Hold On Pain Ends

By Amber St Hilaire

388 page turner

 

Faith, Death, Greif, Prayer, Therapy and FOOD!

 

After the suicide of her best friend Jaime, Leila found herself questioning. Was there anything that could actually help the mentally ill or those struggling to find a way in their faith and their lives despite archaic practices that were so outdated Could "pray it away" finally become old news?! This was not going to be an easy road and Leila knew it but she also knew that there were people in her community suffering in silence like her sweet friend Jaimee. This. Needed. To. End. Now!

 

Could she succeed and find peace between faith and therapy?

 

Could she save her own life?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Amber St Hilaire
• Release date: May 1, 2023
• ISBN: 9798215871539

Book preview

Chapter 1

New England in Autumn

––––––––

"And I will raise you up on Eagles wings,

Bear you on the breath of dawn

Make you to shine like the sun

And hold you in the palm of His hand."

The tunes from the steeple of St Mary's rang loud and clear, echoing down the street in the small picturesque New England town. You know the towns; they are the ones used for beautiful romance and holiday movies on Lifetime and the Hallmark Channel. The quaint stepford wife everything-is-peachy-keen-hunky-dory-nothing-bad-ever-happens-here, town. It was hard to deny this in autumn though because there really is nothing quite like the fall in New England. This is where we set the scene Wapwallopen, Pennsylvania.

Autumn was the favorite time of the year. The crisp leaves, the cool breeze and the beautiful sunsets that came a little too early in the evening. You would almost think you’d seen it in a movie or read about it in a book, it was just so very perfect outside. The small town was like that out of an old story. The brick church that stood in the center of town was decorated with vines and thorn bushes. It stood as a reminder that life and this town revolved around not only religion but around the spiritual realm.

You could walk the streets and see the piles of leaves and the children playing in The Yards, a classic New England scene. The only problem in this beautiful, rustic, small New England town was the widely held small town beliefs. The kids called it toxic faith but really it was just an old heartbeat of the religious right. This is where you meet Jamie and Leila. Faith is powerful though and Leila and Jaimee are at the top and are the cream of the crop! They pray, volunteer, you name it! They are what the average person would call a Good Christian. So, what is the deal then with everything that makes life such a struggle? Together let's walk through those doors, looking through the eyes of the religiously taboo.

––––––––

The church doors swung open and suddenly the street was filled with laughter and chatting and everyone's Sunday best.  Nothing could have prepared them for the lift they experienced that day.  The sermon was spot on and seemed to touch every congregation member present. Everyone came rushing down the sidewalks smiling ear to ear. Mothers were ushering their children to the park making sure to remind them to keep their good clothes tidy. Every single person who left the church shook the pastor's hand, some kissed his hand, others merely smiled and said thank you.

As the deacons helped the pastor cleanup they were all amazed that the sermon was so close to home for so many of the small congregation. Father Abraham was preaching on a Bible verse that is commonly known as the Good Samaritan. Everyone knows the story of the Good Samaritan, even those in the secular world. A man lay in a ditch on the side of the road as people walked past and did not help even Lawyers, Doctors and Men of Faith all walked past. It wasn't until the Gentile came by and saw this man needed help and helped him.

Normally stories like this are told and we are to be reminded to accept everyone. Reminded that even good upstanding members of society should know better than people of different faiths classes or creeds. But this pastor took a different turn. He spoke about the Good Samaritan as a true Christian though the father, lawyer, doctor and others ignored him. This gentile stopped and lent his Aid. It doesn't matter your status, it only matters if you help and bring people closer to God in the process.

The hearts were filled to the brim with hope and long and joyous tones could be heard echoing between the buildings and brush.  God bless you!, ''peace dear one! , I pray for your health my friend and go in peace! leaves fell, colors dazzled the pavement and it looked straight out of a Bob Ross painting; with a happy little tree on the left and a smiling family over to the right.  Perfection if there ever were such a thing. That is, until the streets cleared out and a few stray congregation members solemnly filed out through the old oak doors. The pastor smiled and shook each hand,  pausing when Leila Lynn hugged him. Leila Lynn, why must you insist on hugging me child? Leila’s face lit up and her eyes grew seemingly larger.  Everyone deserves a hug, Father Abraham!"

The Pastor, Father Abraham, clasped his hands and bowed his head.  Go in peace my children he slid behind them and ushered the heavy oak doors to close with a surprisingly quiet creak. Why must you INSIST on hugging that guy... you know he hates us right?! Franklin James was very adamant about his disdain for the Catholic Church, well, for any church really.  No matter how much others tried to convince him that God was good he was tainted by a few bad eggs. 

