Valiants Die Many Times...

By Henry Torres

“It delivers a realistic view from one man’s eyes of the personal events of the Vietnam war and the effect it has on the mind.  It relates to his past and the corresponding existent present as we see his mind slowly develop into the present state.”

 

 

“It is a very strong mental view combat veterans from all wars experience.”

 

 

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“A very gripping story of how one’s past life can unexpectedly effect his future emotions”.

 

 

“Our present emotions and responses to our individual life’s situations are based on our past.  We are what life has evolved us into”.

 

 

Could it be nothing more than Mother Nature’s method of controlling over population?

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: May 2, 2008
• ISBN: 9781467867320

Henry Torres

The author, Henry Torres, was born and raised in the small town of Eagle Lake, TX.  He graduated in 1967 from the old Eagle Lake High School, which no longer stands.  The school's mightly dark red brick and the many memories it held is now gone forever.  His upbringing and experiences during that era are reflected from his childhood boyish days up through his late teen's determination to serve his country with Honor.  Thus, we have the end result of the combined past that led him to the present.  'A battle within One's own Mind'. There is a deep expression reflected that he sees in every person that walks on the face of the earth.  His own mental thoughts that reflect the mentallity of every human being's inner self. As Henry comments: "I grew up as a normal kid.  I loved baseball, football, and let's not forget the apple pie.  It was the special experiences that somehow managed to cling to my mind that created the real 'ME'"!      "My goal for an MBA degree unfortunately changed at that time when I had to devote full time to a job so as to support myself.  It was hard for me to work nearly all night in a bread bakery and attend classes during the day." "We are what life has evolved us into." "So... here I am!  Enjoy!"

Book preview

Valiants Die

Many Times…

by

Henry Torres

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AuthorHouse™

1663 Liberty Drive, Suite 200

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.authorhouse.com

Phone: [phone]

© 2008 Henry Torres. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in

a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means

without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 4/28/2008

ISBN: 978-1-4343-6469-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4678-6732-0 (eBook)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2008901327

Printed in the United States of America

Bloomington, Indiana

Contents

P – R – E – F – A – C – E

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

Six

Seven

Eight

Nine

Ten

Eleven

Twelve

Thirteen

Fourteen

Fifteen

Sixteen

Seventeen

Eighteen

‘A Really Great Meeting’

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THE BIG RED ONE

This book is dedicated to the brave men who served with Alpha Company, 1st battalion, 18 infantry brigade of the First Infantry Division during 1965 through 1970. We, who fought, served and died with Honor for our country.

also

To Jonathan Preston, a good friend. Thanks for encouraging me to write this book.

Cowards die many times before their deaths; The Valiant never taste of death but once……

William Shakesphere in

Julius Ceasar

Act II, Scene II

Line 32

P – R – E – F – A – C – E 

The real challenge of life is within our inner selves. How we face or produce challenges is our own responsibility. Our mentality, or state of mind, is the basis on how we response to a particular challenge.

Or is it?

What are our responses actually based on? We all react from within ourselves. How is that reflective ‘within’ formed within our inner emotions?

Is it our past?

I think so.

We are a product of what our past has evolved us into.

Enjoy.

ONE 

War is hell. We have all seen it in the movies. We have all heard war stories at one time or another from a friend, a relative, or someone that is close to us.

War is combat.

War is an armed conflict in which people get hurt.

War is dying in combat.

War is being wounded.

Could it be nothing more than Mother Nature’s method of controlling over population?

This is the way we all have gotten to know war… Fierce human confrontations in which a lot of people either get killed or physically marred for the rest of their lives. These confrontations are just the physical aspects of war.

What about the mental aspects of war? Why is it that we don’t ever see or hear or understand the personal mental wounds of war. The personal mental torments suffered by those who didn’t get killed or wounded.

