Secrets of Smart Love

By Francis Tuffour

Do you want to be a smart partner in your relationship? Do you want to prevent terrible relationship mistakes? Why are you going to marry that person? Why do you often fight in the relationship? Are you the only one calling and texting to keep in touch? Secrets of Smart Love answers such questions and more.
Secrets of Smart Love gives tips, advice, and guidelines on what singles should know before beginning a relationship. The book reveals how you can identify an unhealthy relationship and common dating mistakes you need to avoid. This book gives insight into what love is, it also discusses lust, companionship, sexual temptations, and how to overcome them. The principles in the book will help singles to have a healthy relationship that will prepare them to build a solid foundation for their marriages.

You’ll learn:

-How to make the right choices before and during a relationship
- Ten love mistakes people make before marriage
-How to begin a new relationship
-Love mistakes people make on social media
-Why people choose partners unwisely
-How to know if that person is right for you
-What to do if you love someone who doesn’t love you
-Money and love
-Better Than Nothing (BTN) relationship
-Signs of an unhealthy relationship
-How to deal with a toxic relationship
-What do with a time-waster
-Relationship killers
-How to manage when you go through hard times in a relationship
-What you need to know before marriage
-Importance of marriage preparation
-Secrets of choosing a marriage partner
-Wedding
-Sex before marriage
-Sex mistakes singles make
-How to overcome sexual temptations
-What kissing can do in a premarital relationship
-Love
-Intimacy
-How to deal with a breakup
-How to break up respectfully
-What to do when your ex wants you back
-How to build and protect your relationship
-How to deal with loneliness
-Dealing with a cheating partner
-Conflict management
Secrets of Smart Love will give you the needed information to build a solid foundation for your relationship, how to nurture love and deepen intimacy.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Francis Tuffour
• Release date: Oct 4, 2019
• ISBN: 9780463765999

Book preview

DEDICATION

To the singles who inspired, challenged, and encouraged me to continue to offer them relationship education.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

My beloved wife, Doris, has been an inspiration. She exemplifies love, and I see various relationship issues from women’s perspectives through her. She reads what I write and offers her constructive feedback sometimes. She has been very supportive in my graduate studies on relationships, radio programs, and seminars on love and relationships. And to my children, Adwoa, Kwesi, Lisa, and Kwame.

My friend, Stella, in the Netherlands and my social media fans who encouraged me.

Above all, God has been gracious and merciful by giving me the strength, wisdom, passion, and understanding to provide guidance for those who need this book.

INTRODUCTION

It is easy to find many sermons, seminars, books, and counseling sessions on marriage. These efforts are good. However, sometimes I think these are a fire department approach in dealing with modern-day marriage problems. There is an adage that says, prevention is better than cure. It is crucial to help those who are yet to enter into marriage to reflect, understand, and learn some critical areas in their premarital relationships before they decide on marriage. Before the wedding, those who are dating or will date in future need guidance on their current situations. They need advice on what love is, how to choose their marriage partners, common pitfalls before marriage, and how they should deal with challenges of a relationship.

My motivation to write this book began when I started my relationship education page on social media platforms. The singles who follow my pages kept asking for guidance to improve their relationships or to solve problems. Their questions and reactions motivated me to do further research. Here is a sample of the sort of questions they ask me: I am torn between two lovers; how can I choose the ideal one? How can I know if it is love or lust? How do we resolve our conflicts? How far is too far when I am in a relationship with my partner? What is love? How do I deal with a breakup? My partner is cheating; what should I do? I am interested in someone; how do I let them know? What should I do when my ex wants me back? How do I restore trust after it’s broken?

I am so interested in the issues affecting premarital relationships that I chose singles and marriage preparation as my doctoral dissertation area of study. In this book, I offer practical suggestions for people who read it. It will help all singles, those who are in premarital relationships, pastors, church leaders, and Christian counselors who help singles. I believe that singles need guidance before marriage. This book offers Christian principles that will assist them in making the right choices so that they do not love blindly. I want them to become smart lovers.

May God bless and guide you as you read this book.

Chapter One

A NEW RELATIONSHIP

MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICES BEFORE AND DURING A RELATIONSHIP

It is easier to make a choice than to deal with its consequences. The results of your choice, like pregnancy, could be hidden for some time, but not forever.

One of the most significant choices people make in their lives is the person they date or marry. Deepak Chopra noted, When you make a choice, you change the future. The person who becomes your partner today can change your tomorrow. Whether this change is going to be positive or negative, only God knows. Choosing is a spiral process. It’s not a one-time exercise. You will see that even after you have chosen a partner, you need to make significant choices in the relationship. You won’t ever graduate from choosing. You need to choose whether to spend your life with this person, whether to have premarital sex or wait until marriage, whether to remain faithful or cheat, when to have children in marriage, and what type of career or educational development to pursue.