Franklin, we have discussed this! God is Good. Everyone deserves love. GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE YOU JERK! Leila threw her hands in the air in exasperation and everyone else laughed hysterically.

Look. Leila... her name dripped like a bite of runny egg at a restaurant.

Franklin... Jaimee put on her mom voice but it did not work this time.

You can think your God is whatever you want. But I have been shown otherwise. Do you know what some of those people do to me when they find out that I am gay? Do you? Franklin James stared her right in the face. I have been whooped by some so-called 'Christians'. Do you know what nuns think of me? He was panting, his hands on his hips. Leila looked down solemnly then looked back up.

They think you are a selfish annoying jag off that does not think of others and has a really bad haircut? Franklin James gripped his hips and stared daggers into Leila for what felt like forever. Jaimee stepped forward and touched them both on the shoulders.

Guys... Franklin started the chorus of laughter and Leila soon followed suit.

You bitch. Franklin was snort laughing and soon the other few friends around them began laughing too.

What the hell guys... I swear your relationship is so messed up. UGH! Jaimee threw her hands up and sighed. I am so over you two today, seriously. The seriousness only lasted a minute before Jaimee added to the giggles and chuckles though hers were extremely uncomfortable chortles.

Jaimee you have got to lighten up girlfriend you know I only hate people who hate me. This girl here is just a brat. Franklin James gently pushed Leila and she pushed back.

You two are going to be the death of me I swear, why can't you just be nice to each other once in a while? Jaimee rolled her eyes and sighed.

I love this dill weed! What are you talking about? Leila jumped on Franklin James' back and the two of them laughed as she hugged him.

Yeah I love this pain in my ass too, even if she annoys me.

Ok, let's get out of here and get some lunch before the crazy church people come back out and try to get us to, I don’t know, do some good in this world or something. Shane chuckled and pointed to the street. Jaimee knew all he really wanted was lunch. If that boy could think of any way to get a bunch of people away and to food he would do so.

Shane... you cannot even wait 5 minutes for food can you? Jaimee blushed and smiled, poking him in the tummy. Shane smirked back.

I mean I do not want to wash the stinky feet of old people do you?

What the hell are you talking about Shane?! Who asked you to wash old people? Leila leaned forward on Franklin's shoulders and threw her right hand up in the air. Like are you high right now?

I do not mean someone wants me to wash old people but what if they DID? Would you rather have an amazingly delicious lunch at In and Out burger or wash old people's stank feet? Shane shrugged and everyone signed and rolled their eyes.

Fine. Let's have lunch.

I will catch up with you, just need to do something real quick. Order me a double with everything on it! Shane skipped quickly towards the street.

LETS GOOOO The chorus of laughter was loud as Jaimee stood shaking her head watching them hop down the steps.

As her friends left Jaimee knelt down to lace up her boots; slowly wrapping each lace around the metal hook and pulling it tight. One after the other as she watched her buddies walk down the street cackling and playfully pushing each other into traffic; more commonly known in this quaint town as the empty street with the occasional tree branch. Jaimee tied her lace and rested there on her knee watching the empty street, hushed and eerie, collecting whispering leaves and listening to the haunting snaps of trees dancing in the autumn breeze.

My child are you alright? Jaimee actually screams and falls over, nearly tumbling down the church's large stone staircase. Father Abraham! Oh gee I'm terribly sorry! She stood up and brushed off her pants. Yes, yes I'm fine. I just.. she clasped her hands and wrung them together, knuckles whitening.

You see I...  well... her voice trailed off as she stared down at her shoes. Father Abraham reached out and gingerly lifted her chin.

You just... would you like to ask me a question? She stared into Father Abraham's eyes and swallowed, though barely.

Your sermon... about the good guy who helped that other guy in a ditch or whatever? the father smiled and nodded.

The Good Samaritan.  Yes? She attempted to swallow again and realized she wasn't breathing. Had she forgotten? She sighed then huffed and puffed and started up again.

Well the lawyer and the doctor and the pastor or whatever, were they basically bad? Are they going to hell even though that guy who stopped was... oh shoot what do you call them? A gentler guy? Or genital ... no that's not right! Jaimee's face grew increasingly red and she began to sweat. The pastor chuckled and put his hand on her shoulder.

Gentile, my dear child. He opened the doors to the church and motioned Jaimee inside. Come. Let's have a chat and I can give you a copy of my message from this morning. Jaimee sighed relieved and nodded.

Thank you Father Abraham. She walked into the church and heard the echo of each step. She's never been in the sanctuary this empty before. The beauty and homey feeling was somehow shrouded in silence, darkness and looming statues in the periphery.

