The Grieving Diary of Losing a brother

By Heather Williams

When it comes to life, we all assume we are invincible and so are our love ones. Yet nothing ever prepares you for the loss of a sibling . How do we deal with it? I lost my brother Rob to Bowel Cancer at the age of 44 and decided to keep a diary throughout his final months, in order to cope with caring for my brother and the sadness I had bottled up. Sooner or later the grief flows and you have to navigate your own ways through. I am sharing my story in the hope to raise funds for Marie Curie and to help others out there.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Apr 7, 2023
• ISBN: 9781447756989

Book preview

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Acknowledgments

To write a diary at the best of time is difficult, and to be able to write about the lead up to losing a love one, followed on by grief takes courage. Not something I would have expected to do. The written entries started off as a place to express the pain and disbelieve at the sudden way Rob fell ill I couldn’t process it and felt keeping a diary would help. Little did I know it would continue on through the painful time of grieving and finding away through the pain we all have to live with.

This has been an emotional journey my family and I have been on the past three years. Firstly I would like to pay tribute to my wonderful Mum and Dad (Mary and Stephen Williams), for be incredibly supportive. They have lost a son and still they are there for us through it. Keeping us together and sharing our memories.

I would like to thank all of Rob’s friends and colleagues for sharing their memories of him and allowing some of them moments to be featured in this book. A Special mention to two of Rob’s best mates: Mark O’Donnell and Derek Cleeter for being there for Rob.  To all his friends that visited Rob in his final months and lifted his spirts in them tough times.

With covid restrictions we weren’t able to have the funeral Rob had wanted, only a few people could attend, and many more had to watch the service on live stream. As a result we decided to hold a small garden event of letting balloons go in South London. Thank you to Lisa Ohara, another good friend of Rob’s who helped to orgainse and host the event at her home.

I would like to thank my loving partner Earl Hyde for his continuous support and love he has given me through the grieving process and encouraging me to publish.

Thank you for reading Rob’s story, all I want to do is keep his memory alive for his little boy and to raise as much as we can for Marie Curie. Feel free to donate in Rob’s memory on his just give page: This is Rob’s just give page, raising funds for Marie Curie  https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/robwilliams44

IBAN: 9781447768333

Disclaimer: Please note the copy writes of the book belong to Heather Williams and proceeds raised will be donated to Marie Curie

The Grieving Diaries of losing a brother.

When it comes to life, we all assume we are invincible and so are our love ones. Yet nothing ever prepares you for the loss of a relative, dear friend or colleague unexpectedly.  We do believe we are destined to live long and fulfilling lives. Never did I expect to be sat around my kitchen table writing a book about my own personal journey through the grieving process. Yet I feel compelled to allow my emotions to flow openly in order to process this terrible pain and deep sadness that’s ripping through every inch of my body. The waves of emotions and tears that hit you when you least expect it. I have come to realise there is no right or wrong way of coping with grieve, we are all individual.

Two and a half years ago my world came crashing down when I watched my brother Rob pass away from bowel cancer at the age of 44. The unfairness and cruelty was evident to all that knew him and visited Rob in his final months. To me Rob always stood tall and walked fast, he wasn’t the most conventional stereotype of a sibling. He would always have us laughing with his humour and outrageousness. A terrible tease, he would use humour to make light of our life situations and choices. Lighten the seriousness, while offering brotherly advice, which at times was quite abrupt. Yet he meant well. We had our moments, what siblings don’t?  Generally, we were close. 

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The grieving process has taken me to the depths of despair. Shifting foundations to such a degree, the stability and family unit I once cherished has fundamentality changed. A family unit of five is now four. How do I address this? How do I find a new norm, without feeling gripped by guilt of dishonouring my brother’s memory? I feel guilty to express the way I feel, especially around my parents, afterall they have lost their son. How can you ever make life better for them? Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries heighten all our emotions.

That’s why I am sat here in my kitchen all alone, reflecting on the past two and half years. Reading over previous diary entries and comprising Rob’s life and final months as it unfolded. In the hope of helping others out there to feel empowered to share their own journey.

I started writing a diary during the time Rob was in hospital as a way of processing my thoughts. More of away to cope with the emotional impact and to be able to look back on entries and reflect on the final months we had with Rob. Capturing them deeply personal moments many families can relate to. It’s taken awhile to be in the right mindset to publish this book. In the early days it was too painful to read. Three years on I’m still very much grieving, but have reached a point in my life where I just want to do good in this world. To support Marie Curie and continue there wonderful work, by sharing my own story and keeping Rob’s memory alive.

I am going to start from the beginning of the journey, when Rob was well. When life was simple.

Introduction: The Background of Rob and his journey through life

One of my driving forces for writing this book was to fulfil one of my final promises to my beloved brother Rob. To honour his memory and to ensure his much loved son Michael will be able to learn about his dad, as he grows up. The situation regarding his son has caused Rob incredible heartache in his final months.

This book is to honour Rob’s memory and to celebrate the fun moments we had with him over forty-four years. With the help our parents, family and indeed Robs friends. We will create a fantastic book. In the hope his son will one day get to learn what a fantastic Dad Rob was.

Chapter One: The Beginning:

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On the 7th September 1976 Robert Stephen Williams was born at St Helier’s Hospital, Sutton, to Mary and Stephen Williams. His first home was rooms above a shop in Stafford road, Wallington, Surrey. As newlyweds, our parents were finding their feet in the world with a new born baby. Living in times where you had to find your own way to survive. Our Dad was always a grafter and provided for his family. Rob was very much doted by Nanny Williams, Grandad and Nanny Scanlon. As well as Great Nanny Hurley, who used to allow him to splash about with pots and pans in her sink. He loved nothing more than spending time with Nanny Williams, Auntie Doll and all his cousins at his Nan’s home in Acre Lane Carshalton.

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As Rob grew up, they moved to Marchmont Road Wallington to a ground floor flat. Being newlyweds and bringing up a baby was very tough, especially financially for such a young couple starting out. They would go without to ensure Rob had everything he needed in his early days. Eventually life started looking up for the family, when my parents were offered a council place

At Hadran close, Roundshaw Wallington.  Our Dad was a lorry driver for Southdown Laundry, delivering all over London. Rob always spoke with fondness of his time spent in Dad’s lorry helping him with his deliveries in the school holidays. Not to mention the funny stories they shared along the way.

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A couple of years after Rob was born, he was joined by his sister Theresa, born on 15th September 1979. By then they lived at Elm grove in Sutton Surrey. As siblings they fought like cat and dog throughout their childhood. Rob was rather jealous of his new baby sister and felt pushed out. Theresa used to stand her ground and at times my poor mum and dad spent a lot of time sorting out rows and disagreements.

In 1982 the family moved to 21 Biggin Avenue, Mitcham. Where they spent the remainder of their childhood. It’s fair to say Rob and Theresa had a love hate relationship. Like most siblings they never got on and would fight, even in their new home. 

Then on the first January New Year’s Day 1986 I was born, which pretty much completed the family unit. My brother and sister used to fight over me, who I wanted to play toys with. They use to misbehave quite a lot.

Ironically one of my earliest memories is