Testimony of Pain and Struggle

By Jerome Ward

AJ story will hopefully pass valuable insight to the injuries one has sustained.

While you the reader senses the pain of a closed minded person realizing just how real the struggle is.

He also will hopefully give an offering of solutions. Which we all need to consider.

Written by. D.D.C. Entertainment Done Deal Chocklet Entertainment

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Oct 4, 2020
• ISBN: 9781665502498

Jerome Ward

The Author has been through the hard knocks of life and has prevailed. He is coming back from a dark place He also is a simple man who loves his family. And during the struggle of life while dealing with much he decided to write this book a testimony of pain and struggle.

Book preview

ESTIMONY OF PAIN

AND STRUGGLE

JEROME WARD

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AuthorHouse™

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.authorhouse.com

Phone: [phone]

© 2020 Jerome Ward. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse  09/30/2020

ISBN: 978-1-6655-0250-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6655-0249-8 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

KJV

Scripture taken from The Holy Bible, King James Version. Public Domain

CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

Preface

Chapter 1 Testimony of Pain and Struggle

Chapter 2 Working with Feelings (W.W.F.)

Chapter 3 Feeling the Funk

Chapter 4 Shit

Chapter 5 Sometimes He Feels

Chapter 6 Why?

Chapter 7 Secrets

Chapter 8 Letting Go to Move Forward

Chapter 9 A Mother’s Love Is

Chapter 10 Emotions

Chapter 11 The Flip

Chapter 12 Party Is Over

Chapter 13 Who Are You?

Chapter 14 To Be True

Chapter 15 Time Is a Strange Thing

Chapter 16 A Single Day

Chapter 17 When He Is by Himself

Chapter 18 To Put Off

Chapter 19 The Law of Attraction: Appreciating the Process of Contrast!

Chapter 20 Ponder on Your Own Moment

Chapter 21 A Step Away

Chapter 22 Some Days

Chapter 23 How a Good Flower Goes Bad

Chapter 24 B-ware of Whatever

Chapter 25 Can’t Sleep

Chapter 26 Remembering

Chapter 27 A Trying Time with Trying News

Chapter 28 Manifestation

Chapter 29 Memory

Chapter 30 To Cope/Not to Cope

Chapter 31 The Battle Cry

Chapter 32 Spiritual Checkup

Chapter 33 A Thought/A Feeling-Perhaps Both

Chapter 34 When We Have No Clue

Chapter 35 Opportunity

Chapter 36 Undeniable Traces

Chapter 37 Silence

Chapter 38 Perhaps

Chapter 39 Time in a Bottle

Chapter 40 Past the Pride

Chapter 41 Ask the Lonely

Chapter 42 Knowing

Chapter 43 Words from Bishop TD Jakes

Chapter 44 The Heart

Chapter 45 Broken

References

Epilogue

About the Author

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I’d like to thank and give praise to our Father God for a lifetime of endless joy, peace and unconditional love. Thank You for Your Son, Jesus Christ.

I am grateful to all those who believed in me. To you, I give eternal thanks.

Thanks to my family who deserve to hear the raw, uncut story of a distraught and broken man with the injuries of a derailed life. To my parents who continue to be a huge support throughout my life, they are powerhouses who morally and financially assisted my wife.

Thanks to my wife for staying the course and to my children, all six of you, who suffered in silence during my absence. Thank you for your visits and support. Thanks to my brother for always being there and my cousin for keeping the family intact. This is for all loved ones!

Special thanks to the men I shared this manuscript with cellie’s: Nap, Spook, Jason, Mr. Walker, Muggs, Ha Ha and Cuba. Thanks for the encouragement to go deeper.

To all who continue to guide this career with genius and finesse, thank you. Thanks to those who are tuned in to this story and are encouraging others who need this story published for these things are happening every day.

Thanks to my editor for your unwavering faith in this labor of love and for polishing this work until it shined. Special thanks to my cousin Tammy. Thanks to those who came to my aid during the struggle and assisted me with transportation, refuge, counseling when I had nothing.

Thanks to Ms. P, who never wavered in her encouragement of my fellow inmates and myself. She helped me believe that each one of us can be successful after prison.

Thanks to the Correctional Officers (C.O.’s) who treated me with respect and allowed me to retain my dignity as a human being. In particular to the C.O.’s I worked within the psych department at Chino, Shoe, Mrs. C, Mr. Jones, Ms. Farrel and department staff were great. Thank you all.

