Home of the Unknown Soldier: How Coming Back Became the Other Ultimate Sacrifice

By Jill Dawn Armijo and Joe Lorenzo Armijo

Our veterans were willing to die for freedom. Thankfully they came home. Families are grateful for the safe return of their heroes. Until they see the changes. Many couples struggle to stay together through substance abuse, mental illness, depression, PTSD, physical injury and illness.

Our veterans and their caregivers are paying "the

• Language: English
• Publisher: Author Academy Elite
• Release date: Dec 20, 2019
• ISBN: 9781640857995

Jill Dawn Armijo

Jill Armijo lives with her husband, Joe and two dogs in Lehi, Utah. They raised three boys and are the proud grandparents of a little granddaughter. Jill has been Joe's caregiver since 1997, when he became unable to work anymore, and landed in the hospital the following year. Their journey has been a roller coaster, when, as a mother of two young boys and the youngest on the way, she embarked on the yourneey of trying to get her husband medical and Veterans Administration help, neither of which were ultimately relying on God, family, friends and their boys to encourage them as they learn that the most rewarding experiences don't come easily or comfortably, but they're worth it.

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Endorsements

A tragic irony of war is that coming home can become more dangerous than deployment. If you want to know what goes on behind the doors of a wounded warrior and his or her family, here’s a sneak peek. In this intimate account of their life together since Operation Desert Storm, Jill Armijo shares how unpredictable, disorienting, and lonely life can be for a military couple. Through the reality of making many mistakes, yet remaining committed to each other and their children, this story is a timely example of how compassion, forgiveness, and emotional self-care have been the keys to keeping at least one veteran off the streets.

—Kary Oberbrunner, author of Day Job to Dream Job and The Deeper Path

Jill Armijo is a terrific storyteller and her new book, Home of the Unknown Soldier, is an insightful, illuminating read. Forthright, heartbreaking and uplifting, the book is filled with nuggets of hard-earned wisdom and deftly illustrates the challenges faced by individuals rarely seen on the page—military caregivers. This is essential reading for caregivers everywhere, and a true gift for veterans and their family members.

—Jana Panarites, host of The Agewyz Podcast and author of Scattered: My Year as an Accidental Caregiver.

This is an amazing book, and was hard to put down. It will be a wonderful help to those who care for someone under difficult circumstances like PTSD, mental illness and dementia.

—Luanne Lundquist, MS, TRT,

Founder of Memory Matters of Utah

Having worked with many caregivers, I believe Jill is spot on in her understanding of how important compassion and devotion are – to each other and to ourselves as we navigate the seemingly insurmountable challenges we each face. Somehow both heart opening and heart breaking, I’ll be thinking about this book and this family for a long time to come.

—Jennifer Woodworth, MSW

I felt a big weight lifted off my shoulders as I closed the final chapter of Jill’s book. Jumping into the first chapter eager to read about her journey with her husband’s PTSD, my focus was to glean wisdom that I could share with others that I know are dealing with similar issues on a daily basis. What I received, however, was the reinforcement of living an authentic life and positive ways to view challenges that we all face daily as human beings walking the earthly pathway. Even though Jill’s journey and story are intended for the support of caregivers, what Jill gives us by sharing her story is the perspective of trusting that everything – good and bad – is an intentional part of our daily life and meant for our growth and betterment. Inspired, authentic and practical, this story pulls us together and gives us hope!

— Debbie Drake, Program Director

Women’s Business Center of Utah

Home of the Unknown Soldier

How Coming Back Became the Other Ultimate Sacrifice

Jill Armijo

Note to reader: I’m honored to present the story and principles in this work. The names are fictional, except for my family, our dog, and my best friend’s horse, with permission. The conversations have been respectfully represented to the best of my ability, using our memories, my journal entries, and my husband’s writings.

Home of the Unknown Soldier © 2019 by Jill Armijo,

All rights reserved.

Printed in the United States of America

Published by Author Academy Elite

PO Box 43, Powell, OH 43035

www.AuthorAcademyElite.com

All rights reserved. This book contains material protected under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without express written permission from the author.

