The Book of Romance: What Solomon Says About Love, Sex, and Intimacy

By Tommy Nelson

The Bible is well-known for its wisdom on spiritual concerns and righteous living. But did you know it can also guide you in matters of dating, courtship, and marriage?

Wise and engaging, The Book of Romance digs deep into the Song of Solomon and what it says about the Bible's most passionate lovers. As you learn about their relationship, you'll discover how you, too, can experience the deep emotional, sexual, and spiritual satisfaction that God created to be enjoyed in marriage.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media
• Release date: Oct 11, 1998
• ISBN: 9781418565558

Tommy Nelson

Tommy Nelson has served as the pastor of Denton Bible Church, located in Denton, Texas, since 1977. He is also a best-selling author (The Book of Romance, Better Love Now, A Life Well-Lived) and popular national marriage conference speaker. Nelson holds degrees in education and biblical studies and has been married to his wife Teresa for more than thirty years.

Book preview

The Book of

Romance

The Book of

Romance

What Solomon Says About Love, Sex, and Intimacy

Tommy

Nelson

BookofRomance_0003_001

© 1998 by Thomas H. Nelson

All rights reserved. Written permission must be secured from the publisher to use or reproduce any part of this book, except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles.

Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson. Thomas Nelson is a trademark of Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Thomas Nelson, Inc. titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, fundraising, or sales promotional use. For information, please email [e-mail].

Unless otherwise noted, the Bible version used in this publication is THE NEW KING JAMES VERSION. © 1979, 1980, 1982, Thomas Nelson, Inc., Publishers.

The Scripture quotation noted NASB is from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE ®. © The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977. Used by permission.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Nelson, Tommy.

       The book of romance: what Solomon says about love, sex, and intimacy / Tommy Nelson.

          p. cm.

       ISBN 10: 0-7852-7471-5 (hc)

       ISBN 13: 978-0-7852-7471-1(hc)

       ISBN 10: 0-7852-8898-8 (tp)

       ISBN 13: 978-0-7852-8898-5 (tp)

1. Bible. O.T. Song of Solomon—Criticism, interpretation, etc. 2. Sex in the Bible. 3. Marriage—Biblical teaching. I. Title.

BS1485.2.N45 1998

248.4—dc21

98-8503

CIP

Printed in the United States of America.

07 08 09 10 11 RRD 5 4 3 2 1

To

Herbert and LaVelle Nelson

Parents who made my growing-up years

happy, loved, peaceful, protected,

disciplined, and positively magic.

Teresa Jo Newman Nelson

The delight of my life and fulfillment

of my dreams—the Shulamite

who let me experience the book I teach.

Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction:

Does God Have Anything to Say About Love, Sex,

and Intimacy?

1. Who Are You Looking For?

2. The Person You Choose to Date

3. The Wonderful Period of Courtship

4. The Wedding God Desires for You to Have

5. The Honeymoon . . . at Last

6. Conflicts

7. The Resolution of Conflict

8. Moving to Deeper Levels

9. Faithful Commitment

Conclusion:

Fresh Beginnings Are Always Possible

Acknowledgments

Thanks to Doug and Carrie Hudson for their confidence and continued faithfulness.

To Jan Dargatz for her expertise, talent, and insights in aiding me in writing.

To the faithful saints of Denton Bible, who served as the initial people to receive the Word of God in the Song of Solomon.

To Dean and Barbara Hancock, who first encouraged me to put this in print.

To Richie and Carolyn Fletcher of Gruver, Texas, who have been continual sources of love, encouragement, guidance, and joy to me and my beloved.

Introduction

Does God Have

Anything to Say

About Love, Sex,

and Intimacy?

Several years ago I was driving down a major street in my city when I noticed one of the girls from our congregation walking on the sidewalk. Actually she was floating, almost gliding along the street as if carried by wings. She had euphoria written on her face. She was in this world, a real person, but she might as well have been a million miles away. And I knew the reason for all this—she was in love.

I called out to her from my car, asking her if she needed a ride. She answered, No, but thank you. I’ll just walk.

She was walking on a cloud, and she wanted to enjoy every step of the journey. I knew exactly how she felt. I’ve been there.

Several months later while I was preaching, I saw her sitting out in the congregation. Her demeanor shocked me so much that I had to pause in my message for a moment and regather my thoughts. After the service was over, I made my way to her. Her countenance was filled with bitterness, anger, hurt, pain, and grief.

I asked only a couple of questions, but her answers revealed volumes. She and her boyfriend had broken off their relationship, but not before they had fallen into immorality. Her heart was broken. She was sorry, guilt-stricken, angry at him, angry at herself, hurt that she had been deceived, and hurt that she had loved so deeply only to be disappointed and rejected. She felt utterly betrayed, not only by this young man, but also by life in general.

Have you ever experienced what this young woman experienced? Have you ever gone through tears and heartache in your relationship with a person you loved? Have you ever been wounded deep within your being by a sexual encounter?

