So, You're Raising Your Grandkids!: Tested Tips, Research, & Real Life Stories to make Your Life Easier

By Harriet Hodgson

According to the US Census Bureau, more than 10% of all grandparents in the nation are raising their grandkids, and the number is going up.

You may be one of these grandparents and it's a role you never expected. Willing as you are to assume this role, you have some questions. How will I find the energy for this? Is my grandchild normal? What if I "blow it?" Each day, you look for ways to make life easier.

Help has arrived. This inspiring self-help book for grandparents raising grandchildren will:

• Help ease your worries and guilt
• Offer tips for creating a grandfamily
• Give methods for improving grandparent-grandchild communication
• Suggest ideas for how you can connect with your grandchild's school
• Provide child development information
• Recommend approaches to help your grandchild set goals
• Stress the importance of having fun together
• Offer ideas of how to foster your grandchild's hopes and dreams.

So, You're Raising Your Grandkids blends Harriet Hodgson's unbelievable grandparenting story with recent research and findings. It comes from her 21 years of caregiving experience, including seven years of raising her twin grandkids. Each chapter ends with What Works, proven tips for grandparents raising grandkids.

At the end, you'll cheer for all the loving grandparents---including you---who are putting grandchildren first.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WriteLife Publishing
• Release date: May 1, 2018
• ISBN: 9781608081905

Book preview

So, You’re Raising Your Grandkids! Tested Tips, Research, & Real-Life Stories to Make Your Life Easier

Copyright © 2018 by Harriet Hodgson

All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or submitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning or otherwise, except as permitted under Sections 107 and 108 of the 1976 US Copyright Act, without the prior written permission of the Publisher, or authorization through payment of appropriate per-copy fee from the Copyright Clearance Center.

The information in this book is not intended to serve as a replacement for professional medical advice or counseling. Any use of the information in this book is at the reader’s discretion. The author and publisher specifically disclaim any and all liability arising directly or indirectly from the use or application of the information contained in this book. A medical professional should be consulted regarding a specific situation.

The author and publisher have made every effort to ensure that the accuracy of the information within this book was correct at time of publication. The author and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by errors or omissions, whether such errors or omissions result from accident, negligence, or any other cause.

Published in the United States by WriteLife Publishing

(An imprint of Boutique of Quality Books Publishing Company)

www.writelife.com

978-1-60808-189-9 (p)

978-1-60808-190-5 (e)

LCCN: 2018932507

Book design by Robin Krauss, www.bookformatters.com

Cover photo from istockphotos.com

Cover design by Marla Thompson, www.edgeofwater.com

Interior photos by Haley Earley, Independent Photographer

First editor: Michelle Booth

Second editor: Olivia Swenson

Praise for So, You’re Raising Your Grandkids!

Very, Very Complete

So, You’re Raising Your Grandkids! is well written and very, very complete. There are many practical tips on how to have a good life as a grandparent parenting again. The stories, the suggestions, the personal stories are all here. This is a guide from someone who has walked the walk!

—Beverly Sullivan,

former Grandparent Raising Grandchildren

A Gift for All GRGs

Out of great tragedy and loss has come this inspiring, practical book—a gift for all GRGs. So, You’re Raising Your Grandkids! is like a wise friend, able to be honest about the challenges of being a GRG, while being positive about the rewards. Eight well-organized chapters combine practical advice and wisdom from Harriet’s GRG experience. The superb, extensive research, coupled with insightful stories, contribute to a most helpful book. Harriet’s example gives us hope that strength will be there when we need it. Her focus is on kindness and love, and she believes love can lead us and take us where we need to go.

—Judith Seward, MS,

Grandparent Raising Grandchildren

An Indispensable Guide

To describe Harriet Hodgson as an expert in caregiving would be an understatement. For more than two decades, she’s found herself in the role of caregiver with three generations of family members, including her mother, her twin grandchildren, and now her husband. Through it all, she’s managed to maintain her career as a health and wellness journalist, the author of 36 books, and a popular public speaker. In this information-packed guide, she enhances the sound and practical advice found in Help, I’m Raising My Grandkids, adding research and family stories that illustrate her points and demonstrate her hard-won wisdom. Readers will appreciate her frank discussion of some of the sacrifices and compromises that come with raising grandchildren, along with her helpful suggestions for coping. For grandparents who unexpectedly find themselves in a parenting role, this book is an indispensable and most welcome guide.

