My Toothbrush Smells like Ass!: Outrageous Complaints of Airline Passengers

By Francis F. Farrell

While most passengers write to the airline after travel to complain of the usual flight delays, cancellations, and rude employees, there are more serious complaints submitted to the DOT, the FAA, or the BBB, when people experience lost children who were traveling as unaccompanied minors, passengers with disabilities, denied boardings due to oversold flights, sexual harassment, discrimination, or issues with animals traveling as cargo. Most of these complaints are legitimate, but this is a compilation of emails and letters from the last twenty years that have stood out as funny, ridiculous, obscene, or just "plane" crazy. So buckle up and ENJOY!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: May 2, 2023
• ISBN: 9798887937922

Book preview

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My Toothbrush Smells like Ass!

Outrageous Complaints of Airline Passengers

Francis F. Farrell

Copyright © 2023 Francis F. Farrell

All rights reserved

First Edition

PAGE PUBLISHING

Conneaut Lake, PA

First originally published by Page Publishing 2023

Cover Design by Nora M. Kamberos

For more information, please visit:

http://mytoothbrushsmellslikeass.com

ISBN 979-8-88793-779-3 (pbk)

ISBN 979-8-88793-792-2 (digital)

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Dedicated to the memory of John V. Vedder, one of the funniest people, ever. Taken from us way too soon.

Introduction

Is This Seat Taken?

It Pooped All Over My Foot

The 450-Pound Noxious Man

Cold Vomit Treat

No Ands, Ifs, or Butts

Something Smells Fishy

I Could Not Watch Any Movies!

It Was the Fat Man's Fault!

Calm the Fuck Down

Testicles the Size of Cantaloupes

Filthy Seats!!

Coffee, Tea, or Me?

From A to B, or Is It 1 to 2?

Your Flight Attendant Committed Adultery with My Husband

Forced to Buy Cosmetics

Flirty Flight Attendant

But I'm a Loyalty Club Member!

Funeral Revelry

That's My Purse. It Just Looks Like a Suitcase

Power Trip

There Was a Fly in My Dinner!!!

X-Rated

Sex Hotline Phone #

Traumatic and Grossly Unacceptable

"I Was Violated on Your Airplane! Numerous Times!

Depantsed but Can't Remember Flight

Good Vibrations

A Suboptimal Flying Experience

Employee Was Masturbating. I Have Video

Rude Awakening

Getting Personal

Cracklin' Rosie, Get on Board!

Pack My Bags

Sexless Honeymoon

Big Girl Underwear

Naked Man Turns to Voodoo

Will You Assholes Say Hi to the Guy in the Burning Place Underground for Me?

My Toothbrush Smells Like Ass

Show Me the Money!

Sure, and People in Hell Want Ice Water

Australian Accent = Free Flight?

Flying Turkeys

Four Medical Emergencies in One Year

Manic Spending Spree

And We Have Some Land in Siberia to Sell You

Fear in My Heart, Hunger in My Stomach

I Need Money, Not Certificate!

Gesture of Goodwill (Now Pay Me!)

Discrimination

Discrimination against Assholes

Gay Airline

Kosher Meal Scandal

My Best Friend's Wedding

But You Are Racist!

SERIOUSLY?!?!? (Over-the-Top Rants)

Please Stop Referring to Me as a Man, You Worthless Cunts

Kill Yourself. Have a Nice Day

Of Laptops and Lap Babies

With a Wanion to You

Sticks Up the Ass

Cunt of a Company

Those Tricky E-Certs

Untitled

FUCK YOU ALL UP YOUR STUPID FUCKING ASSES AND MERRY GODDAMM CHRISTMAS

Just Bitchin'

You Actually Suck

Your Employees Are Morons

Terrible 24 Hours

Sustainability and the Sick Passenger

Fine Whine

I Want to Speak with a Customer Service Agent, Not a Farmer!

1962?

Even My Parents Have Never Touched My Head!

No Pajamas!

I've Written the White House…Especially because You Break Guitars

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

About the Author

Dedicated to the memory of John V. Vedder, one of the funniest people, ever. Taken from us way too soon.

Introduction

Anyone who has flown commercially has probably experienced flight delays, lost luggage, uncomfortable seating arrangements, rude passengers and crew, or countless other aggravations associated with air travel. When combined with the stress of travel itself, these incidents often trigger over-the-top reactions from passengers. They want recompence, and they need to vent.

For more than 20 years, I was a customer care representative for a major airline. I had the privilege of being on the receiving end of these complaints. I was called some of the most vulgar names and wished some of the cruelest fates imaginable. Yet I must admit, I laughed out loud at the level of vitriol spewed by these passengers and the outlandishness of their compensation demands.

But I don't envy those in my former position at airlines today. Post-COVID, flight cancellations and delays have only increased. So have the number of bags lost, damaged, or mishandled, despite fewer bags checked. Consequently, complaints by airline passengers have soared and continue to increase.

As you will see by the letters in this book, compensation for the impact these incidents have on passengers is a common theme. The standard airline practice of offering limited voucher refunds is confusing and unsatisfactory to most of the passengers who lodge complaints, often causing them to lash out further.

Some people not even experiencing flight delays ask the airlines for favors, like the guy who thinks having a good Australian accent entitles him to a free trip to Australia or the woman who was robbed of her cash, credit cards, and cell phone while on business in London and asked the airline for a $2,000 loan that she would pay back when she got back home.

The title of this book reflects the tendency to blame the airline for anything that goes wrong before, during, or even after a flight. If, for example, you find your toothbrush smells funny after a flight, an airline employee must have done something to it. I dealt with countless incidences of this kind. I kept many of these letters and decided to share the more entertaining