For many young people I know, issues related to love, sex, and intimacy are a mystery. They almost feel as if the world has a secret about these things that they haven’t been told. Certainly they haven’t heard much about these issues in church. A sermon on sex? A Bible teaching on romance? A practical Sunday school lesson on love and dating?

I can almost see the smile on your face. But, Tommy, you are probably saying, the Bible doesn’t have anything to say on such matters! It has a lot of ‘thou shalt not’s’ but no ‘this is what thou shalt do’s’ when it comes to sex.

Ah, but you’re wrong. The Bible does have a great deal of practical and explicit teaching about love, sex, and intimacy. In fact, one entire book of the Bible is devoted to these very issues!

Do you really think that God would give His beloved creations, man and woman, the wonderful feeling we call romance, an institution as mysterious as marriage, and the marvelous passion we know in sexual intimacy and then not have anything to say about these gifts to us? Do you think God would allow men and women to marry and then toss them a grenade called intimacy and say to them, Well, just fiddle around a little with this and you’ll figure out how to work it? No, indeed not.

The same God who has given us everything pertaining to life and godliness, the same God who calls us to righteousness, holiness, and a life without compromise, the same God who forgives sin and guides those who seek wisdom, this same God is the foremost expert on your need for romance, your sex drive, and your future or current marriage. Based on what He knows about us and desires for us, He has provided an instruction manual so that we might truly live with the joy and intensity of satisfaction that He created us to experience.

That instruction manual of God is the book of the Bible titled the Song of Solomon or, perhaps in your version, the Song of Songs—eight power-packed, very explicit, and highly practical chapters on the topics of love, sex, and intimacy. Why haven’t I ever heard about this? you may ask.

For many people, the Song of Solomon is the mystery book of the Bible. Tucked among the books of the Bible in the section called the Wisdom Literature, the Song of Solomon has the distinction of being the only book of the Bible that seems to have been edited and censured by the Christian church. Most Christians don’t read it, don’t understand it, and have never heard a sermon from it.

Yet no message could be more needed today. The Song of Solomon is the book for this generation, in my opinion.

This book takes a specific couple and gives seven snapshots related to attraction, dating, courtship, sexuality, and marriage. In two of the chapters, we watch the couple fight and resolve their conflict. We see how their devotion deepens the longer they are married. We encounter the entire scope of their romantic and sexual relationship, from their first meeting to their passion within marriage. And all along the way, we see that there is something divine in their union. They both experience desire and passion, and yet their desire is always in the right context and timing. A passionate fire builds between them, and that fire is maintained throughout their relationship.

Don’t we all desire to love someone passionately, to be loved in return with the same intensity, and to see this love rekindled throughout the years? The heartening news of the Song of Solomon is that God desires for you to experience this kind of ecstasy and enjoy a long-lasting, satisfying love with a spouse.

But how detailed can God be in a book of the Bible? you may wonder.

Very detailed. Very graphic. In fact, downright steamy at times. I once taught this book at the Theta Chi fraternity house at the University of North Texas, and as I began to describe the details in one particular passage, one of the guys on the front row looked down at the open book on his lap, then very slowly closed the book just to make sure that it still said Holy Bible on the cover!

The material in the Song of Solomon is more detailed, more challenging, and more exciting than any marriage conference I’ve ever attended. I’ve never found a guide to love, romance, and sex that is any more profound or any more applicable to real life.

A young man once asked me, Well, how much can you trust a book that has been written by a guy who had seven hundred wives?

My answer was simple. Hey, who should know better?

It is very often the person who has been on the opposite side of good who knows the most about good. If you want a songwriter who can tell you how best to praise and worship a merciful and faithful God, who better to get than a guy like David who committed murder and adultery and yet still knew the mercy and forgiveness of God? If you want a teacher who can tell you about the shortcomings of the law compared to God’s grace, who better to get than a guy like Paul who helped kill the first Christian martyr and harshly persecuted the church, only to be saved by grace and transformed by the power of God’s indwelling presence? If you want a person who knows the most about purity of love, sacrificial love, and lasting love, who better to consult than a guy like Solomon? The song that he gave us is about a holy love, one that is distinct and exclusive from all others in the lives of the two people involved. It is a song about a young woman from a lowly place who fell in love with a prince, and he in turn with her. It is a song about the very essence of a passionate and committed relationship.

There is no other book like it. And there is no more important book for you to read and understand if you have any interest whatsoever in what God thinks about love, sex, and intimacy!

One

Who Are You

Looking For?

Song of Solomon 1:1–8

Asignificant number of international students attend the University of North Texas, which is located in the town where I pastor a church. Through the years, my wife and I have had the opportunity to become acquainted with many international students. We do our best to make them feel at home in our city, explain our culture and customs to them and, as opportunities arise, share with them the gospel of Jesus Christ. As best we can, we answer their questions about the way Americans live and Christians worship.