—Marty Tousley, RNM, MS, FT, DCC, Grief Counselor,

Moderator of Grief Discussion Groups

Should Be Required Reading

This book is so thorough I feel it should be required reading for university students who are pursuing caregiving professions: teachers, counselors, therapists, and doctors.

—Thomas Brandy,

Retired Teacher and Behavioral Counselor

Provides Hope and Support

So, You’re Raising Your Grandkids! is a must read for any grandparents who are currently raising their grandchildren or are functioning as parents to their grandchildren. Harriet Hodgson has crafted a book that is conversational, easy to read, and contains great practical tools and valuable resources. Harriet also covers in detail the challenges presented to grandparents who experience both loss due to death and symbolic loss, both of which are prominent in the grandparent’s world. Perhaps, the greatest asset of Harriet’s latest work is her transparency about her experiences raising her grandchildren, which provides both hope and support for those grandparents in similar circumstances.

—Dave Roberts, LMSW,

Adjunct Professor of Psychology, Utica College,

HuffPost Contributor, parent who has experienced the death of a child

Revealing and Uplifting

Harriet has assembled an awesome book and guide! Based on her own life experiences, extensive research, and conversations with people all over the country, this book is a lifeline for a segment of the population that few realize is so extensive. Almost everyone knows one or more retirees that are raising their grandkids—some are raising their great-grandkids. Harriet’s personal stories are revealing and uplifting, showing there is help for anyone providing care for children. She covers so many important topics and buttresses them with excellent research. Caring for the emotional needs of the children who have suffered a personal trauma, dealing with extended family that are not always supportive, dealing with school teachers and administration, and more—her advice is ultimately practical. The bibliography, list of websites, and other items in the appendix are a great source of additional information.

—Mark Schultz

Recommended for All Grandparents

This book about parenting grandchildren is very thorough and informative. It is filled with practical suggestions and is well–illustrated by Harriet’s experiences. Information from many other relevant sources is useful. The chapter on grieving would be especially helpful to both grandparents and grandchildren. I recommend this book to all grandparents!

—Joanne Mair, RN, MS,

Retired Nurse Educator, grandmother of nine

Whatever the reason you now find yourself a GRG, Harriet’s beautifully written, well-researched, personal, and sensitive book will help guide you through the many adjustments you have to make as a grandparent faced with parenting again. Harriet has filled this book with her own heartfelt stories and compiled resources and support to help you get through your own experience. She helps us focus on the joys of seeing the world through young eyes again---a gift for all caregivers.

—Adrienne Gruberg, President and Founder

The Caregiver Space

Other Books by Harriet Hodgson from WriteLife Publishing

The Family Caregiver’s Guide: How to Care for a Loved One at Home

Affirmations for Family Caregivers

A Journal for Family Caregivers: A Place for Thoughts, Plans, and Dreams

The Family Caregiver’s Cookbook: Easy-Fix Recipes for Busy Family Caregivers

Happy Again! Your New and Meaningful Life after Loss

For more information about Harriet Hodgson’s books please visit www.writelife.com and www.harriethodgson.com

This book is dedicated to my daughter, Helen Anne Hodgson Welby, mother of my twin grandchildren.

You are in my heart and always will be.

Contents

Foreword by Kenneth J. Doka, PhD

Introduction

Chapter 1: The Growing GRG Trend

How Did You Get Here?

The Commitment to Care for Your Grandchild

Reasons for the Trend

A Daunting Role

Guilt, a Monster in the Room

Family Ethnicity and Culture

What Works

Chapter 2: Grandparents Make Sacrifices

Loss of Peace and Quiet

Lower Income and Poverty

Marriage Problems

Loneliness, Isolation, and Depression

Health Changes and Challenges

Compare Losses and Gains

What Works

Chapter 3: Why You Are Grieving

Shadows of Grief

Types of Grief

Anticipatory Grief

Post-Death Grief

Helen’s Values

Grief Support System Checklist

How Kids Express Their Grief

The Happiness Choice

What Works

Chapter 4: Creating a Grandfamily

Begin with the Basics

Hodgson-Welby Household Rules

Identify Responsibilities and Tasks

Legal Matters

Have Fun and Tell Stories

Plan Parent Visits

What Works

Grandfamily Photo Album

Chapter 5: Communicating with Grandkids

Your Voice

Keep Sentences Short

Be an Active Listener

Use Three-Part Assertions

Behavior + Feelings + Affects = Assertion

Reading Aloud and Communication

What Works

Chapter 6: Grandkids and Learning

School Connections

Barriers You May Encounter

Infants and Preschoolers

Helping with Homework

Parent Conferences: Should You Go?

