guide, Kayla shares her unique life experiences, relevant scripture, personal growth principles, and other insights to teach other believers how to forge ahead to become the best version of themselves. While emphasizing that God wants to transform us so that we can become everything He has always meant us to be, Kayla leads others down a path within to understand that they have the power to change the way they think, their attitude, and their legacies and generational curses while choosing love, forgiveness, integrity, and obedience to persevere through the unknown and seek their divine destiny.

You Can shares tools, scripture, stories, and wisdom to inspire believers to develop character, grow potential, and embrace integrity to live a beautiful life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Oct 20, 2023
• ISBN: 9798385006397

Kayla Small

Kayla Small has developed a unique insight for being a transformed person in Christ. She homeschools her three children while working outside the home, and has a passion for teaching and serving at her church. She and her husband, Derek, enjoy serving in ministry and missions and reside with their children in a small town in Ontario, Canada.

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We know that suffering produces perseverance;

perseverance, character; and character, hope.

—Romans 5:3–4

CONTENTS

Foreword

Introduction

Chapter 1     You Can Change the Way You Think

Chapter 2     You Can Change Your Attitude

Chapter 3     You Can Choose Love

Chapter 4     You Can Forgive

Chapter 5     You Can Ask for Help

Chapter 6     You Can Have Integrity

Chapter 7     You Can Change Legacies, Set Boundaries, and Break Generational Curses

Chapter 8     You Can Love Your Enemies

Chapter 9     You Can Be Obedient

Chapter 10   You Can Persevere through the Unknown and Uncertain

Chapter 11   You Can Seek Destiny, Not Destination

Conclusion

Bibliography

FOREWORD

I met Kayla years ago at Jubilee Church in Stratford. What drew my wife and I to her was her prophetic gift and her love for Jesus. I am privileged to write this foreword to her book You Can.

Kayla has written a profound book outlining her experiences growing up and how God has transformed her through her time with Him. Her use of scripture, the very relevant examples from her life, and quotes from various authors are compelling and life-giving. She has written not just a book, but a manual for life. She shares her amazing life journey in a warm and very personal manner. What she has written will help those struggling with life and will lift them into biblical insights that can be transformational. I highly recommend You Can.

—Dr. Mark Garner, MA, MSc, DMin

INTRODUCTION

For years I wondered why some people were just so nice and why some people never seemed to get angry. It actually frustrated me that some people were always happy. I would be irritated and annoyed that they never raised their voices, lost control, or had an urge to throw something. Yes, I was a little angry, but why was it that little things—or, more importantly, big things—didn’t annoy them into a frenzy? Didn’t they have opinions? Why not fight for your right to be heard? These people were always calm, had patience on demand, were gentle, and never failed to be kind. The fire of rage that burned in me grew when I had to deal with these people who were so nice and kind! However, years went by, and in my broken and struggling life, I realized that as much as I hated these nice people, more than anything I wished I could be them.

This desire sent me on years of searching. I had come to a point in my life where I was tired of the way things were. Life had taken its toll on me, and it was all too much to bear. My way wasn’t working; I thought that maybe, just maybe, their way would be better.

I grew up in a broken environment. Although I was raised as a Christian, anger, manipulation, and control were prevalent in my household. There were constant arguments. Yelling and name-calling were common. As a result of the anger, there was violence. The brokenness I experienced left me helpless and desperate on the inside—desperate for love, attention, acceptance. So I went looking. I found boys, alcohol, and rebellion; and for years I sought after these. Eventually the hurt grew as boys failed, alcohol never cured pain, and rebellion had consequences. Suicide seemed tempting. Self-inflicting pain didn’t seem to change anything. I wanted out. I wanted it all to stop. Life was mean, cruel, and left me bruised, broken, abandoned, and rejected, wanting and struggling to have hope. Christians and non-Christians had failed me, hurt me, rejected me.

One day, however, everything changed when Jesus saved me. Slowly, very slowly, my life began to change. Jesus gave me hope and healed some of the brokenness and loss as I received Him as Lord and Father. Yet I still had anger. Why was I still so angry? How come I could not be nice? Where was my self-control? What did these nice people have that I didn’t? I had Jesus, but how come I couldn’t be patient or kind? How come I could still be so easily set off or gossip or be so opinionated? Why did I still want to get drunk or lie or have sex? The answer is that early on, I believed a lie. I was told over and over again in my brokenness, You can’t be that girl. You will never be that person; you are not that kind of person. I experienced years of name-calling, lies, teasing, insults, and accusations from people who said things like watch out for her, don’t get on her bad side, you’re selfish, you’re arrogant, you’re manipulative, you’re mad, you’re ugly—and the list goes on. I did the things I did because I thought inside it was who I was. I believed the lie that I had no control and no power to change. On the other hand, I hated that person and wanted to change! I had Jesus now! He had saved me. He loved me! And even if only for Him, I wanted to change. Actually, the Word instructed me that to be a follower of Jesus, I needed to change. But how in the world could I ever be that person?