Several of these international students have registered outright shock at the barbaric practice we seem to have of young people choosing marriage partners on the basis of whom they like or love. In their cultures, parents do the choosing based upon rather objective and rigid standards. No young person would be trusted to make a wise decision about something so important as a lifelong mate!

They ask, Why do these young people think they can make a wise choice about marriage when they haven’t been married? Why do they think they are able to choose their own mates when they don’t even know who they are themselves, much less who they will become? Why don’t they trust their parents, who understand something about marriage and know that beauty is deceitful and charm is in vain?

In their cultures, a marriage partner is chosen by mature adults based upon the character and virtue of both the individual and the individual’s family. A match based upon character and virtue becomes the foundation on which romance is expected to grow over time.

These foreign students have a point, in my opinion. For the most part, their cultures have a better track record on enduring marriages than our culture has.

In our culture we too often become consumed with the heady emotion called romance, and very quickly after marriage, we find that the romance evaporates to reveal two very flawed persons in a difficult world. When we discover that the bright and happy romance has devolved into the drudgery of daily living, and much to our dismay, we discover that our spouses have a shortage of character and virtue, we become discouraged and deeply frustrated, and we too often become divorced before the ink on the marriage license has dried. We are a nation of people quick to fall into romance, and then later, quick to bail out of commitment. What’s wrong about our system of dating and marriage?

The same thing that is so exciting about it: it is based on physical attraction.

TO WHAT ARE YOU ATTRACTED?

Before we get too deep in our look at attraction, let’s establish one point: attraction is both permissible and desirable. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to a person. If men were never attracted to women, or women to men, the human race wouldn’t continue.

Attraction, especially in our culture, is the first stage of any developing relationship—not only in love, but also in virtually any relationship that is formed once we are adults. If we don’t perceive a certain chemistry of being able to get along with another person, we are very unlikely to pursue a relationship long enough to develop a friendship or an ongoing business partnership, much less a marriage.

Attraction is two-tiered, however, and we need to be aware of both tiers before we move beyond attraction into the next phase of a romantic relationship.

Tier One: The Physical (Outward)

The first level of attraction that most people experience is physical attraction. When we like what we see, we tend to want to see more of what we like. Physical attraction goes beyond sight; it encompasses all of the senses. We are attracted by a person’s voice and laughter, fragrance and cleanliness, and touch or closeness. If any aspect of the physical is a turnoff to us, there is little chance of a relationship developing, at least on the basis of that encounter.

In the opening verses of the Song of Solomon, we find physical attraction at work: The song of songs, which is Solomon’s. Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is better than wine (Song 1:1–2). The woman was immediately and strongly attracted to Solomon. She found him utterly intoxicating, even more so than wine. She wanted to kiss him. Believe me, I’ve encouraged my wife to memorize these verses in six different versions of the Bible. I want her to think of me in this way always!

The song continues, Because of the fragrance of your good ointments, your name is ointment poured forth; therefore the virgins love you (Song 1:3). In Solomon’s day, men rarely bathed. They used scented oils and ointments on their bodies, both to keep their skin from drying out in the desert climate of the Middle East and to give a pleasing fragrance to their bodies. We do the same today with our aftershave lotions, colognes, and scented deodorants. There is attraction in fragrance, and the woman was openly complimenting the object of her attraction. She might as well have said, Hey, you’re a good-looking man, very attractive and appealing to me.

But notice another part of that same verse: Your name is ointment poured forth. Here is the real key to godly attraction. The woman was attracted to the man physically and spiritually. She was attracted to his reputation for godliness.

Tier Two: Character and Spirituality (Inward)

The second tier of attraction, much more important than the physical, is based on inner qualities—character and one’s spiritual relationship with God. In physical attraction, all of the magnets that draw us to another person are external, readily perceived on the outside. We don’t have to think about being physically attracted to another person. We automatically feel drawn to the person. Our response is based largely on intuition and feeling.

In character attraction, however, what draws us to another person is rooted deep on the inside. These signs are more difficult to read and understand at times. We may not automatically feel quickly drawn emotionally to a person of good character. Look at what attracted this woman.

Your name is ointment poured forth, said the woman. This statement has been translated in some versions as, Your name is like purified oil.

What does your name mean?

It is a direct reference to Solomon’s character, virtue, and integrity—all of which flowed from his relationship with God. Purified oil is the first pressing of oil from the olive trees that covered the hills surrounding Jerusalem, where

Solomon lived. The first pressing of oil—the extra virgin olive oil, the purest of the pure—was the oil used in the lampstand that burned day and night in the temple. The first pressing of any olive harvest went for temple use only. That was the firstfruits offering from the olive groves; it was designated solely for the worship of the Lord. Purified oil, therefore, was the best, but even beyond the best, it was the best given to God.

That’s what the woman saw and liked as much as she admired and was attracted to Solomon’s physical presence. She responded at a deep level to the fact that the man who stood before her was a godly man with a good reputation. His name was holy. One’s name entails all of one’s reputation and character. It is what the person really is. Solomon was a man of integrity to the woman. She stated plainly, "Therefore the virgins