––––––––

She latched on to the wall beside her and stared forward, eyes adjusting to the dimly lit sanctuary. Candles flickered in a far corner to her left. They were familiar, the candles of prayers, remembrance, hope and sorrow. Flames each lit by someone seeking salvation for another or perhaps themselves. The tiny flames seemed to grow and dance in the hall.  Where could the draft be coming from? Or was it the holy spirit moving among them, like a small fairy warming her intricate and delicate wings by the fireside?

The door slammed behind her and she snapped back to reality gripping the wall beside her. The stone was cold to the touch but smooth. Marble perhaps, glossy and finished to perfection. She ran her finger tips over the rounded surface for a moment before the Fathers steps became audible behind her.

Now, come with me and we will sort all of this out. Father Abraham put his hand on her shoulder and motioned forward with his other hand. His hand looked so small and frail compared to the robust robe and stole he wore. She wondered what he looked like outside of the robe? Like a normal old man, maybe even like her pop pop. A smile crept to her face and she breathed a little easier.

Come, follow me. Father Abraham slid his hands in his robe sleeves and shuffled past her and across the back of the hall towards the candles that so entranced her just moments ago. She followed closely behind counting her footsteps as the old floor creaked along with each. I wonder if that's why the father shuffles? Jaimee chuckled at the thought. 

Jaimee. This is no place for tomfoolery. she paused for a moment and then continued forward, shuffle after shuffle.

Sorry father. The silence was heavy between them. "Father Abraham?

Yes?

Where are we going? I figured we could just, you know, talk in here? She motioned towards the pews in the sanctuary but the pastor continued forward, never missing a step. 

We will go to my office.  This is a holy place of worshiping the Lord, not for chats and secular talks.

Sorry Father Abraham. Jaimee bowed her head, such a look of pain and discomfort fell upon her face. She followed in silence, hands clasped tightly in front of her as she watched her feet clap on the old floor. Clap. Shuffle shuffle. Clap. Shuffle shuffle. An eerie hymn perhaps? A summoning of a deciduous and heinous hex? Jaimee smirked but kept her chuckles to herself this time.

Please, enter and take a seat by my desk. Father Abraham pulled open a small rounded door and motioned Jaimee forward. The room was unlike anything she'd seen outside; plain.  It was so ordinary. It looked like a den perhaps of an accomplished author. A few arm chairs, bookcases filled and near bursting, low lighting and oak furniture everywhere. The wine red carpet matched father Abraham's chair cushion. The whole room filled her with a calmness and oneness she had not felt in the hall of the massive intricately decorated sanctuary.

"Sit, please, I am going to take off this heavy robe and get us some tea. Jaimee walked across the carpet and slid her bag down beside the chair. She sat down and sunk into a deep leather chair. All she could picture was pulling out her crocheting or a good book with a fuzzy blanket and snoodling up for hours. For a minute she forgot where she was. She leaned into the chair and took a deep breath. It smelled of old leather books and cigars. She dreamed of the smell of whiskey and a finely dressed author twiddling his thumbs as he stared at a blank page in his typewriter. She smirked and took another deep breath inhaling the fantasy. A sudden screeching sound threw her from her dream-like state and she spun to an upright position. Father Abraham was in his 'casual clothes'; a thick flannel jacket covering his black attire and his white little neck thingie. I think Leila called it his Pastoral collar.

The chair is nice, is it not? He sat down and scooted into his space below the desk resting his palms down in his lap.

It is Father Abraham, thank you for allowing me to come see you today.  Father Abraham reclined and rested his head in his cozy wine colored chair.

Jaimee, you do not always have to be so formal with me. I promise, I am a human just like you. Jaimee smiled and looked towards her trembling hands in her lap.

Yeah, but you are like... God's best friend so you are kind of intimidating! Father Abraham laughed.

Ah yes, Jesus' Homeboy if you will. Jaimee looked up and chuckled quietly. Word up homey. Father Abraham lifted his chin in an attempt to sup her and Jaimee lost it. She laughed audibly and quickly covered her mouth.

Oh geez, sorry Father Abra—

Laughter is a gift from God, just like tears my dear. Laugh away, I could certainly never claim to be 'gangsta' or 'chill' or whatever you all say these days. He smiled and leaned forward folding his hands and resting them on his desk.

Thank you Father Abraham. You really are kind of Chill. She smiled and her hands relaxed upon her lap.

Now, what is bothering you my dear? Let us have a chat about the Good Samaritan.

OK. Well I know I was paying attention to your sermon. I actually really like most of your sermons. Jaimee stared at the Father with a look of utter horror OH MY GOODNESS most of your sermons, what is wrong with you. Without skipping a beat Father Abraham smiled and grabbed hold of his sermon notes.