Identifiers:

LCCN: 2019910222

ISBN: 978-1-64085-797-1 (paperback)

ISBN: 978-1-64085-798-8 (hardback)

ISBN: 978-1-64085-799-5 (ebook)

Available in paperback, hardback, e-book, and audiobook

All scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, King James Version, Copyright ©1979, The Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants, Copyright ©1981. All rights reserved worldwide.

Any Internet addresses (websites, blogs, etc.) printed in this book are offered as a resource. They are not intended in any way to be or imply an endorsement by Author Academy Elite, nor does Author Academy elite vouch for the content of these sites for the life of this book.

Dedication

To my father-in-law, Jose Dolores Armijo, who’s dying word were Siento muy solo (I feel so alone). He miraculously survived one war, then came home and fought the longest battle, surrounded by family and a community who didn’t understand.

Contents

Foreword

Preface

Introduction

Part I The Unknown Enemy

Chapter 1 He Tried to Kill Me!

Chapter 2 Frisbees and Fire Pits

Chapter 3 The Honeymoon

Chapter 4 Blindsided

Chapter 5 Navy Girlfriends and Tornado Safety

Chapter 6 Baby Boys and Plan B

Chapter 7 Family—The Backup Crew

Chapter 8 Alone with Grace

Part II The Enemy Exposed

Chapter 9 T-ball and Forgiveness

Chapter 10 Another Baby—or a Puppy

Chapter 11 Barbed Wire and Window Bars

Chapter 12 The End of the World—As We Knew It

Chapter 13 Little Einstein

Chapter 14 A Trip to the Mall—And the Doctor

Chapter 15 Doing Time—In the Hospital

Part III The Enemy Within

Chapter 16 Our Miracle Baby—And No Answers

Chapter 17 VA Flop and Trucking

Chapter 18 Willpower and Dirty Dishes

Chapter 19 Violin Lessons and Burgers

Chapter 20 The Eye Sees What the Mind Looks For

Chapter 21 Danger, Danger—Unknown Ahead

Chapter 22 Emotions: Friends —and Honored Guests

Part IV Defying the Enemy

Chapter 23 Kind Helpers and Cold Shoulder

Chapter 24 Floam and Suicide Prevention

Chapter 25 Eggshells and Peacemakers

Chapter 26 The Face of God

Chapter 27 Infinite Worth and Lovability

Part V The Enemy Denied

Chapter 28 Compassion—A Beautiful State

Chapter 29 Learning and Letting Go

Chapter 30 Toss the Manual

Chapter 31 On/Off Switch

Chapter 32 Faith vs Fear

Chapter 33 Play: The Opposite of Depression

Chapter 34 Layering Emotions

Chapter 35 The Other Ultimate Sacrifice

Endnotes

Bibliography

Foreword

I have been coaching for over six years now and I have met a lot of amazing people in that time frame. I have helped individuals through heavy challenges and through the day-to-day mundane problems that being a human in the world creates. I have worked with individuals who want to achieve big goals and individuals who just want to feel better. While I try not to have favorites, I would be lying if I didn’t admit that certain clients stand out in my mind. Jill Armijo is one such client.

I first met Jill in person (after being her coach virtually for a while prior) at my live 5-day workshop where we take a deep dive into the tools I teach and coach everyone in depth. As Jill’s story unfolded throughout the week, I fell in love with her willingness to be candid, her positive demeanor and her ability to maintain responsibility for her emotions regardless of circumstances. I am so thrilled that she has written this book and that the world will now get to experience her in this same way.

Get ready to witness a story that is honest and forthcoming about all of this family’s experiences. The parts they’re proud of and the parts they’re not. I love how Jill incorporates the self-coaching model into her story to connect dots about the things she’s learned on her journey. I felt like a part of Jill’s family as I read this story and I experienced some of the heartache, pain, frustration they must have experienced along with the laughter, gratitude and joy. I was grateful for all of it.

Jill and Joe are an example of a life well lived. I am excited for all who read this book to witness that circumstances do not create our happiness or sadness. We do. Sometimes we want to be sad and sometimes we will create emotions that do not serve us, but as Jill demonstrates in this book, anything is possible and love is always an option.