This book is a collection of the things I have learned during this process of becoming someone I never thought I could be—becoming someone I was told I never was. Today, to those who know me well, when I speak of the person I was, it sounds barbaric to them. They struggle to see me as that mean, violent, rebellious girl. I want to encourage you by letting you know that God wants to transform you also so you can become everything He always meant you to be, everything you were created to become, before life had its way with you. You can be different. You can change. You can be nice, kind, respectful, and honorable. You can love in the way that Jesus wants you to love. You can have self-control. You can live a joy filled life without needing to suppress your true feelings or numb them with a bottle. All these things are yours in Christ Jesus. This book is a tool to lead you to different areas of growth toward this goal. It pieces together areas that I learned along the way. These make a significant, if not the greatest, impact in our inner selves, which ultimately transform the outer self—the part of you others see and experience. Join me as you seek to be transformed. You can do this!

CHAPTER 1

YOU CAN CHANGE THE

WAY YOU THINK

Growing up in brokenness—in the trenches of shame, guilt, and condemnation—becomes one of our greatest challenges as humans; it leads to wrong thinking. Wrong thinking in itself can come from a multitude of places, such as abuse, family backgrounds, cultures, circumstances, or a voice that was constant or was heard only once. Wrong thinking can quickly seep into our lives. The problem is that the way we think greatly influences the way we act, make decisions, process life, and interpret life and people around us. Our minds, our thoughts, and our emotions are all very complex. I don’t presume to know the extent of it all, as I am not a trained psychologist or neuroscientist. However, I do know that the Bible spends a great deal of time teaching us about identity: the way we are to think, filter life, and interpret the things going on around us. In this book, I am focusing on those who have made a decision to follow Jesus and have made Him the Lord and Savior of their lives. If you have not yet made this decision, I encourage you to keep reading to see what lies in store for those who believe in the name of Jesus. Journey with us as we learn the many promises God has given us and discover what happens when we align our thinking with the truth of the Word of God.

One of the ways I personally thought wrongly for a long time came from not knowing my true identity in Christ. I understood that God loved me. I understood that Jesus was Lord, and I received him as the Lord of my life. However, there were many pieces of this complex mystery that I did not know, and this limited my understanding of what Jesus had truly done for me. This affected me on the inside and outside. One of those mysteries is knowing that I am made righteous in Christ.

The Gift of Righteousness

If you have chosen Jesus as your Lord and Savior, repented for your sins, and asked that He cleanse you and make you whole, then you have received the gift of God: righteousness. Romans 5:17 says, For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God’s abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ (NIV).

In Ephesians 2:1–3, we read, And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience - among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and mind and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind (ESV).

Verse 4 says, But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places of Christ Jesus.

Verse 8 says, For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works (ESV).

One of the very first things we need to understand in order to give ourselves right thinking is that this gift of righteousness has been given to us. When we were still sinners, living like the rest of humankind, we were arrogant, selfish, inconsiderate, rebellious, and promiscuous, but God, who is love and is full of mercy and kindness, chose to free us through Jesus Christ. Romans 5:17 explains to us that when one man, whom we know as Adam, sinned, death reigned in him. This means all things that lead to sin and death ruled over him—pride, envy, jealousy, and lust. We, at one time, were just like Adam; we are descendants of Adam, so we also take part in these things. However, those who received God’s abundant grace, which we know is Jesus, received the gift that comes from Him, which is righteousness. Righteousness is the gift of peace, joy, love, and hope. As we receive this gift, we reign in life (no longer in death) through Jesus Christ.

Through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it weakened the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so, he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the spirit (Romans 8:2–4 NIV). A debt had to be paid for our sin; Jesus Christ died so that debt could be paid through Him. Now that He has paid for our sin, we no longer have to live lives of sin; nor do sinful things have any power over our actions, minds, or choices. Instead, we now have the Spirit, the Holy Spirit, living inside us and working out righteousness in us. You, however, are not controlled by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. If Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. (See Romans 8:10 NIV.)