Well I am glad to hear that. I do not even like all my sermons so I am happy to hear you liked today's! He smiled and nodded. I am not perfect like our Lord and Savior Father Christ, I make mistakes, OFTEN. Jaimee took a visibly deep breath and her shoulders lowered considerably. There, now that we have that out of the way... tell me your troubles with our Good Samaritan. Jaimee shuffled in her chair a bit and cleared her throat.

Ok... Well the lawyer and the doctor and the pastor or whatever ignored the man on the street. Does that  make them... basically bad people?

We are all sinners my dear child.  The way we sin is what matters Jaimee made eye contact with Father Abraham and furrowed her brow.

Yeah I know, but what I mean is, like, are they going to hell even though that guy who stopped was... oh shoot what do you call them? A gentler guy? Or genital ... no that's not right! What did you call him earlier? Jaimees face was the color of a fresh summer ripe tomato. Father Abraham smiled and nodded.

Gentile, my dear child.

Right, Gentile. So this guy who society said should go to hell will not because he helped a guy and the others are?

Unless we accept God as our Savior in our hearts and repent and ask for forgiveness we are all condemned to hell. Without God's eternal forgiveness our sinning hearts are not capable of access to the kingdom of heaven.

Ok. But... I guess what I am asking is... She looked down for a minute, obviously processing what she was going to say in an attempt to get her point across. Ok so it is like this. I fall down on the side of the road. Are all the people who are busy, or have other people to help going to hell because they do not stop to help me too? Father Abraham looked at her for a moment.

Well, the Holy Book says—

No. Father Abraham. I have read the Good Book. I have done the research. I just need to know if I am a good person even if I cannot help everyone I come across. She blurted it out so fast her brain did not even have a chance to stop her and ask her to reconsider. She froze, gripping her legs so firmly her nails began to dig into her thighs.

Ah, you want to know if you are doing enough to make it to the Kingdom of Heaven. Jaimee swallowed hard, a large knot forming that she was certain would cut off her air any minute and most certainly kill her.

Well... kind of... I guess I just want to know if I am being a good enough person. Father Abraham smiled and grabbed his bible in his corner cabinet and flipped to the parable of the Good Samaritan.

I want you to read this to me, out loud, right now. He passed The Bible over the table and let it rest before Jaimee.

But Father.

Humor me Jaimee. Read this out loud. Jaimee slid to the edge of the cozy chair and folded her hands between her knees.

"The Parable of the Good Samaritan

²⁵ On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. Teacher, he asked, what must I do to inherit eternal life?

²⁶ What is written in the Law? he replied. How do you read it?

²⁷ He answered, "‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’[a]; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b]"

²⁸ You have answered correctly, Jesus replied. Do this and you will live.

²⁹ But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, And who is my neighbor?

³⁰ In reply Jesus said: "A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. ³¹ A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. ³² So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. ³³ But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. ³⁴ He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. ³⁵ The next day he took out two denarii[c] and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’

³⁶ Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?

³⁷ The expert in the law replied, The one who had mercy on him.

Jesus told him, Go and do likewise."

Jaimee pushed the book back and slid back into the cozy leather hug that was this chair. I wonder if I could borrow this...

Ok, now what did you get from this?  Jaimee blinked a couple times and just stared at Father Abraham, completely stone faced.

Um... I don't know.

I want to take you step by step through the story, similar to my sermon but, perhaps a little bit easier to understand. Jaimee nodded. I want you to listen and if you have a question or need any kind of information you speak up. I am here to help you understand the Living Word through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Ok. I promise Father Abraham. Please, help me to understand. Father Abraham smiled and cleared his throat reaching for The Bible Jaimee had slid back across the table.

Now, first we will say that this parable came about because someone who claimed to be an expert in all things law and scripture approached Jesus to test him. They were always doing things like this to Jesus. Trying to test and trick him so he would mess up and prove that he was in fact just another fraud and truly not the son of God. I do not know about you, but I hate when people try to trick me and trip me up when I am just trying to do something good.

I know! It is like I am just trying to be nice... get over yourself! Father Abraham threw his hand up in the air and nodded in agreement.

No one ever trusted Jesus like that either. This was one of the times but Jesus, the son of our Lord God in Heaven does not ever flinch. He stares back and responds: Well have you read it? What does it say? The man tries one more time to trip him up. Well who exactly is this neighbor I am supposed to love?" Jesus, without hesitation and without a direct answer begins the story of the Good Samaritan. Now, Samaritans were dirty peddlers and gentiles. No one wanted them in their