—Jody Moore, Master Certified Life Coach

Preface

Home of the Unknown Soldier

How Coming Back Became the Other Ultimate Sacrifice

This is a story about a veteran changed by war, and his family who learned to love him again. What it isn’t is me claiming to know all the answers. As you read through this book you’ll

Discover that you’re not alone.

Find emotional support in caring for yourself as you care for your loved one.

Learn to create a life you want and deserve.

Home of the Unknown Soldier will help you to

Nurture love for a family member who has experienced profound personality changes.

Avoid the pitfall of trying to make your loved one be the person you knew before.

Practice proven patterns of self-care to give you peace, fulfillment, and health.

This book will

Teach you principles of emotional and spiritual recovery and health.

Provide tools to understand your emotions related to circumstances out of your control.

Shift your thoughts from being a casualty to having the courage to be your own hero.

To the families of soldiers who paid the ultimate price: my intention isn’t to minimize your pain and loss, or the suffering you’ve endured. My purpose is to understand, comfort, and guide those who have sent a loved one to war and had a stranger return. I hope that by telling our story, others who care for loved ones with mental and physical challenges will feel a connection.

To caregivers of those who made the other ultimate sacrifice—those who came back but are confused, afraid, and struggling—you aren’t alone. If my husband hadn’t come home, I would have been devastated, but the difficulties we experienced after he did return were almost more than we could bear. Many times, I’ve felt that no one should have to go through the emotional turmoil and physical pain he’s experienced, and I’ve sometimes wished he hadn’t come home. I know it sounds mean, selfish, and ungrateful. Maybe it is, but I’ve learned to accept that those feelings exist and to not be ashamed of those thoughts and feelings by being curious about why they’re there and having compassion for myself.

I felt loss, grief, and despair as my husband changed from someone I knew into a stranger. Some may scoff at the comparatively insignificant abuses he suffered during the war itself. He never experienced combat, killed anyone, or held a dying buddy in his arms. He didn’t see women and children tortured, and he wasn’t captured or beaten.

My husband came home, and he appeared whole—no loss of limb, sight, or hearing, no shrapnel wounds or burns, able to walk off the plane on his two feet. My first impression—and what others saw—was that he made it through unscathed. The conflicts we’ve endured in our family since the early ’90s may pale in comparison to the suffering of others, but maybe our experience would have stumped you, too.

Please don’t judge us as I unfold the story of my veteran and me, the mistakes we’ve made, the challenges we’ve overcome, and the lessons we’re learning. I thank everyone who’s ever lent me a shoulder to cry on, offered a kind word, given caring advice, served us, or shown tough love. Our family has survived and thrived because of you.

Some parts of our story are painful to relate. It’s been challenging to rise above our situation and create a good life for our children. I’m not as strong or devoted as most people who know me sometimes think. I’ve been supported. For my husband, Joe, this book has been a vulnerable experience, but he keeps reading it and wanting to talk about it. He mourns the loss of who he was, but he’s also proud of who he’s become. He’s not afraid to let the world see inside our lives, because he knows everyone has great challenges. He has a generous heart and hopes his life can help someone else as much as I do. We’ve been loved and taken care of—by God, our families, friends, complete strangers, employers, and co-workers.

We hope this book can touch someone, a couple, or a family, and help them feel connected and understood. Your life hasn’t gone wrong, nor is it any less beautiful than it should be. Suffering is part of our human experience, and it can lead to great joy as we develop in ways that we couldn’t in a life of perpetual ease. Your experience on Earth is better because of your sacrifice, not despite it. One day you’ll look back and be grateful for all of it—just wait and see.

Thank you to the families who paid the ultimate sacrifice, to those who paid the other ultimate sacrifice, and to all those who are still fighting the battles for freedom, peace, and love.

Introduction

In one of my favorite movies, Fiddler on the Roof, ¹ Tevye, the father of three daughters, and Perchik, a teacher, are joking around. Perchik says, Money is the world’s curse.

