From Victim to Victor: God Turns our Trauma into Blessings

By Rose Duru

Love, trust, and commitment make a successful marital relationship so there can be fewer divorces. Dating and counseling are prerequisites for every marriage because marriage is a covenant.

This book does not encourage domestic violence, which is detrimental to successful relationships. Understanding, respect, and love avoid distractions

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trilogy Christian Publishing
• Release date: Sep 1, 2023
• ISBN: 9798887386669

Rose Duru

Born to a preacher, Rose Ngozi Duru-Okoro knew God early. Rose's education was truncated by the Nigerian Civil War, after she got involved in an arranged marriage in desperation to continue her education. Rose earned her B.S. in accounting and a financial management diploma.

Book preview

Chapter One

The divorce rate in our world today has gone to astronomical levels, and this is because of wrong attitudes and bad behaviors that we have and do to each other in marriages, even in Christian marriages. We can change this if only we will change our attitudes and behaviors. After taking an oath to have and to hold until death do us part before God, people don’t pay attention to what they say or do to their partners. When we do this, it shows we don’t reverence God in our lives.

I am a divorcee; I want to let people know my experiences and how God healed my brokenness, so they don’t fall into the same pit. God will do the same for anyone who asks Him, for He is no respecter of persons. What He has done for me, He will surely do for anyone who asks Him.

Marriages are supposed to be based on love and one’s character and not material things, as those things will fade with time so that one’s expectations from his partner is not disappointed. Physical attraction is not enough to sustain a lifetime relationship because it also fades. Sandy Patti’s song Love in Any Language comes to mind. Love is the same everywhere and in all languages. 1 Corinthians 13 sums it all up. It says in verses 4-8:

Love suffers long, love does not parade itself, is not puffed up, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

--2 Cor. 13: 4-8, NKJV

As you can see, a marriage based on love can stand the test of time. Mine was not based on love but what my ex-husband’s brother told us about one another, so we did not know each other, and it was doomed to fail. Love will sustain one’s interest in a partner to help him or her change weaknesses as no one is perfect. Dating is an integral part of preconditions for marriage and should not be overlooked, as it helps one know who he or she is getting involved with. If possible both parties should undergo pre-marital counseling with those who have taken these steps to give a peep into what to expect before diving into this most important relationship. It is better to get a Christian counsellor if you are a Christian, otherwise it is good to join a Bible-believing church so you get sound advice and don’t go against your parents’ advice if they are good and love you, as an Ibo proverb says, What an old man sees sitting down, a child cannot see it standing up.

In my own case, these were not done, and we became strange bedfellows when we dived into marriage.

Don’t Be Deceived

Beware of the false prophets, who come to you inSheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles?Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit.

--Matthew 7:15-17, NKJV

Dreams of Blissful Marriage

As a young girl that grew up in a Christian family, I had high expectations of what my marriage should be. As suitors began to knock on my door, I began to dream of having a happy home in the near future. Little did I know that the enemy had made his own plans to trap and totally frustrate me with marriage. Before I realized this, I had already gone through the citadel of hell and lost my faith and myself in the process. But God’s grace was sufficient for me, as He says in His Word:

Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.

--1 Peter 5:8, NKJV

The Bible said we should not be ignorant of the devices of the enemy. This is why Christians must always be on their guard to avoid falling into the devil’s destructive plans and hurdles because, as God is making plans for you, the devil is making his plans too.

The Nigerian Civil War

It was the year 1970. The Ibo people of Nigeria were just recovering from the aftermath of the Nigerian Civil War, which lasted from May 1967 to January 1970 with a lot of losses on the Biafran side. Biafra was a group made up of a tribe called the Ibo people, many of whom are the intellectuals of Nigeria. This group wanted to secede from the rest of Nigeria and build a different nation of their own. Till today, it has remained a mirage. Though they manufactured their own bombs called ogbunigwe (mass killer), they were too small to face the rest of the country, but they withstood the assault for three years. Sabotage and economic war worked very much against them. The economic war led to many deaths due to starvation. Entire families were wiped out. In desperation, the then young and enthusiastic president of Biafra, the late Chukwuemeka Odumegwu Ojukwu, went into exile to Cote d’Ivoire, where he lived until he grew old. He later came back to Nigeria but there was no place for him in Nigerian politics until he died on 26 November 2011. I was desperate to continue my education, as I had not completed high school before the war started.

