The Journey of a Clueless Christian: A Memoir

By Deborah Conroy

Have you ever been on a journey? Journeys can be fun like going on an awesome trip. We all enjoy this type of journey. But journeys can also find you walking through some hard times and finding yourself worn out. There are twists and turns and unexpected situations as you continue your journey of seeking purpose and guidance from the One who created us.
My journey has seen some amazing things as I sought God to walk with me. There were some painful and difficult situations to walk through also, but I was never alone. God was walking with me through so many ups and downs.
In this book, you will get a peek into a real family with real issues at times. Through the years, God has worked in our hearts and lives, and for that I am very thankful. Our journey is still continuing, but for now I hope you enjoy and are encouraged by the stories from a clueless Christian.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: May 22, 2023
• ISBN: 9798888327678

Book preview

Chapter 1

Starting at Clueless

The word clueless is defined as ignorant, unaware, or uninformed. Those words were a perfect description of me when it came to spiritual truth and what I knew about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. In other words, I was clueless as to what God was like and what it meant to be a Christian.

As I was growing up, I wondered at times if God truly did exist. Something deep inside me believed He did, but I was curious as to what He was like and whether or not I could have a relationship with Him. I found myself ignorant, unaware, and uninformed as to what those answers were. Nevertheless, God must have seen my interest and began to move the chess pieces of my life in order to bring me into a relationship with Him. He wanted to make me a child of the King, as clueless as I was about that.

Today I began a Bible study in the book of Esther in the Old Testament. The author shared that the book of Esther begins with these words: This is what happened in the days of the great and glorious Ahasuerus.

She compared this to the phrase once upon a time that many of us grew up hearing in fairy tales. The Hebrew words for the phrase in the beginning of Esther are called a wayhi bime, which only occurs five times in the Scripture.

Interestingly enough, in all five cases where the phrase is mentioned, without exception, they introduce impending catastrophe or doom. All five times they eventually led to happy outcomes, but eventually is the key word here. Rough times came to the people in each of the five stories.

Thankfully, the author shared the golden nugget that brought purpose and hope despite the despair.

She said, "When we trust our lives to the unseen but ever-present God, He will write our lives into His story, and every last one of them will turn out to be a great read with a grand ending."

I can’t say whether this will be a great read for you or not, and I haven’t seen all the grand endings yet either. However, I can say that I’ve had a couple of wayhi bimes in my life and endured some rough times before the happy part came to pass.

Although God did not make my life a fairy tale, He has woven a story. My story isn’t over yet, but I’ve felt led to share with you what He’s woven so far. Inviting God into my life and asking Him to write me into His story was, and is, the best and most important decision I’ve ever made.

We are either writing our own story or allowing God to write us into His story. The two are very different. To give you a glimpse of how God draws us into His story, I’ll begin with how He started moving His chess pieces in my life. The King of the Universe was seeking me in order to bring me into His kingdom. But I had no idea.

While I was growing up, the words God and Jesus were spoken occasionally in my home; but unfortunately, they were only used as a form of slang. My parents seemed to have a flare for using those words, but I think they were a little clueless themselves in what they were actually saying. However, it seemed normal to me; and as a teenager, I began using God’s name as slang also. I loved saying, Oh my god, I can’t believe that! I thought I sounded so cool.

Later in my life, a verse in the Bible completely changed my perspective and my heart as to how I used the name of God and Jesus. I realized I was using God’s name in a way that dishonored the vastness of who He really was. When I saw that I was degrading Him, I dropped those words like a hot potato. Well, who really picks up a hot potato with their hands anyway? Maybe that wasn’t the best analogy, but it’s what came to my mind, so I’m going with it. You get what I mean.

My parents didn’t pursue God in any way that was evident to me. Despite this, my sisters—Linda and Carla—and I had a good life and treasure fond memories growing up. I admired my parents in many ways. They weren’t against God, but I don’t think they knew how He could be real in their daily lives. Of course I didn’t know either at that time, so we were all confused on that subject.

At a young age, I began to say a prayer each night before I went to bed. I don’t really know why I said it or who taught me the prayer.

The prayer went, Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. Amen. At times I wondered, Why am I so committed to this prayer? I don’t even know if God is listening, nor do I have any idea of what He’s really like.

