You Matter, Too

By Maree Davis

Are you so consumed with raising an ADHD child that you have nothing left in your tank?

 

Dealing with the extra concerns that come with ADHD can be challenging. As a mother, you may be putting your self-care on the back burner. I would know. I've been there, and I understand.

 

There will be times when worry takes over and you find yourself drowning in self-doubt and overwhelm. You'll feel judged by others and bombarded with parenting advice. Your relationships will become strained, leaving you feeling isolated and alone.

 

You're not the only one struggling. Luckily, there are solutions to the challenges you are facing and tools to help you understand the importance of self-care. You want to help your son, and managing his needs is so much easier if you're on top of your game.

 

Inside You Matter, Too: Self-Care for Moms of ADHD Boys, we'll look at:

• Uncertainty around getting a diagnosis and medicating.
• How to manage exclusion.
• Dealing with judgment—why people judge and how to handle it.
• Where to find help and support.
• How to decipher your worries and let them go.
• Debunking common assumptions like "you can't handle your child."
• The pros of positive thinking and how to make yourself a priority.
• Education—exploring your options.

Through relatable real-life stories and examples, you'll learn that taking care of yourself must always be part of the equation. The tools provided will help you be the best parent possible for your son.

 

You Matter, Too: Self-Care for Moms of ADHD Boys is the perfect resource for any mother who needs support to keep her head above water while raising her ADHD son.

(Print copy:125 pages)

• Language: English
• Publisher: Blis Press
• Release date: Mar 25, 2023
• ISBN: 9780473649623

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

Mom, you picked up this book because you’ve got a son who is a handful at the best of times. Whether or not you have assessed him for ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder), your emotions and need for self-care are the same.

The fact of the matter is, living with a behaviorally challenging child can quickly become overwhelming. You want to help your son deal with the challenges they’ll face on a daily basis without losing yourself (or your mind) in the process. There are plenty of books on parenting an ADHD child to guide you, but very few focus on you—the parent of an ADHD child—and how to look after yourself. As parents, it is easy to get lost. We forget that we’re more than a mom to an ADHD child; we’re also wives, women, sisters, and friends, all with our own wants and needs.

Like many people, I’ve always had the feeling that I had a story inside me. Following many years of study, research, trial, and error, I realized the story I wanted to tell was the one that I was living myself. In You Matter, Too: Self-Care for Moms of ADHD Boys, I will share the story of our family with the hope that you can relate to my experience. Over the years, I’ve learned how to manage my emotional and mental health, and I’ve made sure to include many tips and ideas that you can use yourself to kick start your self-care journey.

My son, Braydon, was officially diagnosed with ADHD when he was 13, but the journey was not clear cut. I understand what it’s like to be consumed by the trials and tribulations of raising a behaviorally challenging child. This book is enriched with anecdotes and tools, embracing the good times alongside the not so good, with the sole purpose of helping you to figure it out. By it, I mean dealing with the diagnosis, deciding on medication, how to handle being bombarded with well-meaning advice from others, managing the alienation, and so much more. I want this book to be a guide—a compass back to yourself through all the turbulence that comes with raising an ADHD child.

If your child has ADHD, you need to acquire extra skills, not just to manage them, but to help you cope with the inevitable ups and downs. I’m here to tell you that you can do it! You can deal with everything that raising an ADHD child throws your way and do it without neglecting yourself. And I am going to help you on this journey.

In this book, I will be covering many of the areas I had to work through during the early stages of my son’s ADHD journey. You will also share in numerous stories of other parents who live in ADHD-friendly homes and lead happy lives. Believe me, there are many parents of ADHD children out there. It’s estimated that 5.7 million of school-aged children in the United States alone have been diagnosed with ADHD (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, n.d.). That’s a lot of parents who can offer support!

I want you to walk away with two realizations after reading this book. Firstly, although the symptoms of ADHD can be infuriating, you should know that your child isn’t willfully being annoying or disobedient. They don’t wake up in the morning with the goal of upsetting you. Dealing with ADHD is just as frustrating to them as it is to you. I want you to consider that maybe they want to do all the things you expect from them. Maybe they want to pick up their toys, sit quietly, or stop yelling, but their brains won’t allow them to. If you keep this in mind, the anger and frustration you experience will significantly lessen.

