Loser - Life of A Software Engineer

By Dipen Ambalia

What's common between outsourcing and Christopher Columbus's discovery of America? How are arranged marriages related to the Software Development Life Cycle? For you to command better appraisals, what should've your parents named you? Why does your Project Manager always give you a new task just when you're about to sign off for the day? Why are dumb, attractive software engineers always sent onsite? In Life of A Software EngineeR (LOSER), author Dipen Ambalia offers some hilarious answers to these questions and more, having struggled through years of terrible appraisals, dumb instructions, Bell Curves and belles' curves.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Fingerprint Publishing
• Release date: Jan 1, 2012
• ISBN: 9789358561333

Book preview

Requests, bouquets and brickbats

Hi Dipen, my husband is a software engineer. When we got married, I thought that FINALLY, I'll be able to see snowfall, go to Disneyland and tell all my friends about it through my Facebook status updates! However, the farthest I've gone with him is to Haryana for his project. He's such a workaholic, even in his sleep, he keeps mumbling, 'No issues, Sir. I will take care of it. Have a nice day.' What the hell!

Wife of a software engineer who was promised a long-term onsite by his Project Manager

Hi Dipen, thank you for writing this book! After reading LOSER, I've become disillusioned about the IT world's charms. Can you please translate this book into Hindi or Bhojpuri? I want my parents to read it. They want me to join an IT firm!

Ramesh Yadav, 7th semester of computer engineering, somewhere in UP

I am going to sue Dipen. He was my team member once. How dare he write such things about me? Am I some idiot who just shouts the whole day? Who is this publisher? I am going to take Dipen to court. Where the *$%& is he?

A livid Project Manager from Mumbai

Dear Dipen, I cannot stop crying after reading your book. I now regret having told my son to be a good boy, to study 12 hours everyday, to work hard and not to fall in love till his graduation. Now he has joined a software company. He's always been in India. I generally see him with his Blackberry. He is frustrated and unmarried. And he is not even a Maanglik!

Susheela Kulkarni, mother of a software engineer from Pune

DEDICATION

I'd like to dedicate this book to my parents—whatever I am today is thanks to their love and affection. Dad was always proud of me. I'm sure he boasts about me to his friends in heaven. Miss you, pappaa! Also, my maternal uncle, late Mr Jasmat Gami, and my maternal aunt, late Mrs Kanchan Gami, both of whom would have been proud of this book.

And finally, this book is a tribute to every software engineer in India and abroad, who works hard to make India the biggest software exporter in the world!

PREFACE

By qualification, I am an electrical engineer.

By profession, I am a software developer-turned-tester-turned-production support analyst-turned-business analyst.

By passion, I am a writer.

I wonder why qualification, passion and profession are three different things. If there's one thing that skillfully merges my appreciation of all three, it is my desire to be a theorist. I've always wanted to be one.

Amidst the confusion about what I must do with my life, and the fact that I survived seven years in the information technology (IT) sector, I've come up with a few theories of my own about surviving/working/lazing around/pretending to work in this industry.

I've also figured out some undisputable ways by which you can fool your bosses. (The assumption being that the intelligence of bosses all over the world is the same. So, what worked for me will hopefully work for you too!)

But before I share my wisdom further, I'd like you to determine whether this is indeed a book for you. Please answer a few questions:

Do you also feel that your boss is a ¹zumbaaloo*?

Do you feel that you spend most of your time in useless meetings?

Do you feel that your boss gives you the worst assignments possible and then accuses you of having intelligence lesser than that of the most demented rat under clinical supervision?

Are you sick and tired of boring, bland, tasteless, uninteresting, monochromatic, insipid presentations?

Do you fail to convince your boss in your appraisal meeting?

Do you want to perfect the art of fooling your bosses?

Do you want to know the rules, myths and truths of the software industry?

Do you want to know which type of software engineer are you? Are you a Resident or a Detached or a Driver or an Attached?

If your answer to any of the above questions is 'Yes', then congratulations! You have purchased the right book, and by the time you finish reading it, you are about to get a very high return on investment on the amount you spent on this book!

I wrote this book for everyone who wants to know about the software world, and figure out ways and means to survive in this industry. Software engineers, in my opinion, are one of the most respectable human resource in the job market. And on the top of it, they DO get enough time to enjoy life! I am sure that they wouldn't mind spending a few hours enjoying this book.

Believe me, the software world might look like a serious, no-nonsense enterprise full of geeky bi-spectacled soldiers, but if you look deeper as I did, you'll find that popular notion is incorrect. Based on my experience, in the following pages I've projected the software world in a tongue-in-cheek manner that is closer to reality than what newspapers tell you.

As promised, I've also provided enough tips on how to fool your bosses, what to do in meetings and presentations, how to command good ratings in appraisals, what to say and what not to on the last day of your job, how to write resignation letters . . .

Disclaimer: This book is not for top bosses. Every attempt has been made by my publisher Fingerprint, to ensure that bookstores don't let bosses/project managers get their hands on this book. I also request employees of all software companies to keep this book away from them.

And there's 'one more thing'. Neither my publisher, nor I, am responsible for any decrements or demotions caused if you're caught red-handed reading this book!

---

¹ Zumbaaloo is an imaginary creature with a square head, cylindrical trunk, agility of a sloth and intelligence of an amoeba.

CONTENTS

1. Origin of The Software World 

2. 12 Commandments to Fool Your Bosses

3. Presentations!

4. What We Do in Office!

5. 'Software Development Life Cycle' Explained! 

6. Different Roles in the Software World 

7. Driver, Attached, Detached, Resident. Which One Are You? 

8. First Day in The Software World! 

9. The Richa and Ramesh of The IT World 

10. The Deewar—Those Who Have Been Onsite & Those Who Haven't! 

11. Just Do It: Marriage, Relationships and All That Jazz! 

12. The Onsite Experience! 

13. Google and God! 

14. Universal Rules of The Software World! 

15. Recession & The Software World 

16. Outsourcing 

17. Myths & Truths of The Software World

18. Being On Bench 

19. Appraisals! 

20. Resignation Mail 

21. Last Day at Work 

22. The IT Jargon Buster: What They Say And What They Mean! 

Acknowledgements 

I spent 11 months, 3 weeks and 2 days in writing this book and in that time, I spent 11 months trying to figure out the origin of the software industry.

Trust me. I couldn't get anything concrete and informative.

So I called up a few Hindi news channels and asked them if they knew something about how and when the software world came into existence. All of them replied saying that they had no clue. The fact that they even heard me out is proof that they'd become bored of telecasting exclusive footage of aliens picking up cows in the dead of the night, the same aliens showing a fondness for Himesh Reshammiya's music, and how reporters found the dead body of Raavan just a few metres away from the stairway to heaven.

Nevertheless, I put in a request with one channel, asking their research team to help me out. In return, I promised them that I'd do all I could to increase their TRPs. Soon, word went out in their office that a crazy guy called Dipen Ambalia had put in such a bizarre request. Coincidentally, one of my best friends works at that same lightning fast news channel. He called me to verify if it was me indeed. I told him what I needed and sent him a DVD of Kim Kardashian (and other good stuff), and asked him if he could steal any exclusive report on the origin of the software world.

He couldn't say NO to such a good offer. In a few days, I received a DVD of that report via post. I played it on my DVD player. Following is a description of what I saw:

The origin of the software world dates back to the times when Columbus first went out on a voyage in search of new lands. In those days, the locals would command a premium