Yet night after night, I dropped down on my knees and said that prayer to Him. He must have known… Someday, young lady, you are going to know Me much better than you do now, but it will be a while. You have much to learn, but I will show you the truth of who I really am in my appointed time. I do think there may be an appointed time for many of us who want to know more about God but really don’t know how to know Him.

One time when I was in my teens, my dad saw me praying my prayer. He came in and sat beside me on the bed. With tears in his eyes, he said, Honey, I’m so proud of you for praying every night. I haven’t done well in teaching you and your sisters anything about God.

During my fifth-grade year at school, my teacher shocked me by saying, I have a challenge for you. If anyone wants to memorize the hundredth psalm, I will bring a homemade chocolate cake and give a good-sized piece to everyone who is able to recite it to me.

I was not about to pass that opportunity up. Chocolate-cake lover that I am, I memorized that psalm and enjoyed a great piece of cake.

However, at the time, the meaning of the words did not sink into my heart. Years later in my adult life, I realized the truths of that psalm that she was trying to plant in our hearts. At the time, my ten-year-old mindset was only thinking of myself and the reward I would get. Chocolate cake was clearly my objective. Even though it took years, I eventually grasped the full meaning of what my teacher had wanted me to learn.

Sadly, my teacher never saw it in me for herself. No matter. She was faithful to plant the seed by encouraging me to memorize the psalm.

Over the last twenty-some years, I have planted many seeds of God’s Word in teens who have often taken broken paths. I know that I may not see the flower blooming in them, but like my fifth-grade teacher who never saw it for herself in me, I was faithful in planting. The day came when the seed that she had faithfully encouraged me to memorize blossomed. Well, maybe enticed me is a better word. Chocolate cake is hard to pass up.

I know that for the teens I have shared with, in God’s timing, those seeds may bloom into something beautiful. It’s God’s part to bring in the harvest and mine to plant the seeds just like my teacher did for me. As I think about it, I might have done a bit of enticing with teens also. Does a candy bar qualify as enticing them? Yep, I’m guilty.

Just last week, I was walking into a building downtown, and a young man was sitting outside. There was something familiar about him. He smiled, and I said something about it being a nice day.

Then to my surprise, he said, You don’t remember me, but I was in the Eaton County Juvenile Center, and I remember you coming in every week.

It had been twelve years since he had been in the juvenile facility, and he was in his late twenties at this time. I loved it when you came every week, and it helped me a lot, he said with a grin.

We had a good time reminiscing, and I walked away realizing that my part is simply to plant truth, and God’s part is to work in hearts. I may never see most of what God is doing in the teens I share with, but sometimes He gives me a glimpse like He did that day. It was a God moment that I enjoyed immensely.

I believe God does His best to draw us to Him. If He sees any minute interest in us, He plants people and circumstances in our lives to lead us closer to His truths. In my case, He had an entire family to reach.

As I look back through my life, God was consistently at work trying His best to show me who He was. It began with the neighbors who invited me to church as a child, even though I only went a few times. Then there was my teacher who presented me with a challenge. Eventually I met a boyfriend who knew truth but was not living it. God was at work, showing me tidbits of who He was. As clueless as I was, He never gave up on me. He was slowly building a bridge between us, but I was not quite ready to cross that bridge yet.

Thankfully, God is patient when my stubbornness goes too far. My husband, Jon, and my kids…well, they might still think I’m a bit stubborn. Just saying.

God has a sense of humor. He’d have to in order to deal with all of our messes. He must shake His head and chuckle sometimes at our arrogance in thinking we know so much about Him. I was pretty arrogant in my first response to hearing what God’s way of salvation was. It was incredulous to me that anyone believed what I was hearing. But He must love the challenge, as I’m sure He did with me and some of my (shall I say) arrogant comments.

I was a lot like Ben whom I met in one of the detention facilities I go to. I walked into the gym when Ben asked me who I was and what I was there for.

When I explained, he responded with a quick comeback. I can’t talk to you. I’m an atheist, he said proudly.

I looked at him and grinned. The last I knew, an atheist can still talk, I said.

He shrugged, grinned back, and answered, Why not, as he tossed his basketball across the gym, and off we went for a talk.

Over the course of a few weeks, we had many conversations. I would share some of my stories and verses from the Bible, and he would talk about his life. During one of our conversations, Ben said, Okay, I’m ready.

Ready for what? I said.

You know what, he answered. I want to ask Jesus into my life.

I just stared at him for a few seconds, a bit in shock.