Secondly, I want you to recognize that you matter, too. You can’t pour from an empty cup, as the saying goes. You need sleep, you need to eat, you need to laugh, and you need to take time for yourself. If you don’t put your health and well-being first, at some point your child will suffer in one way or another. Personally, I tend to have a very short fuse when I’m tired and find myself getting angry at the smallest of things. This is unfair to my family.

Raising a behaviorally challenging child, managing a household, and maintaining your emotional and physical health is a Herculean task. There’s no denying that ADHD impacts all areas of life, so you need to use every tool at hand to not only survive but thrive as a family. Nothing in life is impossible if you have the right attitude, support, and the appropriate skills to navigate obstacles.

As you are reading this book, I want you to make a promise to yourself. I want you to promise that you’ll treat your situation, and most importantly, yourself, with patience and compassion. You, your ADHD child, and your family deserve it.

1

DEALING WITH UNCERTAINTY

So, you think your son is a little busier than their peers. They tantrum frequently, they have more emotional outbursts, they’re aggressive, they’re defiant, and they don’t like to share. But wait, isn’t it normal for all children to behave that way? And therein lies the conundrum and the reason behind the confusion you may be feeling.

If I think back on Braydon’s toddler years, I never saw him as anything other than a normal child with a little extra spark. He was fearless, loved to climb, and raced around like he had an everlasting battery. But he wasn’t the only one—other energetic kids would join in on the fun. I loved watching them all together and felt grateful that I had such an exuberant, happy, and active child. Braydon was very likable and generally got along with everyone; however, he struggled to form strong friendships with anyone. He was adored by some kids and triggered by others.

Even though, deep inside, I knew Braydon was exhibiting typical ADHD behavior during elementary school, I chose to see him in a different light. I saw him as a highly emotive individual who just happened to be a little different. I always knew that the way he reacted to situations and how he behaved wasn’t out of spite but purely because he didn't know how to do it any differently. To me, he was a loveable, albeit mischievous, kid who adored life. Don’t get me wrong, his roguish behavior had a way to push all the wrong buttons, and even my best parenting intentions buckled under frustration many times.

For years, we had avoided the label of ADHD. Instead, Braydon was known as a kid with anger issues and other behavioral problems. But things came to a head in middle school when his grades started to drop, and he lost all interest in learning. He didn’t want to go to school at all and spent a lot of his time cooling down in the principal’s office, or when things got too tough, he would run away. He also started self-harming, having suicidal thoughts, and the school even found a notebook in which he had written down all the ways he could kill himself.

This was the moment when I understood that we needed to do more to help Braydon regulate his emotions and impulsive behavior. I had always thought we could manage his emotional dysregulation on our own, but now that the consequences were more serious (and scary), intervention was vital.

So, at the age of 12, we got the ball rolling to have him assessed for ADHD and any other potential disorders. It was disappointing how long it took for our GP to take Braydon’s mental health seriously and refer him to a specialist. Even after the referral, we had to wait a further four months for an initial consultation and then six months until we were accepted into the state mental health system.

While we were waiting, we approached a private psychologist. Although they may not be able to prescribe medication, they can provide assessments, counseling, tools, and support sessions to assist in managing the condition. Autism and ADHD were her two choice diagnoses, but since Braydon found it difficult to form a bond with her, we were unable to benefit from her services.

Braydon was 13 when we finally got an official diagnosis of ADHD. All in all, it took us close to five years from first suspecting ADHD to getting a professional confirmation. I will share more about the reason for this long road to a diagnosis with you in the next section.

As you can see, life with a behaviorally challenging child isn’t cut and dry. Some parents get a diagnosis early in their child’s life, decide on which medication to use, and manage it from there. Others, like myself, think we’re doing okay on our own and do not pursue professional intervention until things take a turn for the worse.

So, which way is the best?

DIAGNOSING ADHD IN YOUR CHILD

There is no easy answer to the question of when to seek an official diagnosis of a child with behavioral issues. What’s best is what works for you and your family. If your kid’s conduct is so destructive that it is borderline dangerous, then seeking professional help would be the best option. On the other hand, if you are only seeing minor outbursts and you have the skills and resources to manage these,