Overliked: Finding Direction, Courage, and Meaningful Relationships in a Society Crippled by Social Media

By Rob Singleton and Lysa TerKeurst

Wall Street Journal and USA Bestseller

How to Connect with What’s Most Important in a Hyperconnected World 

Social media has the power to do a lot of good, but it can also get in the way of authenticity and create a sense of disillusionment. In Overliked, pastor and author Rob Singleton asks readers to take a closer look at the optics in their lives and in the world around them. This is a book about understanding how to see “likes” and “selfie” culture for what they really are and how to connect with the heart of God to build out a new way of thinking about social image. 

We have technology and social tools all at our disposal, but when we recognize that so many in our culture now look for acceptance in how they’re perceived, feel pressure to project something about themselves that isn’t true, or take action based on facts that have been spun, that’s a problem that runs deep. Singleton shows readers how to find their way through the complexities by pointing them to God, who created truth, genuine love, and meaningful relationships. Written for those who believe—for this generation and the next—that they need to get a better handle on what’s real in this culture and in the lives of those they care about, this book brings authenticity and hope to the center of it all.

Singleton offers powerful insights into how we can better leverage the information in the world around us without losing who we are. When we begin to see the real us behind the avatars, we gain the clarity we need to live better, love bigger, and become who we were always meant to be.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Greenleaf Book Group
• Release date: Apr 27, 2021
• ISBN: 9781626347601

Book preview

Praise for Overliked

"Overliked by Rob Singleton is a tome for such a time as this. It’s so easy to get our self-esteem and self-worth tied to likes and numbers. Through Pastor Rob’s book, we learn how frivolous and fake it can all be and ultimately, how it can lead to a miserable and unfulfilled life if left unchecked. The tools, scriptures, and takeaways that Pastor Rob provides gently guide us to live a more authentic life. Overliked shows us that when we pretend to be perfect, the only person we are hurting is ourselves. But we find that our weaknesses become our strengths to help us touch, encourage, and heal others, not just impress them. Thank you for this very needed and essential book that helps us realize that being real is the only way to have a true connection with our Lord and our friends and family. This book is an important message for developing authenticity in our lives, which is far more critical than adding strangers, getting fake followers, and creating a heavily filtered life experience. I promise you will really ‘LIKE’ it."

—Kym Douglas, television personality, lifestyle expert, and author

"Relevant Communicator—Contemporary Prophet—Radical Evangelist— These are three apt descriptions that come to mind when I think about my good friend Rob Singleton whom I have known over the last twentyfive years beginning while we were doing Young Life in Dallas during our seminary days. Like a cultural surgeon, Rob exposes and examines the counterfeit culture of contemporary technology, which reveals that our hearts and souls are at risk. The very technology that we love so much and is attached to everything we do, cannot and does not deliver on its promises. It leaves all of us empty and desirous of more. Without condemning the technology, Overliked will help you navigate a new way forward that anchors the soul in genuine and lasting relationships—the kind of relationship that is only found in Jesus. Thank you, Rob, for rewiring and rebooting our heart to what truly matters and what truly lasts!"

—Ernie Frey, pastor and disciple-making missionary in Africa

There is no man I respect more than Rob Singleton. When I was at the lowest and darkest point of my life, He was the truest friend, most available mentor, and the most epic prayer warrior. I think God had Rob on assignment to help open my eyes and bring me back. He reminded me that people need to return to being true, sacrificial, authentic friends and family and stop putting so much emphasis on being people pleasers. And I imagine, Rob is now on assignment for you. What you’ll find in the pages of this book will be life lessons and transformative wisdom that will stick with you for a lifetime.

—Art TerKeurst, Chick-fil-A owner/operator

Pastor Rob Singleton dares to dive deep into a painful addiction many in our culture drift into . . . getting trapped by the optics. It starts with social media ‘likes’ and runs rampant though our lives if we don’t address it. As a widow, I have often stood apart from the crowd. How grateful I was for Pastor Rob’s example. My four boys witnessed firsthand Pastor Rob’s integrity through the tough experiences he talks about in this book. Let him lead you, as he often leads us. This fresh look at Scripture guides you out of fear of what others think and into the light of God’s Truth. A must-read for finding God-centered fulfillment in an optics-driven world.

—Kitty Hinkle, founder of A Widow’s Might Christian ministry

"Rob and I met in the early 2000s when social media was somewhat of a new and untested phenomenon. Podcasts were just becoming a thing. Church planters were popping up everywhere. And the sudden rise of platforms like Facebook and Twitter were making celebrities out of Christian leaders. But I got to know personally Rob and his heart for people as I spent time preaching for him at his church, and also eating meals around the table in his home with his family. Rob loves the Bible, and Rob loves the gospel—and that is why I trust him as a friend and brother. What he brings to us in this book is experience: decades of ministry, of pastoral care, of wisdom won in the trenches. Rob points out the deficiencies and dangers in living life virtually and the need we all have for true friendships with actual people, to know and be known by God and others. You will like Overliked, but more importantly, your soul will connect with the message in these pages."