PREFACE

Arthur James (A.J.) feels like he is slowly sinking while watching his world fall into despair. A.J. longs to discover the why and how, even though the answers are right before him. He allowed the serpent in without knowing what was to come. His mind was closed as he created another world to hide his pain, all camouflaged by the nightlife of illegal activities.

He was struggling for decades suppressing any thoughts of what was. His life meant little to him. The loss of status of a six-year career led him on a self-destructive path. Life is a roller-coaster ride driven by emotions.

Not until he was in prison did he learn to release his hurt and allow his injuries to finally heal. Unseen forces and entities pushed and pulled his thinking until it was held in a box. A box of one’s own creation.

His silence changed nothing and sealed the deal of his demise.

TESTIMONY OF PAIN AND STRUGGLE

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B eing at odds with an angry sky.

By not respecting the power of words, we deny ourselves the power to change our lives.

Words are the most powerful tools invented by humans. To realize that words are the fuel to our brain and our greatest asset as well as our biggest liability.

Any person who tries to change what comes naturally will end up disappointed.

When watching the world from the outside and nobody will let you in.

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When we are going through it and life seems so hard, one wants to simply give up from the confusion that swirls around us.

A.J. feels like dying for he has no clue why his world is so broken. He just can’t give up on the how and why. Things keep haunting him.

In the search for the two, how and why.

He finds something which has a stronghold on his wife Linda. He needs to seriously stop and check himself for the decisions he is making. There is no thought of his or his family’s future.

When life throws us a curve we are not prepared for, it can be devastating. And now you are feeling as if you just ran into a dead end. Now what do you do?

He’s feeling like his life isn’t his. It seems to be a horrible nightmare.

He needs to man up on the situation that has presented itself. Yet when one has been hit so hard to where his heart just wants to stop.

It can be so hard; it may seem easier to just die.

During his search, he meets someone who changes his life and now at this moment he wants to live for what he has found, someone to love.

In a perfect world, boy meets girl and they fall in love and live happily ever after.

Or a man with children falls in love with a woman with children and they live out the rest of their lives together. But in this case, it’s only a dream. The reality of it is that we as people struggle to find life outside of oneself, only to realize that the life we seek is within.

Live each day as a day of discovery. We all are individuals seeking a quest!

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It’s June 1987: He is unfocused on what he must do while slipping into a false reality of what is and not knowing what is to come, all while making decisions on emotions without looking at what he has. He is throwing away his future because he has no visions while being caught in the moment, the moment of feelings or working with feelings (W.W.F.)!

WORKING WITH FEELINGS (W.W.F.)

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W orking with feelings:

Whether it’s a good feeling, perhaps a bad feeling, maybe love or hate feeling; it all touches the heart and soul.

For we keep our hearts locked so tight, at times not allowing anyone or anything in. (missing out on so much). One may lose their breath you then must take-in some air to continue on this thought. working with feelings!

Finding himself fighting the thought as well as the action of expressing true friendship while in prison. Too many trying to analyze him. When he speaks many here ready to convict him for the words he chooses to speak!

One must really think before he puts himself out there. Expressing the heart to another too quickly may be painful; even at times deadly. (For if he was to react which is in his mind. He would slaughter his own). So, he simply just smiles and let-it-go, finding it hard to express his deepest and most sensitive emotion, love! To those who really think they know. For these new cats; he really doesn’t feel he has to explain it!

It’s so hard to show what one knows to someone who knows it all, stuck in their ways, while working with feelings. And now he is looking at you as if you’re crazy. (maybe)

Shit, he has seen death and it doesn’t even faze him. Seems to be some type of rest.

Two things that’s for sure death and taxes! (No way around it). It’s just a way one dies that gets him. This is why it’s hard for him to go there while being in prison.

Being told by those who know and have love for him; stating he’s crazy all throughout his life; hearing he’s so whatever. Hmm!

Deciding that he’ll allow you to be the judge for yourself; if you would or should ever cross each other’s path. But for now, he’ll just smile and keep it pushing! For to explain it would only confuse you. If we’re there, you will know just how he felt. being trapped in a cell of gloom. It’s just what it is gloomy. (There’s nothing fly about prison)."

Yet, there are times though when you’re in that cell and Its pure energy, electric.

His time is very enlightening on how one should expose his feelings! Learn to value these feelings, for it’s a part of your treasure. Trust no man or woman. (Trust in God).