I was made righteous not by my doing, not because of any performance I made or success I have had, and not because of any holy ceremony I participated in, but simply by a gift of God’s grace when I received Jesus. I also received the Holy Spirit, who now works in me. The Holy Spirit works inside me to steer me toward a holy life, leading me away from sin. The convictions I now have from the Holy Spirit against my old behaviors and sinful actions are there to encourage me to lead a life of love, purity, prosperity, responsibility, and accountability.

Second Corinthians 5:17 says, Therefore, anyone who is in Christ is a new creation; old things have passed away, behold all things have become new. This is so important to understand. Old things have passed away. They are gone. The debt owed to them has been paid; therefore, I am free to change, transform, and become new. The girl who used to lie and cheat passed away; now I get to be (by the gift given to me) the girl who tells the truth and plays by the rules. The person who once chose to sleep with her boyfriend gets to stop living for lust and can become a girl who loves, waits, and has self-control. The person who once sought alcohol to cure the pain can now seek Jesus with all her pain. The person who once was motivated by a spirit of fear that made her angry, disrespectful, and bitter is now living by 2 Timothy 1:7: For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of love, of power and self-control. Through Jesus, I was redeemed from condemning words that seemed to follow me wherever I went, crippling any kind of growth or self-confidence. There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).

God has chosen to leave in the past your sins and your old way of living; you need to too. You were taught with regard to your former way of life, to put off our old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness (Ephesians 4:22–24).

Another understanding I lacked is whose I became when I received this gift. Growing up in brokenness, I struggled to feel accepted, validated, and like I belonged. There was a constant hunger for approval in me. Because my life was tough, and many days felt like survival more than simply living, there was a constant feeling of fear.

I want to note that I experienced many great, awesome, fun things in my childhood. I am the oldest of four children, and we are all very close in age. We loved to play together. We grew up on a farm, and we spent hours and hours outdoors, playing all sorts of fun games, including house and farmers. I loved to play with Barbies and had an amazing collection of Barbie things and a huge Barbie house. My family was close to our extended family, and we celebrated all the holidays together. There was always a sense of community and care. However, even in the midst of these good things, because of the words spoken to me, the lies I had believed, and so on, I felt a sense of rejection. Over time, that rejection gave birth to something called an orphan spirit. Even though I had family all around me, inside I saw myself alone, rejected, unloved, and unwanted, just like someone abandoned as an orphan. What I struggled to realize was that God had brought me into His family when I received Him. I was no longer a child without any belonging; I had been adopted into a heavenly family.

For if you live according to the sinful nature you will die; but … by the Spirit … you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him, we cry Abba, Father. The spirit testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings; in order that we may also share in his glory. (Romans 8:13–17)

Remember that you were at that time separated from Christ … having no hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus you who were once far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. (Ephesians 2:12–13 ESV)

For through him [Jesus]we both have access in one Spirit to the Father. So, then you are no longer strangers or aliens, but are fellow citizens and saints and members of the household of God. (Ephesians 2:18-19 ESV)

This is right thinking to know that in having received our free gift of righteousness, which came to us by the blood shed by Jesus, our debts have been paid. Now having been freed from sin, we have access to God, and we now are members in his family and children of God. We are coheirs with Christ. God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in heavenly realms in Christ Jesus (Ephesians 2:6).

One of my greatest challenges I have had is truly understanding this message. When I chose Jesus to be Lord in my life and received through Him righteousness; I no longer had to live the life of sin I once had, and that broken home I came from was no longer my home. Heaven is now my home. I am now a part of God’s family.

Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God- children not born of natural descent, nor human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God. (John 1:12–13)

You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light. (1 Peter 2:9)

In Love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ. (Ephesians 1:5)

It was always God’s plan that we would become His children, because he loves us that much. As sons, daughters, and coheirs, we now receive an inheritance from heaven. We have access to the things of God.

The kingdom of God is not a matter of eating or drinking, but of righteousness, peace, joy, in the Holy Spirit. (Romans 14:17) In the kingdom is righteousness, peace, and joy; these are yours. In the kingdom of God is prosperity, good health and life, these are yours. The fruits of the Holy Spirit—which are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control—are yours. (Galatians 5:22–23). In your life, you have free access to being gentle! That old self who once hated everyone and everything, has been given the gift and fruit in your life of kindness, patience, and gentleness.

Let’s be clear; I am not saying you can snap your fingers and it will be there. But we can understand in our minds not only that we can be kind but also that God has given us this fruit through His Spirit to become kind. Kindness maybe wasn’t there before, but now it is! What we could not do on our own we can