101 Reasons Why Ireland Is Better Than England

By Pat Fitzpatrick

Tayto, the metric system, Aisling Bea, Luke 'Ming' Flanagan, Blindboy, Marian Keyes and we never get embarassed on the international stage by dodgy Royals – that's just 7 of the 101 Reasons Why Ireland is Better than England. This tongue-in-cheek sweep across the two nations is aimed at Irish people, wherever they live, not to mention the 10 million English people who move over here after Brexit. With our neighbour losing its marbles, there has never been a better time to exact revenge for the two most despicable things that England has ever inflicted on the Irish – Jacob Rees-Mogg and claiming Saoirse Ronan is British.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Mercier Press
• Release date: Oct 7, 2020
• ISBN: 9781781177693

Pat Fitzpatrick

Pat is a columnist with the Sunday Independent, Irish Examiner and Eumom.ie. He also has a weekly slot on RTÉ’s Today Show with Maura Derrane and Daithi O’Sé, where he take a sideways glance at modern lifestyle and culture. His TV writing credits include The Cutting Edge, The Mario Rosenstock Show and the Saturday Night Show. Pat is also a regular on radio shows such as Countrywide, Ryan Tubridy, The Dave Fanning Show and Neil Prendeville.

Book preview

cover.jpgtitle2

MERCIER PRESS

Cork

www.mercierpress.ie

www.mercierpress.ie

www.twitter.com/MercierBooks

www.facebook.com/mercier.press

© Pat Fitzpatrick, 2020

Epub ISBN: 978 1 78117 769 3

This eBook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

Table of Contents

Introduction

Section 1: World-Class Tourist Attractions

1. Skellig Michael

2. Big Ben Me Bollocks

3. The Irish Pub

4. Newgrange vs Stonehenge

5. Giant’s Causeway

6. A Better Second City

7. The Cliffs

8. The Burren

9. Dublin vs London

10. Blarney Castle vs Windsor

11. Ryanair

12. The Climate

13. The DART

14. The River Shannon

15. Hedges

Section 2: Local Customs & More

16. The Irish Funeral

17. A Strong Constitution

18. The Metric System

19. The Irish Passport

20. The Finger

21. Give Us a Sign

22. Halloween

23. Shops

24. Pack of Rides

25. The Accent

26. Emigration

27. The Multinationals

28. The Class System

29. Fair Play

30. The Angelus

31. Feck, Shite, Jaysus

32. Number Plates

33. The Irish Wedding

34. We’re Sorry

Section 3: Famous People

35. Luke ‘Ming’ Flanagan

36. Prince Andrew

37. Blindboy

38. St Patrick vs St George

39. Graham Norton

40. John Philip Holland

41. Two Marys, One Margaret

42. Saint Brendan

43. Dermot Bannon

44. William Melville

45. Peg Plunkett

46. Joe Brolly

47. Warrior Queens

48. Michael Collins vs Churchill

49. Louis Walsh

50. Dara Ó Briain

51. Maura Higgins’ Fanny Flutters

Section 4: Culture

52. Andrew Scott

53. The Irish Language

54. Riverdance

55. Eurovision

56. Chris O’Dowd

57. Sharon Horgan

58. Aisling Bea

59. Father Ted

60. Pierce Brosnan

61. Derry Girls

62. Marian Keyes

63. Jedward

64. Saoirse Ronan

65. Battle of the Anthems

66. Brenda Fricker

67. Noel and Liam Gallagher

68. Irish Gogglebox

69. Mrs Brown’s Boys

70. Country and Irish

71. Zig and Zag

72. Flann O’Brien

73. Bono

74. The Press

75. Shane MacGowan

76. Sally Rooney

77. The Young Offenders

78. Winning Streak

Section 5: Sport

79. The Ploughing Championships

80. The GAA

81. Hurling

82. Football Fans

83. Horse Racing

84. Roy Keane

85. Mícheál Ó Muircheartaigh

86. Paul O’Connell

87. Croke Park vs Wembley

88. George Best

89. Shane Lowry

90. Katie Taylor

91. The O’Donovan Brothers

92. James McClean

Section 6

Food & Drink

93. Tayto

94. Whisky

95. Butter

96. Traditional Dishes

97. The Full Irish

98. Pudding? Really?

99. Stout

100. Spud Love

101. Pub Grub

Acknowledgements

About the Author

About the Publisher

INTRODUCTION

This book is dedicated to Nigel Farage.