Beware of those who try to lock into your feelings too fast. Learn to trust that inner voice! Most importantly, learn to listen;. And then in your mind you could add and subtract what you just heard; so you can give some real thought to whatever you just heard.

He has been down so long some look-up to him; want to get close as if they have love for him. Yet, everything they do or not do speaks volumes to his subconscious.

Time is a strange thing;

knowing that there isn’t an endless amount of it, time!

Remember and try consciously, not to waste any time. We have only a limited supply.

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This is a testimony of his pain and struggles, which led to the struggles and pain of three children, something he struggles with to this day. A strained relationship of two, whom he hoped had loved one another once upon a time, caused the pain.

There is a place which is in your mind and it’s connected to the heart. A very sacred place, where all sorts of emotions are stored.

There have been countless times while away from home, like work, the local market, or simply visiting friends without Linda by his side. A.J. used to get this funky feeling out of nowhere, a feeling so profound that a person couldn’t ignore it! Yet he didn’t want to believe what it was, this funky feeling that something just isn’t right!

He couldn’t ignore it any longer. When he arrived home, shit was real funky.

FEELING THE FUNK

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F eeling the funk! Funk to him is something that just isn’t right. Something that is in your mind for the time being its in the back of all your thoughts.

Then all of a sudden; it pops right to the top of your thoughts! And if you do not dismiss this thought right at that moment, when it pops in your mind. It may take-on a life of its own!

Pretty soon all you’re thinking about is this fucked-up funky feeling. It can’t be good! There has been times in his own life when he has had such a feeling. Sad to say the thoughts he had are so true.

Just imagine foreseeing something before it actually happened.

The funk will be felt in three places. First in your mind; secondly in your gut and third in your heart. And this is where the funk takes a life of its own. When such feelings of the funk comes to you. What will you do?

Will you try to shake the funk? Only to make it funkier! When you know, what you know!

Will you ride with the funk? or will you stir the funk? Only to make it funkier! How will you handle your funky feeling?

He would love to tell you just what he has done when he felt the funk. But, there’s been so many different funky feelings in his lifetime, that he had to write this flow.

SHIT

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W ithin this thought, wanting to take you on a ride with-in your mind.

Dealing with shit we have no control over! Everyday living, bills, self, others, life, death, etc.

While emotions are flowing, energy is high and you’re saying to yourself, here we go again. All you can do is shake your head in disgust. Wanting a good-paying job; but you’ve done nothing to make this happen. With no real structure in your life; no diploma, knowing you can’t move forward in your life without it!

Having no patience for all this; you’re now old enough to do as one pleases without anyone telling you how or when to do it. Yet, life is going nowhere. Just spinning your wheels close to losing it. As time moves on while dealing with this shit which you’ve put yourself into.

The more you try to get out of all this shit, the deeper and funkier it becomes. And now the law has gotten all up in your shit. No longer can you do as you have been doing. The law has you doing shit! And if you do not do as the law has instructed you; you’ll end up in deeper shit or a cell of gloom or worse! It’s overwhelming at times; where do you start?

When did your life start slipping away? Never wanting to listen to anyone else’s shit! Needing a plan, then following through with this plan, returning to the beginning of something new.

Being older while the years have came and gone. You’re stuck in your ways more than ever.

You must ask yourself are you willing to change? But we find excuses not to change, while remaining as you are. Being much older now and still dealing with shit! More than ever now, not only his shit. but others’ shit!

He is constantly checking his shit; he’s tired though. It’s getting to the point where he really doesn’t want to be nice anymore; along with being less considerate.

But, this way of thinking will only put him in deeper shit, than what he is already in.

When it’s all said and done, we all must do it!

Deal with shit!.

Because shit happens. What will be your thought when shit happens In your life? How will you deal with the shit in your life?

Will you add to it? Will you take the very much needed step back to reevaluate some of the shit you’ve gotten yourself into?

For those who are in shit even heading to it, shit.

The world doesn’t owe you shit; but shit!

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When you truly love someone and you commit to each other by not only sharing everything and creating a family, that you really want.

Not knowing of the elements that are creeping inside your life, home and heart. When this feeling would come over him, it was something not very right with home.

As A.J. continues to tell his story of pain and struggles, please try to understand the story within the story to experience the deeper meaning of the story. By ignoring these feelings, he has enabled the going-ons while away by not really listening to those hearts closest to him. He failed himself and his family. He was in love as well as proud of their relationship with Linda and what God has blessed them both with, their beautiful family.

