The Ten Commandments of Dating: Time Tested Laws for Building Successful Relationships

By Ben Young and Samuel Adams

The Ten Commandments of Dating, completely revised and updated, offers hope and sanity to singles who are sick and tired of the dating scene.

Many people are tired of pouring time, energy, and money into relationships that start off great and end with heartache. Because of that, they need The Ten Commandments of Dating to give them the hard-hitting, black-and-white, practical guidelines that will address their questions and frustrations about dating.

Revised and updated for a new generation of daters, this guide will help men and women keep their head as they search for the desires of their hearts. The Ten Commandments of Dating isn't more relationship advice; it's relationship common sense.

If people keep the ten commandments of dating, their relationships will run more smoothly, they will be protected from the pain of contemporary dating pitfalls, and they'll be on their way to building living, lasting relationships.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media
• Release date: Jan 6, 2008
• ISBN: 9781418537661

Ben Young

Professor, Department of Civil Engineering, The University of Hong Kong, Pokfulam Road, Hong Kong.

Book preview

THe Ten

commanDmenTS

oF DaTInG

OTHER BOOKS BY THE AUTHORS

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The Ten Commandments of Dating Student Edition

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Los Diez Mandamientos Del Noviazgo

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The One: A Realistic Guide to Choosing Your Soul Mate

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Devotions for Dating Couples

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Common Grounds: Conversations About Things That Matter Most

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Why Mike’s Not a Christian: Honest Questions About Evolution,

Relativism, Hypocrisy, and More

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0785289380_ePDF_0004_004

To Elliott and Julie

© 1999 by Ben Young and Samuel Adams

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or other—except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson. Thomas Nelson is a registered trademark of Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Thomas Nelson, Inc., titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, fund-raising, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail [e-mail].

Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are from the HOLY BIBLE: NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations noted NKJV are from the NEW KING JAMES VERSION. © 1979, 1980, 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc., Publishers.

Names and stories in this book are based on actual incidents. However, all names and details have been changed to protect privacy.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Young, Ben.

  The ten commandments of dating / Ben Young & Sam Adams.

    p.    cm.

  Includes bibliographical references.

  ISBN 978-0-7852-7022-5

  ISBN 978-0-7852-8938-8 (revised)

  1. Dating (Social customs) 2. Dating (Social customs)—Religious aspects—Christianity.

I. Adams, Sam. II. Title.

HQ801.Y68 1999 646.7'7—dc21

98-47789

CIP

Printed in the United States of America

 08   09   10   11   12   RRD   5   4   3   2   1

ConTenTs

Introduction

Commandment One:

Thou Shalt Get a Life

Commandment Two:

Thou Shalt Use Your Brain

Commandment Three:

Thou Shalt Be Equally Yoked

Commandment Four:

Thou Shalt Take It Slow

Commandment Five:

Thou Shalt Set Clear Boundaries

Commandment Six:

Thou Shalt Save Sex for Later

Commandment Seven:

Thou Shalt Not Play House

Commandment Eight:

Thou Shalt Fight Fairly

Commandment Nine:

Thou Shalt Not Ignore Warning Signs

Commandment Ten:

Thou Shalt Choose Wisely

Appendix to Commandment Ten:

A Word to the Wise About Where

and How You Are Choosing

Conclusion (Commandment Eleven):

Thou Shalt Take Action

Study Guide

Notes

Acknowledgments

About the Authors

InTRoDucTIon

If you are like most singles, you are tired of the dating scene. You are tired of pouring time, energy, and money into relationships that start off great and end with heartache. Maybe you are frustrated because you can’t find The One for you, no matter how hard you pray, primp, and plead. Maybe you’ve been in many serious relationships, but for some unknown reason you can’t seem to close the deal. Or perhaps you are single again and are afraid of making the same mistakes that resulted in so much pain and disillusionment in previous relationships.

While I (Ben) can’t feel your pain, I can definitely relate. There were times in my dating career that I felt so confused and put out with the whole system, I thought my brain would explode. I said, God, either arrange a marriage for me or make me a monk, because this dating thing ain’t working. I was so disillusioned that Mother Teresa’s way of life looked more attractive than ever.

During my dating struggle, I began to write down quips and theories (like The Platonic Relationship Theory, The Heisman Trophy Treatment, and The Heavy Metal Headbanger Trap) for teenagers, college students, and singles. After a few years, I coined nearly fifty dating terms, a collection we call Swami Ben’s Theories and Observations on the Mixed-Up, Crazy World of Relationships. Granted, I was no relationship swami, but through experience and a lot of thought, I was learning the basics on how to make the dating thing really work.