Spiritual Revival

The good thing that happened was that there was a mighty spiritual awakening among the Biafrans, probably due to the pressure and suffering from the war. Many young people accepted Christ into their lives, and I was one of them. We were discipled by the Scripture Union of Nigeria; a group of us got involved in evangelizing and discipling other people, both within our village and in other villages far and near. We removed shrines for idols in the area. I was very zealous for the Lord, but I was young, did not totally understand the scriptures, and had not received enough teaching about being unequally yoked with unbelievers. It was true I was born into a Christian home, born again and spirit-filled during the Biafran war, but I allowed myself to be lured into a very unchristian relationship to my own detriment and pain.

Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

A very handsome, tall, fair suitor, whom I will call Chukwudi, was introduced to me by his brother, who was a Catechist in the Anglican church in my village. Each time he saw me, he told me how much he really wanted me to be his brother’s wife. He told me his brother was a Christian and that he never drank alcohol all his life. This man promised me heaven and earth if I married his brother. When Chukwudi finally came from New York where he lived to ask for my hand in marriage, he said the same things his brother said about his faith. I did not know he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He was an agent sent by Satan to derail me from my faith and make life unbearable for my family and me.

I was tricked into marrying him because he spoke perfectly the language of Christians. He came to Nigeria from New York, and his mission was to get a wife who would go back to the United States with him. I later found out that he had tried to approach other girls, but those who knew him well turned him down. He and his elder brother, who was a so-called preacher in my local church, connived and concocted lies about who they were and what they would do to get me to marry him. Chukwudi told my father that he was a student, but his brother told me personally that he had a Doctorate in Engineering. My father told me he sensed that both Chukwudi and his brother were telling lies and planned to go to their hometown to investigate their stories. But before my father could do that, I was pestered into making a quick decision and traveled to the USA to join him. After the brief stint I had with Chukwudi, I became more confused, not knowing whether to continue with the relationship or terminate it. Some Christian brethren tried to dissuade me from going ahead but since I really wanted to travel to the land of the Golden Fleece, America, I opted to go ahead. I never knew I had been trapped into the worst relationship anyone could have in this world. It was a risky and tragic decision which almost cost my life! This relationship I went into was very difficult from the beginning. I began blaming God and asking Him why He didn’t let me die instead of marrying this man. While in the heat of the pain and disgrace, I always asked Him to take away my life, but He didn’t, despite all my pleas to not let me see another day.

You know, you don’t tell a deaf man that war has started; he will see it for himself. But Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) says, For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

So many of us need to apply His Word and wisdom to our situations and use them to overcome life’s challenges, but I unknowingly expected God to do everything for me. It is said that the choices one makes in life will either make or break the person. God has given us the power to make choices, and it is very important to make wise choices. I made a bad choice and crying to God to take my life was not the right attitude but rather learning from the situation. I wanted so badly to get out of the marriage, but my family would not allow me, and they didn’t teach me how to live and cope with the situation. I never had any discussion nor counseling with anyone about marriage, not even my parents before this time.

Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?

--2 Corinthians 6:14-15, NKJV

Almost Frozen to Death

On that fateful day that my American dream became a reality, I was so excited--so sure of having a blissful marriage and that my house would be full of beautiful children. I arrived at the Kennedy airport aboard Pan Am Airline scantily dressed because Chukwudi never informed me of the weather situation at that time. It was spring, and the weather was quite cold. As I was in a corner of the airport shivering, an elderly black man who was a cleaner used his jacket to cover me and keep me