The type of torment a fighting combat soldier faces when he is not in combat. It is when the mind starts playing games with its owner. It is that one single time out of many that no one understands but the person who thinks it. For many generations the grunt had to live through it all without having any assurance that he would make it home or maybe, just maybe, making it home sooner than expected other than by being a casualty. Those mental obstacles too, are very serious wounds. Sometimes these mental casualties may be worse than actually dying or getting seriously wounded. It is an aspect of war that has always been neglected by the majority of the world’s population. There are men who suffered through those experiences and still continue to do so.

These are the unsung heroes.

Many of these men still suffer from the mental anguish of once having had to hunt each other down for the maximum kill… Man hunt man. The ultimate hunt.

The mental aspect of war we have always been exposed to is only that of the ones who were injured or killed in combat. We believe that these were the fighting men who actually lived through the real experience of war. Unlike the movies, war is not fighting twenty-four hours a day. There is a lot of time in between battles that also produce a devastating effect on the brave men who were there.

It is the ‘in between times’ combined with combat that devastated most of the men who pursued and came face to face with the enemy and the environment.

It was not only just the face to face combat. It is the constant realization that sooner or later they were going to die. At the very least, get wounded. They could consider themselves really lucky if they didn’t lose a limb or get shot in the crotch. After all, no man wants to lose his dick.

One of the greatest obstacles in war and also in life as we all know it, is the acceptance of dying. It lures over our heads all of the time. This by itself, is a lot of weight to carry on anybody’s shoulders. Sometimes, in war, a person hopes to get wounded or maybe even die just to get out of the misery of the life he has to go through in this war environment. Even though it may not all be combat. A person feels isolated and feels that no one knows what exists in this environment except those who are living through it. It is a miserable experience having to live in the environment of war with no way out. No way out, but to die or get wounded. A person can only take it in whatever manner the hand of God deals the outcome to you.

It is a lonely job understood only by those who perform it. It can be so lonely that sometimes there is nothing around you to hold on to for support.

Nothing… Absolutely nothing that can help support your lonely thoughts and encourage you to continue living.

What you are about to read is a story of one man who lived through such experiences. Even though it does not reflect the entire year he spent there in the war zone, you will still be able to see through his eyes what he saw and felt. It is the loneliness and the self-crying out from within one’s soul wanting to get out of the situation. But, he can’t get out. He is trapped inside his own body and trapped in a life that he must deal with. How will he survive? Will he survive?

He is there. Trapped in a miserable situation until his turn is up. But yet, he finds different objects to hold on to. The Little Dipper, the star constellation, just happened to be one of them. It was the reliable friend that was always there in the night sky when he wanted someone he could talk to. It was one of those things that could allow him an escape from reality. Even if was just for a few minutes or maybe a even couple of hours.

Our past life is something we resort to when we are in need of self-support. We remember the good times we had growing up with our friends and family and all of our loved ones. But, sometimes the bad times of the past surface. As we get older we learn how to use these bad experiences to our advantage.

Or, do we?

The real challenge is within our selves. We, the ones who remained to face all of the challenges that life and God has dealt. In war the lucky ones are the ones who get out with their million dollar wounds that are not serious enough to cause death, but are serious enough to allow them to be sent home. Then there are the ones who get to go home by getting killed… dead… a physical casualty of war.

The lucky ones in real life get a way out of the situation by either mentally falling out of reality or by dying. But, there are those who continue to live. Those are the ones who have no escape from the heavy burden placed on their shoulders. The ones that continue to live and face situations as they confront them. Life can deal us a lot of unbearable moments.

People find ways to help themselves continue on. Sometimes we reach a point in which we feel that we have totally run out of supportive options. The inner pain of our life grows larger and more painful as it reaches deeper into our soul. The weight placed on our shoulders can sometimes start to get heavier by the hour. It is then that we begin the search for the ultimate way to get out of our sufferings. It is during this ultimate challenge that the ‘valiant’ within ourselves surfaces. Or, does it? If so, is it for better or is it for worse?

Life is hell. Life is hell because it can be hard and can be real hell if one cannot overcome tragedy, sorrow or death.

What if you are unable to overcome these obstacles?