Finally, the dating thing worked in my life, and not just in my theories. God did not answer my bogus prayer request to arrange a marriage or turn me into a monk, but He did allow me to meet the woman of my dreams, learn how to grow in this relationship, and eventually get married. Finding such a woman was well worth the years of pain, struggle, and loneliness.

During a decade of working with thousands of singles, and gleaning wisdom from my own dating experiences, I began to discover not just relationship theories, but relationship laws. In other words, there were laws of dating just as there were laws of nature. I noticed that if you kept these laws—we call them commandments—you would be blessed, and if you broke them you would be cursed. I called my good friend, clinical psychologist, Dr. Sam Adams, to see if these laws I observed were based in reality or if I was just delusional. He verified that I was not insane and told me he also believed there were some absolutes in the dating process. We decided to combine my street-smart insights and observations of relationships with his clinical knowledge and counseling expertise, and this book is the result.

SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE

Since this book was originally published, it has outsold our wildest imaginations because of the practical nature of these simple and timeless truths. I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised, because we know God’s Truth transcends time and culture. And while God’s Truth and the nature of human relationships never change, mine and Sam’s worlds sure have. Sam has now been married over twenty years and has four kids, with the oldest in high school. And I’ve been married now for sixteen years and have two young daughters that are growing up too fast for my comfort. Both of us would agree that contemplating our own children being in the dating world only makes us believe more strongly in these relationship laws. In fact, thinking about any guys coming to the front door to take out my daughters is enough incentive for me to convert to Catholicism so I can check my girls into a convent during those years to come. That’s not too extreme is it?

OUR VISION

Our vision in writing this book is to provide you with ten time-tested relationship laws to protect you from the pitfalls of modern dating and to greatly increase your odds of successful dating. We promise to stay away from contemporary, relativistic dating theories. Our goal is not to tickle your ears or fill your mind with pseudopsychological platitudes on relationships. There is enough bad advice on dating being spewed out on TV sitcoms, talk shows, and blogs to fill legions of single bars, health clubs, and Internet chat rooms. This book will give you practical, no-nonsense commandments on how to make dating work (and please don’t be offended by our political incorrectness). Keep in mind, these are not suggestions or recommendations based upon surveys and opinion polls. These are solid truths that, for the most part, have a moral foundation. If you keep the Ten Commandments of Dating, your relationships will run more smoothly, you will protect yourself from the pain of contemporary dating pitfalls, and you will be on your way to building loving, lasting relationships.

Having said that, we want to acknowledge two attitudes that often bring about resistance to the idea of nonnegotiable laws for dating (we may as well address them up front):

1. Moral Relativism

One of the most disturbing trends in our society is the attitude of moral relativism. The essence of this belief is that there are no absolute truths; all truth is relative. Therefore, what’s true for you may not be true for me, according to this approach. Moral relativists stress tolerance and what feels right. They do not believe in an absolute standard that helps distinguish between clear right and wrong. In fact, they are offended by this idea. Because this attitude is so pervasive in our culture, you can’t help but be influenced by it somewhat.

Are there absolutes? Do we have a source of truth? We believe the answer is a resounding yes. Call us old-fashioned if you will, but we believe that the Bible has a lot more to say about successful relationships (directly and indirectly) than most people realize. And we have no problem accepting it as the ultimate authority and standard for all time. We don’t buy into moral relativism, and we hope you don’t either.

2. The Mystery of Relationships

The second attitude that often gets in the way of nonnegotiable laws of relationships is associated with the mysterious nature of relationships. Granted, there is a certain mystery and complexity to any type of relationship. There is something about love and attraction that is difficult to explain, and we readily agree that you can’t just reduce successful relationships down to simple logic. Often, there are deeper needs and unconscious drives that influence our choices of dating partners. The temptation that many face is to concede to the mystery of relationships, throwing up their hands, and hoping for the best. We believe that you can do better than that. While we cannot and do not guarantee 100 percent success through some simple formulas, we do believe you can improve your chances and help ensure a solid foundation for a good marriage in spite of the mystery. We also believe we have truth on our side—something that many feel-good, relationship experts cannot assert.