Tevye says, May the Lord smite me with it. And may I never recover. Tevye felt—as many of us do—that money would solve his problems. Having money does indeed solve some issues, but wealth doesn’t make us feel happy or relieved. It’s our thoughts about money that create emotions of abundance and security.

This book isn’t about money. It’s about thoughts. Thoughts create feelings, and feelings drive actions. Thoughts that having more money would provide for his family motivated Tevye to work hard, and the result was that his family had enough.

Caring for my veteran has been an experience I used to feel was negative—a burden—and something I wished I didn’t have to do. I thought my situation made me unhappy and bitter, but I’ve learned that my circumstance isn’t negative at all—and not just in a theoretical, positive attitude kind of way. It’s how I think about my situation that produces my feelings.

Our feelings promote the actions we take to get the results we want. Most people think like Tevye did that our circumstances (i.e., being wealthy) will make us feel a certain way. For most of my life, that’s what I thought. When I was a young girl, I set goals I thought would bring me happiness. It made me happy just thinking about my dreams. The circumstances I imagined weren’t fulfilled yet, but I was already pleased, believing they would be.

Because of experiencing this before-the-fact happiness, I was motivated early in my life as a teenager to work hard to create the results I wanted for myself. The belief that I could have what I worked for created feelings of hope and excitement. These feelings drove me to develop the skills I thought would bring me fulfillment.

One thing I always hoped for was to marry a wonderful man who would love me, want children, and work to provide for us. I wanted to be a brilliant wife and mother and to have useful skills and talents to bless our family so I could be the best mom ever. I knew that no marriage was ideal and that challenges happen in families. I devoted myself to getting an education, partly because I wanted to help others in the field of healthcare, and partly because I wanted to be able to provide for a family if I should divorce or be widowed.

I knew that life happens and I would face problems and sorrow. I felt confident I could cope. I had ideas about what my life might look like if certain things occurred, and how brave and strong I would be despite it all.

I didn’t plan on a husband with mental illness. I didn’t anticipate depression. I had a tough time getting through school and beginning my career and family, but I didn’t abandon my quest. I believed I’d be successful. It wasn’t easy. Plans changed, life happened, and the dreams I had turned out differently from what I imagined my life would look like. The circumstances of my life today are different in many ways from the picture in my mind that made me happy as a little girl.

Joe was raised in an environment that he chose to change—for himself and his future family. His thoughts of wanting a happy marriage and being able to provide better opportunities for his children than he had encouraged him to finish high school, work hard, nurture himself spiritually, and eventually serve his country. He has accomplished his dreams, but it hasn’t looked anything like what he thought it would.

So why are we so happy?

We’re happy because of our thoughts. Circumstances don’t make us feel anything. It’s our thoughts about them that create our emotions. This model of looking at life is foreign to many people. It was new to us, too, before learning the concepts from my life coach, Jody Moore, but it’s been transformational for us to experience the freedom of knowing we can think in any way we want, no matter what the circumstances are.

Here’s a brief description of the model, and throughout this book I’ll share many examples of how it can help anyone in any situation.

C: Circumstances (facts only and neutral) – prompt

T: Thoughts – which create

F: Feelings – which drive

A: Actions – which produce

R: Results – which always reflect our thoughts

I’m not saying we want to be happy in every circumstance. If I’m sick, get two hours of sleep, then have to get up and go to work all day, I may want to feel sorry for myself and wallow in a bit of self-pity. It’s kind of indulgent to be grumpy and complain about how little sleep I got. Perhaps someone will empathize with me and help me get through the day.

Being happy is obviously what we all hope for, but not all the time what we want. Sometimes we want to be frustrated or sad or discouraged. Feeling all the emotions available to us gives substance and comparison to life’s myriad experiences. Emotional health is being willing to handle all the unpleasant parts of life so we can revel in the wonderful times more completely, having known both.

After Tevye’s daughter married a poor tailor instead of the wealthy man he had thought she should marry, he reported, They are so happy they don’t know how miserable they are.3

This book is a story of how our family has learned to be so happy we don’t know how miserable we are. We still have challenging times, but we are the most joyful family in the universe. How can this be? Nothing turned out like we thought it would. Some days we drive each other crazy, and some days we can barely function. The other half of the days we feel like we’re on top of the world and like we are deeply blessed.