Grandparents as Life Teachers

How to Be a Good Role Model

What Works

Chapter 7: Stress and Its Impact

Pain of a Child in Pain

Behavior Problems

Healing Power of Art

Outside Interference

Health Care and Stress

Stress of Raising Grandkids

What Works

Chapter 8: Boosting Children’s Goals and Dreams

Goal-Setting Steps

Free Time and Fun

How to Give Constructive Criticism

Making Progress

Who Am I Now?

Time to Celebrate!

What Works

Conclusion

Appendixes

A. Some Helpful Websites

B. A GRG’s Bill of Rights, by Harriet Hodgson

C. 10 Tips for Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

D. Words to Know

Bibliography

About the Author

Index

Foreword

Let me begin with open disclosure. I am a grandparent. I have two grandchildren. Kenny, age eight years old at this writing, and Lucy, now five years old. I was deeply honored when my son, Michael, and his wife, Angelina, named their first child after me. Both children are a joy to me. I live close to them and do all the grandparenting things—taking them to school on days that I am home, babysitting on a moment’s notice, helping with homework, buying gifts, and watching their games and competitions.

Research has supported the important role of grandparents. Grandparents can be a critical resource to the child and parent, offering time, talent, and treasure to their grandchild. They can receive much as well—a sense of biological and familial continuity, the stimulation of being with a young child, seeing the world anew through that child’s eyes, and the sense of vicarious achievement in the small and large accomplishments of the grandchild.

Like many grandparents, I enjoy the role. And like many grandparents, I especially enjoy the limited and privileged involvement often identified with the role. A brief anecdote may describe it. When Kenny was three years old, he was in the backseat of my car as we picked up pizza for a family supper. I noticed Kenny nervously looking out the back window, and asked him what was wrong.

Kenny warned, You have to be careful, Grandpa. The moon can follow you home. I was fascinated with the response and Kenny then taught me all about space. The stars, it seems, are very far up and you need one, maybe two, big ladders to reach them. You have to be careful though; they are hot like light bulbs. After Kenny went to sleep, I recounted the story to my son and daughter-in-law. My son laughed and reminded me that he would have received a lecture on astronomy. He was right.

We often teach our children but learn from our grandchildren. It is a very different relationship. Like the old saw says, we spoil them and give them back to their parents. And quite frankly, as much as I enjoy them, I also enjoy, after a day, giving them back. In my my sixties, they can exhaust me.

What happens, though, when you cannot give them back? What happens when situations such as divorce, death, or economic upheaval create a situation where grandparents have to raise their grandchildren? Almost one out of ten grandparents has this role, either raising or having a significant role in raising a grandchild. Such a situation is wrought with complications.

First, grandparents raising grandchildren inevitably results from some form of loss—a child dies, divorces, loses a job, falls to addiction, or has physical or mental health difficulties. So grandparents must not only deal with their own disappointments and grief, but also the grief of the grandchildren. They are truly wounded healers. One of the things I like most about Hodgson’s book is that she acknowledges this grief.

Second, the reality is that as one ages, it is difficult to cope with the boundless energy of a child, the inherent drama of an adolescent, and the unceasing demands of parenthood. It is exhausting. Moreover, at a time when sources of income may be more limited, the expenses of raising a child can be daunting.

Third, one’s sense of an assumptive world is challenged. This is not the way it [life] is supposed to be. Both grandparent and grandchild have to deal with the constant incongruity inherent in this context. That too, is a source of grief. This grief is often disenfranchised—that is, unacknowledged by others, perhaps even one’s self. It is difficult, outside of a support group, to really explore the inherent ambivalence of such a role. It is equally difficult to be pitied for raising grandchildren, or unrealistically portrayed as a saint, when all you are doing is coping with the hand you were dealt.

Happily, Harriet Hodgson’s book So, You’re Raising Your Grandkids! is a most useful resource to grandparents in that role and those who seek to understand and assist them. Hodgson offers not only critical validation, but