A Jew and an Urn

By Leonard Abraham

An extraordinary confession of how over a three week period an everyday man went from sitting behind his city desk to becoming an international smuggler. Life certainly can be stranger than fiction.

"A Jew and an Urn" is a captivating and inspiring anecdote that takes readers on an unforgettable voyage of chaos that is life. Leonard Abraham, a Jewish accountant, finds himself thrust into an unexpected adventure when he is recruited by the Dalai Lama for a sacred mission. Together with a one-legged Viking, Leonard sets out to circumambulate Mount Kailash, the only unconquered mountain in the Himalayas, before the next full moon.

Following the tragic Grenfell Tower fire, "A Jew and an Urn" is a moving tribute to the power of hope, faith and human connection. Leonard's journey will inspire readers to embrace their own inner strength and to never give up on their dreams, no matter how impossible they may seem. This poignant and uplifting story is a must-read for anyone seeking meaning in their own life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Bright Ideas Inc
• Release date: Mar 2, 2023
• ISBN: 9798215399156

Book preview

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A Jew and an urn

Copyright 2023

V1.0

Leonard Abraham

This ebook is licensed for your personal use only.

This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people.

If you’re reading this ebook and did not purchase it, then please return it. Thank you for respecting the work of this author.

Disclaimer

Based on real events

Any connection or reference to persons living or deceased is purely coincidental, likewise the use of firms and businesses. The police translator involved is a complete fabrication so as not to reveal the true sponsor of my astonishing journey. Furthermore, I was only paid one nocturnal visit. It was neither lawyers acting on behalf of The Royal Borough of Kensington nor the brave survivors of Grenfell.

Foreword

In Tibet's remote and rugged region, there is a majestic mountain that stands solitary and proud. Revered by millions for its spiritual significance. Mount Kailash, the only unconquered summit in the Himalayas, is a place of deep meaning for several major religions: Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism, and Bön. The act of circumambulating, walking around this mountain, is a pilgrimage that is considered one of the most challenging and rewarding spiritual passages in the world. The trek typically takes three days to complete, through often treacherous terrain. However, the physical challenge is only one aspect of the quest. Regardless of your faith, circumambulating Mount Kailash is a profound experience, an inner journey, connecting with oneself and reflecting on life and purpose.

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A note from the author

My extraordinary confession of how over a three week period I went from sitting behind my city desk to becoming an international smuggler. Initially, I only shared the details with my closest friends but that rapidly escalated into retelling my experiences at dinner parties until finally a guest suggested that I share my adventure online. I was hesitant at first, I'm not an author but here it is, finally uploaded to the internet.

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Chapter One

England

As I stood on the tailor's alteration platform, my father pulled the cuff of my jacket lower and said, You'll grow into it. These words, familiar to us from childhood, now felt somewhat absurd as I was in my early twenties.

My mum still initials my clothing, even though I moved out three years ago. She brought a marker pen with her on one of her inspections. After going through my wardrobe and because she's nothing if not thorough, started on my drawers. My girlfriend at that time – Demi – kept a clean jumper, jeans and lingerie for overnight stays. A few days after my mother's visit, Demi came at me with wrath in her eyes, demanding to know why I had labelled all of her clothes with my name. Before storming off, she rubbed her unmentionables in my face and yelled. I'm not your property. Overall, not a terrible experience.

I explained that my mum was to blame for the situation. After clearing the air and finishing a bottle of cider, Demi and I started heavily petting. Caught up in the moment, she reached inside her tote bag and pulled out a fountain pen. She preferred using elegant writing tools, it brought out her creative side.

I'm going to sign something that belongs to me. She announced and unzipped my trousers.

Anything is a good idea when I want sex. I allowed her to continue. She delicately scribed on my manhood. No blood was drawn. However, in the process, I experienced a little pleasurable discomfort as she traced on my flaccid member. She must've scratched my skin while writing. To my horror, not all the ink later washed off in the shower. Sure the D had gone but the E M I had smudged to form a new word. Unlike an F1 helmet with a tear-off visor strip, my default circumcision comes as a single layer – no backup. In certain states of arousal my todger permanently reads the word EMU. You try explaining this to a new partner.

I have yet to clarify the truth to mother. Trust me, it's just easier to let her think I'm a cross-dresser (that for her is acceptable – sex is not). I would get an entire lecture on how bad girls trap good men with babies. Occasionally, when we have company and the conversation sways towards a particular topic she touches the side of her nose and gives me a knowing nod –Your secret is safe. At Christmas, Gentiles typically get a bounty of socks and underwear. One birthday, she slipped me my present. I know it can't be easy buying this type of thing for yourself, so I got you a little something for work. I thought it was a calculator but inside was a set of printed weekday knickers. Why do I find the word Tuesday the most sexual?

My father is a master at detouring my life. An invisible and broken translation device is a constant barrier between us. No matter what I say, my words transform into something utterly alien before reaching him. This morning, at my graduation, I expressed the desire to embark on a wondrous gap year of travel and culture. All he heard was, I'm sacrificing my future and getting inked. Part of which had already happened.

During the ceremony, he made two phone calls. Stepping down from the stage, my father informed me I would be starting full-time employment the following day. It would've been sooner but this afternoon would be taken up with fitting me a suit and this is where our story started, with me on the tailor's alteration platform. I have traced the singular moment that set me on the collision course you're about to read.

He had called in favours to provide an opportunity for me at The Royal Kensington and Chelsea council's accountancy department. A position for which I would be required, in blood, to be unconditionally eternally grateful. A fact that he constantly reminded me of at every family gathering. On the other hand, the expense of my new suit was a short-term obligation, a compulsory but fair deduction to him from my first three pay cheques.

A quality tailored suit, he reminded me, would last for years plus a sensible colour would be appropriate for both weddings and funerals. He has always been a practical man.

Being Jewish isn't an instant qualification in finance. However, I have always had a passion for mathematics. Having dyslexia is an advantage, my brain processes information differently. To give you an idea, stereograms are instantly revealed and I read sentences backwards. If I'm watching a subtitled film in the cinema I will laugh before anybody else because I start with the punchline first. That's as far as this superpower goes. If you drop a packet of toothpicks on the floor – it just looks like a mess, I can't count cards.

Incredibly, maths landed a man on the Moon but with the equal but darker pendulum swing of humankind's achievements, maths has also produced the destructive power of an atomic bomb. Here is a source of unlimited energy, wonderful. Let's weaponize!

23rd Friday June 2017

My probationary period was composed of the emotionally draining tasks of sieving through seemingly endless spreadsheets of