War is a part of life and ‘Life is hell’.

Enjoy.

TWO 

"C owards die many times before their deaths: The Valiant never taste of death but only once."

So did the great Julius Caesar in the work of William Shakespeare speak the words.

Despite the warnings of his faithful loving wife, Calpurnia, Julius Caesar elected to face the day and report to the Senate House where he was to face certain death at the hands of his fellow friends and Romans.

His disapproval of cowardice and his almighty will to face life as life is dealt was dealt to him eventually led to his death. He was truly a valiant human being. He confronted this challenge of life that had stood before him, and he did so very boldly.

It was during a face to face confrontation that his eyes and his best friend Brutus’s eyes met. And it was when he felt the point of Brutus’s knife enter deep into his body that he knew then that his life was over. It was then, as the long slender blade of Brutus’s knife slowly and painfully entered his body that for a little more than a mere second, his mind wandered and reached out. It reached out to once again relive the long faithful friendship that once tied him and Marcus Brutus together as best of friends. The thought brought a pain deeper and greater than the stinging sinking blade entering his body. This memory numbed the deepening blades penetrating his chest from his other comrades. He had nothing to live for once he had seen that his most trusted friend Marcus Brutus was among those that had turned on him.

The brave and valiant Julius Caesar gave up fighting reality and could no longer face life as it had become. He had won many victories during his life. This one challenge was one that he could not bear. He had, without a doubt, gathered a lot of scars handed to him by his past realities of life. This last one was the most difficult he had ever encountered.

Despite his fate, Julius Caesar was not a coward even though he gave in to his fate without a fight. He was truly a valiant person.

Cowards do not accept reality as it exits in real life. The true coward tends to always run away from the trials and tribulations dealt to us by the almighty hand of God. Cowards would much rather live in their own little world that they have created for themselves.

Valiants accept reality and face it many times. They face the world as it actually exists. Each time we face reality, it becomes a challenge to our inner strength. Each time we face it, we die a little on the inside and at the same time, lose a little from within our soul. We, as sensitive human beings, are scarred by almost every incident we encounter.

They say that a drowning man re-lives his entire life during the last few seconds before he takes in his final breath of water that brings him to his death. What about… just what about… a person who has already accepted death. One who has already tasted death, but survived, despite all odds. One who realizes that the taste of death could once again confront him at any time and at any place. Realizing that each step or each breath could possibly be his last.

There are those who face death many times and still continue to live on. Perhaps, to find themselves in the face of death one more time, and then…. still another situation having to face death one more time. Will he survive the next one?

How many times can a person face death and just as many times live their entire life just seconds before they die? Just like the drowning man. Or do they just think they are going to die, but don’t. Without warning, having to suddenly accept the awful bitter taste of death deep inside the mind. Having that feeling deep down inside knowing and acknowledging that death is certain, but then… unexpectedly finding out that death was not the destined result.

Each time death confronts you; you are marked with a scar that will be with you for the rest of your life. These confrontations soon develop into a strong ‘survival instinct.’ Sometimes the collection of scars can be so deep and plentiful that a person no longer re-lives his entire life seconds before he dies. A person just learns to accept the taste of death for what it is and faces it. This does not make him a coward. At the very least, this is a ‘Valiant’ person.

What actually goes through this type of challenged mind? How should a challenge so great be accepted by one? Does a person think of their children… perhaps his parents, other relatives, or does a this person think of just the situation and the people around them at the time of the situation? Or does a person re-live a mere portion of his past? Re-live the mere portion of his past that has evolved and led him into the path of the present situation that he is now confronted with.

Better yet… Is life still a challenge at this point? Or do we go through life with our mind in a non-acceptance trance? Would one become blind to the things around us that we don’t want to accept as reality?

You will never know until you experience it for yourself. A person can imagine someone else’s reality, and they may think they know and understand what they feel. But, do they really know?

I don’t think so.

