Leave Dating Behind: A Road Map to Marriage

By Christina Rogers

Have you felt the heartbreak of modern relationships? Have you watched marriages fall apart? Have you wondered if there is any hope? Christian young people usually understand the ideal destination in a relationship, but they have no idea how to get there. This book paves the road and breaths life into a God-honoring relationship, by offering a romantic biblical alternative to dating. NOT another sermon, a formula, or simply a story, Leave Dating Behind is written by someone young who has been there. Christina Rogers chose to reevaluate modern relationships and implemented a biblical philosophy within her own courtship. Despite unbelievable struggles, including her parent’s divorce, Christina and her husband Sheldon shared their first kiss on their wedding day, and demonstrate inspiring proof that God’s way works. Leave Dating Behind, describes the flaws of typical dating, tackles courting misconceptions, and presents the four necessary principles of a godly relationship. These principles, Commitment, Accountability, Rejection of the world’s dating philosophy and Establishing physical boundaries (CARE) can easily be incorporated into all relationships. Readers will be encouraged through this application-based view of courtship that no matter their background or personal situation, following God’s road is the only answer to decades of heartbreak and regrets.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ambassador International
• Release date: Nov 22, 2016
• ISBN: 9781620205945

Book preview

leave dating behind:

a road map to marriage

© 2008 Christina Rogers

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording or any other—except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without prior permission of the publisher.

Printed in the United States of America

Cover design & page layout by David Siglin of A&E Media

ISBN: 978-1-932307-81-8

EISBN: 978-1-62020-594-5

Published by the Ambassador Group

AMBASSADOR INTERNATIONAL

427 Wade Hampton Blvd.

Greenville, SC 29609 USA

www.ambassador-international.com

AMBASSADOR PUBLICATIONS LTD.

Providence House, Ardenlee Street,

Belfast BT6 8QJ, Northern Ireland

www.ambassador-productions.com

The colophon is a trademark of Ambassador International

Author photo by Richelle Quincey

Dedicated

to my children

Jayden, Justin

and Erica

With special thanks to my dad

for his encouragement,

To the friends and family who contributed to this project,

And to my husband Sheldon for his endless patience, support and love.

Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright Information

Dedicated

Introduction

Chapter 1: Which road to travel?

Chapter 2: What is courting really?

Chapter 3: Once upon a time . . . yikes!

Chapter 4: God’s roadsigns

Chapter 5: The journey begins

Chapter 6: The first months

Chapter 7: Safety first

Chapter 8: Bumps in the road

Chapter 9: Wedding dreams

Chapter 10: Something in the wind

Chapter 11: The family

Chapter 12: Melody of love

Chapter 13: Detour

Chapter 14: Journey north

Chapter 15: A visit home

Chapter 16: A new strength

Chapter 17: One word

Chapter 18: Attacks from Christians?

Chapter 19: The Devil’s territory

Chapter 20: A little leaven

Chapter 21: Devotion time

Chapter 22: Volatile valentine

Chapter 23: Are we there yet?

Chapter 24: The big day

Chapter 25: Destination: mountaintop

Road Tips from Couples: Commitment to marriage

Road Tips from Couples: Accountability to authority

Road Tips from Couples: Rejection of the dating philosophy

Road Tips from Couples: Establishing physical boundaries

Contact Information

Introduction

David breathed a sigh of relief as he and his men rode away from the battle front. As he glanced over his shoulder awkwardly to gaze at the rigid rows of tents still covering the hillside, the sounds of war still rang in his ears. The King of the Philistines had told him that he was not needed at this battle, but a frown of worry still creased David’s noble brow. He kept mulling over possibilities and tactics. He was a warrior at heart and his thoughts never strayed far from any pending battle. Plus, the divided loyalties that he felt between his people, the Israelites, and the Philistines who had protected him, made his mind do somersaults.

It will be great to relax at home, a nearby soldier commented. It is certainly about time.

David could not help but agree, for soon he would be face-to-face with his precious family. As he and his men neared their destination, their slumped shoulders became more erect and their horses began to trot with anticipation. Nothing like home.

Suddenly, David pulled on the reins of his horse, Whoa. He gazed intently at the blackened sky ahead. A sense of panic overwhelmed him as he inhaled the stench of stale smoke wafting through the air. Ziklag was ahead, his home; a smoldering pile of ruins!

Hello! Hello! the men shouted, praying for an answer, but none came. All their children and wives were gone. They had been taken captive by the Amalekites.

The account of Ziklag’s devastation in first Samuel chapter 30, holds grave truth for us even today. As christians, we may be faithful warriors, with our thoughts and energy always directed towards the battles ahead. We may write letters to politicians, picket at abortion clinics, and send funds to worthy charities, but the devil’s tactics have not changed. While we are obsessing over many valid issues, the devil is subtly sneaking in our back door, taking captive our children and destroying the family.