If it weren’t for him, I’d be arguing that Ireland is better than one of the most progressive and open-minded nations in the world and you’d all think that I was a complete gobshite.

But now we have a new England, which is really an old England, and hardly anyone likes it. So I’ve only two words for you, Nigel – cheers mate.

Section 1

World-Class Tourist Attractions

1

Skellig Michael

A friend comes over from England and you decide to show him something so amazing about Ireland that he heads home feeling absolutely shit about his own country. So you bring him on the boat out to Skellig Michael, off the coast of Kerry, and give him some well-worn chat.

YOU: This is where Irish monks saved western civilisation while ye were still scratching yeer arses in a cave.

HIM: We gave the world Shakespeare, The Beatles and the rule of law. What has this rock got over Cambridge and Oxford?

YOU: You don’t have to be rich to come here. And the key texts of Greek and Roman philosophy would have been lost during the carnage of the Dark Ages if the monks on Skellig Michael hadn’t written them down for posterity.

HIM: Do you not feel odd boasting about monks, given your history with the Catholic Church?

YOU: You take your wins where you can get them. Are you not impressed that almost 20,000 visitors trek out here every year to pay tribute to this amazing seat of learning?

HIM: Is that why everyone on this boat has a toy Lightsaber?

YOU: One or two might be here because the island featured in Star Wars.

HIM: Sorry mate, but are you going to spend the next three days having a go at me because I’m English?

YOU: That’s nothing compared to 800 years of oppression.

HIM: What about your 100,000 welcomes?

YOU: Ah, that’s just some old shit we roll out for the Yanks.

2

Big Ben Me Bollocks

It’s not that long since people in London were arguing over whether or not they should strike Big Ben on 31 January 2020 to celebrate Brexit, and how much it would cost per bong. It’s not clear if the bong in question was the one they were all smoking from – but if I had to guess, I’d say YES.

It’s sad to see Big Ben getting dragged into this. He sounds like a nice old fella, with a name suggesting a lovable bear that is just dying for people to get along. Instead, this big old bell has been refuelling the question about England that has puzzled mankind for centuries – how the Jesus did this lot conquer a quarter of the planet?

A far better bell is Shandon Bells in Cork. You can climb up the bell tower for a fiver and ring out whatever you like, whether it’s the theme tune from Game of Thrones or maybe ‘Hey Jude’. This feature has a touch of celebration about it and even brings people together – especially those living in the warren of streets below the tower, who all agree that it’s driving them around the twist. (‘Hey Jude’ is brilliant the first time you hear it on the bells. After that, not so much.)

Whatever, it’s just a bit of fun. Unlike the grim goings-on with poor Big Ben – that was just bongkers. (Sorry.)

3

The Irish Pub

Pop quiz. How many times have you met a tourist anywhere in the world looking for directions to the nearest English pub? Never, except maybe an English person on the Costa del Sol complaining that the place is overrun with foreigners.

No, your average tourist wants an Irish pub, of which there are two types. The first is overseas and will often be called ‘Irish Pub’, because there is no point in complicating these things. It is full of Irish emigrants who swore they would immerse themselves in the local culture, only to discover that Canadians aren’t really into drinking. So they huddle around pint bottles of Bulmers, watching a GAA match they’re not interested in, because they need something to talk about when they FaceTime the old man tomorrow.

The second kind of Irish bar is, unsurprisingly, in Ireland. Unlike your English pub, it won’t have a name like ‘The Bishop’s G-String’ because that’s just silly and drinking is a serious business. A local Irish pub is more likely to be called O’Hanlon’s, with a woman called O’Hanlon behind the bar. Nobody ever messes with Mrs O’Hanlon. She’s the main reason we love the place.

The other difference between an Irish and English pub is the lack of slot machines. It’s a strange one, but Irish people don’t like gambling in a pub, unless it’s with their liver. (Or someone else’s liver; it’s never been easier to get a transplant.)

4

Newgrange vs

Stonehenge

The Stone Age passage tomb at Newgrange is 200 years older than England’s Stonehenge. Take that, you Johnny-Come-Lately pile of standing stones. (Newgrange is also older than the Great Pyramids of Giza, in case any Egyptian reading this is feeling good about themselves.)

Reportedly, the government in London is