In the same way that describing pain can be difficult, our ability to observe and embrace joy in our lives can be elusive and tenuous. Joe and I may be enjoying a nice dinner together, and my husband will be worrying about what people are thinking. I’ll be worrying about what he’s thinking people are thinking. It’s a work in progress to fully enjoy that time together.

As I reflect on life with my husband, I feel gratitude for all the experiences, because they’re each part of the picture of our life now. It’s simple, really—half misery and half happiness, just like Tevye’s daughter and son-in-law. Just like Tevye and his wife, Golde. Just like all of us.

The key is to notice our thoughts, look for the blessings, and see how implementing this model during the tough times can launch our lives in the direction that brings us our greatest joy. We aren’t happy despite our challenges but because of them. We’re happy because we’re willing to allow our journey to be sad sometimes without thinking that anything has gone wrong. It’s all part of the human experience our spirits get to have.

I hope as you read this book, you’ll find freedom and power in learning to apply the model to your circumstances and be equipped to design the life you want and deserve.

Part I

The Unknown Enemy

"Only a dad but he gives his all,

To smooth the way for his children small.

Doing with courage stern and grim

The deeds that his father did for him.

This is the line that for him I pen,

Only a dad, but the best of men."²

—Edgar A. Guest, Only a Dad

Chapter 1

He Tried to Kill Me!

1997

Colorado Springs, Colorado

Shhh! I hissed at my son Eric, as I heard sounds of our front door lock being jiggled. It was only mid-morning. David was at kindergarten, and Joe was at work. My mind raced. I froze with the refrigerator door half open. My phone was on the wall across the room. Eric was playing with his snack at the table, and our gun was in the bedroom. I’d never make it in time. Intruders were supposed to come at night when my husband was beside me, not while he was at work!

The door opened, and the intruder sniffed loudly. Daddy! Eric scrambled down from his booster seat and ran to the entryway where my husband closed the door and took off his jacket, letting it drop to the floor. Relieved beyond words, I closed the refrigerator door. I went to him and hugged him, holding back an angry censure for scaring me half to death. He was shaking and gasping. I stood back to look at him, wondering what was going on. He was crying! The only other time I’d ever seen my husband cry was when his father died.

Eric was wrapped around his daddy’s legs, and Joe picked him up, held him close, and said, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

Joe’s voice was cracking, and he was barely able to breathe the words out. I watched my husband, wondering what happened. Did his mom die, or one of his sisters? How had they known his work number? Had something happened to David at school? Had Joe gotten in trouble at work? So many thoughts swirled around in my head while he stood there, shaking and sniffling. He was acting like the world had come to an end, but he wouldn’t say anything.

What’s the matter? What happened? I said.

I quit my job, he said.

You what? Why? What happened?

Jimmy tried to kill me.

Alarmed, I quickly scanned his body, looking for signs of injury. What did he do to you? Why did he try to kill you? Where is he? Should I call the police? I flooded him with questions, and Eric reached out for me to take him from Joe, unnerved by the tone in my voice.

Joe tried to say more, but all he could do was to choke out, I can’t. He put Eric down and went into our bedroom. We followed him, and I sat down next to him on the edge of the bed. I picked Eric up onto my lap as Joe leaned his elbows onto his knees and wiped his eyes with his thumbs, still unable to speak.

Eric climbed off my lap and crawled up onto Joe’s knee. He patted his father’s cheek and said, It’s okay, Daddy, I make you happy.

My husband took in a big breath and tried to smile at our son.

It’s okay, Babe, I said. Do you want me to call anyone? Should I tell your boss? Or Kyle?

No, they might all be in on it, he said.

What in the world is going on over there?

Joe finally was able to speak. "Jimmy had it out for me because I made a joke that must have offended him. He put a garbage can in front of the grinding machine that he knew I’d be using. When the grinding stone I was working on started oscillating, the table it was on hit the garbage can, and it blew up! I