I have watched helplessly as christian teens fall prey to the world’s lies. Their music, movies and attire reflect this ongoing struggle. Satan is constantly tempting us to follow our flesh and forsake God. The sensual stimuli before our eyes is extensive, and perverse relationships are flaunted daily. Like Lot’s family, we are surrounded with every wicked thing and we need to recognize the real battle front.

Nothing that the world offers is without danger; not the music, movies, philosophies, and certainly not the world’s formula for building a relationship. Dating is the devil’s strike against christian young people. He knows that the youth carry the torch of Christianity. If he can destroy their usefulness for the Lord by distracting them and attacking their purity, he has momentarily won. What most people do not realize is that there is an alternative to worldly dating. The principles for courting are based upon our only weapon of defense- the Word of God.

Chapter 1

Which road to travel?

Why would you choose to court? many of my friends asked with perplexed surprise. Everybody dates!

The fact that everyone around me had followed the dating pattern was by no means proof of its success. At the age of 17, only one family that I had known from childhood was still together and sailing smoothly. Even my parent’s marriage was under constant construction. This is hopeless, my mind concluded after a local pastor hooked up with a deacon’s wife. We do not drive automobiles identical to those from fifty years ago. Instead, brilliant minds have invested hours searching for improvements. It baffled me that many christians were not analyzing the statistics of marital carnage, but were still blindly embracing the world’s dating model as their only transportation to the altar. I felt it was time we determined the defects, fixed the flaws, and finally presented a refurbished vehicle for furthering a relationship. I endeavored to do just that.

Some people will defensively declare, Well, we dated! However, I have yet to meet a modern couple who followed ordinary dating, without any regrets. I am aware that exceptions exist, but most couples have crossed that solid yellow line, a visible boundary, and just ‘happened’ not to crash. With each generation there are more fatalities: couples break up, marriages do not last and families are destroyed. This is a predictable result of dating, because the world’s dating philosophy does not work.

The history of dating

According to a study done at the university of Florida¹ , the sexual revolution began with the silent generation during the 1940’s, and this wind of rebellion continued with a notable surge until the 1960’s. Teenage pregnancies spiked, and morality grew to be a despised ideal that was easily thrown away by free thinkers. Respect for parents, government and those in authority dissolved within a few decades. Fear of God was lost, and some educators claim that during this time God died, though they will find out very differently one day. The humanistic philosophy placed man as divine judge, and society screamed Just do it!

It was through this sexual revolution that our current dating philosophy evolved. The bible says that you shall know a tree "by its fruits," and dating has resulted in a completely rotten dung hill of produce. But what is dating anyway? If you think about it, nobody knows. It is a shape changer, without definition or form. Within dating the word immoral does not exist, because there are no real guidelines or boundaries. If the couple feels something is right for them, then that is okay and God’s law is usually left out of it. The term ‘dating’ travels on a course directly parallel to the morals of society. It is degenerating with each generation. Let me demonstrate this trend: In the 1940’s when a couple planned a ‘date’, it meant that the gal’s ‘fella’ was coming for dinner at her ma and pa’s house. Afterwards, they would sit on the stiff-backed floral furniture, while Pa appeared to absorb himself in the local newspaper. They might then take a stroll, sneak a kiss, and say goodnight. ‘Dating’ in the 60’s already had a far less wholesome ring, as couples made-out in their polished autos parked at the swanky drive-in theater. In our present day, dating has been depicted by the many celebrity examples to mean ‘having sex in a committed way but not living with each other- yet’. The concept of a dating couple not being intimately involved is made to seem as strange and unusual as a one-eyed alien. The world has presented immorality as the norm, and many young people are not even aware that there is a better path.

I have met several new christians who excitedly discussed with me their desired purity in relationships. This time I’ll do it right, they vowed. Then I have sadly watched as they fall again and again. The issue is that they are searching after an ideal christian destination with no idea how to get there. They are trying to get to a new place in relationships, but are still driving on the same old road, in that undependable vehicle they are so familiar with, dating. Though dating is somewhat undefined, there are three major reasons why the world’s model for relationships does not work.

Firstly, the world’s dating philosophy does not acknowledge human weakness. For instance, the bible states in First Corinthians chapter 7 that "It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Could we assume that the bible says this for a reason? God knows our innate needs and desires. He programmed us to have them, and the advice is It is good for a man not to touch a woman. This is not shocking, it simply makes sense. If this principal was upheld there would be virtually no fornication at all. The bible also says in Mark 14:38 that our spirit truly is ready, but the flesh is weak. The idea that we can create no guidelines and still not sin is complete arrogance! Even the great King David whom God referred to as a man after his own heart," fell into immorality. In Second Samuel chapter 11, we see that he actually committed adultery with another man’s wife and then later killed her husband. Not one of us is above temptation. The dating model, however, is built on the presumption that a couple’s willpower is a good enough rudder to direct the relationship. Imagine a car parked perilously on a hill, without its brakes on; if someone was to snap an initial photo, the car would appear to be safely parked. A few seconds later it would begin to roll forward, slowly at first, and then eventually out of control. In the first moments, if one was to snap photos, they could easily conclude that the car looks fine; the problem is not where the car is on the hill, the issue is the direction the car is going. With no stops in place, the car will begin to flip over and over until it is a total wreck. The once beautiful automobile, with so much potential, is now a piece of junk. By the way, God is a sort of junk collector; He can fix us up and heal our wounds, but some of the dents never go away. The devil likes to take that initial photograph of our lives and say, See, there’s nothing wrong . . . you guys will be fine. God’s word predicts the crash.