YOU’VE GOT NOTHING TO LOSE

We want to challenge you to seriously consider these laws. We suspect that much of your dating confusion can be eliminated if you simply keep these ten relational commandments. Remember, God gave Israel the Ten Commandments to show them how to live life. These ten are designed to show you how to succeed in your love life. Each chapter will spell out the benefits of keeping a commandment and consequences of breaking it. If you’ve already broken a few, don’t panic. You can follow the commandment and get back on track. It’s never too late.

Dating is one of the most important processes you will ever go through, and it potentially can lead to one of the most important decisions of your life. You can’t afford to ignore the laws in this book. This book is written from a Christian perspective. But you don’t have to be a Christian for these laws to work for you. They still reflect truth. Regardless of your beliefs, when you respect these laws, you will be better off. When you violate the laws, you will experience negative consequences. If you have already glanced at our ten commandments and feel it’s too late for you, relax. You are not alone. I wish I had a dollar (or ten) for every time someone has come up to us at one of our relationship conferences and said, I think I’ve already broken more than half (some more) of the commandments! And even more popular is, I wish I would have read this book years ago! Negative consequences from poor choices may remain, but the good news is, it’s never too late to start doing the right thing. Relationships will always be a mixed bag of joy and heartache, fun and serious work. Sure, dating is risky business—but doing it right is well worth the risk. We believe that if you keep these commandments, you will experience a greater depth of peace, love, and fulfillment in your own life and in your relationships. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose.

I.

commanDmenT one:

THou SHalt Get a LIFe

It’s 5:30 on a Friday afternoon, and you’ve just put in another forty-hour work week. You grab a Twinkie and a Coke and plop down on your couch with your laptop. Shuffling through the spam, you scroll past the eight Make Millions While Working from Home subject lines and suddenly smile at one from a familiar e-mail address. It’s an e-mail from your sweetheart of more than a year.

You double-click and dive into the e-mail. The words, "I don’t think we should see each other anymore" explode off the screen and fling themselves into your heart like pieces of hot shrapnel. This is a letter bomb, not a love note! Your heart sinks into your stomach as you realize that this person in whom you’ve invested so much time, energy, and emotion has just put an end to something you hoped would last forever. After you get over the initial shock, you check your voicemail to see if there is a message from your sweetheart about reconsidering—or at least something to ease the blow. Nothing. You feel deeply hurt, rejected, and all alone.

Several months pass and, for some strange reason, things aren’t getting any better. In fact, you are still stuck in the same emotional ditch you fell into the day you got the e-mail. As you continue to work through the pain, you replay the relationship in your head over and over. You ask yourself, What went wrong? Who’s to blame? Why did such a good thing go sour?

Finally, a startling truth begins to emerge, and you realize why this relationship fizzled: you simply did not have a life. This person was your life. Your entire self-worth was wrapped up in someone else. You now see how you had put your life on hold—your career, interests, friends, and even your relationship with God. Thus, you had little to give to the relationship. Since the relationship has ended, you have nothing to sustain you. Without your sweetheart, you have no life.

Sadly, we have witnessed far too many scenarios just like the above illustration. Thousands of singles booby-trap their relationship or never even begin them in the first place because they ignore this first and foundational love commandment: Thou Shalt Get a Life!

Years ago the woman of my (Ben’s) dreams dumped me twice within a six-week period. Although it felt like she had torn my heart right out of my rib cage, it turned out to be one of the most valuable experiences of my dating life. It was through that double dumping that I learned that the most important thing a person could bring to a relationship was a life. A real life! When you invest all your energy and self-esteem in getting a date or having a relationship, you don’t have a life.

People with lives are not sitting around waiting to be swept off their feet. People with lives do not make getting married their ultimate goal. People with lives do not always have to be in a relationship or on a date to feel good about themselves. People with lives are not church-hopping, barhopping, or consulting phone psychics in hopes of finding The One. Relationships and marriage are important goals (why else would you be reading this book?), but they must be kept in perspective. When romantic relationships become an obsession or they are elevated to prime importance, you’ve got a problem.

Here’s some sobering news: if you don’t have a life of your own, you won’t be happy even if you date, fall in love, and get married. Why? Because you will have nothing to give to the relationship, and you will drain your dating partner (or spouse) completely dry. Inevitably, you will put extraordinary expectations on the other to fulfill you, complete you, entertain you, and soothe you. No created thing—certainly no human—can perform up to those outlandish expectations. Only the Creator who made you can do that, and He made you to . . . get a life!

Before you ever