Looking at it all now from this Mississippi prison, he realizes these stories must be told. Not to hurt but to help start the healing of those who struggle with the pain. Realize without a doubt that this course, which has been carved out since his birth, has led him to purpose.

We all need closure and some real understanding. A.J. has to understand you and you need to understand him. Believe this, it was not just on Linda but him as well. Some might say that they were too young, so young in love. Damn, this love hurts, it hurt for quite some time.

He’s injured, hurt set off his pride and his pride hurt those around him. Here he thinks that he has it all together. Being the father of three, functioning with Linda’s family, which is their family and truly believing that this relationship would last forever.

How wrong was he! This situation, these circumstances, this inimical environment was created by unseen forces.

Didn’t see this at all, this funky stuff coming. Keeping it real, he just didn’t want to believe Linda could be so out of control, while showing him love.

Smile now and crying still. Things are happening as if he is on a roller-coaster-ride from hell. Not understand this whole other person, which whom is causing a downward spiral of no return.

SOMETIMES HE FEELS

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S ometimes he feels sad, because he misses those he loves. Sometimes he wants to simply just give-up. But that would be too damn easy!

Sometimes he feels happy for he knows life is worth living for. Sometimes he feels as if there’s no way to go on, but then he says to himself. He must find a way; a way back to love which he misses all too well.

Sometimes he feels mad, because people piss him off, with the dumb shit they do! (non-thinking).

Sometimes he feels cold and numb to the things which around him; no feelings or regard for others. Sometimes he feels hot; not from heat; but from passion! Passion to hold those dear to him to feel the love he’s missing all too well.

Sometimes he feels crazy, crazy with fear; fear of the unknown or sometimes what he knows.

Sometimes he feels

WHY?

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H ow could a person be so in love with a person? To forget all that he/she has ever known?

The two met became lovers, the love is so passionate, it’s unreal, feels like a dream.

The passion is hot for around six years between him and her. Until one day someone or perhaps something has came between this passion. Although the love is still prevalent, there’s a shift, something is missing. (the fire). But, by dismissing all that could be wrong he is no longer thinking with his mind. Instead he is working with old feelings, along with emotions of the passion they once shared.

How does he describe the disadvantage he’s feeling in this moment?

What is it?

A diminishing love is his only description. He has deprived himself of the truth of this denounced, disappointing relationship.

Despite what his instincts are telling him; his emotions have overpowered his rational way of thinking.

Feeling deserted, disarranged. Despite the disappointment along with the disappearance of those he loves so passionately; to deprive him of his children is cruel.

The presumption that he is broken is very true. There is a need deep down in his bones, which needs to know, why!

How could she? What is it which has her passion?

It’s so intense, where the mind goes when the heart is broken, while still breaking into pieces. He’s trying to be normal. But what is normal. By going to work, maintaining their place, he used to call home.

Holding-in his thoughts for so long, he wants to explode! A time bomb ticking, tick, tock, tick, tock!

He is on the hunt, looking for the whys. The way she has chosen to live. This journey has took him into a depressing state and dark places. Despite all the warning signs.

He proceeds to go deeper and deeper into this darkness. Having such a strong desire to find the answer to his now-consuming riddle! (why).

Problem with this is; why goes on infinity and beyond.

With-in this darkness, he is becoming distant to those who care and love him so very deeply. Look, there she goes Linda; she doesn’t look the same, something is so out of place different about her. She won’t give him the time of day and she is out of his reach.

The passionate love is gone and now he is living in his own personal hell;

Why???

Don’t allow your emotions to blunder your intellect!

SECRETS

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W hy do we hold onto secrets? Secrets we dare to share with another! Something that we hold deep inside never wanting to speak of.

The further inside we keep it, trying to submerge it, depending on what it is. A secret buried this deep is most likely hurtful, shameful, perhaps painful. Eating at your every thought secrets.

It’s frustrating at times to come to terms with-it. And now you’re finding it easier to just lie! Believing it’s those consequences of the secret. The wonder of someone finding out your secret.

What would happen if it gets out? Would you feel better if you let-it-out? Who will this secret affect? How will this secret influence another?

This secret has caused a chain of events in your life for far too long. This secret weighs you down at times; it seems to consume you, making you worry about yourself, while questioning yourself, even talking to yourself!

What one needs to do is check yourself!

Doing anything and everything to protect this secret is all that you do; The person you’ve become isn’t the person you want to be. Lies you’ve told to not tell this secret.