He cocked his head and said, I’m serious. Are you going to pray with me or not?

We held hands, and I prayed for a minute. Then Ben began to pray. It was one of the most sincere prayers I have ever heard. Ben’s name was written in the Book of Life that day, with Jesus smiling through tears of joy.

Our stubbornness and ridiculous ideas about God do not offend Him one bit. As it was for Ben, the atheist who couldn’t talk to me, God simply said, In My time, Ben, you will know me.

God had to say the very same thing to me when I was Ben’s age. I threw out a challenge, and God said, I’m glad you said that. It was an invitation for Me to meddle with you! Little did I know I was about to face God on the tennis court of life, and His serves were much more powerful than mine. The clueless one was about to meet the Creator.

Verses:

You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain [that is, irreverently, in false affirmations or in ways that impugn the character of God]; for the Lord will not hold guiltless nor leave unpunished the one who takes His name in vain [disregarding its reverence and its power]. (Exodus 20:7 Amplified Bible [AMP])

Using the name of God in a casual, frivolous way establishes a mindset that diminishes and dishonors the omnipotent God. (Exodus 20:7 footnote)

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.

Worship the Lord with gladness;

come before him with joyful songs.

Know that the Lord is God.

It is he who made us, and not we ourselves;

we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving

and his courts with praise;

give thanks to him and praise his name.

For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;

his faithfulness continues through all generations. (Psalm 100 New International Version [NIV])

The Lord does not delay [as though He were unable to act] and is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is [extraordinarily] patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance. (2 Peter 3:9 AMP)

Chapter 2

I Don’t Believe That!

It began with a simple conversation between my boyfriend, Jon, and me. I can’t remember how the subject started, but it was about whether someone was going to heaven or not.

I remember Jon saying to me, That’s not how you go to heaven. You have to be saved.

I looked at him as if he was speaking a foreign language, which it pretty much was to me at that time. What are you talking about? I shot back.

Jon explained as best he could, Jesus died for us, and we can receive forgiveness for our sins if we ask Him. He said, We can invite Him into our lives and learn to follow what His plan is for us. That makes us belong to Him and go to heaven when we die.

It caught me completely by surprise. I had never given the subject too much thought, but I was certain if there was such a place as heaven, I would undoubtedly go there someday. After all, I was one of the good guys. Well, I thought I was anyway. Now here was Jon using words like saved, sin, forgiveness, and Jesus; and he was telling me I didn’t qualify.

Let me get this straight, I said. "You are saying that even though I’m a good person, if I don’t get saved as you call it—whatever that means—then I won’t go to heaven?"

Jon looked at me and said, Yes.

So have you done this ‘saved thing’? I asked.

He admitted he had not.

Well, I responded, with an air of defiance, that’s the craziest thing I ever heard of, and I do not believe it!

Oh, the grace that God gives us when He watches us and listens to the very foolish things we say. He knew the prayers I had said at night for years and was on His way to showing me truth, but I didn’t realize it at the time. In my mind, there were good people and bad people, and I certainly fit into the good people category. Although I’m pretty sure if someone had asked my sisters’ opinions, they may not have come to the same conclusion at that time in my life. I could be a self-centered person, especially to them.

What Jon said stuck in my mind, and I began to ponder the craziness of it. I even asked my dad if he had ever heard of such a thing, being saved. I was shocked when he told me he knew all about it, and as far as I could tell, he believed it. My dad was confirming the very thing Jon had said.

At this point, I blurted out, Wait. You’re telling me you believe this, yet you have never even bothered to mention it to me?

He shared with me that as a child, he had sensed God speaking to him personally, but he had rejected Him. In his mind, he was a hopeless sinner. Actually he said he was a damned old sinner, but hopeless sounds a bit nicer. As I said, my parents had a flare for those words. But there was another new concept for me. Sinner—what in the world did that mean?

Time went on, and although I didn’t do anything about it, the concept of being a sinner continued to come to my mind occasionally. What was the real truth? I didn’t know it, but God was actively pursuing me, and I was about to find that out.

The turning point came when I was at Jon’s house one evening. A couple of people from the church he had grown up in stopped by to visit his family. They mentioned to Jon they had not seen him at church for a long time and would love to have him visit again.

Maybe I’ll come next Sunday, Jon said.