Life has dealt us our own unique experiences that nobody else understands simply because they did not live it the same way we as individuals have lived it. Not until a person realistically experiences the exact same thing another person has experienced, will he ever have an idea of what that other person accepts as reality and their perception of life.

We all grow up in different environments with different types of personalities raising us and growing up with us. How we respond in certain situations will vary depending on our past and what we learn from it. It also varies on how we have accepted life and reality during the course of our adolescence years. None of us will ever think exactly the same way nor will we every respond the same way under any type of pressure or confrontation.

My method of understanding people has been to watch them and to try to imagine what their past may have been like. I watch their motions and responses to even the minutest situations. This has given me an upper hand in determining how they will respond under certain pressures or any given situations. This has kept me alive in more situations than I care to remember.

Because I have been able to survive challenges does not make me a coward. And, No! I do not consider myself a coward.

Life is not a dream. Life is very real.

We are a product of what life has evolved us in to.

In my attempt to understand other people around me, I have neglected one person.

Myself.

Where am I?

I’m not sure where I am. I feel that I have lost touch with myself even though I still understand reality and have experienced the taste of death more than once.

Life can sometimes become a huge burden. A burden so heavy that even a ‘valiant’ can not bear the weight of life on his shoulders. Unfortunately, the end result may be the opposite of what we may expect. Such was the case with Julius Caesar.

When things are down and out, a ‘valiant’ faces one of the biggest challenges of his life.

One against himself.

The one major challenge that has steadily developed throughout the years as he matured living through the challenges of life. One that has developed into something different from what he had expected.

As I sit here, just finishing up cleaning my .357 revolver, listening to the spinning cylinder of the gun, I happened to feel as though the challenges we encounter in life are as plentiful as the fast moving clicks in the sound of the spinning cylinder on the pistol.

Each click representing a scar of life. It is as though all the clicks of life are combined closely together and the precision-like br-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-ing sound of the spinning cylinder is nothing more than my past flying past me in just a couple of seconds.

‘Clunk’!

As I sat on the chair I bent over and reached down to picked up the bullet that had rolled off the table.

B-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R!!!!!!!!!!

The time has come. I am experiencing a very pleasant happiness within myself. I could not ever be feeling any happier than I am now. I am going HOME!

The drowning man effect has kicked in. Not ever in my entire life have I ever felt this good before. I feel great! Yeah, I am going home!

Home!… to the peaceful life I once had. A life without having to suffer from the inside of my soul.

I’ll raise my right hand to that!

THREE 

It was raining… It looked as though I was indoors back home in Eagle Lake, Texas on a rainy day looking out through the bedroom window next to the bed watching the rain drip off the roof. Except, this time the rain was dripping off my ‘steel pot’ and I was standing in the rain.

The view beyond the dripping rain was very different from what I remembered it to be in Eagle Lake. Instead of seeing the rain falling and drenching the neighborhood, what I could see was the heavy monsoon rain falling on thick brushy vegetation… Maybe not very thick vegetation, since we were just barely outside of the jungle line.

I was tired, homesick and, at the same time, very pissed at the heavy rain.

Just a few months ago I had left home to come to this God forsaken country known as Vietnam.

My dad is an artillery veteran of the big one, W.W.II. He always said: Do your duty for this country and do it to the best of your ability. When you are finished you can proudly stand back and say; ‘I did my duty; Next!’. I was intending to do just that.

Bill, my older brother, had just returned from Vietnam last December. He had served as an infantry medic with the Americal Division in 1968. Six and a half months later in early July, 1969 it was my turn. After the Army basic training and advanced infantry training, I was leaving to do my tour in Vietnam.

Bill and I had exchanged jobs when he got out of the Army. It seems that the U.S. Army draft board had closely monitored our ages. When he got out of active duty, I, very timely, got drafted. Especially, since I had quit going to classes because of my financial situation. My brother got out of active military duty and I went in. Just like him, I got drafted into the U.S. Army branch of the military.

Bill took my old night job at the bread bakery I worked at when I was drafted, and I took his job by going into the U.S. Army.

On the day I