Remember what Craig D. Lounsbrough said about making essential choices: I can arrogantly brag that the doors I choose in life open wide and grant me unobstructed passage, but the widest doors tend to lead to the worst places. Not all doors will lead you to the right places. While some choices you make can make you happy, others may make you weep. We are feeble humans who often make unwise decisions. God is willing and ready to guide us to make the right choice if we consult Him today. Don’t let your emotions deceive you. Let God be God. He is all-knowing (omniscient).

Lounsbrough wrote: Most of my failures can be ascribed to the fact that I chose that which was ‘easy’ over that which was ‘right.’ And while it’s ‘right’ to admit this to myself, it isn’t ‘easy.’ So, which choice am I going to make this time? The painful past experiences regarding choices point to the right things that need to be done today.

What choice are you going to make today about your relationship? Are you standing on the altar of your feelings to choose? Have you prayed?

10 Love Mistakes People Make Before Marriage

Sometimes people in love close their eyes and ears, and open their hearts too fast and wide before marriage. They become romantically involved with their partners to the extent that they do not see anything wrong with their relationships. Even if they do, they have this false hope that if they get into marriage, things will change and everything will be all right. They are cautious in choosing schools, careers, religious organizations, and other things. However, when it comes to love leading to marriage, they commit common mistakes that can be avoided. These are the mistakes you need to know about:

Choosing or dating somebody you do not love. Most people are in such relationships because of benefits other than love. Never be involved in such a relationship because you will regret it later. Don’t waste the person’s time; be honest. A premarital relationship is not a marriage. You can bow out if you don’t love your partner.

Choosing or dating a partner who does not love you.You can love the person because Christian principles demand that we love all people unconditionally, but it is dangerous to marry a partner who does not love you in a premarital relationship.

Being a lover pleaser. There is nothing wrong with doing your best as a Christian to make the person you are going to marry happy. However, there is something wrong with wanting to please him or her all the time and doing whatever he or she asks you, whether good or bad. The I have to do this to show I care mentality has led many innocent people astray. Do this at your own peril.

Confusing sex with love. It is a lie and a double mistake to assume that your partner loves you because the person is having sex with you or wants to have sex with you. Sex should not be equated with love. There are several reasons why people have sex with others. In a study published by University of Texas in 2007, 400 students and volunteers were asked why they had sex. Here is the list of the first 20 reasons: 1. I was ‘‘in the heat of the moment. 2. It just happened. 3. I was bored. 4. It just seemed like ‘the thing to do.’ 5. Someone dared me. 6. I desired emotional closeness (i.e. intimacy). 7. I wanted to feel closer to God. 8. I wanted to gain acceptance from my friends. 9. It’s exciting, adventurous. 10. I wanted to make up after a fight. 11. I wanted to get rid of aggression. 12. I was under the influence of drugs. 13. I wanted to have something to tell my friends. 14. I wanted to express my love for the person. 15. I wanted to experience the physical pleasure. 16. I wanted to show my affection to the person. 17. I felt like I owed it to the person. 18. I was attracted to the person. 19. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release. 20. My friends were having sex and I wanted to fit in." These reasons may seem funny and interesting, but they gave their candid opinions. Saving sex for marriage is the best divine rule.

Making your feelings decide for you. If it is your motto that love is blind, then it is likely that you will overlook all the bad habits in your partner and fall for the person. In a relationship, you need to weigh issues, make assessments, and evaluate all the actions and reactions between you and your partner. Those who are blinded by love fall down. In making any decision, never be a sprinter in love, with a speed mentality prior to marriage. Instead, be a marathoner. Reflect slowly and make a decision that will help your life-long marriage.

Thinking that there is only one person out there for you. Some people think that there is only one person that they can marry, and if their love for the person is not returned, then there is no other option for them. It’s unfortunate to have that notion. Even if you are disappointed in love, you can always meet someone else. Some people act as if they will die if they don’t marry that particular person. If they fail to make the proper considerations and go on to marry the person, their behavior becomes reversed. They then act as if they will die if they remain in that marriage. This reminds me of my roots in Africa. In my town, there was just one bus that could transport people to the big city. If you missed that bus, there was no other option for you. In counseling, I sometimes see people behave like people waiting to board that bus in my hometown. Marriage is not like a single bus in town. There are many buses, and some are better than others.

Comparing your partner with other people’s partners. The grass will always look greener if you look from a distance, but when you get there, you won’t see it the same way, so don’t compare.