Secondly, the world’s dating philosophy is feeling-based, instead of faith-based. The idea that we must trust in our feelings to know if a relationship is good or not is completely false. People can feel love for those who are not good marriage partners. The tabloids are filled with abusive marriages, where the women helplessly declare, But I love him. The bible says in Jeremiah 17:9 that our "heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it." If we follow our feelings our lives will most likely end in disaster.

God actually included within scripture the story of Samson, a judge of Israel who followed his flesh, so that we could learn from Samson’s faulty decisions. In Judges 13 we see that a young man named Samson was born to a couple and that "the Lord blessed him. He was to deliver his people from the Philistines who ruled over them. In chapter 14, Samson goes to his father and requests a bride from the Philistine women, who were pagans. His father of course, tries to discourage him but Samson declares, Get her for me; for she pleaseth me." Samson does not appear to know the woman well and is completely acting in lust. This ungodly wife is eventually given to another man, which infuriates Samson. He slaughters many Philistines and becomes a judge over Israel.

One would assume that Samson learned from his first mistake, but instead we see him in chapter 16:1, enjoying the company of a prostitute and by verse 3 he is madly in love with a Philistine woman named Delilah. Delilah deceives him three different times, trying to find out the secret of his strength, and surprisingly, Samson stays with her. Is Samson stupid? No, but his flesh is! Finally, Delilah betrays him for eleven hundred pieces of silver. Samson’s eyes are plucked out and he is made a prisoner. Samson is not defeated by an army of soldiers or by a conniving woman. He is destroyed by his own lying heart.

If we follow our feelings, we will always end up spiritually empty like Samson. It says in Judges 16:20 that "The Lord was departed from him. God could no longer use Samson for his service, because Samson had ignored wisdom and followed sin. After Samson repented, God was able to use him once more, but Samson’s last prayer rings with devastation; O Lord GOD, remember me, I pray thee, and strengthen me, I pray thee, only this once, O God, that I may be at once avenged of the Philistines for my two eyes." Samson died as a prisoner of the Philistines, the people that he was called to conquer. What a tragedy!

Lastly, the world’s dating model is founded upon an attitude of discontentment. Each person is trying to find the perfect lover who satisfies them in every way. If one person is unhappy, they simply dump their boyfriend or girlfriend and try out another one who might be better. It is like a crazed audition that thrives on selfishness. One of my friends actually admitted that her new boyfriend was just a stepping stone as she moved up the ladder. There was no thought given to his feelings at all, because she had determined that she deserved better. As christians, we know that what we really deserve is hell, and that "every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights (James1:17). We are to be thankful for what we are given, and to show appreciation in all our relationships. The world’s thinking is a me me me" philosophy that works against this principle.

An attitude of discontentment also makes a happy marriage impossible, which is undoubtedly why the divorce rate, even in christian circles, is so high. The world’s philosophy encourages people to stay uncommitted just in case, and any problem in the relationship is quickly blamed on the other person, who is then dumped. Oh well, there’s someone else out there, is the general thought. Eventually however, these same people will settle down and marry someone they think is perfect or who they hope to make perfect. Then when the honeymoon is over, the problems begin. As each person is quick to point the finger and has spent no time working on themselves, a divorce may become imminent. They dump one another and start over once again.

In First Timothy 6:6, the bible declares that "godliness with contentment is great gain." God wants his people to be satisfied with what he gives them. The world’s pattern of dating ignores God’s plan and actually encourages an attitude of divorce. But what about christian dating? you might ask. That’s different isn’t it? It is true that dating in christian circles usually has a more sanctified meaning and ideally, ‘christian dating’ should simply be a reflection of what the bible teaches, and therefore a godly option. The problem is that applying biblical principles and refurbishing a worldly vehicle takes a huge amount of spiritual maturity, thoughtful reflection and life experience. Most young people are not spiritual scholars and if they do not have parents or a youth leader who addresses this topic regularly, they will fill the gaps in their understanding with examples of worldly dating that they see on television, at school, at work, etc. They may think to themselves, "I don’t really need to get rid of this, and replace it. That’s so much

Reviews for Leave Dating Behind

[ikwaysi · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

An excellent book for new couples seeking direction and clarity on the biblical path for romantic relationship toward marriage.

I strongly recommend it!