—Clayton King, author of Reborn and Stronger, teaching pastor at Newspring Church, founder of Crossroads Camps and Conferences

"Wow! Talk about hitting you right between the eyes. Overliked spoke directly to me. I could see myself in the pages and stories that Pastor Rob shares. How many times have I gone back to the pictures I’ve posted for a like count update and to see what people had to say? Overliked drives home how our society has turned to social media platforms for the attention we so desire from one another and just how ineffective social media is to have true, deep, and meaningful relationships. It also speaks to how we need the one true relationship with God."

—Travis Jones, Dream Team Leader at The Summit Church

I lived most of my life seeking approval from the world through money and status, until the only people who liked me were people money could buy. I was on a road straight to hell, fighting addiction and living in chaos, until four years ago when Jesus rescued me. He cast out my fear of never being enough. Pastor Rob Singleton shows us in this book how ‘likes’ from the world can’t compare to the true love of Jesus Christ.

—Jason McCool, founder and chairman of Executive Coating and Contracting

Pastor Rob is a true example of how to live full out and all in love for God. His unapologetic approach to Truth shines in his storytelling. I have heard these stories before and lived several with him, but his ability to thread them together to ignite action through his testimony is what keeps me smiling to read on. His insights, honesty, and humor are a great recipe for self-reflection. While I have never been much of social media guy, I can say that I have been deep in the pool of social positioning—big house, expensive cars, outspoken comments of ‘Where’ and ‘What’ I have been doing and with ‘Whom.’ I was amazed and drawn in by the facts of it all, or should I say, ‘What is real?’ or better yet, not real. Thank you, Pastor Rob. Your commitment to help others is your testimony, brother. Keep Going!

—John Vasquez, CEO, Zivaro Holdings, Inc.

Published by Greenleaf Book Group Press

Austin, Texas

www.gbgpress.com

Copyright ©2021 Rob Singleton

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Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation. © 1996, 2004, 2007. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

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Scripture taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

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Print ISBN: 978-1-62634-759-5

eBook ISBN: 978-1-62634-760-1

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Printed in the United States of America on acid-free paper

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First Edition

This book is dedicated to my best friend and partner in crime of over 25 years, my wife, Michelle. Thank you for helping me work through these thoughts and convictions for the last five years and for pressing hard to get this message out!

I also want to dedicate it to my son, Nate, and daughter, Juliana. You both grew up in the middle of the social media tsunami and have learned the good, bad, and ugly from a Gen Z perspective that was much needed. Thank you for your patience with dear old dad!

Contents

Foreword by Lysa TerKeurst

Read First

Read This Too

  1. What Is Real?

  2. What Are Optics? Kind of a Big Deal

  3. Optics and Opposite Day

  4. Likes vs. Love

  5. Almost a Superhero

  6. Real Love and Authentic Friendship

  7. Love, Kryptonite, and Snowballs

  8. The Love Test

  9. Love in the Valleys and Caves

10. Superheroes and Sacrifice

Acknowledgments

Notes

About the Author

Foreword

We are more connected than ever with what others are doing. But we are more disconnected than ever with how others are doing. We see people, but we don’t know people. We observe how they fill their lives, but we are oblivious how empty they might really be. We assume their bright, beautiful pictures mean they have a bright, beautiful life.

And yet, we’ve all been shocked when a very dark post leaks a very different story into someone’s feed. A sudden divorce. A suicide we can’t believe. An addiction we can’t wrap our minds around. A sharp turn away from their long-held beliefs. A resignation announcing they will be stepping down and stepping away from showing up in your life as they have for years.

The shock of one of those posts gives all who follow them a whiplash emotional experience where we shake our heads and wonder what the real story is and talk about it for a couple of days until a new news story gives us something else to think and talk about. Then we keep scrolling. We just move on. And never quite realize that post should have been a wake-up call to stop simply clicking like and instead love people better. To stop just seeing people, observing their lives, and making assumptions. To stop the insanity of following them when they give us what we want but then unfollowing them when they reveal a need or flaw, or how very human their hurting heart really is.

I guess I’m extra sensitive to this because when my marriage blew apart, I watched people shake their heads, wonder what the real story was, and talk about my family as if we were plastic people void of the ability to feel the weight of crushing judgments and stabbing assumptions. I also watched many people quietly disengage from our lives, our problems, because it was easier to walk away than risk some of the mud of our mess getting on them.

I don’t fault any of them.

It’s hard to deal with our own messes, much less dare to try to help others in theirs. Plus, I’m sure most people assumed we had plenty of help and weren’t sure what they could do anyhow.

But the people who did dare to get involved in a loving, kind, understanding way? They saved my life. They helped save my family. And I will never ever be able to thank them enough for daring to go where so few others did.

Rob Singleton is one of those people.