Keeping a chain of relationships with two or more partners at the same time. This leads to unfaithfulness in the relationship. That is why a lot of people are torn between two partners, and some are torn between multiple lovers.

Always discussing your past relationship with your current partner. This raises a lot of questions and it breeds jealousy. Allow buried relationships to remain in their graves. Ask yourself, do you like it if your partner does that to you? If not, know that he or she may not be interested in the resurrection of that past relationship.

Master-slave relationship. One’s social status, education, looks, age, or wealth should not make him or her superior to the partner who lacks it. The couple should see themselves as a king and a queen or a prince and princess. When they see themselves as equals, it makes the relationship stable and brings respect for each other.

Why don’t you weigh your relationship today and see if you find these mistakes? Work to eliminate them and develop a healthy relationship before marriage.

HOW TO BEGIN A NEW RELATIONSHIP

I have received messages from people asking me how they should approach a new relationship. Some girls also ask me, How can I let a guy know I am interested in him? People sometimes become nervous about how to begin a new relationship without stress. Let’s face it; some people feel shy about expressing love. Some hope the right one will come. Others take the initiative and begin the talk. Benjamin Franklin’s words are still true today: If you would be loved, love, and be loveable. Love is sweet; everybody needs it. If you need that person to show love to you, then give that same love to the person. Dr. Kay Kuzma gave some winning tips that help people grow relationships in her book, Serious About Love. She shared:

Be friendly: Her advice is, even if you are shy, you need to try to overcome it. Since many relationships begin at this level, you need to develop your friendship skills, which can be as easy as saying hello, waving, smiling, or saying something nice to the person who is close to you. Her warning is, if the other person ignores you, you don’t have to continue chasing that person.

Be positive: People are going to distance themselves from you if you are full of negative thoughts. Being positive includes not being too critical of people or gossiping. People love those who are positive. They want inspiration, not intimidation, blessings, not burdens, those who see the glass as half-full, not half-empty. Your words can drive others away from you.

Be a good communicator: Some people don’t know how to talk. Let what comes through your mouth be what can build, not what breaks. Her advice is not to talk about yourself unless the person asks you. I think you don’t have to bore the person with unnecessary stuff. Dale Carnegie was right when he said, The royal road to a man’s heart is to talk to him about the things he treasures most. Keep the conversation on a safe level. Avoid any controversial issues that can lead to arguments. Talking about what interests the person is helpful, but my advice is that it should be something you are comfortable with as well.

Do your best anywhere you go: The first impression counts. Whatever you do in life, do your best. Those around you will notice. One of my favorite Bible verses is Proverbs 22:29: Do you see someone skilled in their work? They will serve before kings; they will not serve before officials of low rank.

Go places where you’ll meet the right kind of people: You have an idea of the person you like. Dr. Kuzma noted that if the person has an appropriate social activity that they like, you can do it with him or her. If you share the same faith, you can visit his or her church or go on the same mission trip.

Be interesting, do interesting things, go to interesting places: Avoid boredom and monotony. Going out, being interesting, and going to interesting places leads you to like-minded people. Let me add that this does not mean you have to do it at all costs, even if it undermines your religious or personal values. If your religion does not allow you to go to nightclubs or bars, don’t go there. The places you go determine the type of people you meet.

Talent Development: You don’t have to stop your education, career, or training to search everywhere for a mate. Remember that everywhere you are is also a potential place to meet a new loving partner. Others are watching you, even if you don’t know it. Keep developing your talent as you look for the love of your life.

Volunteer: Give your time to support people and worthy causes; it increases your chances of meeting a new person. People love those who are unselfish.

Be Yourself: Dr. Kuzma wrote, Be confident and secure about who you are. Men are not attracted to girls who kiss up to them, who make weak plays for affection, or complain to have what they want. And women aren’t interested in wise guys who talk like they know it all, cool dudes who show off their sports car and brag about who they know, or Romeos who act like they’re God’s gifts to girls. Be real. Don’t play games. You want someone to like you for who you are, not for someone you’re trying to be.

My last tip for you as you begin your search for love is bring out the best you see in others and tell them. Be honest, loving, and warm. Audrey Hepburn said, For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.

THE FEAR OF I LOVE YOU

One of the challenges people face in a new relationship is how to initiate contact with people they love. The fear of rejection or embarrassment keeps people from expressing interest or approaching potential partners.

Saying I love you is like dropping an atomic bomb. It puts fear in some people. It makes them feel uncomfortable. It gives them sleepless nights. Their hearts beat faster when they want to break the news. Some guys normally talk like parrots, but they become tongue-tied when they meet the ladies they love. They do not gather the courage