Little did I know that God was in this, and it would be the beginning of change for me. I went to church with Jon that Sunday. Still, I was pretty clueless…well, totally clueless is more accurate. As I listened to the sermon, I sensed that there was truth in what the preacher was saying.

On our way home, I said to Jon, I think maybe I’ll go again next week. I glanced over to see his reaction.

He raised his eyebrows and clenched the steering wheel, and with a humph, he said, If you do, you’re going by yourself because I’m not going.

I wasn’t surprised at Jon’s response, but this was way out of the box for me. To go to a church all by myself where I didn’t know anyone was not something I looked forward to. However, the next Sunday, I did just that. Something was drawing me, and I just had to go.

On week 3, Jon went to church with me. It was the week before he was leaving for Marine Corps boot camp. For those of you too young to know, back in the day, when a guy reached nineteen, he received a lottery number based on his birth date. This determined when, or if, he would be drafted. It was during the war in Vietnam, and Jon’s number was lucky 13. He had voluntarily joined the marine reserves for the next six years and was leaving that week for six months of basic training in San Diego, California. Jon’s brother had already been drafted two years prior and was coming home soon.

That third Sunday when Jon went to church with me again, they sang a song at the end of the service and invited people to come forward and pray to be saved.

There it was again…that word. But this time there was something going on inside of me. It was deeper than my mind—something in my heart and spirit, telling me I had never trusted Jesus for salvation. I had a deep sense of desire to do just that.

But…they wanted me to get out of the pew and walk down that long aisle, then kneel and pray. There was no way I could do that. My heart was pounding, and I felt such a desire to do it. Still, I was way too chicken to take that first step.

As I was standing there in my misery, feeling so torn, Sandra, a girl my age whom I slightly knew, came over and said to me, If you’d like to go up front and pray, I’ll go with you.

I pondered that for a second and decided that maybe, if she went with me, I could do this. Thus, I began the walk toward my eternal life. I didn’t have any idea of all that Jesus had done for me and how much I needed Him, but I did believe, and as best I could, I asked for His forgiveness and His salvation.

That day I became a child of God, a saved person in February of 1971, at almost nineteen years of age. God had heard my statements of unbelief and took the challenge head-on. I surrendered. I had a lot to learn about myself and about God, but the journey had begun. I had no idea what to expect.

I’ve often pondered over the years about the timing of God—sending those two people from church to Jon’s house, and the coincidence that both Jon and I happened to be there when they came. What are the odds of that? God’s sovereignty put us there that night. We would never have considered going to church without them stopping by, and I would not have received God’s gift of salvation. Maybe I never would have. I do know God was pursuing me, and He used those people to bring me to a place where I could hear the gospel. Someday in heaven I want to thank them for giving of their time on a weeknight, a visit that led me to put my trust in Jesus. It will be exciting for me to meet them again.

As I write this, it has been a fifty-year journey, and I am still on the path. I’ve come to realize that we all are on a journey in life. Some of us are on our own journey with our own plans and purposes. I was on that journey myself in my early years. There are some of us who are on a journey with Jesus, seeking His plans for our lives. I’m glad I found that path to start walking on.

On the path Jesus leads us on, we experience faith, trust, surrender, and other lessons. It is where we see life through spiritual eyes, and our life lessons build character and greater faith in us. It is a journey worth following because it doesn’t end when we leave this world. There is eternal purpose on this journey.

My desire is that a few of the things I’ve learned along the path may encourage some of you to consider this path with Jesus. Maybe you have already started. Possibly you’ve never considered inviting Jesus into your life, and you’re still not sure, but something is nudging you, as it did me.

If you have been on this path for a long time, you may be weary. Trust me, I’ve been there. Weariness still creeps up from time to time. There are hills and there are valleys in our journey with Jesus. As fellow sojourners, I hope you can find some shade to sit in for a bit while we learn how to keep on walking our path of faith.

There will be challenges for all of us on this journey, but we need to reach the finish line together. Hopefully my own stories of faith in the midst of marriage, kids, grandkids, friends, bad times, and good times will encourage you wherever you are in this walk of life. So grab a cool drink, sit back, relax, and enjoy The Journey of a Clueless Christian.

Verses:

If you declare with your mouth, Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. (Romans 10:9–10 NIV)

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. (Ephesians 2:8–9 NIV)

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 6:23 NIV)

And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. Whoever has the Son has life; whoever does not have the Son of God does not have life. (1 John 5:11–12 NIV)

Chapter 3

Now What Do I Do?