Things you do share are now questionable to others. Those who used to trust you, no longer believe things you say, for things you speak about has been untruthful.

What secrets have you caught-up? Is it that bad? Does it hurt that deep? Are you trapped under this secret?

There are good and bad secrets. He is writing about those bad ones, those that twist one’s way of thinking! Those secrets that cloud one’s rational way of thinking!

Those good secrets, we really don’t trip on. Everyone loves surprises, gifts, parties, a step-up from where you are at, etc. The secret you cannot wait to tell for the happiness it will bring; perhaps it will bring joy to someone.

Then there’s those half-truths the so-called secrets. Those saw or heard, but really doesn’t understand. Only hearing those partial conversations, seeing those brief sightings; when in all actuality you saw only part of it, then added the rest of it.

What you thought you saw or thought you heard is all gossip; and now you’re spreading rumors!

Now the secret is about you and how you love to talk about nothing speaking on half-truths.

No one who knows you, can trust you with any secrets!

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There are many struggles within one’s life: (bills, working, grinding, living etc.). Struggles that will tear you down as well as make you better.

There is struggles that will change one’s whole way of thinking or not.

A.J.’s slice of truth is real along with the inner battle with the inner-person, himself. It’s a battle like no other. He is not a liar or one who makes up stories just to be heard. Or to make believe that he is important. Hmm!!!

He is just a human trying to understand, him. Although his actions have been very hurtful. He needs to say just how sorry, that he is.

Sorry, to his victims, they did not deserve him acting out his pain, behind his bad choices. All he can say is that he was reckless and was not thinking.

It was his mind-set back then, thinking how he had to get his first; before you get yours.

Here lies another kind of struggle, with the self. Yet it’s all the same old song, around the whole world; for the world is a ghetto.

Many loving him; yet at the same moment he cannot stand who he has become.

A distant person along with a deep silence. Most of the time he was trying to figure it all out, but couldn’t. He only reacted and now his reactions has him reevaluating him. It’s not easy talking about the pain in any life; but everyone’s slice of truth needs to be told.

A testimony of pain, the struggles, the hurt in any person’s life. Hoping his stories help at least one, while many simply understand. There’s a need, a very strong need to allow the star in a person to be released.

We must learn to recognize intent and know how to tap into the power of intent.

If you’ve ever been in love, the love between two, hoping it would never end and now you’re stuck; trying to figure out why.

Searching for a way to fix it, yet the more one tries, the further out of reach things get. Doing anything and everything to make this work. The more you try to suppress it, the harder it becomes to cope.

Nobody wants to speak of the ugly things which are in the heart. We as people hold in all the pain, all the hurt, until! Well, until it’s really all bad.

Today one time (the police), is knocking at his door, asking questions about his spouse. One time telling him of the going-ons around his home.

A home which is depleting right before his eyes; yet, he doesn’t see it.

Neighbors who became very good friends, tried to tell A.J. in subtle ways, trying to spare him and his children the pain of knowing. Knowing of the going-ons when he wasn’t home. While at work, making a good living for the family.

Linda has the luxury to be a stay-at-home mother. Staying at home while he worked, is an understatement.

She was everywhere but home while she dragged their children with her. Two young boys, while pregnant with their third child. Didn’t think she would hurt those she gave birth to or the one she was carrying. He trusted her and he was deceived.

Can’t help but wonder as he writes this; What did his boys and unborn child experience, while she was on her episodes.

LETTING GO TO MOVE FORWARD

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T he love he lost. When their relationship transpired it was a beautiful thing. He would love to believe that they both were in love; if they could agree for the moment.

With three children it had to be something there. Never realizing just how unhappy she was. They were just getting started with their lives.

Marrying her not only because they have children. He really cared, really loved her, wanting their love to last. It meant the world to him. to be able to raise their family. Yet, the love was so full of scandal!

People sometimes need space and time to move forward in love. Life is so unpredictable and crazy. When you’re young, no one can tell us anything.

His problem he loved her so much. He did not understand what had her at this time. Not wanting to see her with anyone else. Still can’t see what has her. Seeing only his family falling apart. Not wanting to let go. He couldn’t admit to himself that things aren’t the same.

He couldn’t savor how sour it is the relationship. Who is the blame for breaking up their family? Perhaps they took it as far as they could, he is guessing. Without pointing fingers, because there’s enough blame to place on them both.