I can’t explain to you why Rob did what he did or got involved on the level that he did except to say that he loves Jesus with his whole being and made the choice to heed the call to help us. He didn’t keep scrolling past our announcement. He found our phone numbers. He took the risk to call. He dared to listen without making assumptions or judgments or picking sides. He never once uttered, Well, you know there’s always two sides to stories like these—as if a family falling apart is some sort of spectator sport where you choose a side and cheer for the opposing side to lose.

And he didn’t just call once. He kept calling. He kept praying. He kept asking God how he could help. He kept saying yes in whatever way God told him to show up for us. He kept investing time and money—neither of which he had in abundance. And he never stopped during the entire two and a half years my family and I crawled through a tunnel of chaos so dark and so long I wasn’t sure I was going to live to see if there really could be light at the end of this tunnel.

As I’ve looked back on what Rob did, I’ve often wished he could write a book about what made him stop scrolling and start deeply investing the way he did. How did he change the optics on our situation and start seeing a hope we couldn’t even see for ourselves? How did he find the motivation to keep believing, keep reaching out, and keep pressing in to help a family with whom he had no blood relationship at all? How did he escape the like mentality of social media to truly love people as God wants us all to do?

And I guess the biggest question of all, how can I be more of a Rob in other people’s stories? Granted, we can’t be deeply invested in every person’s life we follow on social media. But what if we dared to ask God to show us some people who need us to go beyond just liking a post and scrolling on? And what if we stopped believing the lie that there are plenty of others helping them and just found the courage to start somewhere with helping them? And what if God uses us as he used Rob in our lives?

I can’t speak for others, but I can tell you what Rob’s investment meant to us. Though we had every strike against us and very few people thought we’d make it, we did. Today, I looked across our front yard and watched my husband playing with my three grand-kids. He was laughing. He was healthy. He was engaged and truly happy to be with these little people climbing all over him and begging him to throw them in the air one more time.

Then Art smiled over at me.

That smile was worth more to me than all the money in the world. It said, You are safe, Lysa. We are safe. So, I snapped a picture. It’s not one I’ll ever post on Instagram. After all, it’s far too priceless to let the world decide whether or not to like it. It’s just for me and Art. And I’ll probably also frame it and send it to Rob with a note of thanks to the man who decided truly loving people is so much more of a worthy pursuit then simply clicking like.

Thank you for being so brave, Rob. May we all seek to be a little more like the Jesus in you.

—Lysa TerKeurst

Read First

I don’t make friends that easily. I want to. I actually love making friends. Relationships are at the heart of everything that I do. But I’m no Dale Carnegie, so this book isn’t subtitled How to Win Friends and Influence People. Nevertheless, I am passionate about people. So when social media came along, I was an early adopter. I saw it as a possible shortcut to connect with people without having to worry about whether I had a subconscious smirk on my face, lettuce in my teeth, or one of those resting _itch faces alluded to so often in social media. More conversations? Sign me up! The minute a shiny new social media innovation flew by, I grabbed it. And I confess: it was fun to watch my lists of friends grow exponentially. Take THAT, mocking trolls! So I wholeheartedly embraced the new, expanded world of friends and followers. It’s amazing, right?

Let’s face it—technology is enjoyable. I’d never want to go back to Downton Abbey days, nor do I believe our tech advances are ushering in a dystopian Mad Max future. We’re somewhere between those two. It’s a great time to be alive. At what other time in world history could you become proficient at something without getting out of your pajamas?

We can connect with people all over the planet. We can share our thoughts, goals, ideas, and feelings on every subject with everyone, anytime we want. And we can get feedback in real time, all the time . . . whether we want it or not.

I love what we can do with technology. But . . .

Some of us are starting to sense that something is wrong, even if we can’t pinpoint what it is.

Yes, it’s great to be alive today. Yet, it can feel fake to be alive today. Sometimes that virtual connectedness can leave us feeling completely disconnected and alone.

I found out the hard way how relationships with friends and followers can get very sideways, very fast.

My friends and followers story started with eight people in my living room. We were a group of people who cared deeply for each other and shared a dream of bringing love to our city.

Over the next few years, my family and our closest friends built a large church. At the core of that church was Jesus Christ and a web of closely connected relationships and friendships. Our love for each other spilled over into our city. I’d had a chaotic childhood littered with broken friendships and instability, so this experience was completely new for me. It felt like what connection was meant to be.

I officiated at weddings, blessed babies, buried parents. I talked with folks for thousands of hours, listening to their deepest concerns and hurts. I loved helping them. My family shoveled dirt, dug ditches, painted walls, and served all sorts of people. As a group, we worked in relief efforts after catastrophes like Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans and the earthquake in Haiti. It was the most satisfying thing my wife and I had ever done. We loved the people we worked with—the people we served—and they loved us back.

For 17 years, these folks encouraged me, letting me know that I gave them insight and perspective on a weekly basis. They said we helped them live better and more spiritual lives. Those words always astonished and humbled me. Their friendship enriched my life. And isn’t that what we all want? To be needed, appreciated, and loved? To be a part of