After my initial step of faith, I began attending church but didn’t feel too different. I found myself wondering if Jesus had really accepted me. Wasn’t I supposed to be different now? I had no idea how to live out my newfound faith.

I had no understanding of how to seek and listen to the Spirit of God who now lived in me, nor did I open the Bible to read it. Therefore, I initially didn’t change too much, especially on the inside. I focused more on outside changes at first. I lived by conformity for quite a while before I began to allow Jesus to bring His transformation in me. What I did eventually discover is that when I tried to conform, it left me empty. But when I allowed God to transform me from the inside out, it brought joy.

There are definitely things we should not conform to that the world throws at us. We also need to learn to listen to what God is convicting us about.

My first experience with trying to conform was to give up music I liked. I bought a nice console stereo with money I earned in my high school years and had some great albums. Does anyone remember those? I listened to the Beach Boys and many other bands in that era. I loved them.

In my newfound faith in God, someone from church said it was wrong to listen to that type of music. With deep sadness, I threw my albums in the trash thinking I was pleasing God.

That day, the boyfriend of my sister Linda caught sight of them in the trash. Hey, Deb, are you really getting rid of those albums? If you are, do you care if I take them? he asked me. I told him he could have them.

Now I’d like to say I had a deep sense of peace and was glad that I did it, but I would be lying. There was no peace or joy. I had no sense of Jesus saying, Way to go, Deb. Awesome choice. I just felt sad and somewhat embarrassed. Jon thought I was crazy to give them away. He still reminds me of that once in a while. We just laugh.

I never owned those albums again, but I did eventually listen to those songs that I enjoyed. I love all kinds of music. I love Christian music and the oldies but goodies from the ’60s when I was a teen. I love the old hymns also. But I feel at peace listening to all of them.

What I discovered is that I was listening to people, not to God. It wasn’t Jesus who was convicting me about music. Now I must say that a lot of what young people listen to today is not good. There is much darkness in some of the music, and it makes my heart sick for what their minds are being filled with.

For me, I had to learn to listen to the voice of God and what He wanted. It was a slow process. Romans 12:2 commands us not to conform to the world. Conformity results from listening to what others say and changing our behavior to impress or fit in to what others are doing. The same verse says, But be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Transformation comes from the work of the Holy Spirit inside you where you truly see life from God’s perspective through His Word. As your mind changes about an issue that the Spirit of God is nudging you about, it seems to connect with your heart.

My first bit of transformation was choosing to get baptized. This was something I was sensing internally, and I knew the Bible clearly stated the importance of baptism. I felt that nudging coming from God, and somehow knew it was important to Him. I was a bit nervous about it, but I took that next step, and my parents came to support me. My dad especially seemed to be very proud that I was getting baptized.

As I came up out of the water that Sunday evening, I felt a surge of inner peace and joy. I knew it was Jesus saying, Welcome to my family; and I knew for sure, at that moment, that I did belong to Him.

Several months later, one of my aunts came to visit us for the weekend. Her husband was my dad’s brother who had recently passed away. I barely knew this aunt, but before she came, my mom shared a little about Aunt Phyllis.

Your aunt is very religious, so maybe you should ask her to go to church with you, she advised.

I was hesitant to ask, not sure if she would want to, but she was thrilled when I asked her. So on Sunday, off we went together while my parents stayed home. After church, on the drive home, Aunt Phyllis could hardly contain herself as she blurted out, Are you saved?

This new word, saved, that I hadn’t even heard of a few months prior seemed to come at me from every direction now. I told her yes I was, and she was elated. Aunt Phyllis shared with me a story about my dad doing some very special things for her a while back when her husband was in the University of Michigan hospital. She was from a small community in northern Michigan, and the thought of trying to find her way around Ann Arbor was terrifying to her. My dad had taken time off work to help her.

I had no money to repay your dad, and I knew he wouldn’t take it if I offered, so I decided that the most important thing I could do for him was to pray for his salvation. And now you tell me that you have just gotten saved. God is beginning to answer my prayers, and He’s starting with you!

Well, this was news to me. I had no idea anyone had actually been praying for anyone in my family, and now I learned that Aunt Phyllis had been praying for my dad. She was a precious little lady whom I hardly knew during my childhood. Hmm…I’ve often pondered that, and I do believe it was the prayers